How to talk to husband about wanting a 3rd child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our kids are 2 and 5. We both work and barely keep our heads afloat. But, I know deep down I want a third kid. In 5 years, I see us sitting around the table as a family of 5. I know my husband is not going to be on board. He works a lot and travels a lot, and we are finally to a point where I can watch both kids by myself now comfortably. Any suggestions of 1) things to consider before talking to him and 2) how to have the conversation with him? Admittedly we aren't the best at communicating, but we are working on it.

You are barely keeping your heads afloat, it took you *two years* to be comfortable watching two kids by yourself . . . and you want to add another?

Seriously, reread that sentence, OP. Now do it again. Your DH has the right idea. Your Norman Rockwell visions of your family notwithstanding, your own words demonstrate you have no business adding to your family. Good grief.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These are the situations where third kids ruin a marriage
You have more than you can handle as it is, by the sound of it, and your marriage doesn't sound too solid either. Enjoy the family you have, work on your marriage. Don't add an innocent baby to the mix.

+100

If this is where you’re at after a second child, a third might break you.

I am the same type of overwhelmed personality — watching my three is fairly stressful, even though the youngest is now 3.5 — and I’m at present pregnant with number 4. Just because you find watching little kids to be intense doesn’t mean you are a bad mom. Maybe it means that you put in more energy than some others because you, I don’t know, care?

NP, but come on. Lose the judgment.

Also: it's called respecting your limits, especially when you know them. Nothing in the OP's post suggests that having a third child is a good idea in real life. Focusing on the distant future ignores the very hard work (and luck) it takes to get there, and especially to get there in a way that affords the happy family that's envisioned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait until your second child is older. Once you don't feel like you're barely surviving, it will be a much easier conversation. I didn't feel ready for a third until my second was 3 years old.

Meh. If she gets pregnant immediately, the baby won’t be born until the youngest is three. Pregnancy is not instantaneous.

Having huge gaps between kids can be difficult in other ways. They don’t play together, you’re stuck in the baby phase longer, etc.

Why the snark? I never implied pregnancy was instantaneous. Whatever you feel about large age gaps, that is a perfectly reasonable way to plan one’s family. If OP and her DH are currently overwhelmed, now might not be the right time but that doesn’t mean there will never be a right time.

I love having a 4 year gap between kids. YMMV

[Anonymous]

I don’t think OP’s vision of her family in 5 years is something to ignore. Most people over value the short-term in deciding whether to have kids. If you can get through the next 5 years somehow, then what you want your family to look like at years 5+ is more important...

[Anonymous]

Send the next 3 months saving and doing better than just treading water. Also spend that time getting beyond comfortable watching the two children you have. Maybe offer to watch someone's infant one day to get a glimpse of what three will be like. Then approach your husband.

Also picture all that you are doing now on less sleep, with a husband that you know is not wanting a third child. You know it is not what he wants, but he might do out of love for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think OP’s vision of her family in 5 years is something to ignore. Most people over value the short-term in deciding whether to have kids. If you can get through the next 5 years somehow, then what you want your family to look like at years 5+ is more important...

But as the parents of older kids have said, having three isn't necessarily easy five years from the newborn phase. Babies are challenging in their own way, tweens and teens in another. It's not just five years of hard work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think OP’s vision of her family in 5 years is something to ignore. Most people over value the short-term in deciding whether to have kids. If you can get through the next 5 years somehow, then what you want your family to look like at years 5+ is more important...

Yeah, if getting through that five years is disastrous, why should things magically change once they're over? You can't parent from a place of being completely overwhelmed for years (suggesting you may well be shortchanging your kids and yourself) and then expect everything to be hunky-dory on the other side. Chaos doesn't usually breed order, at least, not the healthy kind.

[Anonymous]

Hey- just be like my sister-in-law; go get pregnant at 43 after her husband has been adamant publicly for 3 years that he wanted no more kids Between the 2 of them, this will be the 5th kid, and there will be an almost 25 year age gap between the oldest and the youngest.

Sister in law got what she wanted, but it may cost her marriage in time. Are you willing to take a similar risk by having a 3rd?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey- just be like my sister-in-law; go get pregnant at 43 after her husband has been adamant publicly for 3 years that he wanted no more kids Between the 2 of them, this will be the 5th kid, and there will be an almost 25 year age gap between the oldest and the youngest.

Sister in law got what she wanted, but it may cost her marriage in time. Are you willing to take a similar risk by having a 3rd?

Did she “go get pregnant” all on her own? Your brother participated. His public proclamations and private acts don’t match.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, you don't even know how to have this convo with your husband, but you want a 3rd child with this person? You are ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think OP’s vision of her family in 5 years is something to ignore. Most people over value the short-term in deciding whether to have kids. If you can get through the next 5 years somehow, then what you want your family to look like at years 5+ is more important...

Yeah, if getting through that five years is disastrous, why should things magically change once they're over? You can't parent from a place of being completely overwhelmed for years (suggesting you may well be shortchanging your kids and yourself) and then expect everything to be hunky-dory on the other side. Chaos doesn't usually breed order, at least, not the healthy kind.

Not to mention those first five years of the children's lives are so important.

[Anonymous]

Curious if DH wanted to be married to a baby maker or actually wanted a wife and life partner. Sounds like a miserable life for your poor DH.

[Anonymous]

Even if the decision doesn't sink the marriage, I know families that had more kids than THEY could handle, and you can see the stress and strain in their home life. The family isn't thriving the way it would have been if they had fewer kids. I think the "everything will work out" mentality is really dangerous because of course you don't regret your kids once they're here (usually at least!), but that doesn't mean things aren't suffering and the decision worked out to be consequence free long-term.

[Anonymous]

OP, DCUM is very anti-natalist. Ignore the mean posters. It's totally natural to want more children and feel overwhelmed at the same time. Can you lead with acknowledging what his concerns might be and just tell him how you feel? That you feel like your plates are full and yet you have this yearning and want to know how he feels? I've learned that if you present it as a "how do you feel about it" versus "this is what I want," it's a better start. Good luck! Don't not have a baby because of some a-holes on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait until your second child is older. Once you don't feel like you're barely surviving, it will be a much easier conversation. I didn't feel ready for a third until my second was 3 years old.

Meh. If she gets pregnant immediately, the baby won’t be born until the youngest is three. Pregnancy is not instantaneous.

Having huge gaps between kids can be difficult in other ways. They don’t play together, you’re stuck in the baby phase longer, etc.

True, but I imagine there are also some benefits to having a big age gap. The oldest sibling will be independent and able to help with chores, and could eventually help babysit.