DH told me he’s unhappy in the marriage

[Anonymous]

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say “I Love You”.
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold – just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.

[Anonymous]

I am going to go against the grain and suggest you give us more information. You have been married for a year but how long have you actually been together? Could there be some other stressors involved, like finances or problems at work?

DH and I had a very rough first year. I felt like I had made a big mistake in marrying him and we had a lot of stress over money, our careers, and family stuff. Today we are basically stable and happy, 11 years later. We just committed to staying married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say “I Love You”.
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold – just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.

Wow. How about, do not obsess about a list of 34 "do nots" and just separate. If he's already been unhappy for months in a marriage of less than a year, call it quits. You truly do not need to overthink this one. In some ways, he's done a really brave and good thing by facing this sooner rather than later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He said he’s felt this way for months, but didn’t know how to tell me. It took him having a few drinks at happy hour to build up the courage. He said it’s not me, it’s him (classic) and that he doesn’t know where we should go from here. We’ve only been married for a little over a year so I would like to work through this and try to get things back on track. I’m open to counseling, but I’m not sure it will be enough. Any other suggestions?

If you've only been married for a year and he's already felt this way for months and you have no kids I'd say cut your losses and get out now.

In some ways, the first year of marriage can be hard. You are adjusting to a new lifestyle and no matter how long you have dated, it is an adjustment and feels much more permanent. The problem is that the message we hear from outside is that this is the honeymoon phase and it is all great. That's not always the reality but it doesn't mean the marriage is doomed. It could be and he could be could having an affair, but don't just give up without finding out what the real issue is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He said he’s felt this way for months, but didn’t know how to tell me. It took him having a few drinks at happy hour to build up the courage. He said it’s not me, it’s him (classic) and that he doesn’t know where we should go from here. We’ve only been married for a little over a year so I would like to work through this and try to get things back on track. I’m open to counseling, but I’m not sure it will be enough. Any other suggestions?

If you've only been married for a year and he's already felt this way for months and you have no kids I'd say cut your losses and get out now.

Agree. I was your husband in this scenario. He's probably already having an affair. Just get divorced now and move on.

+1 he's bailing on you and marriage is long. Believe what he is trying to tell you

All of this. Marriage gets EXPONENTIALLY harder when you add in kids, a mortgage, ailing parents, your own potential health issues -- if he's been unhappy for months and you've been married a year, get out now. This was your starter marriage, sorry to say.

It’s my second marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did he say why he is unhappy? I agree in the first year this is bad - and I would consider divorcing. I know it’s not what you want to hear as a newlywed. But this early on, things don’t usually get better. Why did you two marry and how long did you date?

He thinks we rushed into marriage too quickly and he wasn’t as ready as he thought he was. We dated for 3 years before we got married.

[Anonymous]

My husband did this, same timing. He was cheating. He eventually 'fessed up. We got divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:End it. Hes having an affair. Hes unable and unwilling to commit. He wants out. I PROMISE you that the best move here for your own future and your dignity is to remain calm, begin the Divorce 180 ASAP. Do not beg. Do not cry. Do not plead. Show him the door.

+1

Agree

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He said he’s felt this way for months, but didn’t know how to tell me. It took him having a few drinks at happy hour to build up the courage. He said it’s not me, it’s him (classic) and that he doesn’t know where we should go from here. We’ve only been married for a little over a year so I would like to work through this and try to get things back on track. I’m open to counseling, but I’m not sure it will be enough. Any other suggestions?

If you've only been married for a year and he's already felt this way for months and you have no kids I'd say cut your losses and get out now.

Agree. I was your husband in this scenario. He's probably already having an affair. Just get divorced now and move on.

+1 he's bailing on you and marriage is long. Believe what he is trying to tell you

All of this. Marriage gets EXPONENTIALLY harder when you add in kids, a mortgage, ailing parents, your own potential health issues -- if he's been unhappy for months and you've been married a year, get out now. This was your starter marriage, sorry to say.

It’s my second marriage.

His starter marriage then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband did this, same timing. He was cheating. He eventually 'fessed up. We got divorced.

It was my first marriage and his second marriage. He has since married again. Don't try to make sense out of his nonsense. Get to a counselor and talk through your feelings and options. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say “I Love You”.
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold – just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.

This is excellent advice. It boils down to "prepare yourself to move on gracefully. If your spouse changes his mind, great but otherwise take him at his word.

[Anonymous]

He thinks you rushed into marriage after THREE YEARS of dating? I'm leaning more toward the affair camp now. Maybe he hasn't made it physical yet, but he's clearly not ready for WHATEVER reason. Don't dig this hole any deeper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He thinks you rushed into marriage after THREE YEARS of dating? I'm leaning more toward the affair camp now. Maybe he hasn't made it physical yet, but he's clearly not ready for WHATEVER reason. Don't dig this hole any deeper.

OP, I would like to believe he’s not having an affair, but I’ve been down this road before so I know anything is possible. Like I said before, it’s only been a little over a year and I would like to try to work it out. But I’m prepared if it doesn’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He thinks you rushed into marriage after THREE YEARS of dating? I'm leaning more toward the affair camp now. Maybe he hasn't made it physical yet, but he's clearly not ready for WHATEVER reason. Don't dig this hole any deeper.

OP, did you feel pressure to get remarried, and so you moved forward with a new guy who was perhaps not the right match for you?

[Anonymous]

I went through this too except we were married almost 2 years. Don’t buy whatever BS he is slinging. He’s seeing someone already (how far they’ve gone is up for debate), but THAT’S how he got the courage to talk to you. He doesn’t have as much to lose b/c he already has another person to cushion him, whereas you probably feel like you’re in a free fall. Don’t waste time drawing it out (like I did). Keep your head high, collect supportive friends and family around you, and tell him you’ll let him go so he can be happy. In the end you’ll end up happier, too, once you move on. The PP that said you’ll always wonder if he’s unhappy is right. Find someone who values you.