WWYD - neighbor doesn't like fingernail painting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Lived abroad? As a foreigner, with all sorts of international friends, I wonder why you think it matters. Are all foreigners backwards and conservative to you?

Plenty of people don't like nail polish on youngsters. Some don't like pink or girly things on their boys, but it doesn't mean they're homophobic.

Just don't polish his nails. Easy!

Of course not. He's not a foreigner himself anyway. White American dudes. Just happened to live abroad for a lot of his life. I don't think foreigners are conservative either I think that his dad has a clear image of what being an American boy means and that that image does not include nail polish or princess dresses. His dad was raised stateside. I just mean the kid was raised in a different culture and it shows in a lack of ease in integrating with American kids.

A 7 year old kid who didn't grow up with American friends or siblings... he's just a little peculiar. He comes across like a kid who thinks he's already an adult but who also wishes he was a more carefree kid.

Unless this child has been living with native tribes somewhere, please abandon this idea that this child is different because of his living abroad. Our elementary school in downtown Bethesda welcomes children from 60 nations, some of whom don't speak English when they arrive. They all know how to play together, and don't act peculiar! Except the ones with specific types of special needs. I suspect this child has socio-communication issues. I have a kid with ADHD and Asperger's. It has nothing to do with language or culture, it's differences in brain functioning and can happen to any family in any country. This has nothing to do with the father not wanting nail polish on his son either. Stop conflating everything, it makes everything worse.

Whatever the reason, I only mention it because I think it is part of why the kid is bff with my dd and seemingly thirsty for friends and interaction.

He is somewhat socially awkward. Based on my own experiences (family in the foreign service!) I think that kids that bounce around cultures, particularly only children, are prone to a specific kind of awkwardness that comes from not being entrenched in American mannerisms while growing up.

It's not a qualitative analysis of his worth, it's speculation as to why he's a little weird. This feeling of his having a hard time fitting in is a significant reason why I am ok with him hanging around 24/7 and not wanting to hurt him or make him feel rejected by us.

Just stop with the cultural interpretations, at this point you've been told multiple times that you're wrong.
I was that child in bold. I was not awkward. Nor were any of my similarly situated friends. You are mixing up multiple issues. Just accept that this child is peculiar. It's perfectly fine to be peculiar. You don't need to create a story for him to excuse this. When you think about it, that's rather offensive of you, as if special needs had to be excused...

The kid is peculiar, the dad is clueless, it makes sense, since mental health disorders are inherited, OP. No need to look further than that. Continue to be friendly if you can, and set boundaries when you must. Thank you.

Ok fine. You're right. Personally I think its offensive you're leaping right to special needs and ADHD and Aspergers diagnoses (not even a real diagnosis anymore right?) in regards to a kid you don't even know but agree to disagree.

[Anonymous]

OP, re the specific situation of nail polish (not the larger situation of the dad injecting his rules on you guys)

You are uncomfortable with dad not wanting son wearing nail polish bc you think it's ok for boys to wear nail polish.

But you don't have to go there; you don't have to go that far and deal with that dilemma. Bc many parents of GIRLS don't want their kids in nail polish (I've got two girls, now teenagers, but I didn't want them in nail polish for the chemicals and also bc I live in a neighborhood in LA where the re is a subset of girls that take the princess thing to a very expensive degree and I didn't want my kids going down that path)

So if I asked you to not have my DD do the nail painting, you'd probably be ok with it. So just treat it like that.

Finally, I'd like to say, thank you for rescuing this boy, 8 hours a day, 1 hour a day...1 hour a week, whatever; you are his angel. And I doubt you will get any thanks for it, or even recognition by the dad that you have been so helpful.

I basically had a 12 year old neighbor girl over every day for a year or so, feeding her, driving her, etc, while her divorced parents went on with their dating lives and really, in a lot of ways, put themselves first. I hope I made even a little dent in this girl's life, and I'm sure you are helping this boy, OP.

[Anonymous]

I haven’t read the whole thread yet but nail polish isn’t really the problem. Of course no nail polish in neighbor but ...
I think OP sounds like a kind person and the neighbor sounds like a real user. Here you have a family with a 4 yo, 2 yo & soon to be baby. Yet neighbor thinks it’s ok to send his 7 yo over for the free babysitter. Then he wants to let the neighbors nanny know just how to raise his son... and it’s all ok because he lived oversees. Nice try buddy.
OP this isn’t going to work longer term (and neighbor will move on to the next family ...) You’re going to have a newborn baby and plenty for your nanny to do. Just waaay too busy to provide more free daycare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can’t you just tell your kids “some families don’t think it’s good to paint nails so we’re only going to do it when it’s just us.” Then I’d kid comes over, nail polish doesn’t get put out or if he comes over and it’s out you say “oh, some parents don’t like polish so it’s our rule that other kids can’t paint nails at our house. Let us finish up then we can do something else.”

There are lots of parents who wouldn’t want you painting their kids nails, me included - even for girls. If you are otherwise are happy with this kid being over, honoring their wishes is a kindness to him and the dad. It sounds a bit like you’re uncomfortable telling your kids no to an activity (I may be projecting there) but that’s really all that needs to be done here.

I'm not uncomfortable telling them no to an activity. I'm uncomfortable making any of the kids feel ashamed about something like this.

NP here. There's a world of difference between telling the kids that some families don't want kids to paint their nails and making them ashamed about an activity. And you don't let the neighbor kid paint nails and then clean it off after the father has said not to do it. If your child went to someone else's house and you asked them not to feed your child sugary snacks before dinner, how would you feel if they gave your child the very treats you asked them not to, but told your child not to tell you that he had it. Would you be okay with that?

The father asked you not to have his child paint his nails. Whether it's because he doesn't approve of boys painting their nails or whether it's because he doesn't want his child around paints and paint cleaner, it isn't your choice to ignore his request. You either follow his request and don't allow your children to do that activity when the neighbor is there, or you send the neighbor home when your children want to do that activity. And it's very easy to tell your kids that they'll have to do that activity later when Timmy goes home because he isn't supposed to be participating in that activity. If they ask why, just say simply that every family has different house rules and in his family, he isn't allowed to use the paints and paint cleaner. This doesn't make it any more shameful than in his family he isn't allowed to watch cartoons or eat sugary treats before meals or play with toy guns.

As for TV time, just tell the neighbor (the father) that your kids watch cartoons after dinner. If his child comes over after dinner, then he can join them watching cartoons. If he doesn't want his child watching cartoons, then he should keep his son home after dinner. Then it's up to his father whether he comes over during cartoon time or not.

[Anonymous]

I would stop him from giving directions or orders or anything else to my nanny. Also I would not do his nails but his dad needs to explain to him why he can't do it anymore that's his job to be the heavy, not yours. Finally, if my nanny is watching his kid 6 hours a day he needs to pay her. She didn't sign on for three kids just your two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be livid if you put nail polish and nail polish remover on my kid after I expressly said no. I don’t want the chemicals or the look! You would be completely undermining him. What do you get out of that? You are totally in the wrong, OP.

I'm not putting anything on him or encouraging it. He requests to participate in the activity that is happening and does it himself.

Okay so if he asked or took 3 Cokes out of the fridge or ate a full bag of Doritos at your house every afternoon you would allow that? Use your head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be livid if you put nail polish and nail polish remover on my kid after I expressly said no. I don’t want the chemicals or the look! You would be completely undermining him. What do you get out of that? You are totally in the wrong, OP.

I'm not putting anything on him or encouraging it. He requests to participate in the activity that is happening and does it himself.

Okay so if he asked or took 3 Cokes out of the fridge or ate a full bag of Doritos at your house every afternoon you would allow that? Use your head.

This isn't the same. A similar thing would be if OP let her kids have Coke, and this kid's Dad said they can't drink Coke. If your kid is at my house several hours a day, every day, then you are consenting to what we do in our home. Full stop. OP - I would talk to the dad ONCE. I would just straight up tell him that I do what I do with my kids, and his kid is more than welcome to join in any and all activities. He can keep his kid home if he doesn't like what you do in your house. HE also needs to let his kid know that he doesn't like the polish, and that he shouldn't ask to have his nails painted. If he keeps on, just send the kid home.

And to be honest, if it were JUST the polish, I would probably just not do it while the neighbor was there. But...the polish, and TV, and whatever the hell else. No.

[Anonymous]

“Different families have different rules and Bobby isn’t allowed to paint his nails yet.” Done. This is not hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would stop him from giving directions or orders or anything else to my nanny. Also I would not do his nails but his dad needs to explain to him why he can't do it anymore that's his job to be the heavy, not yours. Finally, if my nanny is watching his kid 6 hours a day he needs to pay her. She didn't sign on for three kids just your two.

+1 OP is also expecting another. Boundary issue him instructing your nanny especially when he has a nanny of his own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be livid if you put nail polish and nail polish remover on my kid after I expressly said no. I don’t want the chemicals or the look! You would be completely undermining him. What do you get out of that? You are totally in the wrong, OP.

I'm not putting anything on him or encouraging it. He requests to participate in the activity that is happening and does it himself.

Okay so if he asked or took 3 Cokes out of the fridge or ate a full bag of Doritos at your house every afternoon you would allow that? Use your head.

This isn't the same. A similar thing would be if OP let her kids have Coke, and this kid's Dad said they can't drink Coke. If your kid is at my house several hours a day, every day, then you are consenting to what we do in our home. Full stop. OP - I would talk to the dad ONCE. I would just straight up tell him that I do what I do with my kids, and his kid is more than welcome to join in any and all activities. He can keep his kid home if he doesn't like what you do in your house. HE also needs to let his kid know that he doesn't like the polish, and that he shouldn't ask to have his nails painted. If he keeps on, just send the kid home.

And to be honest, if it were JUST the polish, I would probably just not do it while the neighbor was there. But...the polish, and TV, and whatever the hell else. No.

Totally agree, if it were just the one issue you can reasonably accommodate the request. But if you can't have it both ways, taking advantage of OP and dictating how to parent his child.

[Anonymous]

OP, you seriously calling a little kid weird and judging his upbringing? what is wrong with you?

[Anonymous]

Is he really there around 40 hours a week? If he was only there once or twice a week, it would be easy to avoid. If hanging out ALL the time, then I think you need to have a chat with his Dad about how you approach caring for children in your home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you seriously calling a little kid weird and judging his upbringing? what is wrong with you?

Um, she said she likes the little boy but he had an atypical upbringing and his behavior is a little peculiar by the norms in her area (she said she’s not in DC area so likely to be very few kids with experience living abroad and navigating different cultures in some random town.) It was a statement to provide context to the situation, she didn’t make a post complaining about the weird neighborhood kid. Get over yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can’t you just tell your kids “some families don’t think it’s good to paint nails so we’re only going to do it when it’s just us.” Then I’d kid comes over, nail polish doesn’t get put out or if he comes over and it’s out you say “oh, some parents don’t like polish so it’s our rule that other kids can’t paint nails at our house. Let us finish up then we can do something else.”

There are lots of parents who wouldn’t want you painting their kids nails, me included - even for girls. If you are otherwise are happy with this kid being over, honoring their wishes is a kindness to him and the dad. It sounds a bit like you’re uncomfortable telling your kids no to an activity (I may be projecting there) but that’s really all that needs to be done here.

I'm not uncomfortable telling them no to an activity. I'm uncomfortable making any of the kids feel ashamed about something like this.

I don't understand why you would need to make them feel uncomfortable. My DD has always loved makeup and nail polish and when she was younger, the rule was no nail polish or makeup on playdates unless I knew the parent was ok with it. I was surprised how many parents didn't allow nail polish (and this was almost all girls, so not even a gender issue). I simply said that every family has different rules, and [friend's] family doesn't allow nail polish, so we respect that. No shaming involved, same as if family didn't allow tv or video games or certain foods or whatever.

The responses here are making me think im just bristling due to the broader situation. He also tried to tell me the other night he doesn't want kid to watch kids cartoons. But he's ok sending the kid over after dinner most evenings which is when DD and DS get to watch a show (which everyone knows, they know our whole daily schedule because kid knows he has to leave for naps and dinner). And gave me examples of things like baseball games that would be better for neighbor kid.



And like I don't care if that's what you want him to watch but I'm not changing dd and ds's routine to suite other dad's parenting choices.

It's also not the first time he's kind of told nanny how to nanny his kid. They have a live in Filipino woman who has lived with them forever and frequently seems a little disgruntled with dad... be definitely views nanny like "the help" in a way im not totally comfortable with.

He also told me I was huge the other day (I'm almost 7 months pregnant) and apparently in front of all the kids and nanny told his friends who were over that I was pregnant and huge so im not his biggest fan this week.

I will think about it again when I'm less annoyed at him as a person. I don't want to alienate the kid, he seems like he's just searching for connections and I don't want to hurt his feelings by rejecting him at all.

I am the last of the posters you quoted, and I would be bristling in your shoes too. I don't think there is an easy answer since it sounds like you like the kid but not the dad (for understandable reasons!). FWIW, I think what I would do is when he makes a request (demand), be up front about whether you are willing to accommodate it. So on the cartoon thing, I would have said something like, "I totally understand that you'd rather not do cartoons. My kids generally do watch cartoons at xyz time - would you like me to send him home then?" That way if you do send him home, it's not about you "rejecting" him but about his dad saying he can't watch cartoons. Personally, on the nail polish thing, I would just tell the kids no nail polish when he's there as his family doesn't allow it," because even my slightly nail polish obsessed daughter would rather spend time playing with a friend that painting her nails (of course if he is overstaying his welcome and your daughter doesn't feel that way, I would think about how to set boundaries on when he visits). I would also touch base with your nanny on this and make sure she isn't feeling taken advantage of as it sounds like this man might be prone to not treating employees (even those of others) very nicely. Good luck, and I love that you are trying to think of this little boy's feelings even when his dad has your hackles up!

I agree with PP. If the dad knows your daily schedule of watching cartoons, he doesn't get to dictate what your kids watch. I appreciate your compassion, PP. Some kids are lonely and need a kind neighbor. Thank you for being that person. I would ask the nanny either not to paint nails while the little boy is over OR to designate a specific day for nail painting, say, Thursday afternoons. Let neighbor dad know that Thursday afternoon at 4 is when nail polish is being "refreshed" and his son is welcome to come over afterwards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can’t you just tell your kids “some families don’t think it’s good to paint nails so we’re only going to do it when it’s just us.” Then I’d kid comes over, nail polish doesn’t get put out or if he comes over and it’s out you say “oh, some parents don’t like polish so it’s our rule that other kids can’t paint nails at our house. Let us finish up then we can do something else.”

There are lots of parents who wouldn’t want you painting their kids nails, me included - even for girls. If you are otherwise are happy with this kid being over, honoring their wishes is a kindness to him and the dad. It sounds a bit like you’re uncomfortable telling your kids no to an activity (I may be projecting there) but that’s really all that needs to be done here.

I'm not uncomfortable telling them no to an activity. I'm uncomfortable making any of the kids feel ashamed about something like this.

If it makes you feel better, I wouldn't want you painting my son or my daughter's nails. It's not necessarily a gender thing.