Why is he ignoring me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a normal relationship, the dad wouldn’t be abusive.

Let’s say in a normal relationship the father did something that hurt his daughter’s feelings. She got mad at him, so she yelled and muttered swear words at him. She then avoided speaking to him. What would a normal father do in this situation?

Those with a normal father can answer this.

A normal father would have never done this in the first place. Speaking as a (hopefully normal) father with no abuse of wife or teenage daughter (or anyone else inzide the family or out).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d rather face his verbal abuse than be ignored like this. Being ignored is torture. Normally he verbally abuses me, I get on with my day. Its not verbal/emotional abuse 24/7. He cracks jokes, talks to me, etc. We still share good times.

I didn’t really stand up to him and let him know his behavior is unacceptable. I just yelled at him and said swear words out of anger. My mom stands to him and he justifies his abuse. He says that we lead him to abusing us. Also, when he verbally abuses my mom and she replies back to him with verbal abuse, he gets mad. He might give her the silent treatment.

He’s passive aggressive with me right now. I’m just so upset. He’s been emotionally abusing me for years and the one time I swear at him, he just falls apart. He can’t cope and is soo upset. Yet it’s ok if he does it to me.

I’m also ignoring him as well. I haven’t tried speaking to him. Perhaps that’s why he’s hurt. He’s never violent or physically abusive though. How do I fix this relationship? Can someone explain why he’s behaving this way?

The silent treatment is just another form of emotional abuse. It is designed to control aspects of your behavior and keep you walking on eggshells.

Please get into therapy. Please get out of there ASAP. You cannot recovery from abuse in an abusive environment. Even a 1 bedroom in a group house would be better for you. Also, get a second job (hopefully, you already have 1) so that you can earn money faster and get out sooner and pay for therapy.

For you and your Mom -- visit loveisrespect.org and evaluate your relationships.

FWIW, it is not OK for you to be verbally abusive or emotionally abusive back, nor your mom. You all need to learn some better coping skills. I can understand that you yelled at him in surprise. But, in a normal relationship, that would be followed up by a normal conversation working out conflict and boundaries. I'm not saying you owe him an apology for this incident, but that as victims of abuse we also have to learn how to effectively cope. That mostly involves using polite words to negotiate conflict and drawing boundaries. The obvious boundaries for you to draw are around the amount and type of contact you are willing to have with him if he continues to be abusive toward you. A therapist can explore your desire to have a relationship with him, which is normal, but help you navigate what boundaries to have and how to enforce them to keep yourself safe both physically and emotionally while allowing the possibility for some kind of improvement in your relationship with Dad.

I don't want to sound negative, but it is typically very difficult for abusers to change their behavior without extensive outside therapy support and hard work over time.

good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP, there is another thread on here from a wife whose husband does the silent treatment as his campaign of abuse of her. You may find reading that thread enlightening. The silent treatment is just another form of emotional abuse. You called his bluff on the verbal abuse, so he's using another method.

[Anonymous]

Get out and don’t look back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a normal relationship, the dad wouldn’t be abusive.

Let’s say in a normal relationship the father did something that hurt his daughter’s feelings. She got mad at him, so she yelled and muttered swear words at him. She then avoided speaking to him. What would a normal father do in this situation?

Those with a normal father can answer this.

A normal father would have never done this in the first place. Speaking as a (hopefully normal) father with no abuse of wife or teenage daughter (or anyone else inzide the family or out).

As a victim of abuse, I find it shocking that a normal father would NEVER hurt his daughter’s feelings. Perhaps he might hurt her accidentally, but even then, what would be his reaction to the above scenario?

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry for you OP. My father was very much like that with me until one day my husband walked in unannounced and witnessed it for the first time. He walked up to my father and said “if you ever speak like that to her again you will never see her or your grandchildren again.” He said it so calmly it was scary. Our visits are now infrequent but my father has not crossed the line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a normal relationship, the dad wouldn’t be abusive.

Let’s say in a normal relationship the father did something that hurt his daughter’s feelings. She got mad at him, so she yelled and muttered swear words at him. She then avoided speaking to him. What would a normal father do in this situation?

Those with a normal father can answer this.

He would apologise. Or mine would tiptoe around me for a bit and then start talking to me normally as if everything is fine. As long as what he did wasn't horrendous, I'd accept the unspoken olive branch. We've exchanged fairly sharp words in the past, not swearing but definitely harsh, and been able to put it behind us and relate amicably.

What OP's father is doing is being chipper to show her that she is insignificant to him. Her attempt to speak to him was a "win" in his book and he knows that ignoring her hurts so he's twisting the knife by talking to other people. It is monstrously manipulative and OP needs a hell of a lot of therapy to recognise what's going on and learn to not need his approval.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In a normal relationship, the dad wouldn’t be abusive.

+1 You do not have a normal father-daughter relationship and never have. Your dad is an abuser, you can’t have any expectations that he will interact with you in a healthy or “normal” way.

[Anonymous]

He’s ignoring you because it hurts you and that is his intention. It is another form of abuse, and consistent with how he’s always treated you. You are so entrenched in it that you think it’s normal, but it’s defibinitely not.

[Anonymous]

What would happen if OP doesn’t get therapy?

I can imagine there are thousands of people in the same situation, who were brought up by abusive parents and never ended up seeking therapy.

It makes me question what happens to these children as they grow up without the help of therapy. What is the outcome for such people? What does their future look like?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What would happen if OP doesn’t get therapy?

I can imagine there are thousands of people in the same situation, who were brought up by abusive parents and never ended up seeking therapy.

It makes me question what happens to these children as they grow up without the help of therapy. What is the outcome for such people? What does their future look like?

We tend not to learn what normal models of relationships are, so we find conflict with abusive people in our workplaces and romantic relationships. Like children of alcoholics, we’re at at higher risk for codependency, not just in romantic relationships, but all relationships. In normal day-to-day conflict with healthy people, our fight, flight, or freeze responses are so exaggerated that we can respond overly dramatically to or get hurt by things that are typical. When we DO identify our families of origin as unhealthy, it can be hard for us to trust that future relationships will be healthy, so we can sometimes isolate ourselves. Alternatively, sometimes other people get a sense for our messiness and avoid us, which can also be isolating. Sometimes we mimic the behavior of our abusive parents without meaning to: If you don’t examine the patterns in your life and whether they serve you, it’s easy to repeat them or to inadvertently repeat them if you don’t consciously learn a better way to respond to adversity. The details look different for every survivor of abuse, but these are the broad strokes of some things that can happen. How affected someone is depends on their resilience. We don’t know why some people can come through horrible situations and fare ok, but other people carry lifelong issues.

[Anonymous]

Dear OP, I am sorry to read this. Probably therapy would be a good idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a normal relationship, the dad wouldn’t be abusive.

Let’s say in a normal relationship the father did something that hurt his daughter’s feelings. She got mad at him, so she yelled and muttered swear words at him. She then avoided speaking to him. What would a normal father do in this situation?

Those with a normal father can answer this.

A normal father would have never done this in the first place. Speaking as a (hopefully normal) father with no abuse of wife or teenage daughter (or anyone else inzide the family or out).

As a victim of abuse, I find it shocking that a normal father would NEVER hurt his daughter’s feelings. Perhaps he might hurt her accidentally, but even then, what would be his reaction to the above scenario?

HE WOULD APPROACH HER WHEN THINGS ARE CALM AND APOLOGIZE FOR HURTING HER FEELINGS.

[Anonymous]

You took his power away when you didn't acknowledge his verbal abuse, so he escalated into a threat of violence. When you fought back, that took away his power. Silent treatment was his way of taking his power back and it worked.

You really need to be careful not to bring this dynamic into your current/future relationships. The things you've learned as "normal" are not. I saw you said you couldn't afford therapy, at least read some self-help books. You won't fix your dad, but you can fix this for yourself moving forward and not carry this into the next generation. Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok. So I decided to give in and talk to him. He totally ignored me. He was on his phone typing something, so I gave him the benefit of doubt, in case I interrupted him. He then watched a short video.

I tried speaking to him again shortly afterwards, he just totally ignored me. I got up and left. He looks happier now and is talking to my mom and laughing. He's no longer upset or broken. He’s got his normal energy back.

I’m just so mad. What did I do for him to ignore me?

For those telling me to leave, I can’t leave now. In 2 months time, hopefully I’ll leave. Moving out is not an option atm. Also, therapy is off the cards. I can’t afford it right now and need to save up.

I just want to understand why he’s ignoring me?

If this incident happened in a normal father- daughter relationship, what would be the outcome? If a normal father upset his daughter and she didn’t speak to him for a while, what would a normal father do?

I just want someone to answer me and give me a glimpse of what a normal relationship would look like.

You are severely traumatized just by asking why he won't speak to you. Anyone else would be happy that he finally stfu. Why would you want someone who is constantly abusive to you and your mother to speak to you? What are you trying to gain by having him speak to you? He's clearly thrown off by you standing up for yourself. And there's no way in hell I'd be dealing with that mess. You don't have anywhere else to stay...at all??