Reply to adoptees, would you spend holidays with your biofamily?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I can provide the perspective of a bio sibling if that’s helpful.  (I’ve always kind of felt annoyed by adoption “triad” since I’m not in the triad but my life has been deeply affected by my mother relinquishing her first two babies for adoption.)

Context: my mom was one of the “girls who were sent away” during the Baby Scoop Era, in her case the early 1960’s.  She as Catholic, it was all a terrible secret, and she got no emotional support for the trauma.  Quite the opposite.  Her family was horrible.  She met my dad about a year after the second baby and told him on their first date.  It was great she could confide in him but she kept it a secret otherwise.

Fast forward to the 1990’s. My first sister found us.  She is 10 years older than me and it was a joy for my mom to be in reunion with her.  Such joy.  It was also weirdly displacing for me.  I was my mom’s only daughter until she found us.  It was weird to have a flash of sibling rivalry appear in adulthood...but mostly it was fine.  I was so happy for them both. My first sister lives across the country and it never really came up to have her come at Christmas, mostly because we didn’t host Christmas ourselves and I guess I confess that I never thought to invite her to my father’s side of the family’s big Christmas.  Now, my mom is dead and I host Chistmas and I have invited her one year and generally said she was welcome anytime, but I hesitate to push it as I don’t want her to feel pressured.  Do you think I should make her more explicitly welcome?

I found my second sister a couple of years ago through DNA testing.  My mom died just before I found her, which is such a heartbreak.  She lives closer and has done more with our family and last year her family even came to visit for a few days after Christmas.  Her adoptive mother is still alive and they still all celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas as a family so again I have hesitated to invite her to holidays with us because I didn’t want her to feel pressured or torn.  I do want her to feel welcome and included, though.

My sisters both took a big family vacation with us two years ago and it was both wonderful and awkward.  But the awkwardness is totally understandable given that we are sisters but still in many ways strangers.  We won’t know each other’s rhythms.  We don’t have a shared history.  They don’t know all the unspoken rules and traditions.  It’s it’s still all wonderful, because it’s family.  They are family.  And it’s awkward and weird that our family is a fmdiffernt size and shape now, but it’s okay.  Families change shape for all kinds of reasons: people marry, divorce, die.  Adoption reunions can be just another reason like this.  I think they are happily becoming more normalized and accepted in the age of commercial DNA testing.

I would encourage you to go.  This IS your family.  Your first mother loves you and your other siblings accept you and seem to be open to a relationship.  It’s okay that one brother is having a harder time with it.  He’s got his own feelings to process, but that doesn’t mean you have done anything wrong.  You are a part of his family.  His family shape has changed no matter what you do.  It’s okay.  Some people have a harder time with changing traditions.  But you can’t erase your own existence.  You are part of your family and you being so much joy to your mother.  Let yourself experience this new joy.  Accept that it will be awkward.  All kinds of changes to traditions come with awkwardness.  But that’s okay.

As for your loyalty to your adoptive mom...I understand.  I’m also mad at her for so intensely forcing her own emotional needs on you that you feel obligated to appease her even in death.  She doesn’t own you.  You are her daughter AND your first mother’s daughter.  As much as she might have wanted to pretend that your other fault didn’t exist, they do.  That family was taken away from you when you were an infant without your consent.  And even if your family who raised you was wonderful, you get to feel the loss of your first family in childhood.  And you get to experience being part of that family now.  Please don’t let your adoptive mother’s insecurities hold you back now from opportunities for new joys and new happinesses.  She will always be your mother.  And your first mother is always your mother, too.  Go get some new Chistmas memories.  :)

Your family is much to have such a throughtful, compassionate, caring person in it.[/quote]

OP here. Thank you so much for weighing in, sibling. I didn't think to include you in the triad, but you're 100% right that your feelings matter and your perspective is most definitely relevant and helpful - especially in this case - as well as being both wise and compassionate.

My biomother was also part of the Baby Scoop Era. Sent to a home, etc. Not allowed even to hold me and told she was mentally ill for even wanting too. Even so, it took her nearly six months to sign the papers. I was sent to foster care. She was told she would go to jail if she even tried to look for me. Very similar situation to what happened to your mom.

Because of these circumstances, she didn't tell a soul about me and that includes my biosiblings. That lie is the source of the conflict between her and my sib and is the reason why he has refused to speak with me. He's punishing her for not telling him about me by refusing to acknowledge my existence. How did you feel about it when you were told, pp? Did you have feelings like my sibling? What helped you get past them? Is there anything I can do to help? Is there maybe something more to his feelings than I might be aware? It looks to me like stubbornness at this point. But perhaps I'm being naive or am simply not experienced in how sibs react in these circumstances?

Oh! And I know what you mean about the awkwardness and navigating that new relationship. I have a second biosibling who has been much more welcoming and is happy to have this new permutation in his family. Awkward and weird but also lovely. We pushed past the stranger-ness and now have a very nice relationship. It's a process, like you said. Time and goodwill help a lot.

As for your sisters, I wouldn't push it, because they may have family conflicts to attend to as well (e.g., adoptive family, in-laws, etc.), but I would extend a "no obligations" invitation to all family holiday gatherings. Make clear that you understand they have a lot of people to balance, of course, but I always think it's better to err on the side of inclusiveness.
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