What to do about Xmas with sister?

[Anonymous]

OP back again - I appreciate all of the replies. They've given me something to think about. Honestly, I've never considered my family to be dysfunctional. My sister suffers from severe anxiety, depression, and yes, she is a functional alcoholic. So I've always considered HER to be dysfunctional - not US. But I see now I may have been deluding myself.

When my parents and my family are together we have a great time. We are often with the cousins, as Sister will use our visit as a chance to leave cousins with my mom for "bonding", but that is usually a good thing. We all get along well and enjoy doing things together.

When Sister comes along, sometimes things continue to go well but you can never anticipate a pothole, so to speak.

I am completely torn between the "self-respect" aspect of this and the maintaining of a good relationship with my parents. Yes, they often choose her side, but they see it as she can't help herself whereas I can. They do say she has issues and they have encouraged her to get help, but when she refuses, nothing happens. Like I said, my mother needs Sister (and nieces) in her life.

I'm leaning towards going (anyone else but my parents in this mix would have me cutting them all off without question, but I cannot bring myself to do it with them so yes, I guess I'm a doormat with regards to them) and explaining to my mother that I will have no contact with Sister except for Christmas Day. I can stay close to DH and my kids. Making this sort of demand will certainly ruin the dynamic as Mom and Dad tend to like big family outings (as do all the kids!), but it's either this or staying home. I think I would break my mother's (and my kids') heart if I cancelled. Plus, I feel exceptionally selfish doing so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why aren’t you staying at a hotel, OP??

Staying at my parents' place usually isn't an issue. Sister and her kids live in another house a mile away. They have somewhere else to be. My parents have a pool and things for my kids to do - very hotel like place. Part of the fun is coffee in the morning with my mom and late night on the deck with my dad. Sister is the one who doesn't have to be there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't go. Your sister is clearly disordered and is the type that has no problem calling others out but when you retaliate and hold up the mirror, she really loses her sh*t. BTDT. There is no co-existing with such a person and if she weren't your sister, I am certain you would cut her off without hesitation. I would offer to meet up with your parents at a neutral location, somewhere within driving distance from their home due to your mom's fears, and make it clear your sister is not to be invited.

This is an interesting compromise. I might float this to DH and my parents to get their thoughts. I know DH doesn't want to have to spend any more money, but it may be something that has to be done in this case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not go. Tell your parents that due to physical and emotional abuse you do not want to be around your sister. Invite them to spend time with you either before or after the holiday.

+1

And offer to pay for their flights. I would rather disappoint my kids on Christmas than have them witness domestic violence and their mom being assaulted.

[Anonymous]

Your sister is a volatile, abusive, alcoholic psychopath. No, I would not let my kids be near her, ever! EVER.

Skip this year, tell your kids your sis has problems and you don't want to be around her. Or whatever is age appropriate to tell them. Make Christmas at your house fun and special this year.

Get therapy. Your family sounds like it has really unhealthy boundaries with each other. You might start by exploring why you acted like nothing happened the next day when you should have left ASAP. That's not something you want to model for your kids either - taking abuse from someone just to save face.

[Anonymous]

If you go, yes, stay in a hotel. But the next time she comes at you, punch her out properly. She'll think twice about touching you after that.

[Anonymous]

You stay in a hotel so that you have somewhere safe to retreat to should things start to go south.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not go. Tell your parents that due to physical and emotional abuse you do not want to be around your sister. Invite them to spend time with you either before or after the holiday.

+1

And offer to pay for their flights. I would rather disappoint my kids on Christmas than have them witness domestic violence and their mom being assaulted.

OP, if no concern for you own physical well being, consider how this would affect your children if your sister screamed and assaulted you in front of them. She sounds unbalanced and would think nothing of attacking you, verbally or physically, in front of the children. Find you inner mama bear and protect your children, even if you don't have the same instincts for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would probably go and do as your DH suggests to ignore her (google "Gray Rock") and at some point have a conversation with your mother where you work out if it will be possible to visit in the future and not see your sister. If it's not possible at all (and I'm not talking about holidays, just a visit to the grandparents), then make it clear to your mom that you may not be coming back because of the constant abuse. I also would try to stick close to your husband if at all possible - I know that my sister who I have issues with behaves much better if my DH is around.

A best case scenario may be if you can visit in the future at some point (school vacation?) and your parents can facilitate getting the cousins together without your sister being a part of it.

Ignoring is risky with someone so clearly abusive and manipulative, and who has OP in her crosshairs. It could even make it worse - might piss her off even more to be ignored and she might up the ante.

Anyway OP won't be able to ignore because she's worried about what sister is saying to the rest of the family behind her back.

[Anonymous]

Having the police show up at Christmas would be a lasting memory for the cousins. Even more fun when they get those delightful assignments at school to write about their holidays.

[Anonymous]

You need to drink less and spend less time around your sister. WTF? Why would you go?

"Hi Mom, Although we're sad to miss haviing the kids at your place for Christmas, I'm sure you understand why we can't be in an unsafe environment. Let's plan to get together soon - maybe you can come out here."

[Anonymous]

OP- not to be harsh, but your mom isn't the only enabler.

You're an adult going to hang out with another adult family member who physically assaulted you -- and you're bringing your kids.

My family is dysfunctional too and we had a lifelong alcoholic- there was an enabler/excuser and other family members provided emotional support for that person. It's an eff'd up family dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why aren’t you staying at a hotel, OP??

Staying at my parents' place usually isn't an issue. Sister and her kids live in another house a mile away. They have somewhere else to be. My parents have a pool and things for my kids to do - very hotel like place. Part of the fun is coffee in the morning with my mom and late night on the deck with my dad. Sister is the one who doesn't have to be there.

It’s an issue now that your sister has attacked you. She can easily gain entry into the house even without a key. You’re not safe there anymore.

[Anonymous]

This is hard to hear but: your mother (and father most likely) are part of the problem. In fact, they are an integral part of the problem. It's much easier to lay this blame on your aggressive, mean sister, but she didn't get their without help.

My DH's sister shares some traits with your sister. Not quite as extreme (she'd never attack anyone) but she certainly harbors some deep resentment that my DH built a happy life while she is stuck co-dependent on her enabling parents. Whenever sister attempts to be independent, MIL sucks her back in. And then MIL complains loudly about how much she does for her ungrateful daughter.

Your mother should not even be asking you to be in the same room as your sister who physically ATTACKED YOU. That is not something that's fair to ask of you. She should know that, and she should be protecting you. She won't, because she's also co-dependent on your sister.

Op, may I suggest a good therapist? I'd cancel Christmas, make alternate fun plans for your kids, and nix any visiting until you have a better handle on how to protect yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- not to be harsh, but your mom isn't the only enabler.

You're an adult going to hang out with another adult family member who physically assaulted you -- and you're bringing your kids.

My family is dysfunctional too and we had a lifelong alcoholic- there was an enabler/excuser and other family members provided emotional support for that person. It's an eff'd up family dynamic.

+100. Nailed it.