DH told me he’s unhappy in the marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He said he’s felt this way for months, but didn’t know how to tell me. It took him having a few drinks at happy hour to build up the courage. He said it’s not me, it’s him (classic) and that he doesn’t know where we should go from here. We’ve only been married for a little over a year so I would like to work through this and try to get things back on track. I’m open to counseling, but I’m not sure it will be enough. Any other suggestions?

If you've only been married for a year and he's already felt this way for months and you have no kids I'd say cut your losses and get out now.

This. Sorry. I know it might feel like a bullet only half-dodged, but this is exactly a starter marriage situation. Move on. This isn’t the guy to have babies with or waste any more youth or sanity over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He said he’s felt this way for months, but didn’t know how to tell me. It took him having a few drinks at happy hour to build up the courage. He said it’s not me, it’s him (classic) and that he doesn’t know where we should go from here. We’ve only been married for a little over a year so I would like to work through this and try to get things back on track. I’m open to counseling, but I’m not sure it will be enough. Any other suggestions?

If you've only been married for a year and he's already felt this way for months and you have no kids I'd say cut your losses and get out now.

Agree. I was your husband in this scenario. He's probably already having an affair. Just get divorced now and move on.

+1 he's bailing on you and marriage is long. Believe what he is trying to tell you

All of this. Marriage gets EXPONENTIALLY harder when you add in kids, a mortgage, ailing parents, your own potential health issues -- if he's been unhappy for months and you've been married a year, get out now. This was your starter marriage, sorry to say.

It’s my second marriage.

A second marriage can still be a starter marriage. My grandmother was widowed and then remarried a horrible man. After she divorced him she reverted to her late husband’s name.

[Anonymous]

Sadly, he probably had some of these feelings right before you got married but the ball was rolling and he didn't have the guts to stop it. Ask him to tell you exactly what he wants rather than an ambiguous not sure where it's going.

[Anonymous]

He wants out. Let him go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He thinks you rushed into marriage after THREE YEARS of dating? I'm leaning more toward the affair camp now. Maybe he hasn't made it physical yet, but he's clearly not ready for WHATEVER reason. Don't dig this hole any deeper.

OP, did you feel pressure to get remarried, and so you moved forward with a new guy who was perhaps not the right match for you?

I didn’t feel pressured at all. In the beginning I didn’t think I wanted to remarry, I was just going with the flow. Things changed as time went on, but I still didn’t feel pressured.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He said he’s felt this way for months, but didn’t know how to tell me. It took him having a few drinks at happy hour to build up the courage. He said it’s not me, it’s him (classic) and that he doesn’t know where we should go from here. We’ve only been married for a little over a year so I would like to work through this and try to get things back on track. I’m open to counseling, but I’m not sure it will be enough. Any other suggestions?

If you've only been married for a year and he's already felt this way for months and you have no kids I'd say cut your losses and get out now.

Agree. It is way to early in your marriage to be needing counseling. He is telling you he made a mistake. Just be glad it has been only 1 yr and not 10 yrs and 3 kids later.

[Anonymous]

This is usually the honeymoon period where everyone is happy and the relationship is at its easiest.

If you’re having problems now, it’s time to end it - it will only get worse. I’m sorry. It sucks, but it only gets harder. You don’t want to be 10 years into a marriage with 2 kids and feeling like it was always bad.

Now your life still has a thousand possibilities - if you don’t get out, your options are only getting worse and worse. Don’t wait.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am going to go against the grain and suggest you give us more information. You have been married for a year but how long have you actually been together? Could there be some other stressors involved, like finances or problems at work?

DH and I had a very rough first year. I felt like I had made a big mistake in marrying him and we had a lot of stress over money, our careers, and family stuff. Today we are basically stable and happy, 11 years later. We just committed to staying married.

What does basically stable and happy mean?

[Anonymous]

BTW...he is doing you a favor. He is a complete asshole. Did you, perhaps, know this already but got married anyway?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say “I Love You”.
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold – just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.

Wow. How about, do not obsess about a list of 34 "do nots" and just separate. If he's already been unhappy for months in a marriage of less than a year, call it quits. You truly do not need to overthink this one. In some ways, he's done a really brave and good thing by facing this sooner rather than later.

Because the process will take weeks if not months and OP probably has already broken 10 of these rules.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say “I Love You”.
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold – just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.

Wow. How about, do not obsess about a list of 34 "do nots" and just separate. If he's already been unhappy for months in a marriage of less than a year, call it quits. You truly do not need to overthink this one. In some ways, he's done a really brave and good thing by facing this sooner rather than later.

Because the process will take weeks if not months and OP probably has already broken 10 of these rules.

who cares about rules? those rules are written for people desperately trying to get their spouse not to leave them. OP should just bail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say “I Love You”.
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold – just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.

Wow. How about, do not obsess about a list of 34 "do nots" and just separate. If he's already been unhappy for months in a marriage of less than a year, call it quits. You truly do not need to overthink this one. In some ways, he's done a really brave and good thing by facing this sooner rather than later.

Because the process will take weeks if not months and OP probably has already broken 10 of these rules.

who cares about rules? those rules are written for people desperately trying to get their spouse not to leave them. OP should just bail.

Yes but it is also very helpful to have an amicable divorce.

It sucks to have paid all that money for a wedding to get sidelined this early... but F it.. you dodged a bullet... do the list above and slip out gracefully.

[Anonymous]

Sounds very sad OP. Sorry to hear. It does sound like he wants to go. So, unless you think it is worth your time to try counseling, then it is time to bail. Would he consider counseling or is it really just over?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say “I Love You”.
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold – just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.

Wow. How about, do not obsess about a list of 34 "do nots" and just separate. If he's already been unhappy for months in a marriage of less than a year, call it quits. You truly do not need to overthink this one. In some ways, he's done a really brave and good thing by facing this sooner rather than later.

Because the process will take weeks if not months and OP probably has already broken 10 of these rules.

who cares about rules? those rules are written for people desperately trying to get their spouse not to leave them. OP should just bail.

Yes but it is also very helpful to have an amicable divorce.

It sucks to have paid all that money for a wedding to get sidelined this early... but F it.. you dodged a bullet... do the list above and slip out gracefully.

You know what makes it easy to slip out gracefully? Moving out so you don't have to see them. That whole list reads like a giant weird mind-game. Not necessary. Just end things and go no-contact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is usually the honeymoon period where everyone is happy and the relationship is at its easiest.

If you’re having problems now, it’s time to end it - it will only get worse. I’m sorry. It sucks, but it only gets harder. You don’t want to be 10 years into a marriage with 2 kids and feeling like it was always bad.

Now your life still has a thousand possibilities - if you don’t get out, your options are only getting worse and worse. Don’t wait.

This. End it now.
I am someone 10 years in with 2 kids and feel like it was always bad. It was. Don’t be me.