Boyfriend of 1 year just sent me an article about a local swinger's party...

[Anonymous]

The swinger thing seems unrelated to the marriage and moving problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The swinger thing seems unrelated to the marriage and moving problem.

Agreed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The swinger thing seems unrelated to the marriage and moving problem.

Agreed

For me the two feel related because both are indicative of issues out of my comfort zone, both related to timing. Were we committed and longer term, moving would likely be in the cards, as would some physical stuff we haven't tried yet. Re: being in a rush, that's just it. I'm not. I'm very happy dating and allowing things to move along at a timeline that makes sense, esp bc we both have families. I brought up the marriage issue early so he understood my long term priorities, and the engagement issue recently due to all this discussion about moving. Not because I'm ready to commit to that. I'm not. But I needed to make it clear that big decisions (like moving) required bigger discussions about us, rather than talk about geography. That's some serious cart-before-the-horse stuff that really weirded me out. My singe life with my son here in DC may not be exciting, but it's hard-earned and solid, not some stock I'm looking to dump. I'd love to combine our lives into a bigger picture (not just to "give him a dad", but to build a family for us), but the picture has to make sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The swinger thing seems unrelated to the marriage and moving problem.

Agreed

For me the two feel related because both are indicative of issues out of my comfort zone, both related to timing. Were we committed and longer term, moving would likely be in the cards, as would some physical stuff we haven't tried yet. Re: being in a rush, that's just it. I'm not. I'm very happy dating and allowing things to move along at a timeline that makes sense, esp bc we both have families. I brought up the marriage issue early so he understood my long term priorities, and the engagement issue recently due to all this discussion about moving. Not because I'm ready to commit to that. I'm not. But I needed to make it clear that big decisions (like moving) required bigger discussions about us, rather than talk about geography. That's some serious cart-before-the-horse stuff that really weirded me out. My singe life with my son here in DC may not be exciting, but it's hard-earned and solid, not some stock I'm looking to dump. I'd love to combine our lives into a bigger picture (not just to "give him a dad", but to build a family for us), but the picture has to make sense.

OP- you're overthinking it. I'm guessing that when marriage and commitment come up in conversation, that you're the one doing the talking. Has he said, "I want to move in a year, and I want you to go with me as my fiance/wife?"

You two have been dating for less than a year- I recognize that you have an agenda, and that's fine, but he might feel overwhelmed with your pace and seriousness. He's trying to lighten things up by sending you the swingers party article. If you like him, live in the "now" and see if it's moving forward. Reassess in six months.

It's reasonable to flatly tell him you're not moving out of state with anyone but a husband--and leave it at that. If he wants to move, and he wants you to come with him, he knows what needs to happen...but stop with the talk, talk, talk. You're probably freaking him out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The swinger thing seems unrelated to the marriage and moving problem.

Agreed

For me the two feel related because both are indicative of issues out of my comfort zone, both related to timing. Were we committed and longer term, moving would likely be in the cards, as would some physical stuff we haven't tried yet. Re: being in a rush, that's just it. I'm not. I'm very happy dating and allowing things to move along at a timeline that makes sense, esp bc we both have families. I brought up the marriage issue early so he understood my long term priorities, and the engagement issue recently due to all this discussion about moving. Not because I'm ready to commit to that. I'm not. But I needed to make it clear that big decisions (like moving) required bigger discussions about us, rather than talk about geography. That's some serious cart-before-the-horse stuff that really weirded me out. My singe life with my son here in DC may not be exciting, but it's hard-earned and solid, not some stock I'm looking to dump. I'd love to combine our lives into a bigger picture (not just to "give him a dad", but to build a family for us), but the picture has to make sense.

OP- you're overthinking it. I'm guessing that when marriage and commitment come up in conversation, that you're the one doing the talking. Has he said, "I want to move in a year, and I want you to go with me as my fiance/wife?"

You two have been dating for less than a year- I recognize that you have an agenda, and that's fine, but he might feel overwhelmed with your pace and seriousness. He's trying to lighten things up by sending you the swingers party article. If you like him, live in the "now" and see if it's moving forward. Reassess in six months.

It's reasonable to flatly tell him you're not moving out of state with anyone but a husband--and leave it at that. If he wants to move, and he wants you to come with him, he knows what needs to happen...but stop with the talk, talk, talk. You're probably freaking him out.

...and OP just to be clear, you need to back off the commitment talk if you like him *but* if he says he wants to move for his job in a year and he wants you to go with him, reply "I'm not moving unless I'm married. I have a kid, a job, and a life." Then, stop talking about it. He knows what he needs to do if he wants to be with you. Right now, you're coming across as "desperate" when you seem like you have it going on, raising a kid by yourself with a good job. Just give yourself some credit. You like this guy-- you don't need him. You both need to understand that.

[Anonymous]

Drop the bf.

He is what I'd like to call a stepping stone. Helped you through a tight patch with companionship, now move on.

The mere fact that you claim to have a healthy sex life/have a steady bf but are posting on dcum at 4:35 ... says a lot.

I'd be either sleep from the 2am romp or getting a lil nookie in before the monday morning rush... no judgements ijs...

yep, let him go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:...and I'm not into it. Am also feeling sad, as it's yet another in a series of indicators that we're not on the same page.

We're both divorced parents; him x 7 years, me x 3 years. His kids are teens, I have one 6 yo DS. We've dated for a year, it's gone well, met each other's children around month 8. And in the last 3 months things seem to have stalled.

I've made it clear that I want to get married again, that with a young child it's a priority for me. He was less emphatic about that but understood my position. He needs to move in the next year for his job and I explained that with children involved, we'd need to be engaged before I moved anywhere with my child. He's brought up multiple geographic locales; I entertain the conversations briefly but firmly circle back to my original position: no ring, no move. Sorry to be a hardliner, but I have a lucrative job that I enjoy here in Washington. DS's dad is (unfortunately) uninvolved so that does not prevent a move, but if/until I merge households my financial independence is crucial. Even after a merge, it's crucial. Anyway we've navigated the conversations with maturity and they've gone well. Now this.

Since I'll be asked, I'm high drive and our sex life is pretty intense. I might even be open to his suggestion somewhere down the road. But at 1 year, with kids involved, before we're permanently committed? I feel stung and like I may need to step back from all of this. I'm looking at the math and it's not adding up to the likelihood of success.

His answer when I asked why he sent me the article: "I was just sharing". Sure you were, buddy.

I know the answer here: this is what dating is for, move on, etc. People dating in their 40's with kids will get it: cutting bait at the year mark is sometimes necessary. But it sucks.

Sorry you are going through this, but better you know now. If I was sent that article as anything other than a joke that would be it for me.

You deserve better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m divorced and dating a man who is divorced. We both have young kids and will be introducing the whole concept at the year mark. I have to ask you- why are you in such a hurry? I get that he’s moving in a year, but you don’t need to be engaged for a year. Are there any other warning signs?

+1. Also, you maybe high drive but the idea of being into swinging and having a step family does not seem like it will end well. I’ve met a few of those people OLD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he really wanted to commit to you, you'd know it. Cut bait. He's testing to see what he can get away with.

This guy is telling you, "I have NO intention of EVER committing to you. YOUR feelings, wants and/or needs are totally NOT important to me, You told me what you want to be happy. & I HEARD YOU the first 10 times. I will not do ANY of that, EVER. WHY don't you get that? I am NOT changing my mind. I'm bringing up swinging as a make it or break it. If you continue to go along with my fantasies & meet my sexual needs, I will give YOU the pleasure of having me as your boyfriend. Otherwise, I'm out. "

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The swinger thing seems unrelated to the marriage and moving problem.

Agreed

For me the two feel related because both are indicative of issues out of my comfort zone, both related to timing. Were we committed and longer term, moving would likely be in the cards, as would some physical stuff we haven't tried yet. Re: being in a rush, that's just it. I'm not. I'm very happy dating and allowing things to move along at a timeline that makes sense, esp bc we both have families. I brought up the marriage issue early so he understood my long term priorities, and the engagement issue recently due to all this discussion about moving. Not because I'm ready to commit to that. I'm not. But I needed to make it clear that big decisions (like moving) required bigger discussions about us, rather than talk about geography. That's some serious cart-before-the-horse stuff that really weirded me out. My singe life with my son here in DC may not be exciting, but it's hard-earned and solid, not some stock I'm looking to dump. I'd love to combine our lives into a bigger picture (not just to "give him a dad", but to build a family for us), but the picture has to make sense.

OP- you're overthinking it. I'm guessing that when marriage and commitment come up in conversation, that you're the one doing the talking. Has he said, "I want to move in a year, and I want you to go with me as my fiance/wife?"

You two have been dating for less than a year- I recognize that you have an agenda, and that's fine, but he might feel overwhelmed with your pace and seriousness. He's trying to lighten things up by sending you the swingers party article. If you like him, live in the "now" and see if it's moving forward. Reassess in six months.

It's reasonable to flatly tell him you're not moving out of state with anyone but a husband--and leave it at that. If he wants to move, and he wants you to come with him, he knows what needs to happen...but stop with the talk, talk, talk. You're probably freaking him out.

...and OP just to be clear, you need to back off the commitment talk if you like him *but* if he says he wants to move for his job in a year and he wants you to go with him, reply "I'm not moving unless I'm married. I have a kid, a job, and a life." Then, stop talking about it. He knows what he needs to do if he wants to be with you. Right now, you're coming across as "desperate" when you seem like you have it going on, raising a kid by yourself with a good job. Just give yourself some credit. You like this guy-- you don't need him. You both need to understand that.

I logged on this morning to write pretty much this. There is a lot of power in just putting your intentions out there, and then being quiet. I know it can be hard, I’m a strong, vocal woman myself. But if you love this man, and you think he’s the one for you, let him come to you. You told him what you need. You love each other. It’s hasn't even been a year. Be patient and calm. Let him come to you now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:...and I'm not into it. Am also feeling sad, as it's yet another in a series of indicators that we're not on the same page.

We're both divorced parents; him x 7 years, me x 3 years. His kids are teens, I have one 6 yo DS. We've dated for a year, it's gone well, met each other's children around month 8. And in the last 3 months things seem to have stalled.

I've made it clear that I want to get married again, that with a young child it's a priority for me. He was less emphatic about that but understood my position. He needs to move in the next year for his job and I explained that with children involved, we'd need to be engaged before I moved anywhere with my child. He's brought up multiple geographic locales; I entertain the conversations briefly but firmly circle back to my original position: no ring, no move. Sorry to be a hardliner, but I have a lucrative job that I enjoy here in Washington. DS's dad is (unfortunately) uninvolved so that does not prevent a move, but if/until I merge households my financial independence is crucial. Even after a merge, it's crucial. Anyway we've navigated the conversations with maturity and they've gone well. Now this.

Since I'll be asked, I'm high drive and our sex life is pretty intense. I might even be open to his suggestion somewhere down the road. But at 1 year, with kids involved, before we're permanently committed? I feel stung and like I may need to step back from all of this. I'm looking at the math and it's not adding up to the likelihood of success.

His answer when I asked why he sent me the article: "I was just sharing". Sure you were, buddy.

I know the answer here: this is what dating is for, move on, etc. People dating in their 40's with kids will get it: cutting bait at the year mark is sometimes necessary. But it sucks.

OP- you're discussing marriage and he's sending swingers promotions...and you guys haven't even been dating for a year + you both have minor children. I replied with a wait and see earlier, but on reflection, I think you are reading from two different books, and should probably cut things off.

[Anonymous]

I'd wait and see.

[Anonymous]

No no no no no. Don't waste any more time with this loser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:...and I'm not into it. Am also feeling sad, as it's yet another in a series of indicators that we're not on the same page.

We're both divorced parents; him x 7 years, me x 3 years. His kids are teens, I have one 6 yo DS. We've dated for a year, it's gone well, met each other's children around month 8. And in the last 3 months things seem to have stalled.

I've made it clear that I want to get married again, that with a young child it's a priority for me. He was less emphatic about that but understood my position. He needs to move in the next year for his job and I explained that with children involved, we'd need to be engaged before I moved anywhere with my child. He's brought up multiple geographic locales; I entertain the conversations briefly but firmly circle back to my original position: no ring, no move. Sorry to be a hardliner, but I have a lucrative job that I enjoy here in Washington. DS's dad is (unfortunately) uninvolved so that does not prevent a move, but if/until I merge households my financial independence is crucial. Even after a merge, it's crucial. Anyway we've navigated the conversations with maturity and they've gone well. Now this.

Since I'll be asked, I'm high drive and our sex life is pretty intense. I might even be open to his suggestion somewhere down the road. But at 1 year, with kids involved, before we're permanently committed? I feel stung and like I may need to step back from all of this. I'm looking at the math and it's not adding up to the likelihood of success.

His answer when I asked why he sent me the article: "I was just sharing". Sure you were, buddy.

I know the answer here: this is what dating is for, move on, etc. People dating in their 40's with kids will get it: cutting bait at the year mark is sometimes necessary. But it sucks.

Sorry you are going through this, but better you know now. If I was sent that article as anything other than a joke that would be it for me.

You deserve better.

That was the big red flag among many. She is doing what a single woman should, not wasting her time. Either he wants a commitment or not. Time to move on.

[Anonymous]

He wants to "share" more than the article. Move on (and get tested for STDs.)