What to do about Xmas with sister?

[Anonymous]

My sister and I have always had a very weird relationship. From childhood forward, she has harbored a lot of resentment towards me and she is easily enraged over the smallest issues. She felt I was always treated as the golden child and that I am a mean and hurtful person who has never deserved anything I've "earned." Now, as adults, it's become even worse. I am living the life I set out to live: I have a wonderful husband and family, work part-time at a job I really enjoy and is meaningful, and we live a UMC lifestyle. She is divorced and was forced to move closer to my parents for help. She has a job, but admittedly, it doesn't pay a lot so my parents subsidize her entire life and, really, are in no position to do so. My mother even takes my nieces to and from school every day so they don't have to ride what my sister calls, the "horrible bus," even though I know my mom would rather not have to schedule her entire day around two different schools.

To keep our family get-togethers as peaceful as possible, I have always had to (ok - try to)suck up passive aggressive and mean comments, endure being yelled at or complained about, and stay cool when she's decided I've done something completely horrible and rages at me. Needless to say, I'm not always good at the latter. Recently, we were all together for a family event. After the event ended (and everyone, including me and my sister) had over-served themselves at the open bar, my sister finally let loose. It was just me, my sister, and my mom sitting around the living room and Sister went off. She accused me of horrible things and of being a horrible person. She asserted that I cheated throughout undergrad and grad school to receive my professional credentials. She stated that everyone in the family hates me and that I make everybody's life miserable. I stood there as she was screaming at me approximately 6 inches from my face. I told her to "F...off" and that I was going to head to bed. She lunged at me with a fist. I told her if she did that again, I was calling the police - then (and I know this is where I messed up) I accused her of using our poor parents and robbing them of their peaceful and financially sound retirement. I reminded her that none of us get where we are without help, but I earned my life through scholarships and hard work while she waited for hand outs. Then I turned to go up the stairs. Well, that did it...she physically attacked me and started choking me. It was awful. I was trying to fight back, but she is definitely stronger than I am and only had some luck kicking at her. My poor mother was yelling at her to stop. I finally kicked her hard enough that she got off of me and yanked out a handful of my hair in the process.

I cannot tell you how horrified and angry I was. I escaped to my room while my mother tried desperately to calm my sister down. Sister continued to scream horrible things at me from downstairs for the next hour! Finally, my mother gave her a credit card and told her to check herself in to a hotel(!).

The next day we had to get together with extended family again and, for the sake of my husband, kids, and reputation, I tried to act as though nothing happened. Sister couldn't do it and ignored me all day while making passive aggressive comments about me to my cousins and aunts.

So with all that detail-- we are supposed to go back out there for Christmas. The plans were made and tickets were bought before this last family debacle. My parents are definitely looking forward to having us because they don't get to see my kids at Christmas too often. Obviously, Sister and her kids will be involved in all of the festivities since they live a mile from my parents and, frankly, she doesn't do anything that involves money without my parents being involved.

I don't want to rob my kids of Christmas with their grandparents and cousins. My kids know nothing about the fight, so it would be shocking for them to here that we are cancelling our travel plans that they are very much looking forward to. DH knows about the fight but thinks I should show up with my head held high and just ignore, ignore, ignore, ignore. He says that my parents are obviously aware that our behavior is bad when we are together and that they know it's her fault. Now, I'm not sure of that last part, but either way, I'm tired of trying to be the better person and having her scream in my face anyway. I want to just end the relationship forever, but I'm not sure that's even possible if I want to remain close to my parents.

WWYD?

[Anonymous]

It would be shocking for my kids to HEAR we were cancelling plans - not here. I don't want to have to deal with the typo police.

[Anonymous]

I would not go. My holidays/vacations/time off should not involve being abused and assaulted. I would invite your parents for New Years.

[Anonymous]

DO NOT GO!!!!!! Even if the plane tickets are non refundable. You can always buy your parents tickets here at another time since it sounds like they won't leave your sister at Christmas.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I know you PP's are right. I'm just afraid to lose my parents - especially my mother. She has a massive fear of flying and will never do it. We only see my parents when we go out to them. She and my sister have such an odd, co-dependent relationship. That is, although my mother knows that my sister is immature and that my mother's paying for everything enables my sister to continue the behavior, she will never cut her off. Taking care of my sister gives my mother purpose, even though she will complain about having to do it.

[Anonymous]

I would not go. Tell your parents that due to physical and emotional abuse you do not want to be around your sister. Invite them to spend time with you either before or after the holiday.

[Anonymous]

JFC you're a doormat. I absolutely wouldn't go. I would also tell your mom that she needs to get over her fear of flying. You're not visiting her until she's visited you.

My sister and I struggle with pleasantries. We're just like oil and water. But, there's no assault and battery. My parents also don't abuse me by only taking her side. They visit us both equally.

[Anonymous]

Good grief - how could you even consider going there after she tried to CHOKE you and pulled out your hair?!? Not being snarky, but is your family used to violence during fights?

Unless there's some kind of precedent for this and your family is somehow ok with it (???), you should not go! I can't believe your husband would even want you to go (or would want to go himself)!

You can figure out other ways to connect your kids with your mother after the holidays. Do NOT allow yourself to be abused by your sister!!

[Anonymous]

If you do go, stay in a hotel.

I also wondered - due to your reference to partaking too much at an open bar and your description of your family's ongoing dynamics - whether alcoholism is an issue with your family of origin. If so, I suggest attending Al-Anon meetings to get support from other folks dealing with alcoholic relatives. You may have your life together but you need to learn new ways of interacting with your family. Good luck, OP! Hope things get better for you.

[Anonymous]

Don’t be alone with just your mom and sister. Leave the room when she goes off on you. Be the bigger person and do not engage with her.

[Anonymous]

I would probably go and do as your DH suggests to ignore her (google "Gray Rock") and at some point have a conversation with your mother where you work out if it will be possible to visit in the future and not see your sister. If it's not possible at all (and I'm not talking about holidays, just a visit to the grandparents), then make it clear to your mom that you may not be coming back because of the constant abuse. I also would try to stick close to your husband if at all possible - I know that my sister who I have issues with behaves much better if my DH is around.

A best case scenario may be if you can visit in the future at some point (school vacation?) and your parents can facilitate getting the cousins together without your sister being a part of it.

[Anonymous]

Please muster up some self respect and stay away this Christmas. Too much resentment has been shoved under the rug. The family is very dysfunctional--do you realize this? If your parents don't support your decision, then you know what side they have chosen.

[Anonymous]

If I went, I’d stay in a hotel with a nice pool and invite grandparents over for Christmas and a meal, then do my own thing otherwise. But...I’d be inclined not to go and to do something else instead (see about changing tickets or if there’s an amusement park or skiing or something else nearby, doing that.)

[Anonymous]

Why aren’t you staying at a hotel, OP??

[Anonymous]

Don't go. Your sister is clearly disordered and is the type that has no problem calling others out but when you retaliate and hold up the mirror, she really loses her sh*t. BTDT. There is no co-existing with such a person and if she weren't your sister, I am certain you would cut her off without hesitation. I would offer to meet up with your parents at a neutral location, somewhere within driving distance from their home due to your mom's fears, and make it clear your sister is not to be invited.