Boyfriend of 1 year just sent me an article about a local swinger's party...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:...and I'm not into it. Am also feeling sad, as it's yet another in a series of indicators that we're not on the same page.

We're both divorced parents; him x 7 years, me x 3 years. His kids are teens, I have one 6 yo DS. We've dated for a year, it's gone well, met each other's children around month 8. And in the last 3 months things seem to have stalled.

I've made it clear that I want to get married again, that with a young child it's a priority for me. He was less emphatic about that but understood my position. He needs to move in the next year for his job and I explained that with children involved, we'd need to be engaged before I moved anywhere with my child. He's brought up multiple geographic locales; I entertain the conversations briefly but firmly circle back to my original position: no ring, no move. Sorry to be a hardliner, but I have a lucrative job that I enjoy here in Washington. DS's dad is (unfortunately) uninvolved so that does not prevent a move, but if/until I merge households my financial independence is crucial. Even after a merge, it's crucial. Anyway we've navigated the conversations with maturity and they've gone well. Now this.

Since I'll be asked, I'm high drive and our sex life is pretty intense. I might even be open to his suggestion somewhere down the road. But at 1 year, with kids involved, before we're permanently committed? I feel stung and like I may need to step back from all of this. I'm looking at the math and it's not adding up to the likelihood of success.

His answer when I asked why he sent me the article: "I was just sharing". Sure you were, buddy.

I know the answer here: this is what dating is for, move on, etc. People dating in their 40's with kids will get it: cutting bait at the year mark is sometimes necessary. But it sucks.

A year is plenty of time to decide if you both want a future. Apparently he doesn't.

That article he sent is showing you he has a disturbing side you may not have seen. I would send back a article on STD's and it's effect among people. Then I'd dump him. Plenty of men want to get married, you need to find that out on the coffee date. Most have that in their profile, not sure why you wasted your time with him if he wasn't keen on a relationship leading to marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He wants to "share" more than the article. Move on (and get tested for STDs.)

Yes, this is what I was thinking. I hope she was using a condom with this guy, very scary!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:...and I'm not into it. Am also feeling sad, as it's yet another in a series of indicators that we're not on the same page.

We're both divorced parents; him x 7 years, me x 3 years. His kids are teens, I have one 6 yo DS. We've dated for a year, it's gone well, met each other's children around month 8. And in the last 3 months things seem to have stalled.

I've made it clear that I want to get married again, that with a young child it's a priority for me. He was less emphatic about that but understood my position. He needs to move in the next year for his job and I explained that with children involved, we'd need to be engaged before I moved anywhere with my child. He's brought up multiple geographic locales; I entertain the conversations briefly but firmly circle back to my original position: no ring, no move. Sorry to be a hardliner, but I have a lucrative job that I enjoy here in Washington. DS's dad is (unfortunately) uninvolved so that does not prevent a move, but if/until I merge households my financial independence is crucial. Even after a merge, it's crucial. Anyway we've navigated the conversations with maturity and they've gone well. Now this.

Since I'll be asked, I'm high drive and our sex life is pretty intense. I might even be open to his suggestion somewhere down the road. But at 1 year, with kids involved, before we're permanently committed? I feel stung and like I may need to step back from all of this. I'm looking at the math and it's not adding up to the likelihood of success.

His answer when I asked why he sent me the article: "I was just sharing". Sure you were, buddy.

I know the answer here: this is what dating is for, move on, etc. People dating in their 40's with kids will get it: cutting bait at the year mark is sometimes necessary. But it sucks.

A year is plenty of time to decide if you both want a future. Apparently he doesn't.

That article he sent is showing you he has a disturbing side you may not have seen. I would send back a article on STD's and it's effect among people. Then I'd dump him. Plenty of men want to get married, you need to find that out on the coffee date. Most have that in their profile, not sure why you wasted your time with him if he wasn't keen on a relationship leading to marriage.

Most men aren't discussing marriage on the first date, what I assume you mean by "coffee date" and they aren't putting it in their profile - you must be married, fat or ugly or all of the above. No one does this.

[Anonymous]

OP, lots of people are being harsh to you, and to him, but my advice is still the same. Slow this down and expect it to end when he moves.

They are two separate issues: He is moving and it seems like an enormous commitment so soon, yes a year, even two years is way, way too soon to be remarried especially if you have kids and especially if it requires uprooting your kids from your friends, kids friends and schools. Not to be a buzz kill, but that seems somewhat cruel to do after your kid's home life was shattered.

The swinging thing, yes he is interested and I commend him for being somewhat honest by raising it now. Nothing wrong with swinging and nothing wrong with not wanting to swing, but this is obviously an urge of his he wants to satisfy.

Short story is you have multiple incompatibilities, let him go, either soon or when he leaves.

[Anonymous]

If he was in love with you and there was a future here, you wouldn't be writing this. You'd know. Don't try to make a square peg fit in a round hole. All the intellectualizing in the world won't make a dud of a relationship work. Love is never enough, but it also is a pretty key ingredient.

[Anonymous]

Can you post the article? Crious minds....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:...and I'm not into it. Am also feeling sad, as it's yet another in a series of indicators that we're not on the same page.

We're both divorced parents; him x 7 years, me x 3 years. His kids are teens, I have one 6 yo DS. We've dated for a year, it's gone well, met each other's children around month 8. And in the last 3 months things seem to have stalled.

I've made it clear that I want to get married again, that with a young child it's a priority for me. He was less emphatic about that but understood my position. He needs to move in the next year for his job and I explained that with children involved, we'd need to be engaged before I moved anywhere with my child. He's brought up multiple geographic locales; I entertain the conversations briefly but firmly circle back to my original position: no ring, no move. Sorry to be a hardliner, but I have a lucrative job that I enjoy here in Washington. DS's dad is (unfortunately) uninvolved so that does not prevent a move, but if/until I merge households my financial independence is crucial. Even after a merge, it's crucial. Anyway we've navigated the conversations with maturity and they've gone well. Now this.

Since I'll be asked, I'm high drive and our sex life is pretty intense. I might even be open to his suggestion somewhere down the road. But at 1 year, with kids involved, before we're permanently committed? I feel stung and like I may need to step back from all of this. I'm looking at the math and it's not adding up to the likelihood of success.

His answer when I asked why he sent me the article: "I was just sharing". Sure you were, buddy.

I know the answer here: this is what dating is for, move on, etc. People dating in their 40's with kids will get it: cutting bait at the year mark is sometimes necessary. But it sucks.

A year is plenty of time to decide if you both want a future. Apparently he doesn't.

That article he sent is showing you he has a disturbing side you may not have seen. I would send back a article on STD's and it's effect among people. Then I'd dump him. Plenty of men want to get married, you need to find that out on the coffee date. Most have that in their profile, not sure why you wasted your time with him if he wasn't keen on a relationship leading to marriage.

Most men aren't discussing marriage on the first date, what I assume you mean by "coffee date" and they aren't putting it in their profile - you must be married, fat or ugly or all of the above. No one does this.

You're a idiot. You know right away from conversation if the person is looking for a long-term commitment or not. She should have in her profile: *long-eventually marriage someday.

Not rocket science.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:...and I'm not into it. Am also feeling sad, as it's yet another in a series of indicators that we're not on the same page.

We're both divorced parents; him x 7 years, me x 3 years. His kids are teens, I have one 6 yo DS. We've dated for a year, it's gone well, met each other's children around month 8. And in the last 3 months things seem to have stalled.

I've made it clear that I want to get married again, that with a young child it's a priority for me. He was less emphatic about that but understood my position. He needs to move in the next year for his job and I explained that with children involved, we'd need to be engaged before I moved anywhere with my child. He's brought up multiple geographic locales; I entertain the conversations briefly but firmly circle back to my original position: no ring, no move. Sorry to be a hardliner, but I have a lucrative job that I enjoy here in Washington. DS's dad is (unfortunately) uninvolved so that does not prevent a move, but if/until I merge households my financial independence is crucial. Even after a merge, it's crucial. Anyway we've navigated the conversations with maturity and they've gone well. Now this.

Since I'll be asked, I'm high drive and our sex life is pretty intense. I might even be open to his suggestion somewhere down the road. But at 1 year, with kids involved, before we're permanently committed? I feel stung and like I may need to step back from all of this. I'm looking at the math and it's not adding up to the likelihood of success.

His answer when I asked why he sent me the article: "I was just sharing". Sure you were, buddy.

I know the answer here: this is what dating is for, move on, etc. People dating in their 40's with kids will get it: cutting bait at the year mark is sometimes necessary. But it sucks.

A year is plenty of time to decide if you both want a future. Apparently he doesn't.

That article he sent is showing you he has a disturbing side you may not have seen. I would send back a article on STD's and it's effect among people. Then I'd dump him. Plenty of men want to get married, you need to find that out on the coffee date. Most have that in their profile, not sure why you wasted your time with him if he wasn't keen on a relationship leading to marriage.

Apparently so does OP. She said she might be down with it if everything else were cool, it's not.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's unusual when a man meets a high drive woman, his mind turns cruelly sexist. One option would be to tell him your honest reaction; disabuse him of this notion. When my hig-drive husband-to-be suggested virtually the same thing, I reacted promptly that this was way beyond my borders. That ended that, but of course the future is hard to predict.

[Anonymous]

This is a tangent, but I'm curious about the article. Care to share the link, OP?

[Anonymous]

From what you wrote, I don’t think you are compatible. Being completely honest there are a lot of men and woman with their own teenage or out of the house kids that don’t want to raise someone else’s young kids because they are done and/or don’t want to have that additional upheaval for a teenager that will be moving out in just a few years. Did he ever sound gung ho if he found the right person to blend families while his kids were still in high school etc or more of a non committal - won’t say no, but not saying it’s important to have this type of commitment.

With the swinging party, that’s a whole other discussion. If you had the type of commitment you are looking for, I.e. engagement and a partner in raising your son, would you really want to add swinging to the mix and is it important to have someone open to that? If it’s not, don’t just do this to go along and keep this guy. If it is something important really think about how important- it may be hard to find that guy that has the marriage track, willing to raise a young step son and has the sexual compatibility you are looking for.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, he's not "just sharing". He's testing the waters. You're looking to get married and he's looking to play. Thank you, next. Sorry OP!

[Anonymous]

If you want to swing, swing, a ring don’t mean a thing.

[Anonymous]

OP to be divorced, you seem to have an unusual insistence on jumping back into a higher risk marriage, with conditional acceptance around the partnership piece.if you aren’t ready to marry (your words) why challenge him? Both of you are pussy footing around nuptials, sensibly because divorce sucks hairy a. Actions speak louder than sparkly rangs and thangs. I’m at a similar dating mark post-divorce with a kindergartener, and I’d pump the brakes with your talk of the future and meaning and you’ll do thisnin bed if married but this is we are dating, and only this if we are friends after a breakup.. You sound really anxious to remarry and force a commitment. Why? Did you work through your issues with the first marriage in your 3 years of being single post divorce? Or are you jumping back in with the same fears as 20 years ago?