effects of (otherwise great) DH with temper issues on children

[Anonymous]

DH is an amazing dad and partner, but he has a very short fuse that can blow up in unpredictable places, usually if there are more external stressors but sometimes in just really random places. More recently this has been about once a week, when something will trip him up and he goes from 0 to 60 in expressing his frustrations via yelling, which usually drags me in and ends up with me in tears. Later on he'll be remorseful, we'll talk it out, see each other's point of view, etc. He's also a very engaged dad and great husband to me, pulls his weight in housework, etc.

He's in counseling to work on healthy ways of expressing emotions and we've done couples counseling, and will probably be back. I have my own contributions, as one of the things that can set him off is feeling like I'm controlling him (which he's uber-sensitive to b/c of his controlling mom), but my take is that it's fine to be upset or angry, but it's not okay to YELL YELL YELL with out of control emotions, especially now we have our DC, who is 2. I do have hope that DH can grow in this area but I don't know.

Why this is in parenting forum--DC generally ignores the explosions or just keeps playing, etc. but as he gets older, I'm very worried at the impact on him. Anyone have experiences to share of any similar patterns (whether from you or spouse) and impact on kids? I know that we'll try to do things like reconcile in front of him, hug each other and apologize etc.

I don't want DC to get the idea that all emotion is bad. Something I love about DH is that he IS emotionally expressive (it just runs over a little too much in this area). And I also don't want him to get the idea that yelling like a nutzo is the only way to deal w/big emotions. I know that I can only parent the child I have, and however he ends up expressing emotions, I can work to support him to do it in healthy ways. I wish DH had more of that as a child, sigh. TIA.

[Anonymous]

Read How not to hate your husband after kids. She does a great job laying out how terrible this is for your kid even f he seems fine. It’s devastating but true.

[Anonymous]

I'd try to have dh talk to your son after these outbursts to explain why he blew up,why it's not the right reaction, how he's trying to change, etc. I think it can be toxic and damaging for a kid to witness but it also sounds like you and, more importantly, your DH, know this and he's working on it. Its ok for kids to know their parents have flaws but also to know that this is neither healthy nor appropriate.

[Anonymous]

I am a 50+ year old still dealing with after effects of an explosive father who had plenty of good characteristics. Never got hit by him but the living in fear of an explosive episode is very damaging to kids.

[Anonymous]

When your son is older guess who will be yelled at.

[Anonymous]

Yup, years and years and years of therapy for my explosive father, who always apologized and "hugged it out" afterwards.

Get that under control. It's very, very bad for kids. I still have nightmares.

[Anonymous]

The Parent Encouragement Program (PEP) has a great (and short) course on anger management and kids. Highly recommend for you and DH.

[Anonymous]

You are in serious denial. He is not a great dad if he is having a tantrum once per week. The best case scenario is he is actually a bit depressed and this could get better with treatment. Make no mistake though-this is absolutely toxic to your child’s development.

[Anonymous]

He is also not a great husband to you if he has yelling episodes based on "feeling like you're controlling him".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When your son is older guess who will be yelled at.

Ahhh. And when your son gets a little older, maybe after puberty, guess who’s going to become the one yelling?

Get used to it now because that’s how your son will treat his children and his spouse.

[Anonymous]

He is not a good husband or father if he's verbally abusing you. And NOTHING you do justifies his behavior, even if he's convinced you you're "triggering" him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is also not a great husband to you if he has yelling episodes based on "feeling like you're controlling him".

Yeah. This is creepy. The tone in OP’s is apologetic for having thoughts that her husband disapproves of. She seems like she’s constantly saying she’s sorry for existing. He justifies what would otherwise be very abusive behavior as fear of being controlled. This is classic gaslighting in addition to anger issues. He’s not a good husband, not even a little. This is a horrible environment for your son to grow up in. It’s just a matter of time before the kid becomes the target.

[Anonymous]

He's not a great dad if he's creating a hostile environment. He should be in anger management. Maybe that's what you said he's in, but used different words?

My father had a rage problem. I grew up terrified of him. Embarrassingly, it turned out that I was also afraid of any older man (dad-age) who yelled - it would promptly make me cry.

He doesn't really yell at me any more, but he sure yells at my mom. Middle of a hotel lobby? No problem! Middle of a restaurant? No problem! No place is too public for him to yell at her.

I don't want to be around him much when she's there. I asked my mom once why she didn't leave him and save us from him. She didn't have a real answer, but I suspect she couldn't afford to support us and was too terrified to be on her own.

[Anonymous]

Does he lose his temper at work? Does he lose his temper if a cop pulls him over ? If not, then he CAN control his temper, he just chooses not to and blame you instead.

[Anonymous]

He makes you cry every week???

And your kid is so used to the turmoil, he just ignores you guys and keeps playing?

This is just about the shittiest home life a kid could have (short of physical and sexual abuse.) It’s not normal for a little kid to have zero reaction to his mom crying. That your kid has shut down this much at such a young age is indicative of an absolutely terrible home life.

Your husband is nowhere close to being a good dad or a good husband. You have no idea what normal is, you sound like the classic domestic violence victim who insists it was her fault she got a black eye because she didn’t do the dishes, or she argued with him or whatever she tells herself to rationalize her life. Your explanations of his behavior sound like that OP. To any outside observer you sound insane.