Question about boundary stompers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are a lot of people right now are very vocal about setting up 'boundaries' for really weird reasons that are part of the narcissistic culture that is predominate in the US. Everyone I've met who has had to set up 'boundaries' with a parent has been emotionally insecure and immature. When I meet someone who has had to set up boundaries for a real reason, then maybe my opinion will change.

No, boundaries are not a new thing at all. There wasn’t always a term for it though (or the term wasn’t used less frequently).

A classic example is newlyweds who have family constantly stopping by without calling. They tell family they need to call first- which is a boundary. A tale as old as time, really. And doing such is not immature or “emotionally insecure” in the least.

Agreed. It is actually mature to set boundaries.

As long as the newlyweds have respected the boundaries of their parents. Otherwise it is emotionally insecure and narcissistic. Stop assuming that you can walk into your parents’ home without notice or knocking; stop assuming that your parents are willing and able to help you whenever you need something; stop looking to your parents for approval; etc.

Just my experience as an older person - the boundary stompers are usually the adult children.

This last post! People on this forum are constantly complaining about their parents not helping or being involved. Those with no family locally never complain about missing family but rather that they have no family to help them.

My boundary-stomping family lives wayyy on the other side of the country, and I am EXTREMELY glad of it!

But it's kind of funny. The way you're trying to "prove" based on irrelevant and inapposite data that somebody is incorrect when they claim a boundary is being violated, is so very very boundary stomping!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Parents who have financially dependent adult children are usually the worst boundary offenders. Adults need to be ok with the idea that they might make Mommy & Daddy mad. That is what is expected to happen, occasionally, in adult relationships. People get mad, they adjust their expectations and their own behavior.. the relationship see saws a bit. If you aren't dependent on your parent's help, especially financially, you will be more likely to have their respect as an equal adult. Respect means people decide it's worth tweaking their own behavior rather than do damage to the relationship.

This X100. My parents were like drug pushers when it came to money. They were constantly trying to fund things for me but I knew it would come strings. I turned them down again and again. Money was power to them. They could not form relationships with others without creating some power dynamic that put them in control. My sister was not as strong willed and they have made her miserable.

To make matters worse, the money they "gave" turned out to come with debt. They gave her the downpayment for a home in a housing development that they owned and co-signed the mortgage in both their names. At some point, they refinanced with lower rates but kept the cash out so my sister ended up paying them back at that time for the downpayment. The house has since lost value because it is not in a strong market. Sister is now stuck with the larger mortgage in a devaluing house in an area that she would have never chosen. From my parents perspective, they gave her a house and she owes them. From my sister's point of view she is sitting on a pile of debt in a house she can't sell and doesn't want. You could say that she should have never taken it but offering a recent college grad at age 22 their own 2500 sq ft home is hard for someone young to turn down.

Yes. This is how I came to be able to tell the difference between boundary stomping, and a well-meaning person who just needs a different kind of communication style. One relative I have will STILL to this day make a huge deal about a $100 item she bought for my sister almost THIRTY YEARS AGO as a way to prove how "wonderful" she was to her, and disprove the intervening decades of awfulness. Another relative I have has been extremely generous to me and is just generally very difficult to get along with due to personal quirks, but never in a million years has even suggested there are any strings attached to the money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are a lot of people right now are very vocal about setting up 'boundaries' for really weird reasons that are part of the narcissistic culture that is predominate in the US. Everyone I've met who has had to set up 'boundaries' with a parent has been emotionally insecure and immature. When I meet someone who has had to set up boundaries for a real reason, then maybe my opinion will change.

No, boundaries are not a new thing at all. There wasn’t always a term for it though (or the term wasn’t used less frequently).

A classic example is newlyweds who have family constantly stopping by without calling. They tell family they need to call first- which is a boundary. A tale as old as time, really. And doing such is not immature or “emotionally insecure” in the least.

Agreed. It is actually mature to set boundaries.

As long as the newlyweds have respected the boundaries of their parents. Otherwise it is emotionally insecure and narcissistic. Stop assuming that you can walk into your parents’ home without notice or knocking; stop assuming that your parents are willing and able to help you whenever you need something; stop looking to your parents for approval; etc.

Just my experience as an older person - the boundary stompers are usually the adult children.

This last post! People on this forum are constantly complaining about their parents not helping or being involved. Those with no family locally never complain about missing family but rather that they have no family to help them.

My boundary-stomping family lives wayyy on the other side of the country, and I am EXTREMELY glad of it!

But it's kind of funny. The way you're trying to "prove" based on irrelevant and inapposite data that somebody is incorrect when they claim a boundary is being violated, is so very very boundary stomping!

I am not denying anyone’s experience of being “boundary stomped” - I am simply noting which generation I see “stomping boundaries” the most and it’s the generation of young parents.

And your anecdotal comment, thinking that if you don’t do it than no one does - is definitely boundary stomping. Does no one else have a right to opinions and observations but you? Are you this diminishing in real life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
The people who resent boundaries are usually narcissistic boundary stompers. Think about it. If someone says "no that's not a good time for me" why would you want to bother them? If someone prefers you only visit for a week, not 2, why on earth would you insist on 2| People have jobs, stresors, a million things going on. it takes a whole lot of self-absorption to assume the world revolves around you.


Absolutely. If you don't want to hear the word "boundary" then don't keep ignoring other people's feelings or statements and put them in position where they have to say it to you. It only comes up because some people refuse to take into consideration other people's concerns and put themselves first.

+10000 I ever understand what people meant by others crossing boundaries until I interacted with DH's aunt. She is an evil combination of a narcissist and a moocher. Saying no to her is taken as a personal offense and she doubles down on badgering, manipulating and being obsessed with whatever said no about to her. We finally had to cut all contact with her when she kept escalating.

With all the other relatives, everything is fine. DH and I are actually pretty flexible and have no problem compromising. The difference is that they do not push if it is something that we either really do not want to do or can't do. They don't take advantage of our willingness to compromise. They do not make unreasonable demands or try to inject themselves inappropriately into our lives.

If you are hearing the word "boundary" from someone else then you need to step back and realize that you have been pretty darn rude and inappropriate for the other party to get the point of having to sit you down and say no more. It doesn't matter one bit that you THINK you are just giving love and want to surround their children with a circle of love. You're not. You're hyper focused on your own entitlement and wants. You're toxic and the kids are better off without you being around them.

This is probably the best and most illustrative line in this whole thread.

I don't have much of a problem with family overstepping boundaries, but I did have a friend years ago whose boundary crossing was out of control. She had been laid off of her job and had been out of work for months. She had sent me her resume and asked if I would refer her to a couple of roles at my company. Although she was not qualified or a fit for any of them, I wanted to help out a friend in need and submitted her resume through the official referal channels.

When she never heard back from any recruiters for the role, she asked whether I would look in the system give her the names of the hiring managers so she could contact them directly. This is a strict no-no at my company, and since I was listed as her referal, they would have known I had broken company policy. Either way, she didn't even have 25% of the qualifications needed for these roles - they wanted an MA or PhD and someone with 20+ years of experience in the industry; she has a BA and zero years of experience in the industry.

I told her I was unable to give her the managers' names. To PP's point and the line I bolded above, she began telling me that she just wanted to make sure she'd get hired so I would get the referal bonus, that was her only intent. Again, I declined due to company policy. Over the next few weeks, she emailed and texted me daily asking me to hand over the names; each time I refused; each time she reminded me of the sweet referal bonus I'd be missing out on.

To OP's original question - our friendship fizzled. I'm sure she thought what she was doing herself a favor by being persistent and "just networking." On my end, it created a great deal of stress and revealed an overly agressive personality that I simply didn't want to associate with anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are a lot of people right now are very vocal about setting up 'boundaries' for really weird reasons that are part of the narcissistic culture that is predominate in the US. Everyone I've met who has had to set up 'boundaries' with a parent has been emotionally insecure and immature. When I meet someone who has had to set up boundaries for a real reason, then maybe my opinion will change.

No, boundaries are not a new thing at all. There wasn’t always a term for it though (or the term wasn’t used less frequently).

A classic example is newlyweds who have family constantly stopping by without calling. They tell family they need to call first- which is a boundary. A tale as old as time, really. And doing such is not immature or “emotionally insecure” in the least.

Agreed. It is actually mature to set boundaries.

As long as the newlyweds have respected the boundaries of their parents. Otherwise it is emotionally insecure and narcissistic. Stop assuming that you can walk into your parents’ home without notice or knocking; stop assuming that your parents are willing and able to help you whenever you need something; stop looking to your parents for approval; etc.

Just my experience as an older person - the boundary stompers are usually the adult children.

This last post! People on this forum are constantly complaining about their parents not helping or being involved. Those with no family locally never complain about missing family but rather that they have no family to help them.

My boundary-stomping family lives wayyy on the other side of the country, and I am EXTREMELY glad of it!

But it's kind of funny. The way you're trying to "prove" based on irrelevant and inapposite data that somebody is incorrect when they claim a boundary is being violated, is so very very boundary stomping!

I am not denying anyone’s experience of being “boundary stomped” - I am simply noting which generation I see “stomping boundaries” the most and it’s the generation of young parents.

And your anecdotal comment, thinking that if you don’t do it than no one does - is definitely boundary stomping. Does no one else have a right to opinions and observations but you? Are you this diminishing in real life?

whatever. you're clearly projecting your experience with your own newlywed child onto everyone else = clear boundary and perception issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are a lot of people right now are very vocal about setting up 'boundaries' for really weird reasons that are part of the narcissistic culture that is predominate in the US. Everyone I've met who has had to set up 'boundaries' with a parent has been emotionally insecure and immature. When I meet someone who has had to set up boundaries for a real reason, then maybe my opinion will change.

No, boundaries are not a new thing at all. There wasn’t always a term for it though (or the term wasn’t used less frequently).

A classic example is newlyweds who have family constantly stopping by without calling. They tell family they need to call first- which is a boundary. A tale as old as time, really. And doing such is not immature or “emotionally insecure” in the least.

Agreed. It is actually mature to set boundaries.

As long as the newlyweds have respected the boundaries of their parents. Otherwise it is emotionally insecure and narcissistic. Stop assuming that you can walk into your parents’ home without notice or knocking; stop assuming that your parents are willing and able to help you whenever you need something; stop looking to your parents for approval; etc.

Just my experience as an older person - the boundary stompers are usually the adult children.

This last post! People on this forum are constantly complaining about their parents not helping or being involved. Those with no family locally never complain about missing family but rather that they have no family to help them.

My boundary-stomping family lives wayyy on the other side of the country, and I am EXTREMELY glad of it!

But it's kind of funny. The way you're trying to "prove" based on irrelevant and inapposite data that somebody is incorrect when they claim a boundary is being violated, is so very very boundary stomping!

I am not denying anyone’s experience of being “boundary stomped” - I am simply noting which generation I see “stomping boundaries” the most and it’s the generation of young parents.

And your anecdotal comment, thinking that if you don’t do it than no one does - is definitely boundary stomping. Does no one else have a right to opinions and observations but you? Are you this diminishing in real life?

whatever. you're clearly projecting your experience with your own newlywed child onto everyone else = clear boundary and perception issues.

Agreed. I loathe the "well, in my experience!" comments. In software and product development, we come up with user personas based on a whole slew of research and interviews so that we aren't just taking into account the needs of a single user, or in your case, your newlywed adult child. "Your experience" is just that - YOURS and not necessarily the experience of any other person on this planet.

[Anonymous]

My late FIL was unusual for his generation - he cooked and baked with my girls (his grandkids), and even cooked for his family when dh was growing up, despite working long hours and having a wife (MIL) who didn't work. He used to snap photos the second he arrived in our house, without asking. When I asked him to stop, he never did that again. My parents, meanwhile - they don't change their behavior no matter how many times I ask.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are a lot of people right now are very vocal about setting up 'boundaries' for really weird reasons that are part of the narcissistic culture that is predominate in the US. Everyone I've met who has had to set up 'boundaries' with a parent has been emotionally insecure and immature. When I meet someone who has had to set up boundaries for a real reason, then maybe my opinion will change.

No, boundaries are not a new thing at all. There wasn’t always a term for it though (or the term wasn’t used less frequently).

A classic example is newlyweds who have family constantly stopping by without calling. They tell family they need to call first- which is a boundary. A tale as old as time, really. And doing such is not immature or “emotionally insecure” in the least.

Agreed. It is actually mature to set boundaries.

As long as the newlyweds have respected the boundaries of their parents. Otherwise it is emotionally insecure and narcissistic. Stop assuming that you can walk into your parents’ home without notice or knocking; stop assuming that your parents are willing and able to help you whenever you need something; stop looking to your parents for approval; etc.

Just my experience as an older person - the boundary stompers are usually the adult children.

This last post! People on this forum are constantly complaining about their parents not helping or being involved. Those with no family locally never complain about missing family but rather that they have no family to help them.

My boundary-stomping family lives wayyy on the other side of the country, and I am EXTREMELY glad of it!

But it's kind of funny. The way you're trying to "prove" based on irrelevant and inapposite data that somebody is incorrect when they claim a boundary is being violated, is so very very boundary stomping!

I am not denying anyone’s experience of being “boundary stomped” - I am simply noting which generation I see “stomping boundaries” the most and it’s the generation of young parents.

And your anecdotal comment, thinking that if you don’t do it than no one does - is definitely boundary stomping. Does no one else have a right to opinions and observations but you? Are you this diminishing in real life?

whatever. you're clearly projecting your experience with your own newlywed child onto everyone else = clear boundary and perception issues.

Unlikely since I am 64 and don’t have children - adult or otherwise. It’s not possible for me to project. I am basing my observations on those I council and advise. Again, IME, most boundary stompers are this young generation of parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are a lot of people right now are very vocal about setting up 'boundaries' for really weird reasons that are part of the narcissistic culture that is predominate in the US. Everyone I've met who has had to set up 'boundaries' with a parent has been emotionally insecure and immature. When I meet someone who has had to set up boundaries for a real reason, then maybe my opinion will change.

No, boundaries are not a new thing at all. There wasn’t always a term for it though (or the term wasn’t used less frequently).

A classic example is newlyweds who have family constantly stopping by without calling. They tell family they need to call first- which is a boundary. A tale as old as time, really. And doing such is not immature or “emotionally insecure” in the least.

Agreed. It is actually mature to set boundaries.

As long as the newlyweds have respected the boundaries of their parents. Otherwise it is emotionally insecure and narcissistic. Stop assuming that you can walk into your parents’ home without notice or knocking; stop assuming that your parents are willing and able to help you whenever you need something; stop looking to your parents for approval; etc.

Just my experience as an older person - the boundary stompers are usually the adult children.

This last post! People on this forum are constantly complaining about their parents not helping or being involved. Those with no family locally never complain about missing family but rather that they have no family to help them.

My boundary-stomping family lives wayyy on the other side of the country, and I am EXTREMELY glad of it!

But it's kind of funny. The way you're trying to "prove" based on irrelevant and inapposite data that somebody is incorrect when they claim a boundary is being violated, is so very very boundary stomping!

I am not denying anyone’s experience of being “boundary stomped” - I am simply noting which generation I see “stomping boundaries” the most and it’s the generation of young parents.

And your anecdotal comment, thinking that if you don’t do it than no one does - is definitely boundary stomping. Does no one else have a right to opinions and observations but you? Are you this diminishing in real life?

whatever. you're clearly projecting your experience with your own newlywed child onto everyone else = clear boundary and perception issues.

Agreed. I loathe the "well, in my experience!" comments. In software and product development, we come up with user personas based on a whole slew of research and interviews so that we aren't just taking into account the needs of a single user, or in your case, your newlywed adult child. "Your experience" is just that - YOURS and not necessarily the experience of any other person on this planet.

Hhhhmmmm. And YOUR insight and experience is different how exactly? You're trash talking the PP's post but you're projecting your own experiences and intent right onto her. I don't think you understand the point you're trying to make...