effects of (otherwise great) DH with temper issues on children

[Anonymous]

It’s child abuse. Doing the yelling is child abuse, and putting up with it is child abuse.

In no uncertain terms, the next time he does this, make it clear to your husband that you are not tolerating this. Finis. Over. Done.

Don’t BS yourself, OP.

[Anonymous]

So, this was my dad. It still is the way he operates to a certain extent. With the caveat that every family is different and every child has a different level of resilience, I’ll share my story: By the time I had memories —about 4-ish—I feared my dad. I just had a non-specific fear of him and the time when he would come home from work. By grade school my friends were afraid of him too. They wouldn’t come over to play when he was around and told me he was scary. When my parents finally split up, this hurt me a lot socially because my dad had custody on weekends. My friends didn’t want to come over to my dad’s house on weekends and always had excuses not to come, so life became pretty lonely until my teen years. I always had a vague feeling of unease and distrust around my dad, so I never told him anything sensitive or personal, even if he said it was ok. I learned to walk on eggshells, that it was my job not to set off my dad. As a young adult, this was a maladaptive response; I was too meek in dating relationships and conflicts with friends. When I didn’t feel well in relationships, I didn’t know how to ask for what I wanted.

Now as an adult, I ignore my father’s blow-ups. They’ve lessened in severity. I also know they’re not about me. However, it makes me extremely sad when I see him target people like my sibling’s significant other, for example. It’s embarrassing and sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he lose his temper at work? Does he lose his temper if a cop pulls him over ? If not, then he CAN control his temper, he just chooses not to and blame you instead.

Amen.

And if he can’t control his temper in those situations, then why be married to someone at risk of losing his job, driving recklessly, etc?

[Anonymous]

My mom had a terrible temper when I was growing up, although none of us cried because of it, we learned early things would blow over fast. She was, otherwise, a great mom. And yet, the damage is real. I’m in my 40s and I’m still willing to put myself in bad situations to avoid conflict, to not trust my own responses to anything, always be wary. As I get older I realize how much it has shaped my personality and relationships, for the worse.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you able to be emotionally available to your child when your spouse has upset you to the point of tears? I doubt it. Read up on attachment disorders. (The origin of this problem isn’t your fault, but it is your job to take decisive action to set boundaries and fix this for your child.)

[Anonymous]

My Dad was like this. I hated that I never knew if I was getting angry dad, or normal dad.

The sad thing is, he either passed it on to me, or I learned it from him or whatever.

I'm trying really hard to learn ways to fix it because I don't want my kids to grow up the same way that I did. I have low-level anxiety and when I'm low on sleep, or don't get exercise, or am hungry or whatever, I can just turn into a bear. So part of it is me just making sure I take care of myself, which isn't always easy with young kids.

[Anonymous]

This is going to be an unpopular opinion, given what PPs have said, but I don't necessarily think this is going to scar your son for life if your DH is otherwise as great as you say, and if he gets better at controlling it. My dad had an explosive temper, but was otherwise great, and was never physical with any of us (though he could do things like punch walls). When he lost his temper you learned to hang back and stay away, but none of us were traumatized for life by this. I have no fear of conflict, problems with relationships, trouble communicating, etc. Love dad deeply and no conflicted feelings.

My dad definitely had anger management problems. BUT, some people are born more hot-blooded, emotional, and passionate, and they are prone to yell or show their emotions. To people who are low on the passion scale, very controlled, and not emotional, the other personality type makes no sense to them and seems dysfunctional. But to those of us who are more hot-blooded, it sounds weird to hear about people who NEVER yell, or have explosive emotions, or can feel rage or strong emotions - those are all natural, very human emotions.

If yelling is the worst your DH does, and he never hits anyone or anything, and he's getting help, and he's self-aware, then he's not so bad. (And let me guess- he's pretty amazing in bed, right?)

[Anonymous]

Watching his father verbally abuse his mother is not good for your son. Stop the self blame.

[Anonymous]

I am not going to give you the Chicken Little sky is falling answer given by other PPs because they are over the top and probably saying that to make themselves feel better about their own crappy DHs. Sometimes parents have fights, sometimes they escalate. As long as there’s no verbal abuse or violence it’s not the absolute worst thing in the world.

HOWEVER it should not be as frequent as you describe. You guys need to pinpoint and try to remove the external stressors. Is it his job? Change it. Is it money? Downsize your lifestyle. Is it an underlying depression? Treat it. Continue with the therapy - lots and lots of therapy. Some individual therapy for yourself as well. You need a second opinion on whether your DH’s behavior is in fact abuse and you are not recognizing it - right now I am taking you at your word that it is not, but you should verify that.

Also - make sure both of you get plenty of exercise and meditation time. That helps a lot with the anger.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, but in my opinion, he is not an amazing father. He is a mean and cruel man and a bully. He needs some professional help and if he doesn't get it, I would take my children and leave. Screaming is emotional abuse and leaves more lasting damage than physical abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is also not a great husband to you if he has yelling episodes based on "feeling like you're controlling him".

OP, it won't be long before the emotional abuse becomes physical abuse to you and/or your child. When do you plan to face the truth about this bully? Stop making excuses for him!

[Anonymous]

Agree about exercise and self-care shaping emotionality. Another thing to check is his sleep. My husband’s self control improved dramatically once he finally stopped having 90 apnea episodes (90, not a typo) each night. CPAPs are the best.

[Anonymous]

A couple times a year, that's normal. Life happens, people lose their tempers. But every week, he has a massive blow-up that brings you to the point of tears? That's not normal whether you're talking about being in a healthy relationship or modeling a healthy relationship for your son.


If this is happening every week, he's not a great father. And it doesn't matter if he's a very emotional person, knowing emotional regulation is part of being an adult. Make no mistake, this is teaching your son that it is okay for a man to treat his partner this way.

[Anonymous]

If you worked in an office where your direct supervisor went bananas yelling once a week, would you call that a great job? Would you recommend others work there? Would you want the neighbor’s college-age child interning in that environment? Then why do you excuse it in your household for your toddler?

[Anonymous]

Do you honestly feel he is a great father or is he telling you that he is.
He does not seem like a great father to your child or a great partner for you.
If he gets upset and needs space or to take a walk, fine. But blowing up at your or in front of your child 1x a week? That is a no go. Your son will learn to try not to make dad mad and will will feel at fault for when dad is mad. Do you want your son growing up feeling that way? Or thinking it is ok to yell and scream when angry? To make his girlfriend or wife or child cry?

Your husband is able to control his anger in other situations it seems so at home should be no different. He can join a gym or go running to release his stress but yelling at home is a NO go. Don't do this to your child.. Your DH needs help.