How did your spouse (or you) resolve long-term unemployment?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he’s a full partner in parenting and not working, is he doing most of the doctor appointments, dentist, meal prep, childcare? A stay at home spouse is better than a non-working ex, I’d think.

OP here: I'm the default parent for all the doctors' appointments, any family travel, all bill paying, setting up and monitoring 529s, kids' clothing, school research/lottery/registration -- all that stuff. He's classic poor executive functioning -- may want to schedule a medical appointment for himself, but needs to be reminded or he needs help identifying a doctor, then either forgets to go or gets anxious and bails.

We're about 50-50 on meal prep and he probably covers about one or two extra hours a day of child care during the week (after school and before I get home, or if I have to go to work early). He does most of the school pick up and drop off (school is one block away). He usually does the dishes but the house is a mess when I get home.

I think the main difference is we were to divorce would be that I'd have to make dinner more.

I TOTALLY understand a few of the posters saying it's the same as supporting a stay at home mom. Most stay at home moms would be the default parent and be expected to manage the house, or at least oversee someone else doing it (housekeeper). That's not the case here.

DP. That's the problem, I think. He's not doing anything. My DH has been unemployed for 8 years and honestly, I'm not sure whether that will ever change. BUT, since we've had kids, he's been a SAHD and is the default parent. He does 85% of stuff at home - cooks, cleans, grocery shops, runs errands, handles our finances, etc. He takes the kids to doctor and dentist appointments, handles paperwork at school and camp/activities. That's allowed me to focus on my career and lean in, so to speak. There are still certain areas I primarily handle - school/education issues, homework, play dates, vacation planning, and other big picture type stuff.

Have you talked with your DH about doing more around the house? You say he has poor executive functioning - but have you actually left him to handle things on his own? What would happen if you did? So he doesn't go to the doctor - ok, not ideal, but he's a grown man. You can't force him to go. Is there any chance he doesn't do any of the things you mentioned because he knows YOU will do it? It might not get done exactly the way that you would do it or on your preferred time frame, but if it gets done in an acceptable fashion, that's all that matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:so you have a stay-at-home father and you are considering divorcing him.

All things being equal then he should get the kids and you should pay child support and alimony. You should move out of the house and he gets to keep it.

He is supporting you in your career. Without him your career would not be possible. He is at home doing unpaid labor while take advantage of that labor and spend your day having fun at work.

Except it sounds like he's not performing in the role of a stay at home father...

OP you need a lawyer and a therapist. If you're inclined to save the marriage, the intensive therapy option sounds like it's worth pursuing. As to professional options, it's hard to say what is available to him without knowing his field.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your spouse or partner was unemployed long term (like 3-5 years or more), how did it get resolved? Did he or she get a job in the same industry but at a lower level? Decide to do unskilled or blue collar labor? Never really work again?

Did you divorce? If so, did you end up paying high amounts of child support and alimony because he or she had no recent record of earning a salary? Did the courts take into account that your ex-spouse was physically capable of working when doing the calculations?

My spouse has now been unemployed so many years that I can't imagine anyone hiring him. The jobs he talks about applying for (but doesn't) are totally out of reach -- they would have been realistic years ago, but not anymore. He has a couple people (friend, family) that could probably get him a low-level job, but they live very far away in places I would never move to.

Yes, he is depressed, says he has (undiagnosed) anxiety, and he's got executive function issues (not sure if it's linked to ADD or something like that). He won't go on medication or therapy "because they don't work."

I'm feeling stuck because if I divorce I'll have to pay him tremendous amounts of child support according to all the calculators. I think sometimes it's better to keep him around because he's not a big spender and he is a full partner in caring for our (young) children. I don't love him anymore and wouldn't miss him if he were gone, but I can't afford to pay child support in the required amounts.

I want to believe that he can work again, but I see no evidence of that right now.

Well, maybe he just doesn't enjoy working and simply prefers non-structured, leisure-oriented "me" time over having to a) go somewhere, b) conform to expectations, c) preform work tasks, etc. He may just have found that he prefers relaxing to doing those kinds of things. Did you ever consider that OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:so you have a stay-at-home father and you are considering divorcing him.

All things being equal then he should get the kids and you should pay child support and alimony. You should move out of the house and he gets to keep it.

He is supporting you in your career. Without him your career would not be possible. He is at home doing unpaid labor while take advantage of that labor and spend your day having fun at work.

Uh, no. This is OP.

How do you figure that without him my "career would not be possible"? I put myself through school, I've found and excelled at every job I've had, I purchased my home with my own money before meeting him, I pay all bills for my family, AND I also am the default parent for most things. Kids are in school. My career would be 100% fine without him. I'm not some big law partner working 15 hour days or whatever who needs to outsource everything to a stay at home parent and hired help.

I put in full days at work, then have another shift at night and on the weekends doing regular parenting and home stuff. I'm not complaining about the second shift (that's what parenting is), but I have a spouse who has like half a shift max. He's NOT "at home doing unpaid labor" -- that's the problem. He's at home doing the most basic parenting -- walking the kids a couple blocks to school, making spaghetti (from a jar) for dinner -- and he doesn't do anything else really.

He could work without a significant impact on our home life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your spouse or partner was unemployed long term (like 3-5 years or more), how did it get resolved? Did he or she get a job in the same industry but at a lower level? Decide to do unskilled or blue collar labor? Never really work again?

Did you divorce? If so, did you end up paying high amounts of child support and alimony because he or she had no recent record of earning a salary? Did the courts take into account that your ex-spouse was physically capable of working when doing the calculations?

My spouse has now been unemployed so many years that I can't imagine anyone hiring him. The jobs he talks about applying for (but doesn't) are totally out of reach -- they would have been realistic years ago, but not anymore. He has a couple people (friend, family) that could probably get him a low-level job, but they live very far away in places I would never move to.

Yes, he is depressed, says he has (undiagnosed) anxiety, and he's got executive function issues (not sure if it's linked to ADD or something like that). He won't go on medication or therapy "because they don't work."

I'm feeling stuck because if I divorce I'll have to pay him tremendous amounts of child support according to all the calculators. I think sometimes it's better to keep him around because he's not a big spender and he is a full partner in caring for our (young) children. I don't love him anymore and wouldn't miss him if he were gone, but I can't afford to pay child support in the required amounts.

I want to believe that he can work again, but I see no evidence of that right now.

Well, maybe he just doesn't enjoy working and simply prefers non-structured, leisure-oriented "me" time over having to a) go somewhere, b) conform to expectations, c) preform work tasks, etc. He may just have found that he prefers relaxing to doing those kinds of things. Did you ever consider that OP?

We would all like to do just exactly what we please, but, hey, stuff has to get done, money has to be made and the bills have to be paid. Not exactly equitable distribution if only one person gets stuck with the unpleasant tasks or 'work' and the other assigns himself 'playing x-box' and 'watching Netflix'.

[Anonymous]

I'd drag him to a therapist or it would be over. I'd make him getting a job a condition of staying together. I'd then serve him with papers as soon as he got a job so I wouldn't have to pay as much alimony, if any. And if I did have to pay alimony I'd be okay with it- I'd rather pay him money and not have to look at his dumb face every day.

[Anonymous]

So basically he's pretty lazy. I would make him a list of things to do. Cooking meal, shopping, washing, and cleaning. OP if he won't even do that yes I'd get rid of him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SAHMs get back into the workforce all the time. They change fields/go back to school/start entry level; they go back into their original field at a lower level; sometimes they launch their own successful businesses.

And working men who want to divorce their SAHM wives face the same alimony/child support dilemma that you do.

Equality, baby.

This guy has untreated adhd; his constant unexplained “snafus” at work and at home have now led to his anxiety, depression and lack of effort.

I’d talk with a lawyer or two to get some real info. He’s not disabled and if he won’t manage his issues for a wife and kids then that’s it. Done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Welcome to a man's world. Isn't it great

What about the spouse with a mental disorder part?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd drag him to a therapist or it would be over. I'd make him getting a job a condition of staying together. I'd then serve him with papers as soon as he got a job so I wouldn't have to pay as much alimony, if any. And if I did have to pay alimony I'd be okay with it- I'd rather pay him money and not have to look at his dumb face every day.

Agree. Psychiatrist, neuro psyche test, meds, therapy, executive functioning coach. But HE has to want it. Or game over. Send home back to his parents who should have gotten him treated in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your spouse or partner was unemployed long term (like 3-5 years or more), how did it get resolved? Did he or she get a job in the same industry but at a lower level? Decide to do unskilled or blue collar labor? Never really work again?

Did you divorce? If so, did you end up paying high amounts of child support and alimony because he or she had no recent record of earning a salary? Did the courts take into account that your ex-spouse was physically capable of working when doing the calculations?

My spouse has now been unemployed so many years that I can't imagine anyone hiring him. The jobs he talks about applying for (but doesn't) are totally out of reach -- they would have been realistic years ago, but not anymore. He has a couple people (friend, family) that could probably get him a low-level job, but they live very far away in places I would never move to.

Yes, he is depressed, says he has (undiagnosed) anxiety, and he's got executive function issues (not sure if it's linked to ADD or something like that). He won't go on medication or therapy "because they don't work."

I'm feeling stuck because if I divorce I'll have to pay him tremendous amounts of child support according to all the calculators. I think sometimes it's better to keep him around because he's not a big spender and he is a full partner in caring for our (young) children. I don't love him anymore and wouldn't miss him if he were gone, but I can't afford to pay child support in the required amounts.

I want to believe that he can work again, but I see no evidence of that right now.

Well, maybe he just doesn't enjoy working and simply prefers non-structured, leisure-oriented "me" time over having to a) go somewhere, b) conform to expectations, c) preform work tasks, etc. He may just have found that he prefers relaxing to doing those kinds of things. Did you ever consider that OP?

We would all like to do just exactly what we please, but, hey, stuff has to get done, money has to be made and the bills have to be paid. Not exactly equitable distribution if only one person gets stuck with the unpleasant tasks or 'work' and the other assigns himself 'playing x-box' and 'watching Netflix'.

But, again, what if he doesn't enjoy working, or perhaps isn't comfortable with the "realities" of working (i.e., commute, attire, responsibilities, etc.) and just really enjoys being free of those things? Maybe OP ought to consider that before making all these wild accusations.

[Anonymous]

He was a SAHD for a while, he went to cooking school, and he did contract work before he and a friend started their own law firm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your spouse or partner was unemployed long term (like 3-5 years or more), how did it get resolved? Did he or she get a job in the same industry but at a lower level? Decide to do unskilled or blue collar labor? Never really work again?

Did you divorce? If so, did you end up paying high amounts of child support and alimony because he or she had no recent record of earning a salary? Did the courts take into account that your ex-spouse was physically capable of working when doing the calculations?

My spouse has now been unemployed so many years that I can't imagine anyone hiring him. The jobs he talks about applying for (but doesn't) are totally out of reach -- they would have been realistic years ago, but not anymore. He has a couple people (friend, family) that could probably get him a low-level job, but they live very far away in places I would never move to.

Yes, he is depressed, says he has (undiagnosed) anxiety, and he's got executive function issues (not sure if it's linked to ADD or something like that). He won't go on medication or therapy "because they don't work."

I'm feeling stuck because if I divorce I'll have to pay him tremendous amounts of child support according to all the calculators. I think sometimes it's better to keep him around because he's not a big spender and he is a full partner in caring for our (young) children. I don't love him anymore and wouldn't miss him if he were gone, but I can't afford to pay child support in the required amounts.

I want to believe that he can work again, but I see no evidence of that right now.

Well, maybe he just doesn't enjoy working and simply prefers non-structured, leisure-oriented "me" time over having to a) go somewhere, b) conform to expectations, c) preform work tasks, etc. He may just have found that he prefers relaxing to doing those kinds of things. Did you ever consider that OP?

We would all like to do just exactly what we please, but, hey, stuff has to get done, money has to be made and the bills have to be paid. Not exactly equitable distribution if only one person gets stuck with the unpleasant tasks or 'work' and the other assigns himself 'playing x-box' and 'watching Netflix'.

But, again, what if he doesn't enjoy working, or perhaps isn't comfortable with the "realities" of working (i.e., commute, attire, responsibilities, etc.) and just really enjoys being free of those things? Maybe OP ought to consider that before making all these wild accusations.

Ok. So he's lazy and irresponsible. How is that even close to ok?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your spouse or partner was unemployed long term (like 3-5 years or more), how did it get resolved? Did he or she get a job in the same industry but at a lower level? Decide to do unskilled or blue collar labor? Never really work again?

Did you divorce? If so, did you end up paying high amounts of child support and alimony because he or she had no recent record of earning a salary? Did the courts take into account that your ex-spouse was physically capable of working when doing the calculations?

My spouse has now been unemployed so many years that I can't imagine anyone hiring him. The jobs he talks about applying for (but doesn't) are totally out of reach -- they would have been realistic years ago, but not anymore. He has a couple people (friend, family) that could probably get him a low-level job, but they live very far away in places I would never move to.

Yes, he is depressed, says he has (undiagnosed) anxiety, and he's got executive function issues (not sure if it's linked to ADD or something like that). He won't go on medication or therapy "because they don't work."

I'm feeling stuck because if I divorce I'll have to pay him tremendous amounts of child support according to all the calculators. I think sometimes it's better to keep him around because he's not a big spender and he is a full partner in caring for our (young) children. I don't love him anymore and wouldn't miss him if he were gone, but I can't afford to pay child support in the required amounts.

I want to believe that he can work again, but I see no evidence of that right now.

Well, maybe he just doesn't enjoy working and simply prefers non-structured, leisure-oriented "me" time over having to a) go somewhere, b) conform to expectations, c) preform work tasks, etc. He may just have found that he prefers relaxing to doing those kinds of things. Did you ever consider that OP?

We would all like to do just exactly what we please, but, hey, stuff has to get done, money has to be made and the bills have to be paid. Not exactly equitable distribution if only one person gets stuck with the unpleasant tasks or 'work' and the other assigns himself 'playing x-box' and 'watching Netflix'.

But, again, what if he doesn't enjoy working, or perhaps isn't comfortable with the "realities" of working (i.e., commute, attire, responsibilities, etc.) and just really enjoys being free of those things? Maybe OP ought to consider that before making all these wild accusations.

Ok. So he's lazy and irresponsible. How is that even close to ok?

[Anonymous]

Some people enjoy having leisure time and a reasonably comfortable life free of the drudgery of work. Why is that hard to understand?