effects of (otherwise great) DH with temper issues on children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a lot of hypocrisy in this thread.

People don't think the DH has the right to have any issues from his childhood. He should have addressed and fixed them all y now...but then people are posting about all kinds of issues they still have from their own childhoods? Why would he be expected to have resolved all his issues when many of the posters here are clear that they haven't been able to do the same?

Having issues is out of one’s control. Being aware of one’s issues and treating others with respect is entirely within one’s control.

There’s no hypocrisy when a person works to manage the damage from his or her past so that it doesn’t cause problems for others. It is, however, damaging when people take the pain from their past and inflict it on others.

Just because someone had a difficult life, it doesn't make okay for them to take out their issues on others. There's never any excuse for disrespecting and treating your partner poorly.

Love is a verb. Exploding at your partner and driving them to tears on a weekly basis is not how you treat someone who you claim to love.

[Anonymous]

OPs DH does not sound like he really thinks there is a huge problem. She is here asking how this will affect their child, does he care?
No one expects someone to be perfect, but not abusive? Yes. Especially with kids. He should have been working on this and taking steps to make sure he is in control around his family. I doubt he is at work yelling for hours and still employed.
Most people here dealing with there demons; know them. Recognize them and do whatever htey can to ensure they don't affect their family.
Ops DH is BLAMING her and the kid for HIS issues. Not cool and its abusive.

[Anonymous]

OP, it is really great that he is in therapy for this. I also suggest PEP. That step indicates to me that he is aware of the issue and, more importantly, ACTIVELY working on addressing it.

I had a similar now ex-husband. In my own experience, it escalated over time and was the the only issue in our marriage. But, it was a massive issue. He was a "great" dad who otherwise flew off the handle at the smallest things. It made our home environment extremely stressful during those times. It also eventually led to an adversarial partnership because I felt I had to protect the kids from his tirades. It did impact them. My dad was similar, and I certainly remember it even from a very young age.

I think this is really, really serious. At a minimum, you don't want DC to emulate this behavior, consciously or not, as he gets older. You don't him to treat his partner the same way. One strategy in the interim is that DH has to walk away whenever possible to get a handle on his emotions. NONE of that can happen in front of your kid.

[Anonymous]

OP is not coming back. She knows the guy is not “otherwise great.”

[Anonymous]

My dad had the short fuse and we walked on eggshells. I don’t know the state of the research but maybe your ped can weigh in. Have you seen this?

https://theorangerhino.com

At the very least I think the yelling and rage is symptomatic of something deeper. He lacks self-compassion and emotional regulation. That is going to impact your child as a model, and I would think it’s important enough to address now.

[Anonymous]

Too bad OP isn't returning. Hopefully she doesn't live in denial thinking that her DH is this "GREAT DAD" all the while he is creating a very hostile environment for his family to live in.
If she is anything like other DCUM posters though, she will have 2 more kids with him before she realizes how deep she is into abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op,I don't think it is as dire as the responses you are getting. As you know if you read this board, there are many people on here who hate men and look for any possible thread where they can trash men to every extent possible. This is not a good place to come for reasonable advice about a relationship.

I would actually guess that only a few posters have posted repeatedly above as they often do that in threads where they can bash men.

Men aren't perfect, they express emotion and sometimes in unhealthy ways due to past issues, just like women do. That doesn't make them evil or abusive, nor does it mean you son will be scared for life.

You recognize there is a problem, you and he are both working on it. Talk to professionals about it for sure. They can also give you strategies and responses to minimize him getting any response to the yelling and how to point out to him in a way that he can hear that his temper is rising. You need someone who knows you both.

Anger is often one of the only emotions men have been allowed to express - everything else is seen as weak or feminine or socially unacceptable for a man. It takes time for those raised that way to learn how to identify the emotion they really feel and respond appropriately.

Did you grow up with a parent who exploded with rage? If not then you wouldn't understand how damaging it is.

All of my siblings and I have had real emotional issues as adults, with our own relationships and families and in the workplace, that absolutely can be linked back to a childhood of fear.

[Anonymous]

My Mom is a great Mom. She was very loving and adored me. But she had an explosive temper. And in 15 mins it was gone and forgotten. I got used to them and also let them go once they were over.
But I realized with age and therapy that I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop, not quite knowing when it would hit. And one way I coped was really believing once it passed I was over it, but I wasn't I was just suppressing it.

And now, I still find myself bracing for an explosive outburst from DH, even though he isn't like that AT ALL. But my muscles get tense and I hold my breath and I wait for him to explode.

Doesn't matter all the amazing things my mother did all the other times. The damage from her explosions is deep.

[Anonymous]

NP here: serious question, as I am in a similar bit worse situation with my DH...everyone seems to think it is so obvious to leave him. I WANT to leave him. But how in warmth can I leave a small child with him 50% of the time???? Right now, when my DH’s moods are so bad, I can take my son out for day trip on the weekend, or bring him to snuggle and read books early to get away. He is never alone with his dad’s rage.

But I remember being terrified of my mom’s rage, and so alone, and so unprotected. I take ALL the blame for choosing terribly in a partner who turned out to be like this...it is a complete bait and switch from our dating lives, but I can see red flags I chose to ignore now. So I own my bad decision of marrying and getting pregnant with someone who is unstable and angry. But how do I mitigate the damage now? I have stayed this far because I did not want to leave a defenseless little child with him and these moods. One side of me says get out and at least he knows he can be safe and have peace and stability at my house half of the time. But I have stayed this long because that seems just wayyyyy too dangerous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it is really great that he is in therapy for this. I also suggest PEP. That step indicates to me that he is aware of the issue and, more importantly, ACTIVELY working on addressing it.

I had a similar now ex-husband. In my own experience, it escalated over time and was the the only issue in our marriage. But, it was a massive issue. He was a "great" dad who otherwise flew off the handle at the smallest things. It made our home environment extremely stressful during those times. It also eventually led to an adversarial partnership because I felt I had to protect the kids from his tirades. It did impact them. My dad was similar, and I certainly remember it even from a very young age.

I think this is really, really serious. At a minimum, you don't want DC to emulate this behavior, consciously or not, as he gets older. You don't him to treat his partner the same way. One strategy in the interim is that DH has to walk away whenever possible to get a handle on his emotions. NONE of that can happen in front of your kid.

How did things go in divorce, PP? I’m the NP above who is terrified that his rages will be worse Post-divorce, and I won’t be there to protect the kids or at least remove them. He’s never physically hurt us but I know too welll the terror I felt as a child, just from explosive yelling. And I’m afraid he will be adversarial in divorce and grind is into dust with conflict over every little thing. It’s an empty power, but the closets thing I have to power now, knowing he doesn’t want me to leave.