How do you parent with a husband who won't?

[Anonymous]

I have two DDs 17 and 14. DH grew up with a single mom who between work and going to school at night, never parented so DH does not have any parent role models. I was an elementary teacher who believes in setting clear rules with consequences and understood the need to be consistent yet reasonable.

It has been a constant battle to get him to enforce rules and consequences. After rules have been broken and consequences need to be experienced, (phone or car taken away for the day, for example,) he has always jumped in and taught our DDs that they can whine, complain and throw a temper tantrum and he will "let them earn their privilege back" by doing something like emptying the dish washer.


DH has never supported putting limits on phone and computer time nor helping with time management. (He believes in "letting them figure out their bedtime." This has lead to my 17 year old with executive functioning issues get 4-5 hours of sleep a night. No screen time rules mean DD2 spent all yesterday on the computer and phone and DD 1 started studying for her AP physics test at 10 pm last night.)

I have been battling for several years for DH to support a limited number of hours spent with screens and where they are allowed in the house.

Finally after i packed my bag and drove off to a hotel a few weeks ago to get his attention about how done I am fighting for support, he is starting to see my frustration.

We have discussed the following - no screens upstairs. This means laptops and phones. School computers which have limited access to websites can be used in the bedroom for homework.
Phones are not allowed in the same room during homework time else the notifications makes a 30 minute assignment turn into 2 hours.

He is saying that I am unreasonable since DD1 was still at the computer at 11:15 last night watching youtube when her bedtime is 10:30. It then took her until after midnight to turn off her light. I discovered she had a home laptop in her room so I left her a note this morning explaining why took her phone that was charging in the kitchen away for the day.

DD1 was quite upset this morning with her phone taken away and DH texted me that on the day of a big physics test, I should have had a little compassion. I explained that she is missing her physics test for her dentist appointment and will take the test tomorrow. He then said I was too black and white and need to let up some. I also reminded him that i took away her PHONE - not her right arm as she missed bedtime by a significant amount of time due to her choosing to watch videos and having my laptop in her room at night!!

I told him if he was just consistent with enforcing reasonable rules, she would have "gotten it" a long time ago.

Yes, we are in therapy and the counselor is helping him but when his DDs suffer "pain," he rushes into smoothing everything over for them. He then digs in that I am setting unreasonable expectations.

Anyone else have a lawnmower parent to won't parent by influences behavior?

[Anonymous]

When you are setting up the rules, are you also setting up the consequences for rule breaking? Your kids are old enough that this should be something of a collaborative effort. And I do believe that you're being pretty black and white about some things, like bed time. DD1 is about to head off to college, and you're fighting with her about going to bed on time? As long as she gets off to school on time, her time should be hers to manage.

[Anonymous]

Does your DH have ADHD too? That could explain a lot.

[Anonymous]

How did you make it through their early childhoods without working this out?

Do you think that your DH suffered for his mother's lack of supervision? I mean, you married him, so presumably you think he turned out ok?

You can't just expect your DH to do things your way. You have to listen to each other and come up with something that he's truly also on board with. It's not going to be all the rules and consequences you want all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you are setting up the rules, are you also setting up the consequences for rule breaking? Your kids are old enough that this should be something of a collaborative effort. And I do believe that you're being pretty black and white about some things, like bed time. DD1 is about to head off to college, and you're fighting with her about going to bed on time? As long as she gets off to school on time, her time should be hers to manage.

Yes, we had a family meeting where we all agreed on the rules. We talked about the problems and brainstormed consequences. It was clear and it's even posted on the cork-board in the kitchen.

FOr eyars, DD1 was left to set her own bedtime but it led to her going to bed at 1 or 2 am and getting up at 6 for school. This then led to brain fog and exhaustion. She does not do self-care well. SHe will run herself down until she gets sick - not a good thing when she goes off to college. I was annoyed last night that she was watching videos and "lost track of time." I have worked extensively on setting alarms, making a plan to get things done in a reasonable amount of time essentially helping her put strategies into place to overcome executive function weakness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you are setting up the rules, are you also setting up the consequences for rule breaking? Your kids are old enough that this should be something of a collaborative effort. And I do believe that you're being pretty black and white about some things, like bed time. DD1 is about to head off to college, and you're fighting with her about going to bed on time? As long as she gets off to school on time, her time should be hers to manage.

Yes, we had a family meeting where we all agreed on the rules. We talked about the problems and brainstormed consequences. It was clear and it's even posted on the cork-board in the kitchen.

FOr eyars, DD1 was left to set her own bedtime but it led to her going to bed at 1 or 2 am and getting up at 6 for school. This then led to brain fog and exhaustion. She does not do self-care well. SHe will run herself down until she gets sick - not a good thing when she goes off to college. I was annoyed last night that she was watching videos and "lost track of time." I have worked extensively on setting alarms, making a plan to get things done in a reasonable amount of time essentially helping her put strategies into place to overcome executive function weakness.

You do realize that in college she is going to do whatever she wants? I understand wanting to set rules and work on good habits, but it sounds like you think that it’s your way or the highway and your husband is only there to enforce *your* rules. Where’s the collaboration in that? That’s not being a team - that’s just expecting him to do things your way which he has made it clear he doesn’t agree with. If there were compromise, he wouldn’t have anything to undermine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you are setting up the rules, are you also setting up the consequences for rule breaking? Your kids are old enough that this should be something of a collaborative effort. And I do believe that you're being pretty black and white about some things, like bed time. DD1 is about to head off to college, and you're fighting with her about going to bed on time? As long as she gets off to school on time, her time should be hers to manage.

Yes, we had a family meeting where we all agreed on the rules. We talked about the problems and brainstormed consequences. It was clear and it's even posted on the cork-board in the kitchen.

FOr eyars, DD1 was left to set her own bedtime but it led to her going to bed at 1 or 2 am and getting up at 6 for school. This then led to brain fog and exhaustion. She does not do self-care well. SHe will run herself down until she gets sick - not a good thing when she goes off to college. I was annoyed last night that she was watching videos and "lost track of time." I have worked extensively on setting alarms, making a plan to get things done in a reasonable amount of time essentially helping her put strategies into place to overcome executive function weakness.

You do realize that in college she is going to do whatever she wants? I understand wanting to set rules and work on good habits, but it sounds like you think that it’s your way or the highway and your husband is only there to enforce *your* rules. Where’s the collaboration in that? That’s not being a team - that’s just expecting him to do things your way which he has made it clear he doesn’t agree with. If there were compromise, he wouldn’t have anything to undermine.

THe problem has been he doesn't want any rules, but we agreed on the ones that we felt were the most important in teaching them good habits. We both agreed to support the ones I mentioned previously. Trust me - I compromised A LOT - especially when it came to how much of a disaster they can keep their room (I gave up teaching them the purpose of a dresser and hangers. chores - they have WAAAAY fewer than I would have liked etc... (They are suppose take turns setting the table, but if they don't come to set the table before he is wanting to eat, he just does it for them. Now, they never set the table because they :just need a few minutes to finish whatever they are doing. See the pattern?

But help me - how would you suggest I compromise further?

[Anonymous]

You are micromanaging your 17 year old.

I don't know if he doesn't parent for if he is trying to balance out your over parenting.

It doesn't seem you are into finding something that works for both of you, your idea of compromise is he does it your way.

I never had a bedtime as a teen. I often started my homework at 10pm when I was 16-17. Was still successful in life. People are different and you have to be willing to work with them versus a my way or ultimatums.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you are setting up the rules, are you also setting up the consequences for rule breaking? Your kids are old enough that this should be something of a collaborative effort. And I do believe that you're being pretty black and white about some things, like bed time. DD1 is about to head off to college, and you're fighting with her about going to bed on time? As long as she gets off to school on time, her time should be hers to manage.

Yes, we had a family meeting where we all agreed on the rules. We talked about the problems and brainstormed consequences. It was clear and it's even posted on the cork-board in the kitchen.

FOr eyars, DD1 was left to set her own bedtime but it led to her going to bed at 1 or 2 am and getting up at 6 for school. This then led to brain fog and exhaustion. She does not do self-care well. SHe will run herself down until she gets sick - not a good thing when she goes off to college. I was annoyed last night that she was watching videos and "lost track of time." I have worked extensively on setting alarms, making a plan to get things done in a reasonable amount of time essentially helping her put strategies into place to overcome executive function weakness.

You do realize that in college she is going to do whatever she wants? I understand wanting to set rules and work on good habits, but it sounds like you think that it’s your way or the highway and your husband is only there to enforce *your* rules. Where’s the collaboration in that? That’s not being a team - that’s just expecting him to do things your way which he has made it clear he doesn’t agree with. If there were compromise, he wouldn’t have anything to undermine.

THe problem has been he doesn't want any rules, but we agreed on the ones that we felt were the most important in teaching them good habits. We both agreed to support the ones I mentioned previously. Trust me - I compromised A LOT - especially when it came to how much of a disaster they can keep their room (I gave up teaching them the purpose of a dresser and hangers. chores - they have WAAAAY fewer than I would have liked etc... (They are suppose take turns setting the table, but if they don't come to set the table before he is wanting to eat, he just does it for them. Now, they never set the table because they :just need a few minutes to finish whatever they are doing. See the pattern?

But help me - how would you suggest I compromise further?

I am completely on your side here, but you have a 17 and 14 year old and a completely uncooperative husband. This sounds exhausting. Both kids are leaving the nest relatively soon. I would honestly focus on the the major major issues and back off the rest. Continue the hard line on the electronics and let the rest go. Are the kids getting good grades? Does 17 year old have a plan after graduation? Will she go to college? You can really only do so much.

With your husband, to the extent possible, remind him that you all have a family agreement on consequences - which means the whole family agreed in black and white. And I wouldn't engage further.

[Anonymous]

Do you have a job outside the home?

You sound exhausting!!

[Anonymous]

If you can't say it in a paragraph Op, you're making it too complicated.

[Anonymous]

This is a tough one, since you added in after your OP that you did all sit down as a family and make these rules together, and now only you are invested into actually following them.

I hate to say it, but this is only causing more stress, your kids are seeing you fight, you left and went to a hotel, they saw that...

You can’t force your husband to change his fundamental beliefs you stated: setting bedtime and screen time limits.

You just cant.

So in your case, I think some personal counseling to deal with the fact that you are going to have to cede control and go along with things you know are bad for your children (I agree w you completely and sounds perfectly reasonable to me).

I would suggest having another meeting and officially “ending” the rules and clarify it is become a worse situation since you started and that you and DH have decided together you won’t be enforcing these anymore. At least they can see their parents having a United front.

Good luck to you OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have a job outside the home?

You sound exhausting!!

Really?

She's setting screen-time and a reasonable bedtime. She said she let other things go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have a job outside the home?

You sound exhausting!!

Really?

She's setting screen-time and a reasonable bedtime. She said she let other things go.

The kids are 14 and 17, not 4 and 7. I don't disagree with setting limits on screen time, but in near adults? You've got to help them learn to do things for themselves, suffer consequences for poor choices, etc. while under your care, so they don't completely fall down when they're on their own. I mean, what's this 17 year old going to do when she goes to college, if she still needs mommy to tell her when to go to bed?

Whatever is going on in the household I don't think can be fixed by DH coming around to agreeing with OP on screen time and bed time.

[Anonymous]

OP you said in the title your DH wasn't parenting, but when I read your post he does want to parent in a way that's different from yours. You blame his mother, then you blame him. You are upset that your daughter was studying late for an exam, but she wasn't actually taking the exam the next day because you scheduled a dentist appt over it (which is not setting your dd up for success).

I have teens and I find that suggesting and negotiating and talking about expectations goes a lot farther than an iron fist. I can't imagine telling my 16yo when to go to bed because I agree with the pp who said that they have to figure it out soon enough.

I hope you'll examine your own behavior and discontent, and maybe you'll find with some change that your family will react more positively.