How do you parent with a husband who won't?

[Anonymous]

You both sound crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At this rate there is a good chance your DD is going to flunk out of college because she’s never learned to manage herself. She’s spending all her energy on getting around control freak you.

The main reason she has poor executive functioning is because you never let her figure it out for herself. You sound like you are raising elementary schoolers not kids in high school. Bet your DD can’t wait to leave home for college. You have to chill.

Did you not read the previous posts? there's plenty op lets her dd figure out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At this rate there is a good chance your DD is going to flunk out of college because she’s never learned to manage herself. She’s spending all her energy on getting around control freak you.

The main reason she has poor executive functioning is because you never let her figure it out for herself. You sound like you are raising elementary schoolers not kids in high school. Bet your DD can’t wait to leave home for college. You have to chill.

Did you not read the previous posts? there's plenty op lets her dd figure out.

It sounds like with OP, it’s either tell her DD exactly what to do or completely hands off. No scaffolding or slowly letting them become more independent. Not surprising it’s all a complete fail.

[Anonymous]

It’s too late. The time for this was when the kids were like five or six years old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you the same OP of "I lost it with dd when she got an 84 in AP class?" You sound just like her.
I feel like you are screaming at us here on dcum, you are now adding teeth, and shoes? WTH? You are her parent, buy her new shoes is these have holes. It sounds like you can't make up your mind if you are a parent and what it means to be a parent. How can she have shoes with holes? Are you really poor? And why is a child is executive functioning issues taking AP physics? That makes no sense. It makes no sense that she was taking honors physics last year either if she struggles.
You are not making any sense, you came off as controlling and in charge, but now you are just letting the things fall apart and her teeth are rotting?! Let your DH's mom handle it, she knew what she was doing, clearly!

OP here - I don't mean to scream. I am hoping someone will understand what it's like trying to help a teen with executive functioning challenges and a husband who won't support an agree-upon rules.

taking AP physics was her CHOICE. She was required to take honors physics at her school and had a really great teacher thus AP physics this year as her choice. She is a hard worker but it takes her 4-6 hour to do homework that should take 2! (I don't yell over an 84 - that wasn't me. ) She's pre-occupied with her phone to work efficiently and then gets no sleep, then can't concentrate and needs to stay up late studying many nights. It's a cycle



As for her shoes with holes, I have asked her to go shopping with me but she can't manage her time to make it to the mall. I've asked her to find shoes online and have them shipped to home, but she won't. I've given her scaffolding short of going to the store and selecting shoes myself for her. But, is that what I should do?

BTW, DH's mother is dead. SHe died at 64 years old due to smoking and drinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s too late. The time for this was when the kids were like five or six years old.

Gosh, new poster here, I hope it’s never “too late.” I mess up all the time as a parent!!

[Anonymous]

You guys needed PEP 15 years ago and you should hire someone (parenting coach, therapist) to work this out now. What you do when left to your own devices doesn’t work.

[Anonymous]

Omg your 17 year old has a bedtime of 10:30? You know she will be in college without you, in the very near future, setting her bedtime.

[Anonymous]

OP, I understand your situation and your frustrations. My DH was also raised by a single mother who struggled to make ends meet, and he grew up with little supervision and structure. They were very poor, and his mother also died early of the effects of alcoholism. He didn't have good role models either and has just the tendencies you describe.

But that said, I think you should recognize that your DH obviously loves your kids a lot and does show that love by doing what he thinks will help them. That is something to appreciate and be grateful for, and you should recognize that in how you think about him and talk to him.

At the same time, I agree with you that you need to instill more structure than your DH does. My DH was very driven and successful, but making it out of a small Midwestern community 30 years ago was very different than dealing with all the demands put on kids in this area today. I try to get him to see that, but in the end of the day I am the one supplying structure. I don't complain about it. It is what it is. Maybe that helps me win the arguments. But with the kids, you need their buy-in. You need to get them to see why controlli8ng screen usage and getting enough sleep matters. Maybe I am lucky, but we have done that--I think by dictating less and conversing more. And I keep emphasizing that they need to be their own self-monitors more as they get older. We have one with ADHD too, and it is not easy. I get that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are micromanaging your 17 year old.

I don't know if he doesn't parent for if he is trying to balance out your over parenting.

It doesn't seem you are into finding something that works for both of you, your idea of compromise is he does it your way.

I never had a bedtime as a teen. I often started my homework at 10pm when I was 16-17. Was still successful in life. People are different and you have to be willing to work with them versus a my way or ultimatums.

I do this. Ironically, I’m the one that grew up in a very stable, happy home life with two parents. My husband grew up in a divorced family with single mom working two jobs left to his own devices. He never really saw a family function.

Unlike your husband, he is strict as hell and has an authoritarian-style of parenting. His cousin stayed with us and nicknamed him “Captain No”.

I have strict boundaries on sleep/no phones at night (plug in on kitchen counter). But, my husband can be very controlling as in they can ha e 15-20 min of Xbox. We laugh at that since half the time it takes 5-10 min to get Fifa20 going. My boys are MS, straight A students that play competitive sports. They do chores. They are good kids. On days they don’t have practice I let them stay on the Xbox as long as they want...until Captain No comes home.

My husband has a tendency to think even the most minor things are “make or break”. He will go into battle mode over the smallest things. He is starting to see the light. I always joke with him that parents of the 70s/80s did not get worked up over some of this minor sh@t. He is a person that always has to be doing/accomplishing something. It’s hard to get him to relax on weekends.

I definitely do the bolded—-balance out the extreme. However, I agree that not setting those sleep boundaries is plain awful.

[Anonymous]

^ I want to add the op above my post sounds exactly how my husband was raised. He had to be extremely driven to make it out of his hometown with an alcoholic dad, single family household. That’s why he can be so hard on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you said in the title your DH wasn't parenting, but when I read your post he does want to parent in a way that's different from yours. You blame his mother, then you blame him. You are upset that your daughter was studying late for an exam, but she wasn't actually taking the exam the next day because you scheduled a dentist appt over it (which is not setting your dd up for success).

I have teens and I find that suggesting and negotiating and talking about expectations goes a lot farther than an iron fist. I can't imagine telling my 16yo when to go to bed because I agree with the pp who said that they have to figure it out soon enough.

I hope you'll examine your own behavior and discontent, and maybe you'll find with some change that your family will react more positively.

Op here . Historically DH doesn't parent - he's a lawnmower dad with anxiety and fear of discontent. He comes to their rescue whenever there's a struggle. He smooths things out for both of them. He does things they should do themselves like he'll get up and get them a snack because they are too lazy to get it themselves. He'll look for their phone/laptop charger they can't find while while play on their phone. It's maddening.

DD1 actually wasn't studying when I came downstairs after 11 pm. She had her phone and was watching a movie or tv show. That's why I was mad. IF she was studying, I would have asked her if she needed any help.

DD has extra time on exams due to executive function deficits. She took part one on Friday. She was suppose to take part two after school today. She scheduled her dentist appointment herself several months ago. The appointment is right after school. I told her to call the dentist before they closed Friday afternoon when she knew she needed extra time on the test, but she "forgot."
She has said not to make her appointments because I don't know her schedule, so I had nothing to do with this appointment time.

Frankly OP, if I was your husband I'd pack my bags and leave you. I'm sure if we does have anxiety you are just making it worse because I'm guessing you are walking around the house screaming at everyone all the time. And, it seems like YOU are the lawnmower here by trying to dictate bedtimes, etc. Your DD is 17 and like many PPers have said, what are you going to do when she's in college, call the RA and tell them to go down the hall and say "Larla - your mommy said it's your bedtime, I need your phone and iPad." I really hope you are seeing a therapist OP and working on some of your control and anger issues. Otherwise, you are going to end up alone with your whole family hating you.

[Anonymous]

You guys are being really mean to the op. Her kid was getting FOUR hours of sleep a night when left to her own devices. That lack of sleep can be truly damaging to anyone’s brain, let alone one that still needs to grow, get through school and get a job. Clearly the “let her make her own mistakes and learn from them” method wasn’t working. Kids don’t always make the best decisions. Sounds like her dh wants to be a friend to the teens instead of a parent. Sorry, but I’m team op. If she and her dh were on the same page, maybe things wouldn’t have gotten so extreme on either end, but I don’t see the op as the shrew you all are making her out to be.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to focus more on your kids and less on your DH.

For DH, just get him to agree that if kids ask him about bedtime or screen time, he will send them to you.

You do not need extra punishments/consequences. You need bedtime and screen time rules (with DD's buy in) that you can enforce initially, making punishments/consequences unnecessary. For example, afterschool to after dinner, kids are left to their own devices to decide what to do with their time (and with their devices). After dinner, phones to you/in a specific place in the house so that they can get done whatever it is they need to get done (homework/shower/chores/whatever). If they are done with whatever it is they need to do, they may have their device back until whatever time you've decided (together) is "bedtime." As of "bedtime" - no screens. If they still need to study/do homework or want to read or do some other non-screen activity, fine, they can decide when to actually go to sleep.

If they have their phone when they're not supposed to, you take it right then and don't worry about adding on an additional consequence that DH would have to help enforce. Just enforce the rule in the moment. Remind child that they agreed to these rules because they agree that it's important not to overload on screen time and to take care of other things in their life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to focus more on your kids and less on your DH.

For DH, just get him to agree that if kids ask him about bedtime or screen time, he will send them to you.

You do not need extra punishments/consequences. You need bedtime and screen time rules (with DD's buy in) that you can enforce initially, making punishments/consequences unnecessary. For example, afterschool to after dinner, kids are left to their own devices to decide what to do with their time (and with their devices). After dinner, phones to you/in a specific place in the house so that they can get done whatever it is they need to get done (homework/shower/chores/whatever). If they are done with whatever it is they need to do, they may have their device back until whatever time you've decided (together) is "bedtime." As of "bedtime" - no screens. If they still need to study/do homework or want to read or do some other non-screen activity, fine, they can decide when to actually go to sleep.

If they have their phone when they're not supposed to, you take it right then and don't worry about adding on an additional consequence that DH would have to help enforce. Just enforce the rule in the moment. Remind child that they agreed to these rules because they agree that it's important not to overload on screen time and to take care of other things in their life.

I think this is a reasonable approach. Don't get in a battle. Be matter of fact. I would also ask DD why she got distracted by Netflix and ask her to help come up with a solution (if she even sees it as a problem). Ask her to help solve the problem. You can ask her probing questions but, you can't control her at this age.