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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote][b]Parents who have financially dependent adult children are usually the worst boundary offenders.[/b] Adults need to be ok with the idea that they might make Mommy & Daddy mad. That is what is expected to happen, occasionally, in adult relationships. People get mad, they adjust their expectations and their own behavior.. the relationship see saws a bit. If you aren't dependent on your parent's help, especially financially, you will be more likely to have their respect as an equal adult. Respect means people decide it's worth tweaking their own behavior rather than do damage to the relationship.[/quote]

This X100. My parents were like drug pushers when it came to money. They were constantly trying to fund things for me but I knew it would come strings. I turned them down again and again. Money was power to them. They could not form relationships with others without creating some power dynamic that put them in control. My sister was not as strong willed and they have made her miserable.

To make matters worse, the money they "gave" turned out to come with debt. They gave her the downpayment for a home in a housing development that they owned and co-signed the mortgage in both their names. At some point, they refinanced with lower rates but kept the cash out so my sister ended up paying them back at that time for the downpayment. The house has since lost value because it is not in a strong market. Sister is now stuck with the larger mortgage in a devaluing house in an area that she would have never chosen. From my parents perspective, they gave her a house and she owes them. From my sister's point of view she is sitting on a pile of debt in a house she can't sell and doesn't want. You could say that she should have never taken it but offering a recent college grad at age 22 their own 2500 sq ft home is hard for someone young to turn down. [/quote]

Yes.  This is how I came to be able to tell the difference between boundary stomping, and a well-meaning person who just needs a different kind of communication style.  One relative I have will STILL to this day make a huge deal about a $100 item she bought for my sister almost THIRTY YEARS AGO as a way to prove how "wonderful" she was to her, and disprove the intervening decades of awfulness.  Another relative I have has been extremely generous to me and is just generally very difficult to get along with due to personal quirks, but never in a million years has even suggested there are any strings attached to the money. [/quote]

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