Question about boundary stompers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The people who resent boundaries are usually narcissistic boundary stompers. Think about it. If someone says "no that's not a good time for me" why would you want to bother them? If someone prefers you only visit for a week, not 2, why on earth would you insist on 2| People have jobs, stresors, a million things going on. it takes a whole lot of self-absorption to assume the world revolves around you.

Absolutely. If you don't want to hear the word "boundary" then don't keep ignoring other people's feelings or statements and put them in position where they have to say it to you. It only comes up because some people refuse to take into consideration other people's concerns and put themselves first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are a lot of people right now are very vocal about setting up 'boundaries' for really weird reasons that are part of the narcissistic culture that is predominate in the US. Everyone I've met who has had to set up 'boundaries' with a parent has been emotionally insecure and immature. When I meet someone who has had to set up boundaries for a real reason, then maybe my opinion will change.

No, boundaries are not a new thing at all. There wasn’t always a term for it though (or the term wasn’t used less frequently).

A classic example is newlyweds who have family constantly stopping by without calling. They tell family they need to call first- which is a boundary. A tale as old as time, really. And doing such is not immature or “emotionally insecure” in the least.

Agreed. It is actually mature to set boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are a lot of people right now are very vocal about setting up 'boundaries' for really weird reasons that are part of the narcissistic culture that is predominate in the US. Everyone I've met who has had to set up 'boundaries' with a parent has been emotionally insecure and immature. When I meet someone who has had to set up boundaries for a real reason, then maybe my opinion will change.

No, boundaries are not a new thing at all. There wasn’t always a term for it though (or the term wasn’t used less frequently).

A classic example is newlyweds who have family constantly stopping by without calling. They tell family they need to call first- which is a boundary. A tale as old as time, really. And doing such is not immature or “emotionally insecure” in the least.

Agreed. It is actually mature to set boundaries.

As long as the newlyweds have respected the boundaries of their parents. Otherwise it is emotionally insecure and narcissistic. Stop assuming that you can walk into your parents’ home without notice or knocking; stop assuming that your parents are willing and able to help you whenever you need something; stop looking to your parents for approval; etc.

Just my experience as an older person - the boundary stompers are usually the adult children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, as a counter argument: Why wouldn't you want people who, for example, love your kids to come around? Why would someone who claims to be normal or typical or fine think that it is okay to isolate their kids from people who love them? Why wouldn't you, if you're tired, set up alternative ways for your parents to visit your kids in a way that works for you and your kids?

This trend towards isolating kids from grandparents is crazy. Too many people who want their kids worlds to revolve around mom instead of being a little more open and tolerant. Do your kids a favor and stop putting up barriers to isolate them from people who love them.

I figured out a long time ago that I can take the interest and love from the grandparents, and use it to help my kids and all of us. The reason why my parents and my husband's parents are so involved in our kids lives now, and sooooooo helpful with carpools or other things, is because we encouraged them to be involved even when it wasn't convenient to us. The benefit now is that our kids feel fully embraced by a wide circle of people who love them.

-Signed, a Mom not a Grandparent

If you had to encourage them to be involved, they weren’t boundary stompers. You don’t understand because your family doesn’t push boundaries.

[Anonymous]

My MIl pushes boundaries constantly. When she doesnt get her way she actually whines and keeps asking until her husband gives in. No one stands up to her.
She came in to our house while we were on vacation and totally rearranged our kitchen drawers and cabinets. Then she was upset that we werent appreciative. It got smoothed over but she ourtight asked me if I liked it, and I told her it looked fine,but she should not have gone in our house while we were away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
The people who resent boundaries are usually narcissistic boundary stompers. Think about it. If someone says "no that's not a good time for me" why would you want to bother them? If someone prefers you only visit for a week, not 2, why on earth would you insist on 2| People have jobs, stresors, a million things going on. it takes a whole lot of self-absorption to assume the world revolves around you.


Absolutely. If you don't want to hear the word "boundary" then don't keep ignoring other people's feelings or statements and put them in position where they have to say it to you. It only comes up because some people refuse to take into consideration other people's concerns and put themselves first.

+10000 I ever understand what people meant by others crossing boundaries until I interacted with DH's aunt. She is an evil combination of a narcissist and a moocher. Saying no to her is taken as a personal offense and she doubles down on badgering, manipulating and being obsessed with whatever said no about to her. We finally had to cut all contact with her when she kept escalating.

With all the other relatives, everything is fine. DH and I are actually pretty flexible and have no problem compromising. The difference is that they do not push if it is something that we either really do not want to do or can't do. They don't take advantage of our willingness to compromise. They do not make unreasonable demands or try to inject themselves inappropriately into our lives.

If you are hearing the word "boundary" from someone else then you need to step back and realize that you have been pretty darn rude and inappropriate for the other party to get the point of having to sit you down and say no more. It doesn't matter one bit that you THINK you are just giving love and want to surround their children with a circle of love. You're not. You're hyper focused on your own entitlement and wants. You're toxic and the kids are better off without you being around them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
The people who resent boundaries are usually narcissistic boundary stompers. Think about it. If someone says "no that's not a good time for me" why would you want to bother them? If someone prefers you only visit for a week, not 2, why on earth would you insist on 2| People have jobs, stresors, a million things going on. it takes a whole lot of self-absorption to assume the world revolves around you.


Absolutely. If you don't want to hear the word "boundary" then don't keep ignoring other people's feelings or statements and put them in position where they have to say it to you. It only comes up because some people refuse to take into consideration other people's concerns and put themselves first.

+10000 I ever understand what people meant by others crossing boundaries until I interacted with DH's aunt. She is an evil combination of a narcissist and a moocher. Saying no to her is taken as a personal offense and she doubles down on badgering, manipulating and being obsessed with whatever said no about to her. We finally had to cut all contact with her when she kept escalating.

With all the other relatives, everything is fine. DH and I are actually pretty flexible and have no problem compromising. The difference is that they do not push if it is something that we either really do not want to do or can't do. They don't take advantage of our willingness to compromise. They do not make unreasonable demands or try to inject themselves inappropriately into our lives.

If you are hearing the word "boundary" from someone else then you need to step back and realize that you have been pretty darn rude and inappropriate for the other party to get the point of having to sit you down and say no more. It doesn't matter one bit that you THINK you are just giving love and want to surround their children with a circle of love. You're not. You're hyper focused on your own entitlement and wants. You're toxic and the kids are better off without you being around them.

+1

[Anonymous]

I think people sometime miss the point of “setting boundaries”- ideally they are not to “keep people out” but are instead to keep relationships healthy.

Take the scenario of the newlyweds with in-laws coming by unannounced- if the adult child doesn’t set this boundary, what happens next? The spouse becomes resentful and feels disrespected , potentially leading to problems in the marriage and/or more problems with the in-laws. It’s much better to speak up in the first place and say “this doesn’t work for us”, which may be an adjustment for the ILs initially but shouldn’t lead to lasting problems. unless the ILs are boundary stompers.

We live across the country from both sides, and as our nuclear family has grown, now stay in hotels. Neither of us likes staying with the in-laws (or frankly even our own parents at times) so this works best for us for various reasons. Yes, the families were not thrilled about this arrangement but they have adjusted over time. Staying at a hotel keeps us happier and keeps both our marriage healthy, and our extended family relationships healthier. If we felt forced to stay with them (because we were afraid to rock the boat) we’d be cranky and resentful and it would hurt relationships- and we’d likely visit less and for shorter times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They think they're getting what they want. I think sometimes they are winning the battle but losing the war.

This.

It's the same people who demand respect. You can not demand respect, it's earned.

[Anonymous]

I think people sometime miss the point of “setting boundaries”- ideally they are not to “keep people out” but are instead to keep relationships healthy.

Take the scenario of the newlyweds with in-laws coming by unannounced- if the adult child doesn’t set this boundary, what happens next? The spouse becomes resentful and feels disrespected , potentially leading to problems in the marriage and/or more problems with the in-laws. It’s much better to speak up in the first place and say “this doesn’t work for us”, which may be an adjustment for the ILs initially but shouldn’t lead to lasting problems. unless the ILs are boundary stompers.

We live across the country from both sides, and as our nuclear family has grown, now stay in hotels. Neither of us likes staying with the in-laws (or frankly even our own parents at times) so this works best for us for various reasons. Yes, the families were not thrilled about this arrangement but they have adjusted over time. Staying at a hotel keeps us happier and keeps both our marriage healthy, and our extended family relationships healthier. If we felt forced to stay with them (because we were afraid to rock the boat) we’d be cranky and resentful and it would hurt relationships- and we’d likely visit less and for shorter times.

I agree but boundary crossers fundamentally do not care if you are happy or can not fathom how you could not be happy doing exactly what they want. They resent not getting their way. What you see as healthy a boundary crosser sees as an affront or attack on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, as a counter argument: Why wouldn't you want people who, for example, love your kids to come around? Why would someone who claims to be normal or typical or fine think that it is okay to isolate their kids from people who love them? Why wouldn't you, if you're tired, set up alternative ways for your parents to visit your kids in a way that works for you and your kids?

This trend towards isolating kids from grandparents is crazy. Too many people who want their kids worlds to revolve around mom instead of being a little more open and tolerant. Do your kids a favor and stop putting up barriers to isolate them from people who love them.

I figured out a long time ago that I can take the interest and love from the grandparents, and use it to help my kids and all of us. The reason why my parents and my husband's parents are so involved in our kids lives now, and sooooooo helpful with carpools or other things, is because we encouraged them to be involved even when it wasn't convenient to us. The benefit now is that our kids feel fully embraced by a wide circle of people who love them.

-Signed, a Mom not a Grandparent

I think a lot of what you’re describing is because of the crappy 1980’s style parenting. People generally do more and want more for their kids now. No one has time or inclination to put up with dysfunctional, selfish grandparents. Kudos to you. Seems like you had a healthy home life.

[Anonymous]

Parents who have financially dependent adult children are usually the worst boundary offenders. Adults need to be ok with the idea that they might make Mommy & Daddy mad. That is what is expected to happen, occasionally, in adult relationships. People get mad, they adjust their expectations and their own behavior.. the relationship see saws a bit. If you aren't dependent on your parent's help, especially financially, you will be more likely to have their respect as an equal adult. Respect means people decide it's worth tweaking their own behavior rather than do damage to the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Parents who have financially dependent adult children are usually the worst boundary offenders. Adults need to be ok with the idea that they might make Mommy & Daddy mad. That is what is expected to happen, occasionally, in adult relationships. People get mad, they adjust their expectations and their own behavior.. the relationship see saws a bit. If you aren't dependent on your parent's help, especially financially, you will be more likely to have their respect as an equal adult. Respect means people decide it's worth tweaking their own behavior rather than do damage to the relationship.

This X100. My parents were like drug pushers when it came to money. They were constantly trying to fund things for me but I knew it would come strings. I turned them down again and again. Money was power to them. They could not form relationships with others without creating some power dynamic that put them in control. My sister was not as strong willed and they have made her miserable.

To make matters worse, the money they "gave" turned out to come with debt. They gave her the downpayment for a home in a housing development that they owned and co-signed the mortgage in both their names. At some point, they refinanced with lower rates but kept the cash out so my sister ended up paying them back at that time for the downpayment. The house has since lost value because it is not in a strong market. Sister is now stuck with the larger mortgage in a devaluing house in an area that she would have never chosen. From my parents perspective, they gave her a house and she owes them. From my sister's point of view she is sitting on a pile of debt in a house she can't sell and doesn't want. You could say that she should have never taken it but offering a recent college grad at age 22 their own 2500 sq ft home is hard for someone young to turn down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are a lot of people right now are very vocal about setting up 'boundaries' for really weird reasons that are part of the narcissistic culture that is predominate in the US. Everyone I've met who has had to set up 'boundaries' with a parent has been emotionally insecure and immature. When I meet someone who has had to set up boundaries for a real reason, then maybe my opinion will change.

No, boundaries are not a new thing at all. There wasn’t always a term for it though (or the term wasn’t used less frequently).

A classic example is newlyweds who have family constantly stopping by without calling. They tell family they need to call first- which is a boundary. A tale as old as time, really. And doing such is not immature or “emotionally insecure” in the least.

Agreed. It is actually mature to set boundaries.

As long as the newlyweds have respected the boundaries of their parents. Otherwise it is emotionally insecure and narcissistic. Stop assuming that you can walk into your parents’ home without notice or knocking; stop assuming that your parents are willing and able to help you whenever you need something; stop looking to your parents for approval; etc.

Just my experience as an older person - the boundary stompers are usually the adult children.

This last post! People on this forum are constantly complaining about their parents not helping or being involved. Those with no family locally never complain about missing family but rather that they have no family to help them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, as a counter argument: Why wouldn't you want people who, for example, love your kids to come around? Why would someone who claims to be normal or typical or fine think that it is okay to isolate their kids from people who love them? Why wouldn't you, if you're tired, set up alternative ways for your parents to visit your kids in a way that works for you and your kids?

This trend towards isolating kids from grandparents is crazy. Too many people who want their kids worlds to revolve around mom instead of being a little more open and tolerant. Do your kids a favor and stop putting up barriers to isolate them from people who love them.

I figured out a long time ago that I can take the interest and love from the grandparents, and use it to help my kids and all of us. The reason why my parents and my husband's parents are so involved in our kids lives now, and sooooooo helpful with carpools or other things, is because we encouraged them to be involved even when it wasn't convenient to us. The benefit now is that our kids feel fully embraced by a wide circle of people who love them.

-Signed, a Mom not a Grandparent

You've entirely missed the point. Yes, if you have a good relationship, having the grandparents come around is a great thing. But boundaries become important when the grandparents are acting inappropriately. For example - "Mom, please don't put the newborn to sleep on her stomach. That increases the risk of SIDS." "You're just being anxious! Don't you think I know how to handle a baby?" Boundary needed.