Spouses who travel or move a lot for work- how do you deal?

[Anonymous]

My spouse is constantly traveling for work, and also tends to change jobs every 2-4 years. The last time we moved, I said that would be the last move. It had been hard uprooting every couple of years and having to make new friends over and over. This last job was supposed to be it, so I really settled in this time.

However, his recent job had a lot of change and he's been worried about job security, so he took a job in another State. It's the beginning of the school year, so the kids and I won't be able to join him for several more months because we need time to find a house to live in. (I don't want to rent a house because I don't want to risk having to change school districts once we buy, and we are also under contract at a private school). Also, it wouldn't make sense for the kids and I to move now anyway, since he will be traveling overseas 3 weeks a month for the next several months.

Anyway, I'm having a lot of crying spells. I feel sad about moving, especially since we'll be moving away from some of my family in the DMV area. We have three kids, and I have expended a great deal of energy after we moved here 3 years ago to get them involved, schedule playdates, reach out to other families, join a church- basically, I created the nice life we are living here in the DMV and now the rug has been pulled out from under me once again. I don't have the energy to restart again. And I'm mad at DH.

I feel resentful toward DH, but I also don't want him to miss a great job opportunity with more money. I love him a great deal and the optimist in me hopes he took this job for security for our family, and not just because he enjoys the thrill of changing jobs. Either way, I'm just so angry and sad, I don't even see how I will be able to get through the next school year while he is traveling without unleashing on him every time he calls to check in.

How do spouses get through times apart like this? How do you maintain a strong marriage?

[Anonymous]

Do you ever have any say in whether he takes a new job or not, or veto power for locations? What's his criteria for finally feeling like he's settled somewhere?

I have lots of empathy but not much unique advice, unfortunately. FaceTime, Skype. Keep busy. Keep the kids routines the same. Try to see each other as much as possible. Try to keep your career intact, if you've managed to maintain one after moving so often.

DH retired from active duty military last year which means we're finally staying in one place, but our entire married life has generally been what you describe, moving every 2-3 years. We always discussed which jobs he should go after and which locations to request, and we talked through the pros and cons of everything under the sun. And we made the best of things when we didn't like our options, because if we hated a place, we knew it wasn't going to be permanent. In our case, the military was always the one forcing us to move, so it made it easier not to blame DH. There was always a big nameless force that made us move or risk being court-martialed, so while I was sometimes sad and angry about moving, it wasn't directed at him. The light at the end of the tunnel was his retirement and getting to move on with our lives, so each move was just another step closer to being "done". Finding a way not to be resentful is important, as well as figuring out what the end-game is.

[Anonymous]

I suggest you stay where you are and have him visit.

[Anonymous]

I'm the spouse who travels a lot for work. If DH had a problem, he'd say something. We talk about moving across the country sometimes, but it's not happening now.

[Anonymous]

Do you work, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you work, OP?

That should be the first question.

It is ok to feel sad about moving a lot. But if you don't work OP, it is very selfish of you to resent your spouse for doing what he thinks he has to do to put food on the table, even if he is wrong.

[Anonymous]

Female here, I'm the traveling breadwinner in the family. My husband has moved us twice in the last 3 years. And in the last 5 years, I've traveled between 20% to nearly 90% of the time.

It seems we have the worst of both worlds. Or the best - depending on how you look at it. We both just deal with it; we both love our jobs. Young kids can deal. We have both moved around a lot as kids, so it's not a big deal to us. It does suck to be far away from close friends, but in reality - even when we lived nearby, we hardly saw each other due to family constraints on both sides.

Based on what you've said in your post, there's a lot going on. I think you guys need counseling TBH. I think you need therapy. You're having a lot of crying spells? I think you need a hobby and stop feeling sorry for yourself. You mentioned you didn't want to move to be in the same city as him since you're under contract at a private school, and he travels anyway. I've never heard of a private school that doesn't let you out of a contract because of job relocation (unless maybe boarding school which I doubt applies to you, and even if it did, YOU need to freaking move already.) It sounds like you're making excuses to stay. Move. It doesn't matter if he travels most of the time anyway; it's one less place he needs to travel to, if you're all based in the same city.

It also sounds like you like the positives of his job, but can't deal with the bad stuff. That is, you like the money he brings in, but not the travel. Well the two often come together. If you really want him to prioritize family time (less travel, less moving), then $$$ would likely need to be sacrificed. Figure it out.

However, his recent job had a lot of change and he's been worried about job security, so he took a job in another State. It's the beginning of the school year, so the kids and I won't be able to join him for several more months because we need time to find a house to live in. (I don't want to rent a house because I don't want to risk having to change school districts once we buy, and we are also under contract at a private school). Also, it wouldn't make sense for the kids and I to move now anyway, since he will be traveling overseas 3 weeks a month for the next several months.

[Anonymous]

This situation sounds really awful. I don’t know how you tolerate it except that you must feel that you have no other options.

Some of the medical residents I work with are married with kids. They moved their spouses for medical school, then some spent most of the last two years doing rotations out of state. Then they move again for residency and are gone 80-100 hours/wk. Many move again after a few years for fellowship, then again when they graduate. They don’t travel, but aren’t home much. I don’t know how their spouses handle it, particularly the ones with children who are moving far from family. It seems desperately lonely.

As brutal as medical residency can be, I often think that being the spouse seems far harder. At least with residency, you are doing what you wanted to do. But no one wants to raise their children solo with no support from family or friends and only minimal support from a partner. That sucks.

Truthfully, if I were in your situation, I would probably be very resentful of all of the moves. I would probably have thoughts that I wish he would die and leave me with the insurance money, full custody of the kids, and the freedom to live near people who would love me and help me.

[Anonymous]

We set long-term goals with the knowledge that there will be some bumps along the way. OP, I had a move years ago where I felt like you. I was so sad, and so exhausted by the thought of starting over somewhere I didn't want to be. I had to make the decision to put my head down and make the best of it. I'm not a naturally optimistic person so it was hard. We reset our goals and have been working toward a move that is a little more in my favor (the last one was better for my husband.)

[Anonymous]

I'm.sorry op, it's hard. We have a complex situation too. we have moved twice for my job, first to a place we loved (but job sucked) second to a place we are trying hard to like. DH works from home and travels alot. I can't complain about his travel since I'm the reason for it (he retains the job he had before moves).my field is narrow, so new jobs require moves

We decided we would give this a few years and assess. If nothing amazing comes up, we will go back to the first city, or DH will find a local job, so we can end the commute for him. Right now, we need both incomes and neither of us is the clear breadwinner but I am younger.

We get through it by acknowledging it's hard, expressing appreciation and being open to change, including one of us deciding it's not worth it.we also decided that when push comes to shove, our family comes first

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you work, OP?

That should be the first question.

It is ok to feel sad about moving a lot. But if you don't work OP, it is very selfish of you to resent your spouse for doing what he thinks he has to do to put food on the table, even if he is wrong.

So, if she works, then she shouldn’t move? What if she makes enough to put food on the table, but living on just her salary would mean a smaller house and older cars? What if she’s ok with that in order to stay near family and friends, but he isn’t?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Female here, I'm the traveling breadwinner in the family. My husband has moved us twice in the last 3 years. And in the last 5 years, I've traveled between 20% to nearly 90% of the time.

It seems we have the worst of both worlds. Or the best - depending on how you look at it. We both just deal with it; we both love our jobs. Young kids can deal. We have both moved around a lot as kids, so it's not a big deal to us. It does suck to be far away from close friends, but in reality - even when we lived nearby, we hardly saw each other due to family constraints on both sides.

Based on what you've said in your post, there's a lot going on. I think you guys need counseling TBH. I think you need therapy. You're having a lot of crying spells? I think you need a hobby and stop feeling sorry for yourself. You mentioned you didn't want to move to be in the same city as him since you're under contract at a private school, and he travels anyway. I've never heard of a private school that doesn't let you out of a contract because of job relocation (unless maybe boarding school which I doubt applies to you, and even if it did, YOU need to freaking move already.) It sounds like you're making excuses to stay. Move. It doesn't matter if he travels most of the time anyway; it's one less place he needs to travel to, if you're all based in the same city.

It also sounds like you like the positives of his job, but can't deal with the bad stuff. That is, you like the money he brings in, but not the travel. Well the two often come together. If you really want him to prioritize family time (less travel, less moving), then $$$ would likely need to be sacrificed. Figure it out.

However, his recent job had a lot of change and he's been worried about job security, so he took a job in another State. It's the beginning of the school year, so the kids and I won't be able to join him for several more months because we need time to find a house to live in. (I don't want to rent a house because I don't want to risk having to change school districts once we buy, and we are also under contract at a private school). Also, it wouldn't make sense for the kids and I to move now anyway, since he will be traveling overseas 3 weeks a month for the next several months.

Uh huh

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse is constantly traveling for work, and also tends to change jobs every 2-4 years. The last time we moved, I said that would be the last move. It had been hard uprooting every couple of years and having to make new friends over and over. This last job was supposed to be it, so I really settled in this time.

However, his recent job had a lot of change and he's been worried about job security, so he took a job in another State. It's the beginning of the school year, so the kids and I won't be able to join him for several more months because we need time to find a house to live in. (I don't want to rent a house because I don't want to risk having to change school districts once we buy, and we are also under contract at a private school). Also, it wouldn't make sense for the kids and I to move now anyway, since he will be traveling overseas 3 weeks a month for the next several months.

Anyway, I'm having a lot of crying spells. I feel sad about moving, especially since we'll be moving away from some of my family in the DMV area. We have three kids, and I have expended a great deal of energy after we moved here 3 years ago to get them involved, schedule playdates, reach out to other families, join a church- basically, I created the nice life we are living here in the DMV and now the rug has been pulled out from under me once again. I don't have the energy to restart again. And I'm mad at DH.

I feel resentful toward DH, but I also don't want him to miss a great job opportunity with more money. I love him a great deal and the optimist in me hopes he took this job for security for our family, and not just because he enjoys the thrill of changing jobs. Either way, I'm just so angry and sad, I don't even see how I will be able to get through the next school year while he is traveling without unleashing on him every time he calls to check in.


How do spouses get through times apart like this? How do you maintain a strong marriage?

OP, this sentence jumped out at me from your post. I think you should have an honest conversation with your husband about your priorities as a family. Do both of you value time together and stability enough to compromise on lifestyle and/or pursuing career goals. It seems like you might be torn about the lifestyle aspect of having a high-earning spouse and it's not clear if your husband really needs to take such demanding jobs because of job insecurity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you work, OP?

That should be the first question.

It is ok to feel sad about moving a lot. But if you don't work OP, it is very selfish of you to resent your spouse for doing what he thinks he has to do to put food on the table, even if he is wrong.

So, if she works, then she shouldn’t move? What if she makes enough to put food on the table, but living on just her salary would mean a smaller house and older cars? What if she’s ok with that in order to stay near family and friends, but he isn’t?

No, but if she works full time she has a stronger leg to stand on when objecting to moving the family. Since she didn’t mention her job and hasn’t returned she likely doesn’t work and/or is a troll.

Signed,
A SAHM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you work, OP?

That should be the first question.

It is ok to feel sad about moving a lot. But if you don't work OP, it is very selfish of you to resent your spouse for doing what he thinks he has to do to put food on the table, even if he is wrong.

This is absurd. If OP doesn't work, it's because she's decided to take on an outsized role in caring for the well-being of their children. Unless there is absolutely no opportunities for her DH to find a job without moving, considerations like stability in schools and friend groups for the kids and the OP's mental and emotional well-being are also important factors.

FTR, I travel and have changed jobs frequently...I also chose to live apart from DH for a while owing to an amazing professional opportunity. But since we've had kids, providing stability in their home life has been a high priority for us. I turned down a much higher paying job to preserve that.