What to do about Xmas with sister?

[Anonymous]

Your sister is not a “wayward crazy.”

Everyone in this situation—most notably your mom, who superintended the original booze-fueled crackup and somehow expects everyone to show up again for a “dignified” Round 2–is a bit nutty.

Drop the rope.

[Anonymous]

If you do go,stay in a hotel. You don't need to subject your kids to that, and need a safer place to stay.

[Anonymous]

First things first. Take some self defense classes. Maybe kick boxing or tae-Kwan-Do. At least learn to do a sweep before you’re in the same room with your sister.

Or you could get a dog. Something like a German Shepherd that will stand guard and take her down.

[Anonymous]

I also have a volatile sister, but not to the extent you described. Last year, she punched me in the arm, and that was it. I haven't spoken to her since and I refuse to. Once it rises to the level of physical contact, I'm done. And you were choked, so that definitely crosses my line.

I would not go on this trip. In the future, if you want to see your parents, you make it clear you're visiting your parents, not her, or they come to see you. I would not put myself in a room with her again. If she shows up to a family event you were told she wasn't going to attend, I would leave. Make the decision and stick to it.

[Anonymous]

Stay at a hotel, let your kids stay at the house (will make kids, cousins and parents happy). Avoid being alone with sister, agree about going gray rock.

If need be, leave and go to the hotel with or without your kids. But this way you don't get blamed for ruining mom and dads Christmas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stay at a hotel, let your kids stay at the house (will make kids, cousins and parents happy). Avoid being alone with sister, agree about going gray rock.

If need be, leave and go to the hotel with or without your kids. But this way you don't get blamed for ruining mom and dads Christmas.

If it’s not safe for OP then her kids shouldn’t stay there either. And gray rock doesn’t apply for someone who physically assaults others. I would not go. I would rather be labeled a grinch than let myself be abused, or introduce my kids to the intergenerational family dynamics of alcoholism, enabling, and codependency. I’m sure it’s easier said than done, OP. But from an outsider’s perspective this is a black and white issue.

[Anonymous]

Some families cannot be together without an explosion. Yours is one of those, OP. Do not put your husband and children in the middle of it.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s interesting that after being assaulted you were expected to paper over it and then if you stay away you are ruining the Christmas vacation. Sure is a lot of blame on you. Very unhealthy situation.

[Anonymous]

Op if I was going for Christmas I would stay in a hotel go for Christmas and then have some outings with your mom and dad elsewhere while I was visiting like at the park or out to eat.

You were physically assaulted. You appear to think this is almost ok, like it's no big deal. You still want to stay in your parents house. I don't know what to tell you - you were assaulted and you want to continue going.

So go but don't come back complaining that your sister is nasty to you. At some point you have to stand up for yourself - if you stay at your parents house you have no control over if your sister comes or goes whereas at a hotel the kids can play in the pool and you can invite your parents to the hotel to brunch. Or you can swim at your parents but leave if your sister turns up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- not to be harsh, but your mom isn't the only enabler.

You're an adult going to hang out with another adult family member who physically assaulted you -- and you're bringing your kids.

My family is dysfunctional too and we had a lifelong alcoholic- there was an enabler/excuser and other family members provided emotional support for that person. It's an eff'd up family dynamic.

+100. Nailed it.

Op you haven't mentioned in-laws. How about Christmas with the in-laws this year. Or even a Christmas at home relaxing, making a huge feast.

This isn't small, your family is abusive. Your mother and father allow the abuse. For me I wouldn't be around my sister again unless she got help.

You are so worried about ruining Christmas for your parents but did they care when your sister assaulted you and ruined your last visit.

They want to pretend that everything is ok because it's too hard for them. They can't fix the problem and it's certainly not on you to fix. Visit your parents another time of year, stay in a hotel but if your sister turns up, leave.

[Anonymous]

I would cancel Christmas and plan a spring break trip within driving distance. I also think you and your mom should be in therapy separately (and give your therapists permission to speak to one another). There has to be a way to maintain a relationship with your mom without her (and you) continuing to enable her horrible behavior.