WWYD - neighbor doesn't like fingernail painting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can’t you just tell your kids “some families don’t think it’s good to paint nails so we’re only going to do it when it’s just us.” Then I’d kid comes over, nail polish doesn’t get put out or if he comes over and it’s out you say “oh, some parents don’t like polish so it’s our rule that other kids can’t paint nails at our house. Let us finish up then we can do something else.”

There are lots of parents who wouldn’t want you painting their kids nails, me included - even for girls. If you are otherwise are happy with this kid being over, honoring their wishes is a kindness to him and the dad. It sounds a bit like you’re uncomfortable telling your kids no to an activity (I may be projecting there) but that’s really all that needs to be done here.

I'm not uncomfortable telling them no to an activity. I'm uncomfortable making any of the kids feel ashamed about something like this.

[Anonymous]

Neighbour needs to explain to his son to just politely decline whenever nail painting is done at your house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because most boys don't wear nail polish. How hard is that to understand and respect?

+1 But OP is worried about making the boy feel “ashamed” and she lets her own son do it. That’s what this is really about. She’s afraid of stifling her own son. She doesn’t want her own son to think it’s a bad activity.

[Anonymous]

Lived abroad? As a foreigner, with all sorts of international friends, I wonder why you think it matters. Are all foreigners backwards and conservative to you?

Plenty of people don't like nail polish on youngsters. Some don't like pink or girly things on their boys, but it doesn't mean they're homophobic.

Just don't polish his nails. Easy!

[Anonymous]

Your kids are little so this may be the first time you're running into this but it is VERY common for kids to have friends whose families have slightly different rules. You just adjust -- if you know Larlo's mom doesn't allow soda, don't offer soda when Larlo visits. If Tarlo's dad doesn't like video games, you do something else then. Just adopt a breezy "different families have different rules" and your kids will not think they are being shamed or judged. Kids aren't really that insecure about that kind of stuff.

FWIW, we have girls and didn't allow nail polish at that age. I don't like the chemicals. So its not necessarily a chemical thing. Lots of families will have different rules. Clearly, there are other things going on with this particular neighbor, but try not to let the larger issue interfere with something that's pretty minor and easy to solve. If you end up with a situation where the dad expects you to raise his kid and do so by his rules....that's a different problem. It doesn't sound like you're there, though.

[Anonymous]

He doesn't get to give your nanny instructions unless he's paying her salary. If he brings it up to you, you can say that you don't want to discourage it in your house for the reasons you've stated here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be livid if you put nail polish and nail polish remover on my kid after I expressly said no. I don’t want the chemicals or the look! You would be completely undermining him. What do you get out of that? You are totally in the wrong, OP.

I'm not putting anything on him or encouraging it. He requests to participate in the activity that is happening and does it himself.

Now that you know his dad doesn't approve don't let him do it anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Lived abroad? As a foreigner, with all sorts of international friends, I wonder why you think it matters. Are all foreigners backwards and conservative to you?

Plenty of people don't like nail polish on youngsters. Some don't like pink or girly things on their boys, but it doesn't mean they're homophobic.

Just don't polish his nails. Easy!

Of course not. He's not a foreigner himself anyway. White American dudes. Just happened to live abroad for a lot of his life. I don't think foreigners are conservative either I think that his dad has a clear image of what being an American boy means and that that image does not include nail polish or princess dresses. His dad was raised stateside. I just mean the kid was raised in a different culture and it shows in a lack of ease in integrating with American kids.

A 7 year old kid who didn't grow up with American friends or siblings... he's just a little peculiar. He comes across like a kid who thinks he's already an adult but who also wishes he was a more carefree kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can’t you just tell your kids “some families don’t think it’s good to paint nails so we’re only going to do it when it’s just us.” Then I’d kid comes over, nail polish doesn’t get put out or if he comes over and it’s out you say “oh, some parents don’t like polish so it’s our rule that other kids can’t paint nails at our house. Let us finish up then we can do something else.”

There are lots of parents who wouldn’t want you painting their kids nails, me included - even for girls. If you are otherwise are happy with this kid being over, honoring their wishes is a kindness to him and the dad. It sounds a bit like you’re uncomfortable telling your kids no to an activity (I may be projecting there) but that’s really all that needs to be done here.

I'm not uncomfortable telling them no to an activity. I'm uncomfortable making any of the kids feel ashamed about something like this.

I don't understand why you would need to make them feel uncomfortable. My DD has always loved makeup and nail polish and when she was younger, the rule was no nail polish or makeup on playdates unless I knew the parent was ok with it. I was surprised how many parents didn't allow nail polish (and this was almost all girls, so not even a gender issue). I simply said that every family has different rules, and [friend's] family doesn't allow nail polish, so we respect that. No shaming involved, same as if family didn't allow tv or video games or certain foods or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be livid if you put nail polish and nail polish remover on my kid after I expressly said no. I don’t want the chemicals or the look! You would be completely undermining him. What do you get out of that? You are totally in the wrong, OP.

I'm not putting anything on him or encouraging it. He requests to participate in the activity that is happening and does it himself.

Now that you know his dad doesn't approve don't let him do it anymore.

You have two boys and one girl. Do something all the kids like. You can paint the girls nails when he is not there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can’t you just tell your kids “some families don’t think it’s good to paint nails so we’re only going to do it when it’s just us.” Then I’d kid comes over, nail polish doesn’t get put out or if he comes over and it’s out you say “oh, some parents don’t like polish so it’s our rule that other kids can’t paint nails at our house. Let us finish up then we can do something else.”

There are lots of parents who wouldn’t want you painting their kids nails, me included - even for girls. If you are otherwise are happy with this kid being over, honoring their wishes is a kindness to him and the dad. It sounds a bit like you’re uncomfortable telling your kids no to an activity (I may be projecting there) but that’s really all that needs to be done here.

I'm not uncomfortable telling them no to an activity. I'm uncomfortable making any of the kids feel ashamed about something like this.

I don't understand why you would need to make them feel uncomfortable. My DD has always loved makeup and nail polish and when she was younger, the rule was no nail polish or makeup on playdates unless I knew the parent was ok with it. I was surprised how many parents didn't allow nail polish (and this was almost all girls, so not even a gender issue). I simply said that every family has different rules, and [friend's] family doesn't allow nail polish, so we respect that. No shaming involved, same as if family didn't allow tv or video games or certain foods or whatever.

The responses here are making me think im just bristling due to the broader situation. He also tried to tell me the other night he doesn't want kid to watch kids cartoons. But he's ok sending the kid over after dinner most evenings which is when DD and DS get to watch a show (which everyone knows, they know our whole daily schedule because kid knows he has to leave for naps and dinner). And gave me examples of things like baseball games that would be better for neighbor kid.

And like I don't care if that's what you want him to watch but I'm not changing dd and ds's routine to suite other dad's parenting choices.

It's also not the first time he's kind of told nanny how to nanny his kid. They have a live in Filipino woman who has lived with them forever and frequently seems a little disgruntled with dad... be definitely views nanny like "the help" in a way im not totally comfortable with.

He also told me I was huge the other day (I'm almost 7 months pregnant) and apparently in front of all the kids and nanny told his friends who were over that I was pregnant and huge so im not his biggest fan this week.

I will think about it again when I'm less annoyed at him as a person. I don't want to alienate the kid, he seems like he's just searching for connections and I don't want to hurt his feelings by rejecting him at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Lived abroad? As a foreigner, with all sorts of international friends, I wonder why you think it matters. Are all foreigners backwards and conservative to you?

Plenty of people don't like nail polish on youngsters. Some don't like pink or girly things on their boys, but it doesn't mean they're homophobic.

Just don't polish his nails. Easy!

Of course not. He's not a foreigner himself anyway. White American dudes. Just happened to live abroad for a lot of his life. I don't think foreigners are conservative either I think that his dad has a clear image of what being an American boy means and that that image does not include nail polish or princess dresses. His dad was raised stateside. I just mean the kid was raised in a different culture and it shows in a lack of ease in integrating with American kids.

A 7 year old kid who didn't grow up with American friends or siblings... he's just a little peculiar. He comes across like a kid who thinks he's already an adult but who also wishes he was a more carefree kid.

Unless this child has been living with native tribes somewhere, please abandon this idea that this child is different because of his living abroad. Our elementary school in downtown Bethesda welcomes children from 60 nations, some of whom don't speak English when they arrive. They all know how to play together, and don't act peculiar! Except the ones with specific types of special needs. I suspect this child has socio-communication issues. I have a kid with ADHD and Asperger's. It has nothing to do with language or culture, it's differences in brain functioning and can happen to any family in any country. This has nothing to do with the father not wanting nail polish on his son either. Stop conflating everything, it makes everything worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Lived abroad? As a foreigner, with all sorts of international friends, I wonder why you think it matters. Are all foreigners backwards and conservative to you?

Plenty of people don't like nail polish on youngsters. Some don't like pink or girly things on their boys, but it doesn't mean they're homophobic.

Just don't polish his nails. Easy!

Of course not. He's not a foreigner himself anyway. White American dudes. Just happened to live abroad for a lot of his life. I don't think foreigners are conservative either I think that his dad has a clear image of what being an American boy means and that that image does not include nail polish or princess dresses. His dad was raised stateside. I just mean the kid was raised in a different culture and it shows in a lack of ease in integrating with American kids.

A 7 year old kid who didn't grow up with American friends or siblings... he's just a little peculiar. He comes across like a kid who thinks he's already an adult but who also wishes he was a more carefree kid.

Unless this child has been living with native tribes somewhere, please abandon this idea that this child is different because of his living abroad. Our elementary school in downtown Bethesda welcomes children from 60 nations, some of whom don't speak English when they arrive. They all know how to play together, and don't act peculiar! Except the ones with specific types of special needs. I suspect this child has socio-communication issues. I have a kid with ADHD and Asperger's. It has nothing to do with language or culture, it's differences in brain functioning and can happen to any family in any country. This has nothing to do with the father not wanting nail polish on his son either. Stop conflating everything, it makes everything worse.

Whatever the reason, I only mention it because I think it is part of why the kid is bff with my dd and seemingly thirsty for friends and interaction.

He is somewhat socially awkward. Based on my own experiences (family in the foreign service!) I think that kids that bounce around cultures, particularly only children, are prone to a specific kind of awkwardness that comes from not being entrenched in American mannerisms while growing up.

It's not a qualitative analysis of his worth, it's speculation as to why he's a little weird. This feeling of his having a hard time fitting in is a significant reason why I am ok with him hanging around 24/7 and not wanting to hurt him or make him feel rejected by us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can’t you just tell your kids “some families don’t think it’s good to paint nails so we’re only going to do it when it’s just us.” Then I’d kid comes over, nail polish doesn’t get put out or if he comes over and it’s out you say “oh, some parents don’t like polish so it’s our rule that other kids can’t paint nails at our house. Let us finish up then we can do something else.”

There are lots of parents who wouldn’t want you painting their kids nails, me included - even for girls. If you are otherwise are happy with this kid being over, honoring their wishes is a kindness to him and the dad. It sounds a bit like you’re uncomfortable telling your kids no to an activity (I may be projecting there) but that’s really all that needs to be done here.

I'm not uncomfortable telling them no to an activity. I'm uncomfortable making any of the kids feel ashamed about something like this.

I don't understand why you would need to make them feel uncomfortable. My DD has always loved makeup and nail polish and when she was younger, the rule was no nail polish or makeup on playdates unless I knew the parent was ok with it. I was surprised how many parents didn't allow nail polish (and this was almost all girls, so not even a gender issue). I simply said that every family has different rules, and [friend's] family doesn't allow nail polish, so we respect that. No shaming involved, same as if family didn't allow tv or video games or certain foods or whatever.

The responses here are making me think im just bristling due to the broader situation. He also tried to tell me the other night he doesn't want kid to watch kids cartoons. But he's ok sending the kid over after dinner most evenings which is when DD and DS get to watch a show (which everyone knows, they know our whole daily schedule because kid knows he has to leave for naps and dinner). And gave me examples of things like baseball games that would be better for neighbor kid.



And like I don't care if that's what you want him to watch but I'm not changing dd and ds's routine to suite other dad's parenting choices.

It's also not the first time he's kind of told nanny how to nanny his kid. They have a live in Filipino woman who has lived with them forever and frequently seems a little disgruntled with dad... be definitely views nanny like "the help" in a way im not totally comfortable with.

He also told me I was huge the other day (I'm almost 7 months pregnant) and apparently in front of all the kids and nanny told his friends who were over that I was pregnant and huge so im not his biggest fan this week.

I will think about it again when I'm less annoyed at him as a person. I don't want to alienate the kid, he seems like he's just searching for connections and I don't want to hurt his feelings by rejecting him at all.

I am the last of the posters you quoted, and I would be bristling in your shoes too. I don't think there is an easy answer since it sounds like you like the kid but not the dad (for understandable reasons!). FWIW, I think what I would do is when he makes a request (demand), be up front about whether you are willing to accommodate it. So on the cartoon thing, I would have said something like, "I totally understand that you'd rather not do cartoons. My kids generally do watch cartoons at xyz time - would you like me to send him home then?" That way if you do send him home, it's not about you "rejecting" him but about his dad saying he can't watch cartoons. Personally, on the nail polish thing, I would just tell the kids no nail polish when he's there as his family doesn't allow it," because even my slightly nail polish obsessed daughter would rather spend time playing with a friend that painting her nails (of course if he is overstaying his welcome and your daughter doesn't feel that way, I would think about how to set boundaries on when he visits). I would also touch base with your nanny on this and make sure she isn't feeling taken advantage of as it sounds like this man might be prone to not treating employees (even those of others) very nicely. Good luck, and I love that you are trying to think of this little boy's feelings even when his dad has your hackles up!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Lived abroad? As a foreigner, with all sorts of international friends, I wonder why you think it matters. Are all foreigners backwards and conservative to you?

Plenty of people don't like nail polish on youngsters. Some don't like pink or girly things on their boys, but it doesn't mean they're homophobic.

Just don't polish his nails. Easy!

Of course not. He's not a foreigner himself anyway. White American dudes. Just happened to live abroad for a lot of his life. I don't think foreigners are conservative either I think that his dad has a clear image of what being an American boy means and that that image does not include nail polish or princess dresses. His dad was raised stateside. I just mean the kid was raised in a different culture and it shows in a lack of ease in integrating with American kids.

A 7 year old kid who didn't grow up with American friends or siblings... he's just a little peculiar. He comes across like a kid who thinks he's already an adult but who also wishes he was a more carefree kid.

Unless this child has been living with native tribes somewhere, please abandon this idea that this child is different because of his living abroad. Our elementary school in downtown Bethesda welcomes children from 60 nations, some of whom don't speak English when they arrive. They all know how to play together, and don't act peculiar! Except the ones with specific types of special needs. I suspect this child has socio-communication issues. I have a kid with ADHD and Asperger's. It has nothing to do with language or culture, it's differences in brain functioning and can happen to any family in any country. This has nothing to do with the father not wanting nail polish on his son either. Stop conflating everything, it makes everything worse.

Whatever the reason, I only mention it because I think it is part of why the kid is bff with my dd and seemingly thirsty for friends and interaction.

He is somewhat socially awkward. Based on my own experiences (family in the foreign service!) I think that kids that bounce around cultures, particularly only children, are prone to a specific kind of awkwardness that comes from not being entrenched in American mannerisms while growing up.

It's not a qualitative analysis of his worth, it's speculation as to why he's a little weird. This feeling of his having a hard time fitting in is a significant reason why I am ok with him hanging around 24/7 and not wanting to hurt him or make him feel rejected by us.

Just stop with the cultural interpretations, at this point you've been told multiple times that you're wrong.
I was that child in bold. I was not awkward. Nor were any of my similarly situated friends. You are mixing up multiple issues. Just accept that this child is peculiar. It's perfectly fine to be peculiar. You don't need to create a story for him to excuse this. When you think about it, that's rather offensive of you, as if special needs had to be excused...

The kid is peculiar, the dad is clueless, it makes sense, since mental health disorders are inherited, OP. No need to look further than that. Continue to be friendly if you can, and set boundaries when you must. Thank you.