effects of (otherwise great) DH with temper issues on children

[Anonymous]

So classic.
He has you believing it's your fault and he's mister wonderful (if o ly you wouldn't upset him).
I'd like to feel sorry for you but you have a child in this mess.
Get out now.

[Anonymous]

This is one reason I never had children with my ex husband.
I was afraid my ex husband would go psycho yelling if
kid spilled his milk.

My ex husband's yelling was about once a week but it was
always irrationally out of control and yelling way more
than the situation warranted.

After about 8 years of this my personality was kind of crushed down kind of like a beaten dog.

I sometimes see women in the grocery store or discount store with a man that goes psycho yelling at the cashier
about something stupid. The woman accompanying the man generally has a crushed down personality like I used to.

My ex husband was a good guy but long term it was not
healthy for me

The intensity escalated over the years. I was never physically struck but was concerned about being hit about
year 8.

Riding in the car with my ex husband was the worst. HE
had severe road rage and would yell at me in an extreme
manner over someone on the road doing something very minor.

My personality really shut down after 8 years of this.

He ultimately wanted a divorce which ended up being
a good thing for me.

One month after he moved out I knew divorce was a
healthy move for me even though I did not initiate it.

I grew up in a home where my Dad yelled at Mom
maybe once or twice a year, generally at tax time.
I was not prepared for what I encountered in my
marriage.

[Anonymous]

I'm poster 21:03

I scanned other posts and one poster mentioned "walking
on eggshells" in the home. That is ultimately what my
life with my husband came to be....walking on eggshells.

It is no way to live a life.

[Anonymous]

Op,I don't think it is as dire as the responses you are getting. As you know if you read this board, there are many people on here who hate men and look for any possible thread where they can trash men to every extent possible. This is not a good place to come for reasonable advice about a relationship.

I would actually guess that only a few posters have posted repeatedly above as they often do that in threads where they can bash men.

Men aren't perfect, they express emotion and sometimes in unhealthy ways due to past issues, just like women do. That doesn't make them evil or abusive, nor does it mean you son will be scared for life.

You recognize there is a problem, you and he are both working on it. Talk to professionals about it for sure. They can also give you strategies and responses to minimize him getting any response to the yelling and how to point out to him in a way that he can hear that his temper is rising. You need someone who knows you both.

Anger is often one of the only emotions men have been allowed to express - everything else is seen as weak or feminine or socially unacceptable for a man. It takes time for those raised that way to learn how to identify the emotion they really feel and respond appropriately.

[Anonymous]

I watched Dr. Phil today and it was about a man who had hit his live-,in girlfriend and their screaming fights. Dr. Phil had a man who was Head if something in LA that had to do with abused women. He said that screaming affects a child's brain negatively way and damage is irreversible. You need to take a good look at what this man is doing to you and child.

[Anonymous]

Check your husband for Asperger's profile. The short fuses of a sort you described is typical. There might be more?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op,I don't think it is as dire as the responses you are getting. As you know if you read this board, there are many people on here who hate men and look for any possible thread where they can trash men to every extent possible. This is not a good place to come for reasonable advice about a relationship.

I would actually guess that only a few posters have posted repeatedly above as they often do that in threads where they can bash men.

Men aren't perfect, they express emotion and sometimes in unhealthy ways due to past issues, just like women do. That doesn't make them evil or abusive, nor does it mean you son will be scared for life.

You recognize there is a problem, you and he are both working on it. Talk to professionals about it for sure. They can also give you strategies and responses to minimize him getting any response to the yelling and how to point out to him in a way that he can hear that his temper is rising. You need someone who knows you both.

Anger is often one of the only emotions men have been allowed to express - everything else is seen as weak or feminine or socially unacceptable for a man. It takes time for those raised that way to learn how to identify the emotion they really feel and respond appropriately.

Telling OP that it's unhealthy to live in an environment where your partner blows up on a weekly basis is "hating" men?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op,I don't think it is as dire as the responses you are getting. As you know if you read this board, there are many people on here who hate men and look for any possible thread where they can trash men to every extent possible. This is not a good place to come for reasonable advice about a relationship.

I would actually guess that only a few posters have posted repeatedly above as they often do that in threads where they can bash men.

Men aren't perfect, they express emotion and sometimes in unhealthy ways due to past issues, just like women do. That doesn't make them evil or abusive, nor does it mean you son will be scared for life.

You recognize there is a problem, you and he are both working on it. Talk to professionals about it for sure. They can also give you strategies and responses to minimize him getting any response to the yelling and how to point out to him in a way that he can hear that his temper is rising. You need someone who knows you both.

Anger is often one of the only emotions men have been allowed to express - everything else is seen as weak or feminine or socially unacceptable for a man. It takes time for those raised that way to learn how to identify the emotion they really feel and respond appropriately.

Absolutely agree with all of this.

[Anonymous]

^ Try to make your sock puppetry a little less obvious.

Anonymous wrote:Op,I don't think it is as dire as the responses you are getting. As you know if you read this board, there are many people on here who hate men and look for any possible thread where they can trash men to every extent possible. This is not a good place to come for reasonable advice about a relationship.

I would actually guess that only a few posters have posted repeatedly above as they often do that in threads where they can bash men.

Men aren't perfect, they express emotion and sometimes in unhealthy ways due to past issues, just like women do. That doesn't make them evil or abusive, nor does it mean you son will be scared for life.

You recognize there is a problem, you and he are both working on it. Talk to professionals about it for sure. They can also give you strategies and responses to minimize him getting any response to the yelling and how to point out to him in a way that he can hear that his temper is rising. You need someone who knows you both.

Anger is often one of the only emotions men have been allowed to express - everything else is seen as weak or feminine or socially unacceptable for a man. It takes time for those raised that way to learn how to identify the emotion they really feel and respond appropriately.

Okay, MRAer...Look, some of actually just know what we're talking about. Move along, you're out of your league here.

[Anonymous]

The problem with "once a week" yelling is that you and DC will be suffering the anxiety of not knowing when that explosion is coming all week. And feeling traumatized for a few days after until it comes around again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is going to be an unpopular opinion, given what PPs have said, but I don't necessarily think this is going to scar your son for life if your DH is otherwise as great as you say, and if he gets better at controlling it. My dad had an explosive temper, but was otherwise great, and was never physical with any of us (though he could do things like punch walls). When he lost his temper you learned to hang back and stay away, but none of us were traumatized for life by this. I have no fear of conflict, problems with relationships, trouble communicating, etc. Love dad deeply and no conflicted feelings.

My dad definitely had anger management problems. BUT, some people are born more hot-blooded, emotional, and passionate, and they are prone to yell or show their emotions. To people who are low on the passion scale, very controlled, and not emotional, the other personality type makes no sense to them and seems dysfunctional. But to those of us who are more hot-blooded, it sounds weird to hear about people who NEVER yell, or have explosive emotions, or can feel rage or strong emotions - those are all natural, very human emotions.

If yelling is the worst your DH does, and he never hits anyone or anything, and he's getting help, and he's self-aware, then he's not so bad. (And let me guess- he's pretty amazing in bed, right?)

This description sounds like my FIL and DH, two truly wonderful men, husbands and fathers with explosive tempers (though my FIL has mellowed almost entirely with age). I think you paint too rosy of a picture though. Explosive rage is not really a normal or healthy way to deal with frustration, and I don’t think it happens because people are “hot blooded.” In my experience, it almost always stems from anxiety and a feeling of loss of control in people who very much value having control. People who give way to their temper like this never learned healthier ways of self expression.

In response to the OP, I was shocked and horrified by my DH’s outbursts in the early years of our marriage. He really could go from 0-60, full on Mr. Hyde as you describe, and we had lots of fights about it, particularly because he would claim it was my fault for making him so angry, which would lead to actually justified rage on my part. He refused to get counseling, in part because he though it was normal and fine having seen his dad do the same thing. I pretty much stopped tolerating it when the kids came along. I told him he was welcome to rave like a lunatic if he wanted to, but we weren’t going to be in the same room. I’d pick up the kids and move elsewhere until he was spent. If he challenged me, Id tell him he was being disrespectful to the whole family and that I’d engage when he could get control of himself.

He has occasionally unloaded on the kids as they gotten older, and I’ve intervened if I thought he was just yelling to yell or if he was scaring them. One of my sons is very strong willed and prone to anger, and I’ve always told him he needs to be self aware and work hard to break this cycle before he has kids. He and my DH butt heads a lot, and DH will be furious if he thinks I’m am taking my son’s side. I always tell him no one is terrorizing my kids on my watch, and that perhaps if his mother had stood up to his father (who only yelled at DH, never her) he might have learned how to control his anger. He almost always apologizes to our son after an outburst these days, and the outbursts are much less frequent—usually no more than once every few months When it happens though, it’s really something. After more than 20 years of marriage, it still mystifies me how such an otherwise great person can lose himself so completely.

[Anonymous]

I grew up with parents who were fine 95% of the time but did not handle conflict well. My father would sometimes explode when he was annoyed and yell, curse, or punch the wall. My mother would stew and then give the silent treatment or rip into me much later and then give me no chance to respond. I never recall witnessing a calm discussion/argument. Either the problem was avoided or someone snapped.

I thought I was handling it OK. Nobody ever hit me (nor did I ever fear it) or called me names. But as an adult, I cannot bear conflict. I once had to hide in a bathroom for 15 minutes at work because two people were shouting at each other in a meeting I was in and I felt the overpowering urge to flee. Afterwards, I cried in my office (if I hadn’t left I would have cried right there in the meeting). When I witness other parents arguing with their kids or sense a conflict is coming, I feel panicked. I once ran out of someone’s house because their teenage daughter got in a long fight with them in front of me and I was falling apart listening to it. I thought I’d gone without revealing how upset I was but they called me later to see if I was OK so I guess I didn’t. I hate that I can’t handle it but it feels like a reflex. Arguing starts and I want to run away and cry because in my experience, fights mean days of walking on eggshells and internalizing everything and waiting for the next episode. I think I’m overly sensitive to begin with so maybe it wouldn’t be like this for another kid growing up with my parents, but it left big scars. Only in the last few years have I realized how big. I navigate with my parents now by simply avoiding and not telling them anything unpleasant.

[Anonymous]

I don't hate men, I love my husband, my father, my FIL and my son. As well as many other men in my life. Are any of them perfect? Nope. Do some yell at the TV during a football game, or swear about a project that isn't going as planned. YUP.

But, I and my child are not accustomed to it. It happens infrequently and is very short lived, never directed at us and WE are never the cause. We aren't blamed or made to feel if we had done something differently Daddy would be happy.

That is the difference between normal male emotions and abuse. Your husband is 100% an emotional abuser or on his way down that path. Once a week or more is NOT a normal state to live in and the fact that your child tunes it out is what casues me concern. I cried last week when I got some bad health news about a family member. I cry so infrequently that my child KNEW something was very wrong. WE talked about it.
When my husband swears my child says "Uh oh, Daddy said a bad word!" and my DH says "yes i did, this project is frustrating me".
When a child starts ignoring behavior it means that it is so common place that it doesn't register to them to comment. This is NOT a good thing. Your child is normalizing that yelling and blaming others is a way to express frustrations.

Please get yourself help because your husband is making you think this is normal and YOU are part to blame. This is textbook abuser manipulation. Period.

[Anonymous]

There is a lot of hypocrisy in this thread.

People don't think the DH has the right to have any issues from his childhood. He should have addressed and fixed them all y now...but then people are posting about all kinds of issues they still have from their own childhoods? Why would he be expected to have resolved all his issues when many of the posters here are clear that they haven't been able to do the same?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a lot of hypocrisy in this thread.

People don't think the DH has the right to have any issues from his childhood. He should have addressed and fixed them all y now...but then people are posting about all kinds of issues they still have from their own childhoods? Why would he be expected to have resolved all his issues when many of the posters here are clear that they haven't been able to do the same?

Having issues is out of one’s control. Being aware of one’s issues and treating others with respect is entirely within one’s control.

There’s no hypocrisy when a person works to manage the damage from his or her past so that it doesn’t cause problems for others. It is, however, damaging when people take the pain from their past and inflict it on others.