Spouses who travel or move a lot for work- how do you deal?

[Anonymous]

I just wanted to show you some support OP. My husband works and travels very frequently and we have no family near. It is hard. Moving is frustrating too- the starting over. It sounds like DH has already taken the job so now you need to pick up the pieces and get things going on your end in finding a house and such. Since you can't change the situation, best to try and come to terms with it in a positive way.

If you can afford it, get a full service move, packing included. It makes moving WAY less stressful. Look at it as a new adventure and new opportunity to make friends. Put a positive spin on it for your kids' sake and maybe you might start thinking that way too about it.

And for those comparing this to the military- it isn't comparable. The military largely is its own family and adjusting is quite easy because there is so much help and programs in place for service members at new duty stations. Everyone is constantly coming and going. Plus since no one has family near and many are new, people seek out each other for to form their own support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes, I work. But even if I didn't work for pay, does that make my opinion and feelings any less valid? Checking into this post this evening, I'm surprised to see this post has taken this turn because of those who judge.

Every person in a family matters, regardless of pay. Or "status". How insulting for some of you to blast anyone having this issue without knowing the facts, or even assuming the facts, but choosing to make hurtful comments because that is what you assume or perceive.

Otherwise, I have gotten a lot of strength and support from those who posted who have lived this life, who don't judge or assume, or who have offered support. Kudos to you. It's a complicated issue.

A positive to moving away from the DMV is the larger assumption that money equals happiness, and that women should follow their husbands even if they don't work or don't make enough money. We all matter.

Wrong. If there is only one paycheck, you have to follow the money. It doesn’t have to be fair, it’s reality. I wish we could move back to my midsize hometown. But I SAH and DH’s field doesn’t really exist there. So we are here. It’s just reality.

Female, and I agree completely. And moreover, if one makes a lot more money than the other, and the family needs the higher salary, then you need to follow THAT money or get used to living on the lesser salary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately we are socially conditioned to believe that the man’s job is the priority and that the only contribution men have to make to the family is financial. This is a huge disservice to both men and women. OP, you have every right to be upset, and every right not to go with him.

I suggest reading “Drop the Ball” by Tiffany Dufu. It explains how to move past the outdated notions that men’s careers are he priority. Oh, and her husband was able to help run the household while living in another country, so you’ll get ideas on how your DH can contribute to the home long-distance.

If only one parent has a career, then you have to prioritize that career. Child-raising as a career can be done ANYWHERE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Doesn't matter if she works or not. I divorced my first husband because of this. He broke every agreement we had. After finally settling down and buying our dream home he came home one day telling me we were going to move out of the country. His company offered him a position overseas for 2-5 years. I put a plan in action to divorce him. Best thing I did. Got the home and ended up remarrying someone that was stable. Ex ended up changing jobs another 2-3 times and remarried 7 years ago. After he died I got his retirement. His widow didn't get much because of all the job changes. Said he had a lot of debt to.

OP very concerning your husband doesn't consult you. This is the bigger problem, only you can decide how long you want to put up with this. Will this be the last move? Will you like the area you are moving to? I would stipulate with your DH this is the last time you will be uprooted. Let him know if he pulls this again you and the kids won't be joining him. My ex was pretty upset and shocked when I followed through on my divorce plans. I guess he really thought I meekly do whatever HE decided in life. He was even more shocked when I met someone soon after, and remarried.

Someone that changes jobs that often isn't very stable. Like I said there's a lot more going on here and you may want to look out for your own future.

The days of people staying in jobs for a long time are long over, at least in this country. High performers or people with high ambition climb the corporate ladder.. and that means job change.

Changing jobs every 2-4 years and locations isn't a good thing. There isn't any success when you end up having to split all the assets and only seeing your kids 50% of the time. Sounds like OP's husband may not be able to keep a job, or has problems fitting in.

Your second statement is meant to support your first statement - Changing jobs every 2-4 years is not a good thing because you "have to split up assets and only see your kids 50% of the time." One is not a consequence of the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes, I work. But even if I didn't work for pay, does that make my opinion and feelings any less valid? Checking into this post this evening, I'm surprised to see this post has taken this turn because of those who judge.

Every person in a family matters, regardless of pay. Or "status". How insulting for some of you to blast anyone having this issue without knowing the facts, or even assuming the facts, but choosing to make hurtful comments because that is what you assume or perceive.

Otherwise, I have gotten a lot of strength and support from those who posted who have lived this life, who don't judge or assume, or who have offered support. Kudos to you. It's a complicated issue.

A positive to moving away from the DMV is the larger assumption that money equals happiness, and that women should follow their husbands even if they don't work or don't make enough money. We all matter.

Wrong. If there is only one paycheck, you have to follow the money. It doesn’t have to be fair, it’s reality. I wish we could move back to my midsize hometown. But I SAH and DH’s field doesn’t really exist there. So we are here. It’s just reality.

Ok. But if his job DID exist there, but he just doesn’t want to live there, would you have to live wherever he wants to live because he makes the money?
Presumably, the OP’s husband has a job in the DMV where he is currently employed. He just chose to take a different job requiring them to move either because he thinks it will be a good move or because he just likes the novelty of the new job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just wanted to show you some support OP. My husband works and travels very frequently and we have no family near. It is hard. Moving is frustrating too- the starting over. It sounds like DH has already taken the job so now you need to pick up the pieces and get things going on your end in finding a house and such. Since you can't change the situation, best to try and come to terms with it in a positive way.

If you can afford it, get a full service move, packing included. It makes moving WAY less stressful. Look at it as a new adventure and new opportunity to make friends. Put a positive spin on it for your kids' sake and maybe you might start thinking that way too about it.

And for those comparing this to the military- it isn't comparable. The military largely is its own family and adjusting is quite easy because there is so much help and programs in place for service members at new duty stations. Everyone is constantly coming and going. Plus since no one has family near and many are new, people seek out each other for to form their own support.

This is true overseas. It’s not true in the US unless you live on base/post and most do not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Female here, I'm the traveling breadwinner in the family. My husband has moved us twice in the last 3 years. And in the last 5 years, I've traveled between 20% to nearly 90% of the time.

It seems we have the worst of both worlds. Or the best - depending on how you look at it. We both just deal with it; we both love our jobs. Young kids can deal. We have both moved around a lot as kids, so it's not a big deal to us. It does suck to be far away from close friends, but in reality - even when we lived nearby, we hardly saw each other due to family constraints on both sides.

Based on what you've said in your post, there's a lot going on. I think you guys need counseling TBH. I think you need therapy. You're having a lot of crying spells? I think you need a hobby and stop feeling sorry for yourself. You mentioned you didn't want to move to be in the same city as him since you're under contract at a private school, and he travels anyway. I've never heard of a private school that doesn't let you out of a contract because of job relocation (unless maybe boarding school which I doubt applies to you, and even if it did, YOU need to freaking move already.) It sounds like you're making excuses to stay. Move. It doesn't matter if he travels most of the time anyway; it's one less place he needs to travel to, if you're all based in the same city.

It also sounds like you like the positives of his job, but can't deal with the bad stuff. That is, you like the money he brings in, but not the travel. Well the two often come together. If you really want him to prioritize family time (less travel, less moving), then $$$ would likely need to be sacrificed. Figure it out.

However, his recent job had a lot of change and he's been worried about job security, so he took a job in another State. It's the beginning of the school year, so the kids and I won't be able to join him for several more months because we need time to find a house to live in. (I don't want to rent a house because I don't want to risk having to change school districts once we buy, and we are also under contract at a private school). Also, it wouldn't make sense for the kids and I to move now anyway, since he will be traveling overseas 3 weeks a month for the next several months.

Uh huh

It's called raising strong, independent, resilient kids. Not little snowflakes.

NP, and if that’s your attitude towards the very real stressors many kids in this situation face, you’re more likely to raise anxious, unhappy kids. They may not show it to you, since they know you don’t care, but don’t fool yourself that your selfishness doesn’t harm them. Best case, they end up “successful” and emotionally callous as you are.

OP, I think it sucks, and it would be a deal-breaker for me. If you’ve not done so, you and he need to have a very serious conversation about what to do. Of course you’re crying a lot—it’s an awful situation! Whether you work or not makes no difference; you’re a family, and your husband needs to respect that if he wants it to remain intact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately we are socially conditioned to believe that the man’s job is the priority and that the only contribution men have to make to the family is financial. This is a huge disservice to both men and women. OP, you have every right to be upset, and every right not to go with him.

I suggest reading “Drop the Ball” by Tiffany Dufu. It explains how to move past the outdated notions that men’s careers are he priority. Oh, and her husband was able to help run the household while living in another country, so you’ll get ideas on how your DH can contribute to the home long-distance.

If only one parent has a career, then you have to prioritize that career. Child-raising as a career can be done ANYWHERE.

You prioritize that career if both people agree to prioritize the career. Many people choose to prioritize family, community, their marriage, or their children instead.

Like I said, many of us are conditioned to believe the man’s career is priority #1, but that’s simply not the case. Yes, you need enough money to survive, but their are many ways of accomplishing that besides moving and traveling frequently. If moving doesn’t work for one partner, regardless of whether they work or not, they have the right not to move.

It’s completely fine if both spouses agree that the move is what is best for the family. What’s not okay is one spouse deciding it is best and following through without consideration of their partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Female here, I'm the traveling breadwinner in the family. My husband has moved us twice in the last 3 years. And in the last 5 years, I've traveled between 20% to nearly 90% of the time.

It seems we have the worst of both worlds. Or the best - depending on how you look at it. We both just deal with it; we both love our jobs. Young kids can deal. We have both moved around a lot as kids, so it's not a big deal to us. It does suck to be far away from close friends, but in reality - even when we lived nearby, we hardly saw each other due to family constraints on both sides.

Based on what you've said in your post, there's a lot going on. I think you guys need counseling TBH. I think you need therapy. You're having a lot of crying spells? I think you need a hobby and stop feeling sorry for yourself. You mentioned you didn't want to move to be in the same city as him since you're under contract at a private school, and he travels anyway. I've never heard of a private school that doesn't let you out of a contract because of job relocation (unless maybe boarding school which I doubt applies to you, and even if it did, YOU need to freaking move already.) It sounds like you're making excuses to stay. Move. It doesn't matter if he travels most of the time anyway; it's one less place he needs to travel to, if you're all based in the same city.

It also sounds like you like the positives of his job, but can't deal with the bad stuff. That is, you like the money he brings in, but not the travel. Well the two often come together. If you really want him to prioritize family time (less travel, less moving), then $$$ would likely need to be sacrificed. Figure it out.

However, his recent job had a lot of change and he's been worried about job security, so he took a job in another State. It's the beginning of the school year, so the kids and I won't be able to join him for several more months because we need time to find a house to live in. (I don't want to rent a house because I don't want to risk having to change school districts once we buy, and we are also under contract at a private school). Also, it wouldn't make sense for the kids and I to move now anyway, since he will be traveling overseas 3 weeks a month for the next several months.

Uh huh

It's called raising strong, independent, resilient kids. Not little snowflakes.

NP, and if that’s your attitude towards the very real stressors many kids in this situation face, you’re more likely to raise anxious, unhappy kids. They may not show it to you, since they know you don’t care, but don’t fool yourself that your selfishness doesn’t harm them. Best case, they end up “successful” and emotionally callous as you are.

OP, I think it sucks, and it would be a deal-breaker for me. If you’ve not done so, you and he need to have a very serious conversation about what to do. Of course you’re crying a lot—it’s an awful situation! Whether you work or not makes no difference; you’re a family, and your husband needs to respect that if he wants it to remain intact.

Thanks, but I'm not the one being a crying, anxious, stressed out hot mess and then modeling that to my kids. That would be you. and the OP. (and newsflash - your kids are watching and they'll grow up thinking that's how they should be responding to life's curveballs.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Female here, I'm the traveling breadwinner in the family. My husband has moved us twice in the last 3 years. And in the last 5 years, I've traveled between 20% to nearly 90% of the time.

It seems we have the worst of both worlds. Or the best - depending on how you look at it. We both just deal with it; we both love our jobs. Young kids can deal. We have both moved around a lot as kids, so it's not a big deal to us. It does suck to be far away from close friends, but in reality - even when we lived nearby, we hardly saw each other due to family constraints on both sides.

Based on what you've said in your post, there's a lot going on. I think you guys need counseling TBH. I think you need therapy. You're having a lot of crying spells? I think you need a hobby and stop feeling sorry for yourself. You mentioned you didn't want to move to be in the same city as him since you're under contract at a private school, and he travels anyway. I've never heard of a private school that doesn't let you out of a contract because of job relocation (unless maybe boarding school which I doubt applies to you, and even if it did, YOU need to freaking move already.) It sounds like you're making excuses to stay. Move. It doesn't matter if he travels most of the time anyway; it's one less place he needs to travel to, if you're all based in the same city.

It also sounds like you like the positives of his job, but can't deal with the bad stuff. That is, you like the money he brings in, but not the travel. Well the two often come together. If you really want him to prioritize family time (less travel, less moving), then $$$ would likely need to be sacrificed. Figure it out.

However, his recent job had a lot of change and he's been worried about job security, so he took a job in another State. It's the beginning of the school year, so the kids and I won't be able to join him for several more months because we need time to find a house to live in. (I don't want to rent a house because I don't want to risk having to change school districts once we buy, and we are also under contract at a private school). Also, it wouldn't make sense for the kids and I to move now anyway, since he will be traveling overseas 3 weeks a month for the next several months.

Uh huh

It's called raising strong, independent, resilient kids. Not little snowflakes.

NP, and if that’s your attitude towards the very real stressors many kids in this situation face, you’re more likely to raise anxious, unhappy kids. They may not show it to you, since they know you don’t care, but don’t fool yourself that your selfishness doesn’t harm them. Best case, they end up “successful” and emotionally callous as you are.

OP, I think it sucks, and it would be a deal-breaker for me. If you’ve not done so, you and he need to have a very serious conversation about what to do. Of course you’re crying a lot—it’s an awful situation! Whether you work or not makes no difference; you’re a family, and your husband needs to respect that if he wants it to remain intact.

Thanks, but I'm not the one being a crying, anxious, stressed out hot mess and then modeling that to my kids. That would be you. and the OP. (and newsflash - your kids are watching and they'll grow up thinking that's how they should be responding to life's curveballs.)

Nope. I model appropriate emotion regulation and in general handle life’s curveballs well. You’re just mean. Your kids are watching that, too.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is a tough situation. a couple questions

--any chance you could become the higher earner, or enough to float the family? If you're more stable, might make sense for you to be the job anchor.
--curious about why he took a job out of state when he was still employed (albeit tenuously) here? Is his field that narrow? Did he search for a long time in the area? I'm trying to figure out whether he really needed to take this job, or wanted the change (as you sort of wondered), the cost to you be damned.
--the two of you need to have a bigger plan and set of priorities. For you, it is family, for him...? You need to have a plan B as well--what if this job doesn't work out? what other industry could he move into in order to be more flexible about location?

Finally, it sounds like you are going to spent the next year apart. That is really hard, with 3 kids. How often will he travel back? What kind of support system here do you have? How far is the new job? Sounds like a recipe for divorce or drifting apart unless managed well.

I would seriously consider whether he could do this job for a year, while seeking other opportunities in this area. I think its okay to be short term someplace if it clearly didnt work for your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just wanted to show you some support OP. My husband works and travels very frequently and we have no family near. It is hard. Moving is frustrating too- the starting over. It sounds like DH has already taken the job so now you need to pick up the pieces and get things going on your end in finding a house and such. Since you can't change the situation, best to try and come to terms with it in a positive way.

If you can afford it, get a full service move, packing included. It makes moving WAY less stressful. Look at it as a new adventure and new opportunity to make friends. Put a positive spin on it for your kids' sake and maybe you might start thinking that way too about it.

And for those comparing this to the military- it isn't comparable. The military largely is its own family and adjusting is quite easy because there is so much help and programs in place for service members at new duty stations. Everyone is constantly coming and going. Plus since no one has family near and many are new, people seek out each other for to form their own support.

This is true overseas. It’s not true in the US unless you live on base/post and most do not.

Disagree.
My brother is in the aF; their community is so strong domestically that they decided to stay in for the 20 years, and maybe beyond, plus had four kids, each born in a different state. They have very strong AF community, church community, kid school communities, etc. They are quite involved parents and social. But their AF family is awesome and always helpful if my brother is on a trip or they need help (new baby, SN kids, other help). Only once have they lived on base. They buy in good neighborhoods for the schools and community. Right now they live with a bunch of tech heads.

sIL is the sorority girl type so very good at building social capital and socializing with anyone she meets, so is my brother. Every move he finds a band to drum in, runs marathons, coaches baseball, drums/tympani in church band, hosts neighborhood pool parties, etc.
We see them for thanksgiving, usually at the beach or Disney since the kids are all u der age 7 still.
They put our social life and network of sitters to shame.

Main point: takes effort to build and rebuild a social network, grandparents fly in for bits of long travel sessions, get 2-4 babysitters at the ready.

[Anonymous]

And have friends, family, family friends come visit all around the year. Something to look FW to - visits or a trip somewhere.

[Anonymous]

The reasons people asked if you work are (a) moving frequently means you're likely also having to switch jobs with every move too. So each move is putting your combined household income at risk, which might outweigh the financial benefits of moving. And (b) if your husband was the sole breadwinner, there's more pressure on him constantly working, and for that to be the case, sometimes a move might be necessary to keep the income going.

That said, I agree that this sucks for you and the kids. But I feel like the time to have this conversation with him was before he decided to take this next job. It's a little late to pull the plug now. I think you need to say, "I'll do this move but that's it. No more. We need to stay put in one place till the kids are out of school. it's not good for us emotionally to keep moving."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just wanted to show you some support OP. My husband works and travels very frequently and we have no family near. It is hard. Moving is frustrating too- the starting over. It sounds like DH has already taken the job so now you need to pick up the pieces and get things going on your end in finding a house and such. Since you can't change the situation, best to try and come to terms with it in a positive way.

If you can afford it, get a full service move, packing included. It makes moving WAY less stressful. Look at it as a new adventure and new opportunity to make friends. Put a positive spin on it for your kids' sake and maybe you might start thinking that way too about it.

And for those comparing this to the military- it isn't comparable. The military largely is its own family and adjusting is quite easy because there is so much help and programs in place for service members at new duty stations. Everyone is constantly coming and going. Plus since no one has family near and many are new, people seek out each other for to form their own support.

This is true overseas. It’s not true in the US unless you live on base/post and most do not.

Disagree.
My brother is in the aF; their community is so strong domestically that they decided to stay in for the 20 years, and maybe beyond, plus had four kids, each born in a different state. They have very strong AF community, church community, kid school communities, etc. They are quite involved parents and social. But their AF family is awesome and always helpful if my brother is on a trip or they need help (new baby, SN kids, other help). Only once have they lived on base. They buy in good neighborhoods for the schools and community. Right now they live with a bunch of tech heads.

sIL is the sorority girl type so very good at building social capital and socializing with anyone she meets, so is my brother. Every move he finds a band to drum in, runs marathons, coaches baseball, drums/tympani in church band, hosts neighborhood pool parties, etc.
We see them for thanksgiving, usually at the beach or Disney since the kids are all u der age 7 still.
They put our social life and network of sitters to shame.

Main point: takes effort to build and rebuild a social network, grandparents fly in for bits of long travel sessions, get 2-4 babysitters at the ready.

You’re disagreeing with all the PPs who have actually lived through uprooting their careers and families and starting over in a strange place every 3 years based on the experiences of your brother? And because THEIR lives are perfect, none of the military-connected PPs here have any valid advice to offer the OP? My DH is active duty and our life is SO MUCH closer to OP’s description than anything you listed. Nothing you describe sounds familiar to me at all. I wish it did.

I do agree with you that joining a church community can be helpful for making friends in new cities.