adoptees, would you spend holidays with your biofamily?

[Anonymous]

Hi, OP. Adult adoptee in reunion here, though my circumstances as an international adoptee are different than yours, with language barrier and cultural issues thrown in for fun!

You obviously have two issues here: respecting your adoptive mom's wishes to spend Christmas with her only and your bio brother's discomfort/hostility with you. I'm sorry your a-mom is gone; I will be devastated when my a-mom dies. I can completely understand your appeasing your a-mom's desire for Christmas with her when she was alive. However, your mom is gone and you're not choosing your b-mom over her as that's a false dichotomy due to her death. I wish your mom hadn't put you in that position, but it is what it is and I understand you. Not only am I an adoptee, but I'm also an adoptive mom. If my children are so lucky as to reunite with their birth families, I'll put aside any territorial feelings (if I have them to begin with) and encourage them to spend holidays together if so desired. And anyway, no one is guaranteed Christmas together, what with marriage and in-laws.

As for your bio brother...that's a tough one. We adoptees are in a difficult position- do we have the right to disrupt another family? Reunion affects more than just the adoptee and the birth parent. Just thinking rhetorically here. I see that your b-mom has already said she's willing to alienate her son in order to have you present. I wonder if any of your other b-siblings could talk to the holdout brother and see if he'd come around to the idea of your presence.

All of my birth siblings have been gracious and welcoming, but my oldest brother is definitely not particularly interested in maintaining a relationship (so different from your story in that he's not hostile, just uninterested). My birth mom has asked that I call her Mom, but I've been hesitant for many reasons, one of which is being unsure of how my siblings will respond. I recognize she isn't my mom in the same way she is theirs, even though we're full siblings, and I respect their feelings on it. To be perfectly fair, though, I haven't asked them yet about their feelings, as there's a very difficult language barrier. All that to say is that I empathize with you, even if our stories are different.

[Anonymous]

OP, many have addressed the issue of your adoptive mom wanting to have Xmas with you by focusing on what she would say think and then by saying she is dead so you don't have to worry about her wishes.

It strikes me that PPs are looking at the wrong end of that relationship (your adoptive mom) instead of you. You obviously feel some sense of betrayal and disobedience by going to the biological family for Xmas even though your adoptive mom is no longer here.

I would focus more on your own feelings about that. Why do you feel the way you do? Work with a therapist if necessary. Are there some kind of rituals you can create that address including the memory of your Mom at Xmas time. Do you have kids? Can you incorporate Mom's memories into some of your own Xmas traditions with your kids? This would be a way of not "displacing" your adoptive mom with a "new" (biological) mom. The fear of being replaced or diminished as a mother probably drove your mom to be a bit militant about getting xmas with you.

In the same way, I would focus on trying to understand why the distant biological sibling feels the way he does. Work with a therapist to understand this and to consider whether avoiding him is the best way to deal with this. Sometimes people just want to be heard.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks so much to the many of you who have shared your experiences and made helpful comments. I'd love to discuss these more, and will do so soon.

Before I get to that tho, I want to address a thread integrity issue. It seems that a couple people - or maybe just one - were determined to drive the thread off the rails and/or insult me and other well-meaning posters. I almost abandoned the thread entirely, but instead asked Jeff to remove those comments, which he has graciously done. In the future, I will report such posts as they come up. Hopefully that will enable a more productive conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can provide the perspective of a bio sibling if that’s helpful. (I’ve always kind of felt annoyed by adoption “triad” since I’m not in the triad but my life has been deeply affected by my mother relinquishing her first two babies for adoption.)

Context: my mom was one of the “girls who were sent away” during the Baby Scoop Era, in her case the early 1960’s. She as Catholic, it was all a terrible secret, and she got no emotional support for the trauma. Quite the opposite. Her family was horrible. She met my dad about a year after the second baby and told him on their first date. It was great she could confide in him but she kept it a secret otherwise.

Fast forward to the 1990’s. My first sister found us. She is 10 years older than me and it was a joy for my mom to be in reunion with her. Such joy. It was also weirdly displacing for me. I was my mom’s only daughter until she found us. It was weird to have a flash of sibling rivalry appear in adulthood...but mostly it was fine. I was so happy for them both. My first sister lives across the country and it never really came up to have her come at Christmas, mostly because we didn’t host Christmas ourselves and I guess I confess that I never thought to invite her to my father’s side of the family’s big Christmas. Now, my mom is dead and I host Chistmas and I have invited her one year and generally said she was welcome anytime, but I hesitate to push it as I don’t want her to feel pressured. Do you think I should make her more explicitly welcome?

I found my second sister a couple of years ago through DNA testing. My mom died just before I found her, which is such a heartbreak. She lives closer and has done more with our family and last year her family even came to visit for a few days after Christmas. Her adoptive mother is still alive and they still all celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas as a family so again I have hesitated to invite her to holidays with us because I didn’t want her to feel pressured or torn. I do want her to feel welcome and included, though.

My sisters both took a big family vacation with us two years ago and it was both wonderful and awkward. But the awkwardness is totally understandable given that we are sisters but still in many ways strangers. We won’t know each other’s rhythms. We don’t have a shared history. They don’t know all the unspoken rules and traditions. It’s it’s still all wonderful, because it’s family. They are family. And it’s awkward and weird that our family is a fmdiffernt size and shape now, but it’s okay. Families change shape for all kinds of reasons: people marry, divorce, die. Adoption reunions can be just another reason like this. I think they are happily becoming more normalized and accepted in the age of commercial DNA testing.

I would encourage you to go. This IS your family. Your first mother loves you and your other siblings accept you and seem to be open to a relationship. It’s okay that one brother is having a harder time with it. He’s got his own feelings to process, but that doesn’t mean you have done anything wrong. You are a part of his family. His family shape has changed no matter what you do. It’s okay. Some people have a harder time with changing traditions. But you can’t erase your own existence. You are part of your family and you being so much joy to your mother. Let yourself experience this new joy. Accept that it will be awkward. All kinds of changes to traditions come with awkwardness. But that’s okay.

As for your loyalty to your adoptive mom...I understand. I’m also mad at her for so intensely forcing her own emotional needs on you that you feel obligated to appease her even in death. She doesn’t own you. You are her daughter AND your first mother’s daughter. As much as she might have wanted to pretend that your other fault didn’t exist, they do. That family was taken away from you when you were an infant without your consent. And even if your family who raised you was wonderful, you get to feel the loss of your first family in childhood. And you get to experience being part of that family now. Please don’t let your adoptive mother’s insecurities hold you back now from opportunities for new joys and new happinesses. She will always be your mother. And your first mother is always your mother, too. Go get some new Chistmas memories.

Your family is much to have such a throughtful, compassionate, caring person in it.

OP here. Thank you so much for weighing in, sibling. I didn't think to include you in the triad, but you're 100% right that your feelings matter and your perspective is most definitely relevant and helpful - especially in this case - as well as being both wise and compassionate.

My biomother was also part of the Baby Scoop Era. Sent to a home, etc. Not allowed even to hold me and told she was mentally ill for even wanting too. Even so, it took her nearly six months to sign the papers. I was sent to foster care. She was told she would go to jail if she even tried to look for me. Very similar situation to what happened to your mom.

Because of these circumstances, she didn't tell a soul about me and that includes my biosiblings. That lie is the source of the conflict between her and my sib and is the reason why he has refused to speak with me. He's punishing her for not telling him about me by refusing to acknowledge my existence. How did you feel about it when you were told, pp? Did you have feelings like my sibling? What helped you get past them? Is there anything I can do to help? Is there maybe something more to his feelings than I might be aware? It looks to me like stubbornness at this point. But perhaps I'm being naive or am simply not experienced in how sibs react in these circumstances?

Oh! And I know what you mean about the awkwardness and navigating that new relationship. I have a second biosibling who has been much more welcoming and is happy to have this new permutation in his family. Awkward and weird but also lovely. We pushed past the stranger-ness and now have a very nice relationship. It's a process, like you said. Time and goodwill help a lot.

As for your sisters, I wouldn't push it, because they may have family conflicts to attend to as well (e.g., adoptive family, in-laws, etc.), but I would extend a "no obligations" invitation to all family holiday gatherings. Make clear that you understand they have a lot of people to balance, of course, but I always think it's better to err on the side of inclusiveness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi, OP. Adult adoptee in reunion here, though my circumstances as an international adoptee are different than yours, with language barrier and cultural issues thrown in for fun!

You obviously have two issues here: respecting your adoptive mom's wishes to spend Christmas with her only and your bio brother's discomfort/hostility with you. I'm sorry your a-mom is gone; I will be devastated when my a-mom dies. I can completely understand your appeasing your a-mom's desire for Christmas with her when she was alive. However, your mom is gone and you're not choosing your b-mom over her as that's a false dichotomy due to her death. I wish your mom hadn't put you in that position, but it is what it is and I understand you. Not only am I an adoptee, but I'm also an adoptive mom. If my children are so lucky as to reunite with their birth families, I'll put aside any territorial feelings (if I have them to begin with) and encourage them to spend holidays together if so desired. And anyway, no one is guaranteed Christmas together, what with marriage and in-laws.

As for your bio brother...that's a tough one. We adoptees are in a difficult position- do we have the right to disrupt another family? Reunion affects more than just the adoptee and the birth parent. Just thinking rhetorically here. I see that your b-mom has already said she's willing to alienate her son in order to have you present. I wonder if any of your other b-siblings could talk to the holdout brother and see if he'd come around to the idea of your presence.

All of my birth siblings have been gracious and welcoming, but my oldest brother is definitely not particularly interested in maintaining a relationship (so different from your story in that he's not hostile, just uninterested). My birth mom has asked that I call her Mom, but I've been hesitant for many reasons, one of which is being unsure of how my siblings will respond. I recognize she isn't my mom in the same way she is theirs, even though we're full siblings, and I respect their feelings on it. To be perfectly fair, though, I haven't asked them yet about their feelings, as there's a very difficult language barrier. All that to say is that I empathize with you, even if our stories are different.

Thanks, pp. OP here. You've definitely got a great understanding of fundamental conflicts, which, even with the differences in culture and language, are universal.

As for my holdout sibling, there almost isn't anyone in the family who hasn't tried to play peacemaker on this one. Even his spouse has tried. No one thinks he's being reasonable. I think that's become part of the problem. My gut says he needs a way to save face and get out of this hole into which he's boxed himself. But, as I asked another pp, perhaps I'm just not sensitive enough to the sibling position here? Maybe there's something about how sibs respond in these situations that I'm just missing?

And as for my mom, I have been doing a lot of work around my own grief at her death. It's possible that what I'm feeling as betrayal is just denial - as in, I don't allow myself to move on this way out of grief, which I justify based on what I think her feelings might be now. Not that she wasn't working through hard feelings about the reunion when she died - she absolutely was - but I heard a line today about how the terrible thing about death is that the dead never change, but the living do. Maybe I've frozen her in-place and am using that static vision of her as an excuse not to face my own new reality. I'm processing it, needless to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, many have addressed the issue of your adoptive mom wanting to have Xmas with you by focusing on what she would say think and then by saying she is dead so you don't have to worry about her wishes.

It strikes me that PPs are looking at the wrong end of that relationship (your adoptive mom) instead of you. You obviously feel some sense of betrayal and disobedience by going to the biological family for Xmas even though your adoptive mom is no longer here.

I would focus more on your own feelings about that. Why do you feel the way you do? Work with a therapist if necessary. Are there some kind of rituals you can create that address including the memory of your Mom at Xmas time. Do you have kids? Can you incorporate Mom's memories into some of your own Xmas traditions with your kids? This would be a way of not "displacing" your adoptive mom with a "new" (biological) mom. The fear of being replaced or diminished as a mother probably drove your mom to be a bit militant about getting xmas with you.

In the same way, I would focus on trying to understand why the distant biological sibling feels the way he does. Work with a therapist to understand this and to consider whether avoiding him is the best way to deal with this. Sometimes people just want to be heard.

I love these ideas. Thank you. - OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks so much to the many of you who have shared your experiences and made helpful comments. I'd love to discuss these more, and will do so soon.

Before I get to that tho, I want to address a thread integrity issue. It seems that a couple people - or maybe just one - were determined to drive the thread off the rails and/or insult me and other well-meaning posters. I almost abandoned the thread entirely, but instead asked Jeff to remove those comments, which he has graciously done. In the future, I will report such posts as they come up. Hopefully that will enable a more productive conversation.

I believe mine was one of the ones you wanted deleted because I gave up a child for adoption that was conceived by rape. Too bad that you do not want to hear from those that have a different perspective

[Anonymous]

I'm an adoptee who also found my family in middle age. Don't sacrifice whatever traditions you already have to do stuff like this, but if you don't have other things on the table, of course, go. Your bio sibling's reaction, though, is enough to lie low. I have a very cordial, friendly, but arm's length relationship with my bio siblings. They are lovely, but my adopted family comes first. My bio family wasnt invited to my family events( weddings) as their appearance would have overshadowed the event, and would have made my adoptive parents very uncomfortable, but otherwise I surely would have. I was never in touch with bio parents- just the siblings and extended family. We see each other on a regular basis.
Go on a different day. Bio Mom should understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks so much to the many of you who have shared your experiences and made helpful comments. I'd love to discuss these more, and will do so soon.

Before I get to that tho, I want to address a thread integrity issue. It seems that a couple people - or maybe just one - were determined to drive the thread off the rails and/or insult me and other well-meaning posters. I almost abandoned the thread entirely, but instead asked Jeff to remove those comments, which he has graciously done. In the future, I will report such posts as they come up. Hopefully that will enable a more productive conversation.

I believe mine was one of the ones you wanted deleted because I gave up a child for adoption that was conceived by rape. Too bad that you do not want to hear from those that have a different perspective

Because your situation has little to do with what she asked, probably.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks so much to the many of you who have shared your experiences and made helpful comments. I'd love to discuss these more, and will do so soon.

Before I get to that tho, I want to address a thread integrity issue. It seems that a couple people - or maybe just one - were determined to drive the thread off the rails and/or insult me and other well-meaning posters. I almost abandoned the thread entirely, but instead asked Jeff to remove those comments, which he has graciously done. In the future, I will report such posts as they come up. Hopefully that will enable a more productive conversation.

I believe mine was one of the ones you wanted deleted because I gave up a child for adoption that was conceived by rape. Too bad that you do not want to hear from those that have a different perspective

OP doesn't want opinions or other sides. OP wants validation. OP needs a therapist. I'm sorry that happened to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks so much to the many of you who have shared your experiences and made helpful comments. I'd love to discuss these more, and will do so soon.

Before I get to that tho, I want to address a thread integrity issue. It seems that a couple people - or maybe just one - were determined to drive the thread off the rails and/or insult me and other well-meaning posters. I almost abandoned the thread entirely, but instead asked Jeff to remove those comments, which he has graciously done. In the future, I will report such posts as they come up. Hopefully that will enable a more productive conversation.

I believe mine was one of the ones you wanted deleted because I gave up a child for adoption that was conceived by rape. Too bad that you do not want to hear from those that have a different perspective

Because your situation has little to do with what she asked, probably.

Yes, OP’s situation was nothing like this situation. The two scenarios couldn’t be further apart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks so much to the many of you who have shared your experiences and made helpful comments. I'd love to discuss these more, and will do so soon.

Before I get to that tho, I want to address a thread integrity issue. It seems that a couple people - or maybe just one - were determined to drive the thread off the rails and/or insult me and other well-meaning posters. I almost abandoned the thread entirely, but instead asked Jeff to remove those comments, which he has graciously done. In the future, I will report such posts as they come up. Hopefully that will enable a more productive conversation.

I believe mine was one of the ones you wanted deleted because I gave up a child for adoption that was conceived by rape. Too bad that you do not want to hear from those that have a different perspective

OP here. You may look on the website feedback forum and find that I asked Jeff to clean up this thread because of the level of meanness. There were a few posters who got into their own exchanges where that occurred and there was plenty of out-of-bounds things said directly to me. Your post may have been one of the posts that was removed for either reason. Jeff made the call on some of these, though I don't disagree with his choices. I'm sorry this hurt your feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks so much to the many of you who have shared your experiences and made helpful comments. I'd love to discuss these more, and will do so soon.

Before I get to that tho, I want to address a thread integrity issue. It seems that a couple people - or maybe just one - were determined to drive the thread off the rails and/or insult me and other well-meaning posters. I almost abandoned the thread entirely, but instead asked Jeff to remove those comments, which he has graciously done. In the future, I will report such posts as they come up. Hopefully that will enable a more productive conversation.

I believe mine was one of the ones you wanted deleted because I gave up a child for adoption that was conceived by rape. Too bad that you do not want to hear from those that have a different perspective

OP here. You may look on the website feedback forum and find that I asked Jeff to clean up this thread because of the level of meanness. There were a few posters who got into their own exchanges where that occurred and there was plenty of out-of-bounds things said directly to me. Your post may have been one of the posts that was removed for either reason. Jeff made the call on some of these, though I don't disagree with his choices. I'm sorry this hurt your feelings.

No, you had it cleaned up as you wanted people to support your view except your view isn't clear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks so much to the many of you who have shared your experiences and made helpful comments. I'd love to discuss these more, and will do so soon.

Before I get to that tho, I want to address a thread integrity issue. It seems that a couple people - or maybe just one - were determined to drive the thread off the rails and/or insult me and other well-meaning posters. I almost abandoned the thread entirely, but instead asked Jeff to remove those comments, which he has graciously done. In the future, I will report such posts as they come up. Hopefully that will enable a more productive conversation.

I believe mine was one of the ones you wanted deleted because I gave up a child for adoption that was conceived by rape. Too bad that you do not want to hear from those that have a different perspective

OP here. You may look on the website feedback forum and find that I asked Jeff to clean up this thread because of the level of meanness. There were a few posters who got into their own exchanges where that occurred and there was plenty of out-of-bounds things said directly to me. Your post may have been one of the posts that was removed for either reason. Jeff made the call on some of these, though I don't disagree with his choices. I'm sorry this hurt your feelings.

No, you had it cleaned up as you wanted people to support your view except your view isn't clear.

You really are just looking for a fight. It would be best if you invested your time elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am an adoptee that answered a thread, not mine, some time ago. I was astounded how vitriolic some of the responses throughout were, and the thread went on for weeks. There were some nut jobs that would not or could not let go. Just ignore those that don't get it. Glad the negative posts were deleted.