Spouses who travel or move a lot for work- how do you deal?

[Anonymous]

Did he take the job against your wishes? If my DH did that, I wouldn’t be moving with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you work, OP?

That should be the first question.

It is ok to feel sad about moving a lot. But if you don't work OP, it is very selfish of you to resent your spouse for doing what he thinks he has to do to put food on the table, even if he is wrong.

So, if she works, then she shouldn’t move? What if she makes enough to put food on the table, but living on just her salary would mean a smaller house and older cars? What if she’s ok with that in order to stay near family and friends, but he isn’t?

No, but if she works full time she has a stronger leg to stand on when objecting to moving the family. Since she didn’t mention her job and hasn’t returned she likely doesn’t work and/or is a troll.

Signed,
A SAHM

Why does she have a stronger leg to stand on when it comes to moving the family if she works? I know that people seem to think this is obvious, but I don’t get it. Whether or not she has a strong leg to stand on has to do with their relationship status and whether or not he respects her opinion or cares about her happiness. It has nothing to do with her employment status.

Signed,
A WOHM

[Anonymous]

OP here. Yes, I work. But even if I didn't work for pay, does that make my opinion and feelings any less valid? Checking into this post this evening, I'm surprised to see this post has taken this turn because of those who judge.

Every person in a family matters, regardless of pay. Or "status". How insulting for some of you to blast anyone having this issue without knowing the facts, or even assuming the facts, but choosing to make hurtful comments because that is what you assume or perceive.

Otherwise, I have gotten a lot of strength and support from those who posted who have lived this life, who don't judge or assume, or who have offered support. Kudos to you. It's a complicated issue.

A positive to moving away from the DMV is the larger assumption that money equals happiness, and that women should follow their husbands even if they don't work or don't make enough money. We all matter.

[Anonymous]

I went through this at one point when my children were in ES where we moved 3 times cross country in 6 years. Twice my husband was out ahead of us for 5-6 months and that was hard for many reasons as we’d only see him every other weekend. But it worked out fine as my children became very resilient and learned to adapt to new places. I’m very outgoing so I just got quickly involved in the schools and the towns. Fortunately when they got to MS and HS we settled in one area. The career moves were great for my husband. Now we have had roots planted for almost 20 years and it’s been very nice.

[Anonymous]

Doesn't matter if she works or not. I divorced my first husband because of this. He broke every agreement we had. After finally settling down and buying our dream home he came home one day telling me we were going to move out of the country. His company offered him a position overseas for 2-5 years. I put a plan in action to divorce him. Best thing I did. Got the home and ended up remarrying someone that was stable. Ex ended up changing jobs another 2-3 times and remarried 7 years ago. After he died I got his retirement. His widow didn't get much because of all the job changes. Said he had a lot of debt to.

OP very concerning your husband doesn't consult you. This is the bigger problem, only you can decide how long you want to put up with this. Will this be the last move? Will you like the area you are moving to? I would stipulate with your DH this is the last time you will be uprooted. Let him know if he pulls this again you and the kids won't be joining him. My ex was pretty upset and shocked when I followed through on my divorce plans. I guess he really thought I meekly do whatever HE decided in life. He was even more shocked when I met someone soon after, and remarried.

Someone that changes jobs that often isn't very stable. Like I said there's a lot more going on here and you may want to look out for your own future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Doesn't matter if she works or not. I divorced my first husband because of this. He broke every agreement we had. After finally settling down and buying our dream home he came home one day telling me we were going to move out of the country. His company offered him a position overseas for 2-5 years. I put a plan in action to divorce him. Best thing I did. Got the home and ended up remarrying someone that was stable. Ex ended up changing jobs another 2-3 times and remarried 7 years ago. After he died I got his retirement. His widow didn't get much because of all the job changes. Said he had a lot of debt to.

OP very concerning your husband doesn't consult you. This is the bigger problem, only you can decide how long you want to put up with this. Will this be the last move? Will you like the area you are moving to? I would stipulate with your DH this is the last time you will be uprooted. Let him know if he pulls this again you and the kids won't be joining him. My ex was pretty upset and shocked when I followed through on my divorce plans. I guess he really thought I meekly do whatever HE decided in life. He was even more shocked when I met someone soon after, and remarried.

Someone that changes jobs that often isn't very stable. Like I said there's a lot more going on here and you may want to look out for your own future.

The days of people staying in jobs for a long time are long over, at least in this country. High performers or people with high ambition climb the corporate ladder.. and that means job change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Female here, I'm the traveling breadwinner in the family. My husband has moved us twice in the last 3 years. And in the last 5 years, I've traveled between 20% to nearly 90% of the time.

It seems we have the worst of both worlds. Or the best - depending on how you look at it. We both just deal with it; we both love our jobs. Young kids can deal. We have both moved around a lot as kids, so it's not a big deal to us. It does suck to be far away from close friends, but in reality - even when we lived nearby, we hardly saw each other due to family constraints on both sides.

Based on what you've said in your post, there's a lot going on. I think you guys need counseling TBH. I think you need therapy. You're having a lot of crying spells? I think you need a hobby and stop feeling sorry for yourself. You mentioned you didn't want to move to be in the same city as him since you're under contract at a private school, and he travels anyway. I've never heard of a private school that doesn't let you out of a contract because of job relocation (unless maybe boarding school which I doubt applies to you, and even if it did, YOU need to freaking move already.) It sounds like you're making excuses to stay. Move. It doesn't matter if he travels most of the time anyway; it's one less place he needs to travel to, if you're all based in the same city.

It also sounds like you like the positives of his job, but can't deal with the bad stuff. That is, you like the money he brings in, but not the travel. Well the two often come together. If you really want him to prioritize family time (less travel, less moving), then $$$ would likely need to be sacrificed. Figure it out.

However, his recent job had a lot of change and he's been worried about job security, so he took a job in another State. It's the beginning of the school year, so the kids and I won't be able to join him for several more months because we need time to find a house to live in. (I don't want to rent a house because I don't want to risk having to change school districts once we buy, and we are also under contract at a private school). Also, it wouldn't make sense for the kids and I to move now anyway, since he will be traveling overseas 3 weeks a month for the next several months.

Uh huh

It's called raising strong, independent, resilient kids. Not little snowflakes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes, I work. But even if I didn't work for pay, does that make my opinion and feelings any less valid? Checking into this post this evening, I'm surprised to see this post has taken this turn because of those who judge.

Every person in a family matters, regardless of pay. Or "status". How insulting for some of you to blast anyone having this issue without knowing the facts, or even assuming the facts, but choosing to make hurtful comments because that is what you assume or perceive.

Otherwise, I have gotten a lot of strength and support from those who posted who have lived this life, who don't judge or assume, or who have offered support. Kudos to you. It's a complicated issue.

A positive to moving away from the DMV is the larger assumption that money equals happiness, and that women should follow their husbands even if they don't work or don't make enough money. We all matter.

We move a lot - longest we've been in one place was the last 4 years - before that it was 6 moves in 10 years, to include international. But it's all done with open discussion and agreement. Of course financial security and job stability may require a move - that's something only you and your husband can agree upon, however. We're in the process of deciding whether we'll move in a couple of more years to a city that most people would consider a very plum assignment. It would be good money-wise, but there are family concerns that may override the other positives.

It's all about talking it over and being transparent about your feelings. You can't shove them down in favor of your partner's desires, but sometimes you do have acknowledge that your feelings on the issue might not be the final answer. Only you can say where you are in the process.

[Anonymous]

Welcome to the life of those in the military. I am the daughter of a career military person. I can't count the number of times we moved and the number of schools I attended. My dad was gone a lot. Two tours to Viet Nam and more TDYs than I can count.
The advantage is that I learned about the US by living it. I learned how to make new friends. The biggest drawback is that I have no close friends from my youth because we weren't stationed anywhere long enough to form close friendships.

It is what it is. Kids adapt with the help of their parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes, I work. But even if I didn't work for pay, does that make my opinion and feelings any less valid? Checking into this post this evening, I'm surprised to see this post has taken this turn because of those who judge.

Every person in a family matters, regardless of pay. Or "status". How insulting for some of you to blast anyone having this issue without knowing the facts, or even assuming the facts, but choosing to make hurtful comments because that is what you assume or perceive.

Otherwise, I have gotten a lot of strength and support from those who posted who have lived this life, who don't judge or assume, or who have offered support. Kudos to you. It's a complicated issue.

A positive to moving away from the DMV is the larger assumption that money equals happiness, and that women should follow their husbands even if they don't work or don't make enough money. We all matter.

Wrong. If there is only one paycheck, you have to follow the money. It doesn’t have to be fair, it’s reality. I wish we could move back to my midsize hometown. But I SAH and DH’s field doesn’t really exist there. So we are here. It’s just reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Doesn't matter if she works or not. I divorced my first husband because of this. He broke every agreement we had. After finally settling down and buying our dream home he came home one day telling me we were going to move out of the country. His company offered him a position overseas for 2-5 years. I put a plan in action to divorce him. Best thing I did. Got the home and ended up remarrying someone that was stable. Ex ended up changing jobs another 2-3 times and remarried 7 years ago. After he died I got his retirement. His widow didn't get much because of all the job changes. Said he had a lot of debt to.

OP very concerning your husband doesn't consult you. This is the bigger problem, only you can decide how long you want to put up with this. Will this be the last move? Will you like the area you are moving to? I would stipulate with your DH this is the last time you will be uprooted. Let him know if he pulls this again you and the kids won't be joining him. My ex was pretty upset and shocked when I followed through on my divorce plans. I guess he really thought I meekly do whatever HE decided in life. He was even more shocked when I met someone soon after, and remarried.

Someone that changes jobs that often isn't very stable. Like I said there's a lot more going on here and you may want to look out for your own future.

The days of people staying in jobs for a long time are long over, at least in this country. High performers or people with high ambition climb the corporate ladder.. and that means job change.

Changing jobs every 2-4 years and locations isn't a good thing. There isn't any success when you end up having to split all the assets and only seeing your kids 50% of the time. Sounds like OP's husband may not be able to keep a job, or has problems fitting in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes, I work. But even if I didn't work for pay, does that make my opinion and feelings any less valid? Checking into this post this evening, I'm surprised to see this post has taken this turn because of those who judge.

Every person in a family matters, regardless of pay. Or "status". How insulting for some of you to blast anyone having this issue without knowing the facts, or even assuming the facts, but choosing to make hurtful comments because that is what you assume or perceive.

Otherwise, I have gotten a lot of strength and support from those who posted who have lived this life, who don't judge or assume, or who have offered support. Kudos to you. It's a complicated issue.

A positive to moving away from the DMV is the larger assumption that money equals happiness, and that women should follow their husbands even if they don't work or don't make enough money. We all matter.

Wrong. If there is only one paycheck, you have to follow the money. It doesn’t have to be fair, it’s reality. I wish we could move back to my midsize hometown. But I SAH and DH’s field doesn’t really exist there. So we are here. It’s just reality.

I wasn't working. My lawyer told me not to get a job while the divorce was going through. I ended up with the home and half the retirement. At 62 I will get the life annuity from that marriage. I got a job afterwards and met my 2nd husband. If he doesn't consult her and this continues of course she should divorce him. That's no way to live, not fair to the kids either. At least they would be able to stay in one school district.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately we are socially conditioned to believe that the man’s job is the priority and that the only contribution men have to make to the family is financial. This is a huge disservice to both men and women. OP, you have every right to be upset, and every right not to go with him.

I suggest reading “Drop the Ball” by Tiffany Dufu. It explains how to move past the outdated notions that men’s careers are he priority. Oh, and her husband was able to help run the household while living in another country, so you’ll get ideas on how your DH can contribute to the home long-distance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did he take the job against your wishes? If my DH did that, I wouldn’t be moving with him.

This is the detail that matters most to me. When DH decided on a career path that may or may not require frequent moves (it hasn't so far), it was a decision we made together. I agreed to it and we talked about what that would mean for our family. We were both on board and even made a detailed list of locations we would be willing to accept a job, locations that were an absolute no, and then a maybe list. Unless you're leaving a lot out of your OP, it doesn't sound like you had an agreement with your spouse. I agree with PP that you two need counseling. You're not making decisions together. That is not a road you want to keep going down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you work, OP?

That should be the first question.

It is ok to feel sad about moving a lot. But if you don't work OP, it is very selfish of you to resent your spouse for doing what he thinks he has to do to put food on the table, even if he is wrong.

So, if she works, then she shouldn’t move? What if she makes enough to put food on the table, but living on just her salary would mean a smaller house and older cars? What if she’s ok with that in order to stay near family and friends, but he isn’t?

No, but if she works full time she has a stronger leg to stand on when objecting to moving the family. Since she didn’t mention her job and hasn’t returned she likely doesn’t work and/or is a troll.

Signed,
A SAHM

Why does she have a stronger leg to stand on when it comes to moving the family if she works? I know that people seem to think this is obvious, but I don’t get it. Whether or not she has a strong leg to stand on has to do with their relationship status and whether or not he respects her opinion or cares about her happiness. It has nothing to do with her employment status.

Signed,
A WOHM

Agree. I moved all the time thinking it was fair since I didn’t work. But really, had we stayed put, I could have actually had a career. My resume already screamed “she won’t be here long” before we even had kids. There’s a reason military spouses are notoriously unemployed and underemployed.

The only advice I have for OP is to be honest with yourself and your spouse. In my case, we should not have gotten married or he should have gotten out of military early on. Transient lives sound exciting when you’re 25 with no kids. Reality is different, and it’s really cruel for some kids.