How to talk to husband about wanting a 3rd child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our kids are 2 and 5. We both work and barely keep our heads afloat. But, I know deep down I want a third kid. In 5 years, I see us sitting around the table as a family of 5. I know my husband is not going to be on board. He works a lot and travels a lot, and we are finally to a point where I can watch both kids by myself now comfortably. Any suggestions of 1) things to consider before talking to him and 2) how to have the conversation with him? Admittedly we aren't the best at communicating, but we are working on it.

This is a big red flag to me.

+1

I currently have an infant and a 2.5 year old and it’s way more exhausting and hard to juggle than I thought but I’m alone with both of them all the time and it’s not an issue. If it took you 2 years to figure out how to do this I don’t think adding another infant to the mix is for you.

[Anonymous]

Wait until your second child is older. Once you don't feel like you're barely surviving, it will be a much easier conversation. I didn't feel ready for a third until my second was 3 years old.

[Anonymous]

What if you have a 3rd and 30 years from now you're divorced and there is no happy dream of sitting at a table?

That's what happens when you are barely afloat and add a 3rd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What if you have a 3rd and 30 years from now you're divorced and there is no happy dream of sitting at a table?

That's what happens when you are barely afloat and add a 3rd.

Phrasing it as "What if you divorce?" always seems odd. When posters ask this, they apparently mean, "What if DH runs off?" It's never about the wife leaving.

[Anonymous]

Use the energy you want to put into a third kid to nurture your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What if you have a 3rd and 30 years from now you're divorced and there is no happy dream of sitting at a table?

That's what happens when you are barely afloat and add a 3rd.

And what if you divorce and your DH remarries and has a third kid with a new wife? How pissed are you going to be? Just have the 3 rd kid now. Insurance for the coming divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait until your second child is older. Once you don't feel like you're barely surviving, it will be a much easier conversation. I didn't feel ready for a third until my second was 3 years old.

Meh. If she gets pregnant immediately, the baby won’t be born until the youngest is three. Pregnancy is not instantaneous.

Having huge gaps between kids can be difficult in other ways. They don’t play together, you’re stuck in the baby phase longer, etc.

[Anonymous]

Simply ask him. If he absolutely says no way, that's it. Don't think about what you could have. Think about what you currently have and focus on that. And if you are tired now, it doesn't get any easier. As the kids get older, the communication increases although you physically watch them less.

[Anonymous]

I don't think a 3rd kid is necessarily the right option for you given that you "barely keep your heads afloat." I mean this kindly because I understand the desire, but you need to be realistic about what your family situation can handle.

My three kids are older now (oldest is in middle school) and it can be intense because even though they take care of themselves in a way young children can't, their issues (social pressures, academic challenges, internet/digital use) are more complex and the extracurriculars are a lot to juggle (conflicting sports practices, only two parents for three kids' activities for example). Add to that a husband who travels and two busy working parent schedules and that's a recipe for getting overwhelmed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you have a 3rd and 30 years from now you're divorced and there is no happy dream of sitting at a table?

That's what happens when you are barely afloat and add a 3rd.

Phrasing it as "What if you divorce?" always seems odd. When posters ask this, they apparently mean, "What if DH runs off?" It's never about the wife leaving.

In this case, the way the OP phrased the initial post implies that the DH does not want a third child and that the financial burden will make what sounds like a challenging situation for this family, more challenging. That is something that can easily lead to marital tensions and divorce. And it would likely be the DH who was not interested in a third child that his wife really wanted who leaves.

The OP wants a third kid for some dream family situation after acknowledging that things are tight financially, they struggle to maintain schedules/house/life with two kids, and that DH's work takes him away from home a lot. It does not sound like the OP is in a place where she can stay at home with the younger kids to make this work which means at least 2 kids in day care at the same time. So the scheduling issues of three kids on a tight budget with an additional financial burden of an infant in day care and all the associated costs. And that is assuming that it is a healthy pregnancy and birth and that there are no complications.

And the DH is at least on the fence if not in the "No" category.

This reads as a recipe for a bad decision that can sink a marriage.

The OP needs to have the conversation with DH, otherwise there will be regrets on her part, but needs to be able to see things from DH's perspective if the answer is no. She should be prepared to present to him how she thinks they can handle it in terms of time, schedule, and finances and not just "I see five of us sitting at the table."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These are the situations where third kids ruin a marriage
You have more than you can handle as it is, by the sound of it, and your marriage doesn't sound too solid either. Enjoy the family you have, work on your marriage. Don't add an innocent baby to the mix.

+100

If this is where you’re at after a second child, a third might break you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These are the situations where third kids ruin a marriage
You have more than you can handle as it is, by the sound of it, and your marriage doesn't sound too solid either. Enjoy the family you have, work on your marriage. Don't add an innocent baby to the mix.

+100

If this is where you’re at after a second child, a third might break you.

I am the same type of overwhelmed personality — watching my three is fairly stressful, even though the youngest is now 3.5 — and I’m at present pregnant with number 4. Just because you find watching little kids to be intense doesn’t mean you are a bad mom. Maybe it means that you put in more energy than some others because you, I don’t know, care?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you have a 3rd and 30 years from now you're divorced and there is no happy dream of sitting at a table?

That's what happens when you are barely afloat and add a 3rd.

Phrasing it as "What if you divorce?" always seems odd. When posters ask this, they apparently mean, "What if DH runs off?" It's never about the wife leaving.

In this case, the way the OP phrased the initial post implies that the DH does not want a third child and that the financial burden will make what sounds like a challenging situation for this family, more challenging. That is something that can easily lead to marital tensions and divorce. And it would likely be the DH who was not interested in a third child that his wife really wanted who leaves.

The OP wants a third kid for some dream family situation after acknowledging that things are tight financially, they struggle to maintain schedules/house/life with two kids, and that DH's work takes him away from home a lot. It does not sound like the OP is in a place where she can stay at home with the younger kids to make this work which means at least 2 kids in day care at the same time. So the scheduling issues of three kids on a tight budget with an additional financial burden of an infant in day care and all the associated costs. And that is assuming that it is a healthy pregnancy and birth and that there are no complications.

And the DH is at least on the fence if not in the "No" category.

This reads as a recipe for a bad decision that can sink a marriage.

The OP needs to have the conversation with DH, otherwise there will be regrets on her part, but needs to be able to see things from DH's perspective if the answer is no. She should be prepared to present to him how she thinks they can handle it in terms of time, schedule, and finances and not just "I see five of us sitting at the table."

This is a wonderful, thoughtful response. Just because she biologically or hormonally wants another child at the dinner table doesn't make it a rational or smart decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you just now able to watch your current two kids on your own comfortably? My kids are the same ages and I SAH so I’ve been watching them both on my own for 2+ years and while it’s definitely challenging and even on good days I’d never describe it as easy, it is manageable.

Your answer to this question would likely influence my response to how to talk your husband into a third kid.

She mentioned in her OP that she also works outside the home and that her husband frequently travels. Having been in both positions I found trying to work full time and juggle two kids (to include picking them up on time from two different locations) while my spouse was traveling far more difficult than being a full time SAHM. Maybe you should be a little less quick to judge.

Yes but from her post it sounds like she can’t handle being alone w both kids at all. I’m sure it’s harder to work full time and I do know how hard it is when spouse is traveling but when she is with both kids shouldn’t be that difficult on its own.

but you don't know her kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you just now able to watch your current two kids on your own comfortably? My kids are the same ages and I SAH so I’ve been watching them both on my own for 2+ years and while it’s definitely challenging and even on good days I’d never describe it as easy, it is manageable.

Your answer to this question would likely influence my response to how to talk your husband into a third kid.

She mentioned in her OP that she also works outside the home and that her husband frequently travels. Having been in both positions I found trying to work full time and juggle two kids (to include picking them up on time from two different locations) while my spouse was traveling far more difficult than being a full time SAHM. Maybe you should be a little less quick to judge.

Yes but from her post it sounds like she can’t handle being alone w both kids at all. I’m sure it’s harder to work full time and I do know how hard it is when spouse is traveling but when she is with both kids shouldn’t be that difficult on its own.

but you don't know her kids.

But we know what she said that they just got the house under control with two kids. Her kids could be saints but Mom and Dad were struggling with running the household with the kids they have. The ability to run a house hold can be impacted by the kids behavior but even with well behaved kids you still have to balance day care, school, work schedules. Meals, activities, clothes, cleaning the house and all the other bit of taking care of your house. And all of that is exhausting for some people.

OP is the one who said that she struggled the last 2 years with the second child added to the picture and they just got things under control. The OP said that finances are tight with their family of four. So it really doesn't matter if we know her kids, we know that she struggled when the second kid was added. I would expect that a third child would make things more challenging and finances tighter.