What to do about Xmas with sister?

[Anonymous]

My mother won't come to us on Christmas. First, she'd have to fly, which won't happen. Also, she takes great pride in her Christmases. Like I said, we don't go out there every year, but she always hosts a big spread for friends and other family.

Thoughts:
A PP made a comment about me being too worried about what my sister says to other family members about me. Believe me, it's not that. I've been down that road, I know she says all sorts of crazy shit, but I also know that my extended family members think she's full of it.

Handling things with dignity is a BIG DEAL in my family. Yes, I know that it leads to having a wayward crazy amongst us; however, to the PP who asked why I stayed the day after she assaulted me, the answer is: so I wouldn't ruin my aunt's wedding.

That does basically make me and the rest of my family enablers. We know my sister is batshit crazy and we put up with her anyway, for the sake of trying to keep everything as normal as possible.

Finally, why should she be allowed to get away with this? Yes, it's an immature question. I guess I'm just very angry that I have to change my plans and pull my kids from the family Christmas because of my g.d. sister. I'm just tired of being the one who has to "fix" the problem all the time. So, yes, in some ways going and having an escape route, like a hotel, sounds better to me than missing out and having her ruin something once again.

Yes, I'm realizing it's a horribly dysfunctional family after all, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to spend time with all but her!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother won't come to us on Christmas. First, she'd have to fly, which won't happen. Also, she takes great pride in her Christmases. Like I said, we don't go out there every year, but she always hosts a big spread for friends and other family.

Thoughts:
A PP made a comment about me being too worried about what my sister says to other family members about me. Believe me, it's not that. I've been down that road, I know she says all sorts of crazy shit, but I also know that my extended family members think she's full of it.

Handling things with dignity is a BIG DEAL in my family. Yes, I know that it leads to having a wayward crazy amongst us; however, to the PP who asked why I stayed the day after she assaulted me, the answer is: so I wouldn't ruin my aunt's wedding.

That does basically make me and the rest of my family enablers. We know my sister is batshit crazy and we put up with her anyway, for the sake of trying to keep everything as normal as possible.

Finally, why should she be allowed to get away with this? Yes, it's an immature question. I guess I'm just very angry that I have to change my plans and pull my kids from the family Christmas because of my g.d. sister. I'm just tired of being the one who has to "fix" the problem all the time. So, yes, in some ways going and having an escape route, like a hotel, sounds better to me than missing out and having her ruin something once again.

Yes, I'm realizing it's a horribly dysfunctional family after all, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to spend time with all but her!

OK, I just re-read this and realized that if my best friend wrote this, I'd be very worried about her. I'll talk to my DH about cancelling the plans - I don't know how I'm going to deal with my mother, but one thing at a time I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother won't come to us on Christmas. First, she'd have to fly, which won't happen. Also, she takes great pride in her Christmases. Like I said, we don't go out there every year, but she always hosts a big spread for friends and other family.

Thoughts:
A PP made a comment about me being too worried about what my sister says to other family members about me. Believe me, it's not that. I've been down that road, I know she says all sorts of crazy shit, but I also know that my extended family members think she's full of it.

Handling things with dignity is a BIG DEAL in my family. Yes, I know that it leads to having a wayward crazy amongst us; however, to the PP who asked why I stayed the day after she assaulted me, the answer is: so I wouldn't ruin my aunt's wedding.

That does basically make me and the rest of my family enablers. We know my sister is batshit crazy and we put up with her anyway, for the sake of trying to keep everything as normal as possible.

Finally, why should she be allowed to get away with this? Yes, it's an immature question. I guess I'm just very angry that I have to change my plans and pull my kids from the family Christmas because of my g.d. sister. I'm just tired of being the one who has to "fix" the problem all the time. So, yes, in some ways going and having an escape route, like a hotel, sounds better to me than missing out and having her ruin something once again.

Yes, I'm realizing it's a horribly dysfunctional family after all, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to spend time with all but her!

Don't you see that keeping your plans to go at Christmas is just more of you "fixing" the problem. Just pretend that she didn't beat your ass the last time you saw her and spend Christmas together! Your family is screwed and you are teaching your dc's to continue the dysfunction.

[Anonymous]

I'm proud of you. You are coming out from under the fog. The reality is that your mom should 100% supportive of you not wanting to be in the same room as your sister. If she gives you grief for not coming, she puts appearances over protecting you and your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother won't come to us on Christmas. First, she'd have to fly, which won't happen. Also, she takes great pride in her Christmases. Like I said, we don't go out there every year, but she always hosts a big spread for friends and other family.

Thoughts:
A PP made a comment about me being too worried about what my sister says to other family members about me. Believe me, it's not that. I've been down that road, I know she says all sorts of crazy shit, but I also know that my extended family members think she's full of it.

Handling things with dignity is a BIG DEAL in my family. Yes, I know that it leads to having a wayward crazy amongst us; however, to the PP who asked why I stayed the day after she assaulted me, the answer is: so I wouldn't ruin my aunt's wedding.

That does basically make me and the rest of my family enablers. We know my sister is batshit crazy and we put up with her anyway, for the sake of trying to keep everything as normal as possible.

Finally, why should she be allowed to get away with this? Yes, it's an immature question. I guess I'm just very angry that I have to change my plans and pull my kids from the family Christmas because of my g.d. sister. I'm just tired of being the one who has to "fix" the problem all the time. So, yes, in some ways going and having an escape route, like a hotel, sounds better to me than missing out and having her ruin something once again.

Yes, I'm realizing it's a horribly dysfunctional family after all, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to spend time with all but her!

OK, I just re-read this and realized that if my best friend wrote this, I'd be very worried about her. I'll talk to my DH about cancelling the plans - I don't know how I'm going to deal with my mother, but one thing at a time I guess.

Good for you OP.

And I hope you realize that your sister is the only one who ruined your aunt's wedding. Had you left it would have been a perfectly reasonable and dignified response.

It sounds like you are all making excuse upon excuse to rationalize why you have to put up with your sister and let her ruin your get togethers but the truth is that you don't.

Please seek therapy to deal with this. And read the book Life Skills for Adult Children.

[Anonymous]

I'd go and be ready to whoop my sisters a$$ if it came to that again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm proud of you. You are coming out from under the fog. The reality is that your mom should 100% supportive of you not wanting to be in the same room as your sister. If she gives you grief for not coming, she puts appearances over protecting you and your family.

Thank you. Mom is not going to be supportive of this decision. I anticipate that she will think I'm being selfish by putting my own needs in front of my kids' (remember-my kids know nothing about the big fight, so she won't view a visit as being harmful to them) and parents'. She sees my sister as sick and needy, so she will view this as an unrelentless and ungracious move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm proud of you. You are coming out from under the fog. The reality is that your mom should 100% supportive of you not wanting to be in the same room as your sister. If she gives you grief for not coming, she puts appearances over protecting you and your family.

Thank you. Mom is not going to be supportive of this decision. I anticipate that she will think I'm being selfish by putting my own needs in front of my kids' (remember-my kids know nothing about the big fight, so she won't view a visit as being harmful to them) and parents'. She sees my sister as sick and needy, so she will view this as an unrelentless and ungracious move.

If that is the case, your mom is putting the preferences of one of her children (and frankly, of herself for the desire for an instagramable holiday) above the PHYSICAL and emotional well being of another. Imagine if this were the case with your own two children, where would you fall?

Your mom bears some responsibility to you as well. You may be old and mature enough not to need it, but it doesn't make it any less wrong.

[Anonymous]

This is a physically and emotionally abusive situation. Why would you put your kids in the middle of it?

No. Just....no.

[Anonymous]

She physically assaulted you. How can you be around her unless she gets help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- not to be harsh, but your mom isn't the only enabler.

You're an adult going to hang out with another adult family member who physically assaulted you -- and you're bringing your kids.

My family is dysfunctional too and we had a lifelong alcoholic- there was an enabler/excuser and other family members provided emotional support for that person. It's an eff'd up family dynamic.

+100. Nailed it.

This.

[Anonymous]

Op: Believe it or not I was in a similar position. We were opening presents and my brothers dog (a Rottweiler) bit me. I shoved the dog off of me and gave it a slap. Of course that didn’t hurt the dog— a large Rottweiler.
However all h broke loose. Brother went crazy because I touched his dog. Big kurfuffle. Then later my mother drew me aside to let me know I was totally in the wrong for touching his dog without permission. (The dog BIT ME!) What a Christmas under the tree! Not as serious as what happened to you.
That was a turning point for me. My mother didn’t really care about my physical safety— her concern as always was attracting her favorite son to the home and nothing else was really important to her. In a way I blamed my mother more. There’s no real changing my brother as he knew mom would take his side no matter what.
After that I kept the boundaries up. I still visited for Christmas but I kept it short.
Would I expose my kids to this? No way. Remember that this shows a profound disrespect for you. You were attacked by an alcoholic in a drunken rage. You are supposed to “keep your dignity “ ie suck it up. Is that the role you want to show your kids?
Of course you shouldn’t have said what you said as that lit the fire. But if the family thinks that it is OK to attack you physically or even emotionally that sounds pretty bad.
I know this is very hard as your sister “wins the family love” But is that an OK trade for you?
I suggest in the kindest possible way talking this dynamic out with a therapist. It’s a very twisted situation.

[Anonymous]

I gave the following response a few days ago to a different poster. Is your sister abusive to a cop that pulls her over for speeding? Does your sister scream at her boss or anyone in authority? If not, she KNOWS how to control herself. She chooses not to control herself around you.

You have a lot of excuses from your mom not willing to fly to your DH who won't want to pay for a hotel. Stand up for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your sister is a volatile, abusive, alcoholic psychopath. No, I would not let my kids be near her, ever! EVER.

Skip this year, tell your kids your sis has problems and you don't want to be around her. Or whatever is age appropriate to tell them. Make Christmas at your house fun and special this year.

Get therapy. Your family sounds like it has really unhealthy boundaries with each other. You might start by exploring why you acted like nothing happened the next day when you should have left ASAP. That's not something you want to model for your kids either - taking abuse from someone just to save face.

THIS. OP did this because she knows that basically what happened is OK with mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I gave the following response a few days ago to a different poster. Is your sister abusive to a cop that pulls her over for speeding? Does your sister scream at her boss or anyone in authority? If not, she KNOWS how to control herself. She chooses not to control herself around you.

You have a lot of excuses from your mom not willing to fly to your DH who won't want to pay for a hotel. Stand up for yourself.

She’s trying to push OP out of the family.