Acquaintance said something hateful

[Anonymous]

Again, I intentionally left out the group - but it seems like you all think Republicans and anti-vaxxers should kill themselves, which is interesting. Depressing (and I'm not either), but interesting. I'm in therapy for severe depression, and I was mostly curious if this is how society is these days, you know? I'm conflicted between protecting my own life (yes, tell a very depressed person to kill themselves and you never know what will happen) and being so lonely I'll be friends with anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"It's too bad you people won't just kill yourselves."

Not including the group on purpose, both so I won't be attacked and because I personally think it's irrelevant. But this acquaintance is kind of the queen bee of the group, and I'm unsure how to proceed with everyone else. I'm new in town, and don't have any friends of my own - the entire circle is basically acquaintances. I don't know how deep this kind of feeling goes, and I'm desperate for friends. Ideas?

Context and tone do matter, so it's a little hard to help you out with this. And it would help to determine just how deep the feeling goes, or even if it's a real feeling or just a bad choice of words/joke. Nobody can really give you a blanket answer to this.

[Anonymous]

Unless by you people she meant young beautiful slim & rich with great hair I would find other friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Again, I intentionally left out the group - but it seems like you all think Republicans and anti-vaxxers should kill themselves, which is interesting. Depressing (and I'm not either), but interesting. I'm in therapy for severe depression, and I was mostly curious if this is how society is these days, you know? I'm conflicted between protecting my own life (yes, tell a very depressed person to kill themselves and you never know what will happen) and being so lonely I'll be friends with anyone.

Nobody here thinks that, which makes me think you've taken a statement out of context and posted it here.

[Anonymous]

Well, OP, no, you won't obviously because you came here suggesting that it was unacceptable to you. That's a good thing. It IS unacceptable.

I've gone through severe depression so I feel like I can say this with a slight degree of experience - being friends with "just anyone" only makes things worse. You find yourself in the situation here, having a dipshit say someone of "your group" should kill themselves. Being more discerning in your friendships will actually bolster you, make you feel good, will make you less lonely. Feeling like a fish out of water amongst a group of people only fuels the loneliness.

So start looking for people who make you feel good.

[Anonymous]

She sounds like she really can't handle complexity (in people, in ideas, in whatever events are leading to her view that this group of people is responsible for the specific challenges she wants them to kill themselves to solve).

That would make her too boring to want to be friends with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand the question.

How do you react when an acquaintance tells you she wishes people in a group you belong to would just kill themselves? Especially when you're desperate for friends and she runs the group. Not complicated.

No, it's not. How is this even a question??
Spoiler alert: You leave the damn group and look for friends elsewhere.
Tip: provide context next time. This is utterly bizarre for someone to say, and context would help.

I didn't want to start a debate, but fine. It was along the lines of "I wish Jews/Christians/Muslims/Democrats/Republicans/Midwesterners/feds/whatever would just kill themselves". I belong to the group in the group. She does not know (so yeah, it's not race).

And yes, I'm that desperate for friends. I'm so lonely it's killing me.

Does she have any potential to be a decent person (ie: ignorant vs evil)?

She’s the queen bee! Very likely evil.

-NP

[Anonymous]

It was probably something like drug addicts or alcoholics. These issues are really personal for a lot of people. It’s not right but that’s how some people react when a person in their family or a close friend is destroying their life with drugs/alcohol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She said it about Muslims or Jews or something? Or democrats? Just running though the possible options of what she may have said...

Maybe Anti-Vaxxers? There's a reason OP didn't tell us. If it was a religious group or skin color she would just say so and people would be pretty universally saying F That B, so I think it's something more unsympathetic.

If anti-vaxxers, it makes sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand the question.

How do you react when an acquaintance tells you she wishes people in a group you belong to would just kill themselves? Especially when you're desperate for friends and she runs the group. Not complicated.

No, it's not. How is this even a question??
Spoiler alert: You leave the damn group and look for friends elsewhere.
Tip: provide context next time. This is utterly bizarre for someone to say, and context would help.

I didn't want to start a debate, but fine. It was along the lines of "I wish Jews/Christians/Muslims/Democrats/Republicans/Midwesterners/feds/whatever would just kill themselves". I belong to the group in the group. She does not know (so yeah, it's not race).

And yes, I'm that desperate for friends. I'm so lonely it's killing me.

Does she have any potential to be a decent person (ie: ignorant vs evil)?

I mean, if it’s feds (and I say this as a fed) she could be a decent person. If it’s Jews, probably not.

[Anonymous]

I would respond in the moment, if I was feeling brave and strong, with something like "Hey, I'm a XXX and I find that pretty offensive."

And then I'd let the silence hang.

If I wasn't feeling so brave I might just get up and leave the room.

I would not pursue that person as a friend and would seek to get together with others.

I am sorry you are so lonely OP. That's a bigger issue than one nasty wench you were unfortunate enough to come across.

Is there an activity you enjoy doing, or a skill you've always wanted to learn? Perhaps you could find a class or something - I've made several friends that way.

Or volunteer w/ an organization - that can be another good route, especially if it's an ongoing commitment fulfilled through a group activity.

Or post on your neighborhood listserv that you're thinking of starting a book group and see if you get any interested responses. In face, you could make it more broad. "Hey all, I'd like to get to know some more folks in the neighborhood and am thinking about starting a book group, movie group, or something along those lines. Low commitment - maybe just once a month to get together at the moves or chat about a book or travel idea or something. Anyone interested in anything along those lines?"

Then you can see if you get any takers and build the activity around whatever you're all interested in.

I hope things look up for you soon. Don't sacrifice your own morals or ethics in the meantime. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would respond in the moment, if I was feeling brave and strong, with something like "Hey, I'm a XXX and I find that pretty offensive."

And then I'd let the silence hang.

If I wasn't feeling so brave I might just get up and leave the room.

I would not pursue that person as a friend and would seek to get together with others.

I am sorry you are so lonely OP. That's a bigger issue than one nasty wench you were unfortunate enough to come across.

Is there an activity you enjoy doing, or a skill you've always wanted to learn? Perhaps you could find a class or something - I've made several friends that way.

Or volunteer w/ an organization - that can be another good route, especially if it's an ongoing commitment fulfilled through a group activity.

Or post on your neighborhood listserv that you're thinking of starting a book group and see if you get any interested responses. In face, you could make it more broad. "Hey all, I'd like to get to know some more folks in the neighborhood and am thinking about starting a book group, movie group, or something along those lines. Low commitment - maybe just once a month to get together at the moves or chat about a book or travel idea or something. Anyone interested in anything along those lines?"

Then you can see if you get any takers and build the activity around whatever you're all interested in.

I hope things look up for you soon. Don't sacrifice your own morals or ethics in the meantime. Hang in there.

+1

Even if the OP belongs to a group I personally disagree with or dislike the point is that she does belong to that group and deserves friends who don't say people should kill themselves. While the acquaintance may have meant it jokingly, those kind of remarks can be very scary. All of the above suggestions are great -- I also recommend meetup.com or similar sites to find low-stress ways of meeting people who share your interests, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She said it about Muslims or Jews or something? Or democrats? Just running though the possible options of what she may have said...

Maybe Anti-Vaxxers? There's a reason OP didn't tell us. If it was a religious group or skin color she would just say so and people would be pretty universally saying F That B, so I think it's something more unsympathetic.

I don't disagree but I'm also not sure it's relevant.

[Anonymous]

So, it's like you're part of a Fans of Harry Potter group, but you keep your participation on the down-low. Then Queen Bee see's a woman wearing a HP tee and says, "I wish those HP lovers would kill themselves! Pathetic!" which offends you because you are one and now you don't know what to do, is that correct? Because your circle of friends is small and she's the Queen Bee of the circle.

You either have to call her out on it or just ignore it and talk bad about her behind her back to the other acquaintances.

The only exception is if Queen Bee was talking about anti-vaxxers. Those morons can GTFO.

[Anonymous]

Not sure you're going to get what you came here for OP. This thread is going sideways since it's now going to be all speculation that you're a Republican and whether that's OK to diss or not.

Hope you at least got some kernels of assistance here.