Why is he ignoring me?

[Anonymous]

My mother has been in a verbally/emotional abusive marriage with my father for 30 years. She is still in this marriage and my father is still abusive. As his daughter, I got my fair share of abuse. I left for college for a couple of years and I’ve moved back to my parents. I’m living temporarily until I save up and get my place.

The issue is my father constantly criticizes me, puts me down, calls me names, etc. I honestly feel hurt at times, but I never reply to his abuse and carry on with the day. A few days ago, he was mad at me and started verbally abusing me. However, he was so angry and he tried to scare me as if he was going to hit me. I was shocked so I yelled at him then muttered a few swear words at him. He looked upset, then started putting me down and then left to go out.

Since he returned, he never spoke to me. Its been approx 4 days since our fight and he’s avoiding me. He looks hurt and just ignores me. This has never happened before.

I don’t get it. He’s been verbally abusing me for years and I never reply or fight back. Now, I get angry at him one time and mutter swear words under my breath and he can’t take it.

How do I get him to stop ignoring me? Why is he acting like this?

[Anonymous]

He’s a bully that got called out. He’s embarrassed.
His ignoring you is a gift.
Seek therapy.

[Anonymous]

This is great, actually. He's an abuser and you stood up to him. And it clearly affected him because his behavior has changed. Has your mother ever stood up to him?

Personally, I'd consider finding a new living arrangement. This isn't healthy for you. Can you rent a room in a house or apartment somewhere and save a bit less every month? Because I can tell you that this will happen again.

[Anonymous]

You stood up to him. I have a brother like that. He leaves me completely alone now. It is BLISS.

Get therapy to get past your need for his approval. You'll never git it and it's all him, not you. A professional will help you see and believe that.

[Anonymous]

He’s embarrassed. That’s a good thing.

Give it a few more days, and then find a nice calm quiet time to calmly ask him, “Do you want to talk about what happened the other day?” If he does, great. If not, don’t push it.

[Anonymous]

He thinks he is entitled to treat you like that, and he views you as breaching the "terms" of your relationship by pushing back against his behavior.

You need to get out of there. Even if you're just renting a room in an apartment or a studio somewhere. Move out now.

[Anonymous]

The more important question is why do you want this abusive man to stop ignoring you? Why do you need interaction from a toxic parent?

You want validation and attention from someone who consistently hurts you and your mom. Seek therapy.

[Anonymous]

My ex was like this. He grew up in an abusive household and needed constant conflict and escalation to feel loved, oddly enough. He would push me until I lost it - which was pretty far - and then he would suddenly de-escalate while I was a shivering wreck.

You may be in a pattern where you need to be yelled at to feel loved too. You're going to want to work on that. Agree with the pps that the best thing to do is get therapy and get out of the house.

[Anonymous]

Get out of there, OP. I know you grew up like this so you can't see it from the outside, but you need to get out. Call 911 if he hits you or your mother. Tell your mother she's being abused and she should get out too. Hoping you can get a job with good health insurance because you'll need lots o therapy to process your upbringing before you can be in a healthy relationship. Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

I’d rather face his verbal abuse than be ignored like this. Being ignored is torture. Normally he verbally abuses me, I get on with my day. Its not verbal/emotional abuse 24/7. He cracks jokes, talks to me, etc. We still share good times.

I didn’t really stand up to him and let him know his behavior is unacceptable. I just yelled at him and said swear words out of anger. My mom stands to him and he justifies his abuse. He says that we lead him to abusing us. Also, when he verbally abuses my mom and she replies back to him with verbal abuse, he gets mad. He might give her the silent treatment.

He’s passive aggressive with me right now. I’m just so upset. He’s been emotionally abusing me for years and the one time I swear at him, he just falls apart. He can’t cope and is soo upset. Yet it’s ok if he does it to me.

I’m also ignoring him as well. I haven’t tried speaking to him. Perhaps that’s why he’s hurt. He’s never violent or physically abusive though. How do I fix this relationship? Can someone explain why he’s behaving this way?

[Anonymous]

OP, you almost sound like you think the abuse is normal and you wish he would start it up again. You can’t fix this relationship alone. You and your parents need a professional to work with you.

[Anonymous]

God has finally intervened and is giving you the opportunity to collect yourself and get the f*ck out of there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The more important question is why do you want this abusive man to stop ignoring you? Why do you need interaction from a toxic parent?

You want validation and attention from someone who consistently hurts you and your mom. Seek therapy.

+1. This is it. You need to get therapy so that you can see the dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Ok. So I decided to give in and talk to him. He totally ignored me. He was on his phone typing something, so I gave him the benefit of doubt, in case I interrupted him. He then watched a short video.

I tried speaking to him again shortly afterwards, he just totally ignored me. I got up and left. He looks happier now and is talking to my mom and laughing. He's no longer upset or broken. He’s got his normal energy back.

I’m just so mad. What did I do for him to ignore me?

For those telling me to leave, I can’t leave now. In 2 months time, hopefully I’ll leave. Moving out is not an option atm. Also, therapy is off the cards. I can’t afford it right now and need to save up.

I just want to understand why he’s ignoring me?

If this incident happened in a normal father- daughter relationship, what would be the outcome? If a normal father upset his daughter and she didn’t speak to him for a while, what would a normal father do?

I just want someone to answer me and give me a glimpse of what a normal relationship would look like.

[Anonymous]

In a normal relationship, the dad wouldn’t be abusive.