A miscarriage when you have children isn’t the same as one when you don’t!

[Anonymous]

Wow, Op. You really need to take a chill pill. Please don't say anything unkind/dismissive to that grieving mom. She doesn't deserve that. And, yes, her grief is real.

[Anonymous]

You have the right to your feelings. But I can tell you from experience, you are wrong. The loss of my first pregnancy was devastating. The loss of my third was every bit as devastating. Maybe even more so because I understood more about what was happening and what I had lost. Grief is not a pie. Someone else’s pain does not take away from yours.

[Anonymous]

The loss is different, not more or less. The fear of never being a parent is real, but what being a parent is is still abstract and hypothetical. The loss of a future person in your existing family, when you know what it's like to have a pregnancy turn into a person you love more than life itself, hurts much differently. Especially if you're in the midst of secondary infertility and know that pregnancy could have been your only shot. Both are equally valid and equally hard.

[Anonymous]

The previous two PPs at 14:02 and 16:40 are spot on. To say that the pain of the loss of a pregnancy before you have children may be different than when you already have had children is reasonable but to insinuate that one is worse than the other is unfair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I found it complex and emotional as my children were aware I was pregnant.

This. Imagine having to explain what happened to your older kids. Imagine the older kids” fears for their own mortality and that of their mother, and any other family member for that matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I found it complex and emotional as my children were aware I was pregnant.

This. Imagine having to explain what happened to your older kids. Imagine the older kids” fears for their own mortality and that of their mother, and any other family member for that matter.

+1 or imagine how to keep the information, grief, pain, depression from a sensitive 4 year old - when I miscarriages before becoming a mother I could just wallow in my pain and misery and heal on my own time instead of trying to be calm and brave and in tune with my older child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok fine I’m listening to all your responses and will think through them. I’m reacting to the woman’s comment to a friend that has been desperately struggling to be a mother for 10 years and implying their pain is “the same” because she’s had a miscarriage. There’s plenty of pain to go around but to me (and based on my own experiences...but I acknowledge there are other experiences) being robbed of the chance to be a mother over and over is a different type of pain than miscarrying additional children. However I will rescind my original comment.

OP. I understand where you are coming from. It is hard to understand infertility and loss unless you have been through it. Of course every loss is a loss, but as one who has been there feeling like she was on the outside looking in at a world of "normal" people who are able to conceive and carry a pregnancy, I completely understand why you made the original comment. And I'm sorry for your pain.

[Anonymous]

WTF OP? Who are you to decide who has the greater pain? EVERY child is important to the parents waiting for them. If you feel this way, then fine. But don’t come on here and tell parents who lost a child that their pain is less. If I was an ahole like you, I’d say you don’t deserve any children, but I’m not, so I won’t. Sheesh! I still can’t believe someone could be so f@cking cold.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The loss is different, not more or less. The fear of never being a parent is real, but what being a parent is is still abstract and hypothetical. The loss of a future person in your existing family, when you know what it's like to have a pregnancy turn into a person you love more than life itself, hurts much differently. Especially if you're in the midst of secondary infertility and know that pregnancy could have been your only shot. Both are equally valid and equally hard.

good point

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I found it complex and emotional as my children were aware I was pregnant.

This. Imagine having to explain what happened to your older kids. Imagine the older kids” fears for their own mortality and that of their mother, and any other family member for that matter.

+1 or imagine how to keep the information, grief, pain, depression from a sensitive 4 year old - when I miscarriages before becoming a mother I could just wallow in my pain and misery and heal on my own time instead of trying to be calm and brave and in tune with my older child.

+1. I had a d&c today and it was really hard explaining to my 4.5 year old that I was going to the hospital but he doesn’t have anything to worry about.

[Anonymous]

I never had a loss before becoming a mom but telling my 5 yr old, who was thrilled to be a big sister, and not knowing whether she would be now, was oof.

[Anonymous]

I don't have any problem with how people grieve. I would have a problem if they tell me their miscarriage is the same as my stillbirth or death after live birth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, most of the pp's suck. Terrible responses. Of course you are right, because in addition to the loss itself, there is the fear of maybe never having a child.

What kind of personality disorder does this outlook represent????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't have any problem with how people grieve. I would have a problem if they tell me their miscarriage is the same as my stillbirth or death after live birth.

I’ve had two friends with 30+ week stillbirths. One agrees with you. The other very strongly disagrees.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, most of the pp's suck. Terrible responses. Of course you are right, because in addition to the loss itself, there is the fear of maybe never having a child.

I agree