adoptees, would you spend holidays with your biofamily?
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Anonymous
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Long story short. Adopted as an infant in a forced adoption. Adoptive family was complicated but I was very close to my mother, who is now dead. Met my biofamily in middle age. Relationships are nice and generally pretty comfortable with most of them. Bioparent - not getting any younger - really wants to have Christmas with all the kids and grandkids, including me. My adoptive mom would not have gone for that when she was alive as Christmas was her favorite holiday. Plus, one of my bioparent's other adult children is actively hostile towards me for very stupid reasons (e.g., hurt pride). Bioparent thinks they can force the issue, I suspect, and says they are willing to exclude that child if it means they get one Christmas with me and everyone else before they die.
Adoptees, what would you do? Anyone with experience navigating this minefield? |
Anonymous
| I would visit on a different day. At this point, Christmas is over. Its hard to find a balance if everyone is not committed to it. You have now through Christmas so just go visit. Why do you need a specific reason? And, wait till closer to next Christmas and decide. |
Anonymous
Are you an adoptee or a member of the triad? Have you ever actually been through something like this, personally? |
Anonymous
I am a parent through adoption. I prefer my child's birth mom's family so if I ever have the choice I choose them. Yes, we've been through it many times. I talk to them a few times a week regularly. The difference is we all make the effort and we don't distinguish biological, birth, or what ever and we just call each other family. They treat us like one of their kids and we treat them as our inlaws/grandparents. In your situation, Christmas is over. You have 11 months before you need to worry about this. You have plenty of time to go and visit or invite her to visit and create a relationship. It doesn't need to be on Christmas and if she is older/may not live much longer waiting till next Christmas makes no sense. |
Anonymous
OP here. It may seem like something that can be worried about later to you, but it's something my bioparent asks for throughout the year. The recent passing of Christmas brought the issue up again. And again, though it may not be a big deal to you to visit outside of Christmas day itself, this is a specific request that is important to them. Moreover, it sounds like you actually have a very different experience with adoption than the complicated dynamics in my situation. It doesn't sound like your experience or advice has any bearing. |
Anonymous
Ours is extremely complicated and part of it really bad but we are all very close to one particular relatives. You cannot even imagine how complicated as its far worse than most bad situations. I would let her know you appreciate the invitation but aren't ready to commit for Christmas next year. Tell her the dates you have available for you to visit or the dates available for her to visit. If money is an issue, offer to pay part or all if they are coming to you. Hi, I'm not ready to commit for Christmas yet. I'd really like to see you. Here are the dates I have available next year. |
Anonymous
Yeah, I've been doing exactly this since my mom died. I'm an adult and can say no. I didn't need you to explain how. You've got the wrong end of the stick on this one. Truly. My dilemma is if I should say yes. It might be nice for me and for them to have this experience, but it also feels like a betrayal to my mom even though I know it doesn't have to be. That's why I was hoping to hear from other adoptees who have actually done this. With all due respect, as the adoptive parent, the emotional issues just aren't the same for you. |
Anonymous
Why are you asking this then? Your mom is dead. Do what you want. If you want to go, go. Why make it into a drama? You have no idea what issues we face. Don't be so smug about it. If you are posting, to me, you do not want to go or you would have accepted the invitation. It takes two to have a relationship and you need to do your share. If your Dad is alive and want to spend it with him, do so and see them them another time. Its pretty simple. |
Anonymous
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I am an adoptive parent. If my child had the opportunity you describe to spend Christmas with her biological family, I would encourage her to do so. I would not feel betrayed because their is no betrayal.
Every family is complicated and has dysfunction. Don’t let that stop you either. |
Anonymous
Thank you, PP. This was reassuring and helpful. I have felt like if the sibling doesn't want me there, I should respect that boundary since this is his family in a way that it can never be mine. On the other hand, that feels like us all going back to pretending I don't exist, just so he can save face. (He reacted poorly to the news initially and has never found a way to walk that back.) As for my mom, her meeting my biomom for the first time was hard for her even though she wanted to be happy. They didn't really get a chance to become friends before my mom died. So, that's the part that feels like a betrayal. I know my mom would want one thing, but might feel another. And to do it on Christmas too? It's a gut punch. OTOH, everyone in my family is dead. My biofamily is all that's left. Spending Christmas without any family for the rest of my life in order to not hurt the feelings of a dead person is kind of ridiculous, even if it makes sense from an emotional point of view. |
Anonymous
| How is it a betrayal? You are way overthinking this. You have no other family and are clearly looking for a relationship so go have one. If this sibling doesn't like you, too bad. It is hard on him too but he'll need to adjust. I respect he was upset especially if he was told as an adult and didn't know all along as its a huge family secret and it changes his standing within the family. Go if it reels right to you. You are not replacing your mom. She will always be your mom. |
Anonymous
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I agree that you need to try to tune out the idea that IF your mother was still alive, she would not like you to spend Christmas with your birthmom.
Your adoptive mom is no longer on this earth. She should want you to do what feels right to you. You are lucky to have a new option. It may help you cope with the fact that your Christmases have to change. You will still miss your mom but this can distract you and maybe meet some need you did not know you had? |
Anonymous
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OP here. This thread has taken a life that I never intended. I posted in search of the stories and experiences of other adoptees who have actual, BTDT experience with this situation. I'm interested to hear from them what hurdles they faced and how they handled them, anything that came up for them (expected or unexpected), and how things developed over time. If anyone reading this post has had those experiences personally, as an adoptee, I hope you feel comfortable to share.
I should not have responded to others, who while hopefully well-meaning, really haven't gone through this experience (as an adoptee) themselves. If I came across as dismissive of those persons, I apologize and wish those posters well. |
Anonymous
| Very few times did I go visit when my extending bio-relatives were there as well. Often one in the bunch was not comfortable with my being there, which I can respect. I did extend an open invitation to come visit me. Twice a year she would come for a week or two. |
Anonymous
Thanks, pp. OP here. This is very similar to how we've been handling it thus far. Did you ever do holidays together? Did you want to? Did she? What was that like for you? Did it just not come up? |