How did your spouse (or you) resolve long-term unemployment?
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Anonymous
No, everyone would enjoy that. Why do you think it is owed to anyone, especially at someone else's expense? |
Anonymous
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I am married to man exactly like yours. It even seems like our chore split is the same. He was unemployed for 3 years. He made over $200k until he was laid off when his company went under when he was in his mid 40s. When he didn’t quickly find another job, he got discouraged and depressed and basically shut down. Meanwhile, I quit my mommy tracked job, leaned in (way in) and have more than doubled my salary to help make up the slack.
Our marriage really started falling apart. I insisted on individual counseling for him and joint for us. The counselor made me realize I was partially at fault for enabling him. I made sure everything was taken care is so he never really worried about anything. She told me I had to give him an ultimatum and mean it. He took a job making less than 1/3 of his old salary. Within a year, he was up to 1/2 his old salary and now 4 years and a job change later, he’s almost where he was once was and we’re slowly rebuilding our savings. His company isn’t doing great and I constantly stress over another layoff and have made it clear that if that happens, I’m not sticking by prolonged unemployment again. He either needs to figure things out quickly or he’s out, I don’t care how much it costs me. Our marriage will never be the same. I tolerate this roommate like arrangement bc as long as he’s employed, we’re both better off socking away as much as possible for as long as possible and he is a help with kids, dinner and some other chores. If my career continues to climb and I reach a certain amount salary-wise, I might decide to move on, especially when the kids are older. |
Anonymous
But what if he doesn't WANT to work? What then??? |
Anonymous
Then he can join the ranks of the homeless. |
Anonymous
| Not fair! |
Anonymous
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I've written extensively in the pass about my DH who suffers from depression/ADHD and was unemployed for a long time. He was in a toxic work environment and we agreed it was better for him to quit and that we could float for no more than 6 months before he HAD to get a job. You can guess what happened next.
I didn't realize he was spiraling into a major depression when he quit his job. His parents had significant health issues and eventually died and the medication DH used to control his depression was no longer effective. We have 3 kids and they were late to school at least once a week. The house was a complete disaster, kids at like sh!t, I did all the cooking, I did all the laundry. I did all the therapy appointments (2 kids had ST/OT/PT). For nearly 2 years, I did it all. I ended up 'catching' his depression and was on an SSRI. DH refused to seek a change in his medication, refused therapy (we had a relationship counselor we used early in our relationship and found it useful) and I saw no light at the end of the tunnel. DH just didn't give a sh!t. It got to the point that I decided the kids and I were better off without him. I gave DH an ultimatum. I don't know why he didn't think I was serious. Part of it was the depression, I'm sure. But, when he didn't act, I did. I consulted with an attorney - and made sure DH knew it. I started looking for other places to live, asked him how he'd like to handle the sale of the house, if he would be getting an attorney, etc. I also completely disengaged from him, sort of what I later learned was like the 180. Although my marriage was broken and I was moving on, it was the shock DH needed to turn things around. This was all about 8 years ago. DH is underemployed, 50 and in the service industry. I have little hope that he'll ever be in a professional job again but his depression is under control and he pulls his weight. It's not how I pictured our marriage but we are sufficiently successful to remain together. However, he knows I cannot, and will not, allow myself to get pulled down like was when he was in that major depressive episode. I'm not as resilient. |
Anonymous
He can go beg his parents to take care of him again. They raised this. |
Anonymous
| I've been in a similar situation for years now and have posted about it. It's hell. I don't think he'll ever work again. |
Anonymous
| BTDT. Got rid of him and much happier. |
Anonymous
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OP - DH has to be willing to get a mental health evaluation with a psychiatrist and be open to medication if recommended. You both need some couples counseling which might be a way to get him into individual therapy in time to figure out a more positive way forward. You need to consider the impact of how things are going on your children. If he has not had a job in a long time, have you explored ways to perhaps rebuild his confidence or self-esteem AND developing a routine slowly to get him doing something that might reignite more of an interest in life? options might be a non-credit class at a community college --- which might well offer Jon related certificate programs, a volunteer job in an area of interest or one using some of his skills? Has he gone to the local workforce center to see if he might qualify for anr retraining?
I do go back to dealing with his mental health first and for younto see a counselor who can help you figure out how to support, but not enable yor husband. Also, to try to define as partners perhaps in small steps what he woukd do for kids, in the house and then as you might a child to learn to praise him on small things and see how it goes. You need someone in your corner to support you because right now DH is unable to do so. Consider what your kids need, too. |
Anonymous
Did you read what she wrote? Does not sound like he is supporting her career since she is handling all of the logistical items and half of the meal prep. That sounds like what my DH does...while working FT. |
Anonymous
| He needs to get a job, any job, $10/hour job. That is non negotiable. |
Anonymous
| "poor executive functioning" Is that code for lazy, man-child? |
Anonymous
| You married a loser & had children with him. Consider the alimony you'll pay a stupidity penalty. Highly doubt you'll make the same mistake again. |
Anonymous
OP here: Yes. |