adoptees, would you spend holidays with your biofamily?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very few times did I go visit when my extending bio-relatives were there as well. Often one in the bunch was not comfortable with my being there, which I can respect. I did extend an open invitation to come visit me. Twice a year she would come for a week or two.

Thanks, pp. OP here. This is very similar to how we've been handling it thus far. Did you ever do holidays together? Did you want to? Did she? What was that like for you? Did it just not come up?

I went to her birthday party one year and a family reunion. She came to my wedding and a Thanksgiving once. I was very comfortable with her coming and joining in with my adoptive family, but less comfortable heading into larger gathers with my bio-family. Honestly the hardest was her funeral. I wanted to be there, but knew it would be hard on the others...so I stayed away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very few times did I go visit when my extending bio-relatives were there as well. Often one in the bunch was not comfortable with my being there, which I can respect. I did extend an open invitation to come visit me. Twice a year she would come for a week or two.

Thanks, pp. OP here. This is very similar to how we've been handling it thus far. Did you ever do holidays together? Did you want to? Did she? What was that like for you? Did it just not come up?

I went to her birthday party one year and a family reunion. She came to my wedding and a Thanksgiving once. I was very comfortable with her coming and joining in with my adoptive family, but less comfortable heading into larger gathers with my bio-family. Honestly the hardest was her funeral. I wanted to be there, but knew it would be hard on the others...so I stayed away.

Wow. So, very similar. We've been doing the exact same thing. Are you happy with the decisions that were made, for the most part anyway? Would you do it differently if you had it to do again? Do you regret, now that she's gone, not going to bio-family events more - even if that upset some others - for your own sake?

Thanks very much for sharing. - OP

[Anonymous]

I have a biological daughter who I gave up for adoption against my will. My bio DD found me when she was in college, but I would never put her in a position to have to chose between me and her parents.

Your bio mother isn't asking you to chose because your mother is now dead.

[Anonymous]

My youngest siblings are adopted. They spent many holidays with their biomom and sometimes putative father. Sometimes it was ok and sometimes an unmitigated disaster. I thought their therapist sucked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a biological daughter who I gave up for adoption against my will. My bio DD found me when she was in college, but I would never put her in a position to have to chose between me and her parents.

Your bio mother isn't asking you to chose because your mother is now dead.

OP here. I am so sorry you went through that, pp.

[Anonymous]

I am not sure you want my perspective, as an adoptive mom. I’m also someone whose mother has passed so I know what it feels like not to have the primary caretaker - mom - to share Christmas. If I were gone I would want my children to feel freedom to celebrate however might make them feel good. When my mom was dying, she wanted someone to commit to being our “mother” in her absence (she asked her sister/my aunt, to be our “mom”). I think I would want the same thing for my boys, and who better than the person who carried them. We are not in contact with my kids’ birth parents (their choice) but I love them for bringing their children iinto this world under difficult circumstances and I hope one day that my kids will meet them and have a special, loving relationship with them. I don’t think I would feel replaced, as hopefully they will know how much I love them too. The more people who love my kids, the better. Good luck, OP, whatever you decide. There is no wrong answer, just whatever you want. You deserve the right to choose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very few times did I go visit when my extending bio-relatives were there as well. Often one in the bunch was not comfortable with my being there, which I can respect. I did extend an open invitation to come visit me. Twice a year she would come for a week or two.

Thanks, pp. OP here. This is very similar to how we've been handling it thus far. Did you ever do holidays together? Did you want to? Did she? What was that like for you? Did it just not come up?

I went to her birthday party one year and a family reunion. She came to my wedding and a Thanksgiving once. I was very comfortable with her coming and joining in with my adoptive family, but less comfortable heading into larger gathers with my bio-family. Honestly the hardest was her funeral. I wanted to be there, but knew it would be hard on the others...so I stayed away.

Wow. So, very similar. We've been doing the exact same thing. Are you happy with the decisions that were made, for the most part anyway? Would you do it differently if you had it to do again? Do you regret, now that she's gone, not going to bio-family events more - even if that upset some others - for your own sake?

Thanks very much for sharing. - OP

Occasionally I second guess not going to her funeral, but do believe it was what was best for those also struggling with her death. I am pleased over all, we had some great visits together and I have fun memories and pictures. I went into the first visit with the whole family completely naive, and just not really thinking in any great depth of how others were feeling. I am completely open to getting to know and maintain a relationship with any of my bio-family who wish the same. I'm also willing to answer a few random questions one may have, and then have them back away. I didn't want to create drama or damage family relationships already in place. It is complicated as you are both family and a stranger (outsider.) If important to you ask now about her parents and grandparents. Get pictures if possible and record stories.

[Anonymous]

You can always celebrate Christmas with your biomom on a day that is not December 25th. You could do a Christmas style dinner, or do it Christmas Eve or something, and exchange gifts, if you want to do something else on Christmas Day.

I think we, as a society, give too much weight to specific days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure you want my perspective, as an adoptive mom. I’m also someone whose mother has passed so I know what it feels like not to have the primary caretaker - mom - to share Christmas. If I were gone I would want my children to feel freedom to celebrate however might make them feel good. When my mom was dying, she wanted someone to commit to being our “mother” in her absence (she asked her sister/my aunt, to be our “mom”). I think I would want the same thing for my boys, and who better than the person who carried them. We are not in contact with my kids’ birth parents (their choice) but I love them for bringing their children iinto this world under difficult circumstances and I hope one day that my kids will meet them and have a special, loving relationship with them. I don’t think I would feel replaced, as hopefully they will know how much I love them too. The more people who love my kids, the better. Good luck, OP, whatever you decide. There is no wrong answer, just whatever you want. You deserve the right to choose.

OP here. Thank you very much for sharing this lovely perspective. I'm definitely going to reflect on this for awhile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very few times did I go visit when my extending bio-relatives were there as well. Often one in the bunch was not comfortable with my being there, which I can respect. I did extend an open invitation to come visit me. Twice a year she would come for a week or two.

Thanks, pp. OP here. This is very similar to how we've been handling it thus far. Did you ever do holidays together? Did you want to? Did she? What was that like for you? Did it just not come up?

I went to her birthday party one year and a family reunion. She came to my wedding and a Thanksgiving once. I was very comfortable with her coming and joining in with my adoptive family, but less comfortable heading into larger gathers with my bio-family. Honestly the hardest was her funeral. I wanted to be there, but knew it would be hard on the others...so I stayed away.

Wow. So, very similar. We've been doing the exact same thing. Are you happy with the decisions that were made, for the most part anyway? Would you do it differently if you had it to do again? Do you regret, now that she's gone, not going to bio-family events more - even if that upset some others - for your own sake?

Thanks very much for sharing. - OP

Occasionally I second guess not going to her funeral, but do believe it was what was best for those also struggling with her death. I am pleased over all, we had some great visits together and I have fun memories and pictures. I went into the first visit with the whole family completely naive, and just not really thinking in any great depth of how others were feeling. I am completely open to getting to know and maintain a relationship with any of my bio-family who wish the same. I'm also willing to answer a few random questions one may have, and then have them back away. I didn't want to create drama or damage family relationships already in place. It is complicated as you are both family and a stranger (outsider.) If important to you ask now about her parents and grandparents. Get pictures if possible and record stories.

OP here. Thank you so much for having this conversation with me. I am trying not to be naive and as a result, have also been very selective about what I have attended for fear of hurting others' feelings. People have been 100% nice at everything I've attended, with the exception of that one brother. It's been 10 years since we initiated contact and even tho I demure each year, my biomother keeps asking for Christmas. I have always said no, but I feel like I revictimize her each time I do it since she has said it is her greatest wish to spend Christmas with all her children and that it's something she's thought about since her parents forced her to place. That's a lot of Christmases to have a secret broken heart. But, like you said, it's complicated by all these other people who have feelings too. It's such a crap situation.

Your tip about family record is great advice. We are already working on a family history together. I'm the family genealogist, oddly enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am an adoptive parent. If my child had the opportunity you describe to spend Christmas with her biological family, I would encourage her to do so. I would not feel betrayed because their is no betrayal.

Every family is complicated and has dysfunction. Don’t let that stop you either.

Thank you, PP. This was reassuring and helpful. I have felt like if the sibling doesn't want me there, I should respect that boundary since this is his family in a way that it can never be mine. On the other hand, that feels like us all going back to pretending I don't exist, just so he can save face. (He reacted poorly to the news initially and has never found a way to walk that back.)

As for my mom, her meeting my biomom for the first time was hard for her even though she wanted to be happy. They didn't really get a chance to become friends before my mom died. So, that's the part that feels like a betrayal. I know my mom would want one thing, but might feel another. And to do it on Christmas too? It's a gut punch. OTOH, everyone in my family is dead. My biofamily is all that's left. Spending Christmas without any family for the rest of my life in order to not hurt the feelings of a dead person is kind of ridiculous, even if it makes sense from an emotional point of view.

Some experiences are universal. If every person with a resentful sibling skipped Christmas celebrations, that’ would be a massive number of people!

I have seen my own adoptive child get hung up on believing issues she experiences are because she adopted when in fact the issues are not special and pertaining to most everybody - feelings of not fitting in with anyone in a family - this happens even to people who are not adopted, having family members resent you for how you grew up, and so on. I see that it can be a struggle at times to accept that these feelings and situations really are not at times relates to adoption but just life. I find that there is a lingering fantasy that if one grows up in their bio family than these issues would not be present but that’s not really true.

[Anonymous]

I can provide the perspective of a bio sibling if that’s helpful. (I’ve always kind of felt annoyed by adoption “triad” since I’m not in the triad but my life has been deeply affected by my mother relinquishing her first two babies for adoption.)

Context: my mom was one of the “girls who were sent away” during the Baby Scoop Era, in her case the early 1960’s. She as Catholic, it was all a terrible secret, and she got no emotional support for the trauma. Quite the opposite. Her family was horrible. She met my dad about a year after the second baby and told him on their first date. It was great she could confide in him but she kept it a secret otherwise.

Fast forward to the 1990’s. My first sister found us. She is 10 years older than me and it was a joy for my mom to be in reunion with her. Such joy. It was also weirdly displacing for me. I was my mom’s only daughter until she found us. It was weird to have a flash of sibling rivalry appear in adulthood...but mostly it was fine. I was so happy for them both. My first sister lives across the country and it never really came up to have her come at Christmas, mostly because we didn’t host Christmas ourselves and I guess I confess that I never thought to invite her to my father’s side of the family’s big Christmas. Now, my mom is dead and I host Chistmas and I have invited her one year and generally said she was welcome anytime, but I hesitate to push it as I don’t want her to feel pressured. Do you think I should make her more explicitly welcome?

I found my second sister a couple of years ago through DNA testing. My mom died just before I found her, which is such a heartbreak. She lives closer and has done more with our family and last year her family even came to visit for a few days after Christmas. Her adoptive mother is still alive and they still all celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas as a family so again I have hesitated to invite her to holidays with us because I didn’t want her to feel pressured or torn. I do want her to feel welcome and included, though.

My sisters both took a big family vacation with us two years ago and it was both wonderful and awkward. But the awkwardness is totally understandable given that we are sisters but still in many ways strangers. We won’t know each other’s rhythms. We don’t have a shared history. They don’t know all the unspoken rules and traditions. It’s it’s still all wonderful, because it’s family. They are family. And it’s awkward and weird that our family is a fmdiffernt size and shape now, but it’s okay. Families change shape for all kinds of reasons: people marry, divorce, die. Adoption reunions can be just another reason like this. I think they are happily becoming more normalized and accepted in the age of commercial DNA testing.

I would encourage you to go. This IS your family. Your first mother loves you and your other siblings accept you and seem to be open to a relationship. It’s okay that one brother is having a harder time with it. He’s got his own feelings to process, but that doesn’t mean you have done anything wrong. You are a part of his family. His family shape has changed no matter what you do. It’s okay. Some people have a harder time with changing traditions. But you can’t erase your own existence. You are part of your family and you being so much joy to your mother. Let yourself experience this new joy. Accept that it will be awkward. All kinds of changes to traditions come with awkwardness. But that’s okay.

As for your loyalty to your adoptive mom...I understand. I’m also mad at her for so intensely forcing her own emotional needs on you that you feel obligated to appease her even in death. She doesn’t own you. You are her daughter AND your first mother’s daughter. As much as she might have wanted to pretend that your other fault didn’t exist, they do. That family was taken away from you when you were an infant without your consent. And even if your family who raised you was wonderful, you get to feel the loss of your first family in childhood. And you get to experience being part of that family now. Please don’t let your adoptive mother’s insecurities hold you back now from opportunities for new joys and new happinesses. She will always be your mother. And your first mother is always your mother, too. Go get some new Chistmas memories.

Your family is much to have such a throughtful, compassionate, caring person in it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can provide the perspective of a bio sibling if that’s helpful. (I’ve always kind of felt annoyed by adoption “triad” since I’m not in the triad but my life has been deeply affected by my mother relinquishing her first two babies for adoption.)

Context: my mom was one of the “girls who were sent away” during the Baby Scoop Era, in her case the early 1960’s. She as Catholic, it was all a terrible secret, and she got no emotional support for the trauma. Quite the opposite. Her family was horrible. She met my dad about a year after the second baby and told him on their first date. It was great she could confide in him but she kept it a secret otherwise.

Fast forward to the 1990’s. My first sister found us. She is 10 years older than me and it was a joy for my mom to be in reunion with her. Such joy. It was also weirdly displacing for me. I was my mom’s only daughter until she found us. It was weird to have a flash of sibling rivalry appear in adulthood...but mostly it was fine. I was so happy for them both. My first sister lives across the country and it never really came up to have her come at Christmas, mostly because we didn’t host Christmas ourselves and I guess I confess that I never thought to invite her to my father’s side of the family’s big Christmas. Now, my mom is dead and I host Chistmas and I have invited her one year and generally said she was welcome anytime, but I hesitate to push it as I don’t want her to feel pressured. Do you think I should make her more explicitly welcome?

I found my second sister a couple of years ago through DNA testing. My mom died just before I found her, which is such a heartbreak. She lives closer and has done more with our family and last year her family even came to visit for a few days after Christmas. Her adoptive mother is still alive and they still all celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas as a family so again I have hesitated to invite her to holidays with us because I didn’t want her to feel pressured or torn. I do want her to feel welcome and included, though.

My sisters both took a big family vacation with us two years ago and it was both wonderful and awkward. But the awkwardness is totally understandable given that we are sisters but still in many ways strangers. We won’t know each other’s rhythms. We don’t have a shared history. They don’t know all the unspoken rules and traditions. It’s it’s still all wonderful, because it’s family. They are family. And it’s awkward and weird that our family is a fmdiffernt size and shape now, but it’s okay. Families change shape for all kinds of reasons: people marry, divorce, die. Adoption reunions can be just another reason like this. I think they are happily becoming more normalized and accepted in the age of commercial DNA testing.

I would encourage you to go. This IS your family. Your first mother loves you and your other siblings accept you and seem to be open to a relationship. It’s okay that one brother is having a harder time with it. He’s got his own feelings to process, but that doesn’t mean you have done anything wrong. You are a part of his family. His family shape has changed no matter what you do. It’s okay. Some people have a harder time with changing traditions. But you can’t erase your own existence. You are part of your family and you being so much joy to your mother. Let yourself experience this new joy. Accept that it will be awkward. All kinds of changes to traditions come with awkwardness. But that’s okay.

As for your loyalty to your adoptive mom...I understand. I’m also mad at her for so intensely forcing her own emotional needs on you that you feel obligated to appease her even in death. She doesn’t own you. You are her daughter AND your first mother’s daughter. As much as she might have wanted to pretend that your other fault didn’t exist, they do. That family was taken away from you when you were an infant without your consent. And even if your family who raised you was wonderful, you get to feel the loss of your first family in childhood. And you get to experience being part of that family now. Please don’t let your adoptive mother’s insecurities hold you back now from opportunities for new joys and new happinesses. She will always be your mother. And your first mother is always your mother, too. Go get some new Chistmas memories.

Your family is much to have such a throughtful, compassionate, caring person in it.

Apologies for all the typos. On phone. But really...your brother has his own emotional shit to deal with...a lot of it may have nothing to do with you. I had my own stuff to process about my sisters and still have to figure out how we all fit into each other’s lives. But I am so lucky and grateful to have a chance to awkwardly and messily work this out over the next few decades. I wish my mom had ever been able to have us all together. She never once had a day’s peace of knowing all her children together in one room. I can only imagine the joy and peace she would have felt having us all with her at Christmas. I really urge you to do it. Even just saying yes now will bring her joy all year. (And will give the family time to get used to the idea!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very few times did I go visit when my extending bio-relatives were there as well. Often one in the bunch was not comfortable with my being there, which I can respect. I did extend an open invitation to come visit me. Twice a year she would come for a week or two.

Thanks, pp. OP here. This is very similar to how we've been handling it thus far. Did you ever do holidays together? Did you want to? Did she? What was that like for you? Did it just not come up?

I went to her birthday party one year and a family reunion. She came to my wedding and a Thanksgiving once. I was very comfortable with her coming and joining in with my adoptive family, but less comfortable heading into larger gathers with my bio-family. Honestly the hardest was her funeral. I wanted to be there, but knew it would be hard on the others...so I stayed away.

Wow. So, very similar. We've been doing the exact same thing. Are you happy with the decisions that were made, for the most part anyway? Would you do it differently if you had it to do again? Do you regret, now that she's gone, not going to bio-family events more - even if that upset some others - for your own sake?

Thanks very much for sharing. - OP

Occasionally I second guess not going to her funeral, but do believe it was what was best for those also struggling with her death. I am pleased over all, we had some great visits together and I have fun memories and pictures. I went into the first visit with the whole family completely naive, and just not really thinking in any great depth of how others were feeling. I am completely open to getting to know and maintain a relationship with any of my bio-family who wish the same. I'm also willing to answer a few random questions one may have, and then have them back away. I didn't want to create drama or damage family relationships already in place. It is complicated as you are both family and a stranger (outsider.) If important to you ask now about her parents and grandparents. Get pictures if possible and record stories.

OP here. Thank you so much for having this conversation with me. I am trying not to be naive and as a result, have also been very selective about what I have attended for fear of hurting others' feelings. People have been 100% nice at everything I've attended, with the exception of that one brother. It's been 10 years since we initiated contact and even tho I demure each year, my biomother keeps asking for Christmas. I have always said no, but I feel like I revictimize her each time I do it since she has said it is her greatest wish to spend Christmas with all her children and that it's something she's thought about since her parents forced her to place. That's a lot of Christmases to have a secret broken heart. But, like you said, it's complicated by all these other people who have feelings too. It's such a crap situation.

Your tip about family record is great advice. We are already working on a family history together. I'm the family genealogist, oddly enough.

Given that she's asked for 10 years, she is elderly, and you have been staying away out of respect for others' feelings, perhaps you could write a letter to the unhappy brother and offer a truce, for one day (next Christmas) for the sake of your mother. Explain that it seems very important to her, that you would like to do this one thing to make her happy, but that you also have respect for his feelings and don't want to hurt him with your presence. Point out that you've declined for years for his sake. Ask him if he'd be willing to have you there one time, as a potentially last Christmas gift to his mother. You would have to craft the letter carefully and with an intent to soothe his pain/ego, and of course, you risk that he says no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very few times did I go visit when my extending bio-relatives were there as well. Often one in the bunch was not comfortable with my being there, which I can respect. I did extend an open invitation to come visit me. Twice a year she would come for a week or two.

Thanks, pp. OP here. This is very similar to how we've been handling it thus far. Did you ever do holidays together? Did you want to? Did she? What was that like for you? Did it just not come up?

I went to her birthday party one year and a family reunion. She came to my wedding and a Thanksgiving once. I was very comfortable with her coming and joining in with my adoptive family, but less comfortable heading into larger gathers with my bio-family. Honestly the hardest was her funeral. I wanted to be there, but knew it would be hard on the others...so I stayed away.

Wow. So, very similar. We've been doing the exact same thing. Are you happy with the decisions that were made, for the most part anyway? Would you do it differently if you had it to do again? Do you regret, now that she's gone, not going to bio-family events more - even if that upset some others - for your own sake?

Thanks very much for sharing. - OP

Occasionally I second guess not going to her funeral, but do believe it was what was best for those also struggling with her death. I am pleased over all, we had some great visits together and I have fun memories and pictures. I went into the first visit with the whole family completely naive, and just not really thinking in any great depth of how others were feeling. I am completely open to getting to know and maintain a relationship with any of my bio-family who wish the same. I'm also willing to answer a few random questions one may have, and then have them back away. I didn't want to create drama or damage family relationships already in place. It is complicated as you are both family and a stranger (outsider.) If important to you ask now about her parents and grandparents. Get pictures if possible and record stories.

OP here. Thank you so much for having this conversation with me. I am trying not to be naive and as a result, have also been very selective about what I have attended for fear of hurting others' feelings. People have been 100% nice at everything I've attended, with the exception of that one brother. It's been 10 years since we initiated contact and even tho I demure each year, my biomother keeps asking for Christmas. I have always said no, but I feel like I revictimize her each time I do it since she has said it is her greatest wish to spend Christmas with all her children and that it's something she's thought about since her parents forced her to place. That's a lot of Christmases to have a secret broken heart. But, like you said, it's complicated by all these other people who have feelings too. It's such a crap situation.

Your tip about family record is great advice. We are already working on a family history together. I'm the family genealogist, oddly enough.

Given that she's asked for 10 years, she is elderly, and you have been staying away out of respect for others' feelings, perhaps you could write a letter to the unhappy brother and offer a truce, for one day (next Christmas) for the sake of your mother. Explain that it seems very important to her, that you would like to do this one thing to make her happy, but that you also have respect for his feelings and don't want to hurt him with your presence. Point out that you've declined for years for his sake. Ask him if he'd be willing to have you there one time, as a potentially last Christmas gift to his mother. You would have to craft the letter carefully and with an intent to soothe his pain/ego, and of course, you risk that he says no.

Or maybe don't write it in a way that asks his permission but just as way of explaining to him why you'd like to do this for your mother. That way if you decide to go, you've maybe soften his opposition by showing your concern up front for his feelings.