How did your spouse (or you) resolve long-term unemployment?

[Anonymous]

Could be fun for the DH to just get out there and have some unrestricted "me" time and buy/do fun things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your spouse or partner was unemployed long term (like 3-5 years or more), how did it get resolved? Did he or she get a job in the same industry but at a lower level? Decide to do unskilled or blue collar labor? Never really work again?

Did you divorce? If so, did you end up paying high amounts of child support and alimony because he or she had no recent record of earning a salary? Did the courts take into account that your ex-spouse was physically capable of working when doing the calculations?

My spouse has now been unemployed so many years that I can't imagine anyone hiring him. The jobs he talks about applying for (but doesn't) are totally out of reach -- they would have been realistic years ago, but not anymore. He has a couple people (friend, family) that could probably get him a low-level job, but they live very far away in places I would never move to.

Yes, he is depressed, says he has (undiagnosed) anxiety, and he's got executive function issues (not sure if it's linked to ADD or something like that). He won't go on medication or therapy "because they don't work."

I'm feeling stuck because if I divorce I'll have to pay him tremendous amounts of child support according to all the calculators. I think sometimes it's better to keep him around because he's not a big spender and he is a full partner in caring for our (young) children. I don't love him anymore and wouldn't miss him if he were gone, but I can't afford to pay child support in the required amounts.

I want to believe that he can work again, but I see no evidence of that right now.

OP, have you met with an attorney to figure out what you realistically will need to pay? Meet with an attorney to get a true picture. I'm pretty sure you will indeed have to pay alimony -but I don't know how it works and I assume every state is different. Once you are armed with some information from your lawyer, you can make an ultimatum to your husband. Get a job within a month or I'm filing for a divorce. And then be prepared to follow through.

My friend is going through your exact situation. Her husband has been out of work more than 7 years. She could not take the stress mentally or physically any longer (she has MS). She filed rather quickly and is agreeing to pay him alimony for two years, of a ridiculous amount which I don't think she can even afford (she said she is taking out a loan!?) - yet in her mind, its better than being with him and dealing with a depressed, unmotivated person who is not willing to take even a simple part time job. She told him if he had just gotten a job at Home Depot on the weekends and a few evenings, none of this would have happened. She would have been OK with it as long as he was doing SOMETHING.

Will she lose money, will she not see her kids as much? - yes, but the trade off is worth it to her. She's already 100 times happier. I've seen these situations all the time. The men become complacent and make excuses until its too late. I bet he'll magically be able to find a job once the divorce is final and he's not living off of her money anymore.

[Anonymous]

OP he'll end up having to get a job once you divorce. At that point you can go back to court to remove alimony. I would divorce him, or leave a list of items he needs to do each day. I'm pretty sure he can throw things into a crock pot, and clean something each day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your spouse or partner was unemployed long term (like 3-5 years or more), how did it get resolved? Did he or she get a job in the same industry but at a lower level? Decide to do unskilled or blue collar labor? Never really work again?

Did you divorce? If so, did you end up paying high amounts of child support and alimony because he or she had no recent record of earning a salary? Did the courts take into account that your ex-spouse was physically capable of working when doing the calculations?

My spouse has now been unemployed so many years that I can't imagine anyone hiring him. The jobs he talks about applying for (but doesn't) are totally out of reach -- they would have been realistic years ago, but not anymore. He has a couple people (friend, family) that could probably get him a low-level job, but they live very far away in places I would never move to.

Yes, he is depressed, says he has (undiagnosed) anxiety, and he's got executive function issues (not sure if it's linked to ADD or something like that). He won't go on medication or therapy "because they don't work."

I'm feeling stuck because if I divorce I'll have to pay him tremendous amounts of child support according to all the calculators. I think sometimes it's better to keep him around because he's not a big spender and he is a full partner in caring for our (young) children. I don't love him anymore and wouldn't miss him if he were gone, but I can't afford to pay child support in the required amounts.

I want to believe that he can work again, but I see no evidence of that right now.

OP, have you met with an attorney to figure out what you realistically will need to pay? Meet with an attorney to get a true picture. I'm pretty sure you will indeed have to pay alimony -but I don't know how it works and I assume every state is different. Once you are armed with some information from your lawyer, you can make an ultimatum to your husband. Get a job within a month or I'm filing for a divorce. And then be prepared to follow through.

My friend is going through your exact situation. Her husband has been out of work more than 7 years. She could not take the stress mentally or physically any longer (she has MS). She filed rather quickly and is agreeing to pay him alimony for two years, of a ridiculous amount which I don't think she can even afford (she said she is taking out a loan!?) - yet in her mind, its better than being with him and dealing with a depressed, unmotivated person who is not willing to take even a simple part time job. She told him if he had just gotten a job at Home Depot on the weekends and a few evenings, none of this would have happened. She would have been OK with it as long as he was doing SOMETHING.

Will she lose money, will she not see her kids as much? - yes, but the trade off is worth it to her. She's already 100 times happier. I've seen these situations all the time. The men become complacent and make excuses until its too late. I bet he'll magically be able to find a job once the divorce is final and he's not living off of her money anymore.

Oh yes it will spin her head. My friend died a few years back. Her lazy spouse decided to take a early retirement at age 50 because he was stressed out. He was a probation officer, and his retirement was a measly $1200/mo. He never went back to work. She made all the money, but after she died he lost 25 lbs. and started doing things to supplement his income. It sounds like OPs husband is using her.

[Anonymous]

Why can't OP encourage DH to become part of our economy instead of casting him aside? Baby steps could include a stipend, where he gets a certain amount of money he can spend each week (on things he wants or wants to do ) in order to learn about making sound financial choices. Then, in lieu of getting a job, which is something he may not be comfortable with, she could employ him on a casual basis to run errands, assist with light housekeeping, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can't OP encourage DH to become part of our economy instead of casting him aside? Baby steps could include a stipend, where he gets a certain amount of money he can spend each week (on things he wants or wants to do ) in order to learn about making sound financial choices. Then, in lieu of getting a job, which is something he may not be comfortable with, she could employ him on a casual basis to run errands, assist with light housekeeping, etc.

WTH? Sounds like his was written by someone who has money to burn or who also isn't "comfortable" in the work force.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can't OP encourage DH to become part of our economy instead of casting him aside? Baby steps could include a stipend, where he gets a certain amount of money he can spend each week (on things he wants or wants to do ) in order to learn about making sound financial choices. Then, in lieu of getting a job, which is something he may not be comfortable with, she could employ him on a casual basis to run errands, assist with light housekeeping, etc.

Employ her husband to do stuff he should be doing anyway as an adult member of the household???

[Anonymous]

I just love the hypocrisy from the women posting here. You makes yourselves look like fools calling a man “lazy” for pretty much doing exactly what most SAHM’s do (or don’t do).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just love the hypocrisy from the women posting here. You makes yourselves look like fools calling a man “lazy” for pretty much doing exactly what most SAHM’s do (or don’t do).

I’ve never seen the lazy SAHMs your type claim to know when you’re posting on DCUM. Every SAHM I know manages the family’s schedules, groceries, kid appointments... And before you ask I may the mortgage in my household.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just love the hypocrisy from the women posting here. You makes yourselves look like fools calling a man “lazy” for pretty much doing exactly what most SAHM’s do (or don’t do).

I’ve never seen the lazy SAHMs your type claim to know when you’re posting on DCUM. Every SAHM I know manages the family’s schedules, groceries, kid appointments... And before you ask I may the mortgage in my household.

Seriously. There is a HUGE difference between a stay at home parent and someone who just decides not to work.

No one can stay at home unilaterally- even if they are performing most household responsibilities. You can't just decide that your spouse is going to be a bread winner.

But in the case of all of these husbands, they aren't doing any of the traditional stay at home parent ) spouse work.

They're just selfish freeloaders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can't OP encourage DH to become part of our economy instead of casting him aside? Baby steps could include a stipend, where he gets a certain amount of money he can spend each week (on things he wants or wants to do ) in order to learn about making sound financial choices. Then, in lieu of getting a job, which is something he may not be comfortable with, she could employ him on a casual basis to run errands, assist with light housekeeping, etc.

If he is 12 years old, that would be developmentally appropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't OP encourage DH to become part of our economy instead of casting him aside? Baby steps could include a stipend, where he gets a certain amount of money he can spend each week (on things he wants or wants to do ) in order to learn about making sound financial choices. Then, in lieu of getting a job, which is something he may not be comfortable with, she could employ him on a casual basis to run errands, assist with light housekeeping, etc.

If he is 12 years old, that would be developmentally appropriate.

?????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't OP encourage DH to become part of our economy instead of casting him aside? Baby steps could include a stipend, where he gets a certain amount of money he can spend each week (on things he wants or wants to do ) in order to learn about making sound financial choices. Then, in lieu of getting a job, which is something he may not be comfortable with, she could employ him on a casual basis to run errands, assist with light housekeeping, etc.

If he is 12 years old, that would be developmentally appropriate.

?????

Darn it. Those were supposed to be laugh emojis.