Question about boundary stompers

[Anonymous]

Do you think that boundary crossers or the really aggressive ones that are more like boundary stompers really get what they want in the end? It strikes me that the fastest route to reduced visits, being disliked by your family and possibly estrangement is not respecting basic boundaries. They end up with far less interaction than they would have gotten if they just behaved like normal people. Yet, so many older grandparents, aunts, uncles etc seem to take pleasure in doing this.

Are they just stupid? Are they assholes and this is just one more way they express being an asshole?

[Anonymous]

Yes they often do get what they want. Especially “older” relatives, and especially those from some cultures where elders are revered.

Family will often appease them- which makes it even worse- but no one wants to be the one who rocks the boat.

[Anonymous]

I think the interesting thing is that boundary pushers / stompers tend to surround themselves with doormats and wish-washers, so the dynamic isn’t as purely one sided as one would think or complain about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the interesting thing is that boundary pushers / stompers tend to surround themselves with doormats and wish-washers, so the dynamic isn’t as purely one sided as one would think or complain about.

Interesting. My in-laws tend to push boundaries and so long as everyone is doing what they want, when they want, they are good. The minute anyone goes against them or attempts to march to the beat of their own drum, they are being disrespectful and are treated poorly within the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the interesting thing is that boundary pushers / stompers tend to surround themselves with doormats and wish-washers, so the dynamic isn’t as purely one sided as one would think or complain about.

+1. No interpersonal dynamic is ever one sided.

[Anonymous]

They think they're getting what they want. I think sometimes they are winning the battle but losing the war.

[Anonymous]

I think there are a lot of people right now are very vocal about setting up 'boundaries' for really weird reasons that are part of the narcissistic culture that is predominate in the US. Everyone I've met who has had to set up 'boundaries' with a parent has been emotionally insecure and immature. When I meet someone who has had to set up boundaries for a real reason, then maybe my opinion will change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there are a lot of people right now are very vocal about setting up 'boundaries' for really weird reasons that are part of the narcissistic culture that is predominate in the US. Everyone I've met who has had to set up 'boundaries' with a parent has been emotionally insecure and immature. When I meet someone who has had to set up boundaries for a real reason, then maybe my opinion will change.

No, boundaries are not a new thing at all. There wasn’t always a term for it though (or the term wasn’t used less frequently).

A classic example is newlyweds who have family constantly stopping by without calling. They tell family they need to call first- which is a boundary. A tale as old as time, really. And doing such is not immature or “emotionally insecure” in the least.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there are a lot of people right now are very vocal about setting up 'boundaries' for really weird reasons that are part of the narcissistic culture that is predominate in the US. Everyone I've met who has had to set up 'boundaries' with a parent has been emotionally insecure and immature. When I meet someone who has had to set up boundaries for a real reason, then maybe my opinion will change.

I agree. Only one person I know constantly talks about “boundaries” and she uses the term to use people (eg she has no boundary issues when her mother babysits for free) and justify cruelty. Anytime her insecurity surfaces she blames someone for stomping her “boundaries”.

However, it feels very 1990s to me - not anything I hear about IRL from anyone except her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are a lot of people right now are very vocal about setting up 'boundaries' for really weird reasons that are part of the narcissistic culture that is predominate in the US. Everyone I've met who has had to set up 'boundaries' with a parent has been emotionally insecure and immature. When I meet someone who has had to set up boundaries for a real reason, then maybe my opinion will change.

No, boundaries are not a new thing at all. There wasn’t always a term for it though (or the term wasn’t used less frequently).

A classic example is newlyweds who have family constantly stopping by without calling. They tell family they need to call first- which is a boundary. A tale as old as time, really. And doing such is not immature or “emotionally insecure” in the least.

I don’t disagree with your example but in my experience those same newlyweds continue to walk into their parents homes without calling or knocking and eat whatever they please without asking.

And the term “boundaries” is so dated. Using your example, I would say the newlyweds aren’t being heard or respected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there are a lot of people right now are very vocal about setting up 'boundaries' for really weird reasons that are part of the narcissistic culture that is predominate in the US. Everyone I've met who has had to set up 'boundaries' with a parent has been emotionally insecure and immature. When I meet someone who has had to set up boundaries for a real reason, then maybe my opinion will change.

Your point of view is interesting. My in-laws are very narcissistic and if I don’t set up boundaries or rather “limitations” if that’s a better word for you, than they will run all over us. I have to draw a line in the sand sometimes. Although, I’ll admit that they crossover frequently and I don’t always push back. I try to pick my battles. I think most people have boundaries but the line is invisible so “stompers” don’t always know when they are crossing the line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are a lot of people right now are very vocal about setting up 'boundaries' for really weird reasons that are part of the narcissistic culture that is predominate in the US. Everyone I've met who has had to set up 'boundaries' with a parent has been emotionally insecure and immature. When I meet someone who has had to set up boundaries for a real reason, then maybe my opinion will change.

I agree. Only one person I know constantly talks about “boundaries” and she uses the term to use people (eg she has no boundary issues when her mother babysits for free) and justify cruelty. Anytime her insecurity surfaces she blames someone for stomping her “boundaries”.

However, it feels very 1990s to me - not anything I hear about IRL from anyone except her.

The person you describe has poor boundaries, and certainly picked up the term from someone she hurt. That doesn't mean boundaries are bullshit. It means she is full of bullshit. Basically, the term "boundaries" is one that no one would need to know if everyone were respecting them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are a lot of people right now are very vocal about setting up 'boundaries' for really weird reasons that are part of the narcissistic culture that is predominate in the US. Everyone I've met who has had to set up 'boundaries' with a parent has been emotionally insecure and immature. When I meet someone who has had to set up boundaries for a real reason, then maybe my opinion will change.

I agree. Only one person I know constantly talks about “boundaries” and she uses the term to use people (eg she has no boundary issues when her mother babysits for free) and justify cruelty. Anytime her insecurity surfaces she blames someone for stomping her “boundaries”.

However, it feels very 1990s to me - not anything I hear about IRL from anyone except her.

Ha! I agree! It sounds like a bunch of people who watched too much Dr. Phil and talk show therapists in their teens and now they're acting out what they heard from the "doctor" on tv.

[Anonymous]

The people who resent boundaries are usually narcissistic boundary stompers. Think about it. If someone says "no that's not a good time for me" why would you want to bother them? If someone prefers you only visit for a week, not 2, why on earth would you insist on 2| People have jobs, stresors, a million things going on. it takes a whole lot of self-absorption to assume the world revolves around you.

[Anonymous]

PP, as a counter argument: Why wouldn't you want people who, for example, love your kids to come around? Why would someone who claims to be normal or typical or fine think that it is okay to isolate their kids from people who love them? Why wouldn't you, if you're tired, set up alternative ways for your parents to visit your kids in a way that works for you and your kids?

This trend towards isolating kids from grandparents is crazy. Too many people who want their kids worlds to revolve around mom instead of being a little more open and tolerant. Do your kids a favor and stop putting up barriers to isolate them from people who love them.

I figured out a long time ago that I can take the interest and love from the grandparents, and use it to help my kids and all of us. The reason why my parents and my husband's parents are so involved in our kids lives now, and sooooooo helpful with carpools or other things, is because we encouraged them to be involved even when it wasn't convenient to us. The benefit now is that our kids feel fully embraced by a wide circle of people who love them.

-Signed, a Mom not a Grandparent