Reply to WWYD - neighbor doesn't like fingernail painting

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Can’t you just tell your kids “some families don’t think it’s good to paint nails so we’re only going to do it when it’s just us.” Then I’d kid comes over, nail polish doesn’t get put out or if he comes over and it’s out you say “oh, some parents don’t like polish so it’s our rule that other kids can’t paint nails at our house. Let us finish up then we can do something else.”

There are lots of parents who wouldn’t want you painting their kids nails, me included - even for girls. If you are otherwise are happy with this kid being over, honoring their wishes is a kindness to him and the dad. It sounds a bit like you’re uncomfortable telling your kids no to an activity (I may be projecting there) but that’s really all that needs to be done here.[/quote]

I'm not uncomfortable telling them no to an activity. I'm uncomfortable making any of the kids feel ashamed about something like this. [/quote]

I don't understand why you would need to make them feel uncomfortable. My DD has always loved makeup and nail polish and when she was younger, the rule was no nail polish or makeup on playdates unless I knew the parent was ok with it. I was surprised how many parents didn't allow nail polish (and this was almost all girls, so not even a gender issue). I simply said that every family has different rules, and [friend's] family doesn't allow nail polish, so we respect that. No shaming involved, same as if family didn't allow tv or video games or certain foods or whatever.  [/quote]

The responses here are making me think im just bristling due to the broader situation. He also tried to tell me the other night he doesn't want kid to watch kids cartoons. But he's ok sending the kid over after dinner most evenings which is when DD and DS get to watch a show (which everyone knows, they know our whole daily schedule because kid knows he has to leave for naps and dinner). And gave me examples of things like baseball games that would be better for neighbor kid.

And like I don't care if that's what you want him to watch but I'm not changing dd and ds's routine to suite other dad's parenting choices.

It's also not the first time he's kind of told nanny how to nanny his kid. They have a live in Filipino woman who has lived with them forever and frequently seems a little disgruntled with dad... be definitely views nanny like "the help" in a way im not totally comfortable with.

He also told me I was huge the other day (I'm almost 7 months pregnant) and apparently in front of all the kids and nanny told his friends who were over that I was pregnant and huge so im not his biggest fan this week.

I will think about it again when I'm less annoyed at him as a person. I don't want to alienate the kid, he seems like he's just searching for connections and I don't want to hurt his feelings by rejecting him at all.[/quote]

I am the last of the posters you quoted, and I would be bristling in your shoes too. I don't think there is an easy answer since it sounds like you like the kid but not the dad (for understandable reasons!). FWIW, I think what I would do is when he makes a request (demand), be up front about whether you are willing to accommodate it. So on the cartoon thing, I would have said something like, "I totally understand that you'd rather not do cartoons. My kids generally do watch cartoons at xyz time - would you like me to send him home then?" That way if you do send him home, it's not about you "rejecting" him but about his dad saying he can't watch cartoons. Personally, on the nail polish thing, I would just tell the kids no nail polish when he's there as his family doesn't allow it," because even my slightly nail polish obsessed daughter would rather spend time playing with a friend that painting her nails (of course if he is overstaying his welcome and your daughter doesn't feel that way, I would think about how to set boundaries on when he visits). I would also touch base with your nanny on this and make sure she isn't feeling taken advantage of as it sounds like this man might be prone to not treating employees (even those of others) very nicely. Good luck, and I love that you are trying to think of this little boy's feelings even when his dad has your hackles up![/quote]

I agree with PP.  If the dad knows your daily schedule of watching cartoons, he doesn't get to dictate what your kids watch.  I appreciate your compassion, PP.  Some kids are lonely and need a kind neighbor.  Thank you for being that person.  I would ask the nanny either not to paint nails while the little boy is over OR to designate a specific day for nail painting, say, Thursday afternoons.  Let neighbor dad know that Thursday afternoon at 4 is when nail polish is being "refreshed" and his son is welcome to come over afterwards.[/quote]

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