To anyone who has dealt with having a child/adult child with addiction problems

[Anonymous]

OP, addiction has a long history in my family and I am sorry that you are going through this.

Addiction is truly everywhere.

I hope that your son can learn healthier ways to cope with his pain.

I have lost several loved ones to the addiction cycle. The only thing I can think to say right now is that it’s not a moral issue any more than mental illness. You also can be kind to your son, show care, but stay out of the cycle. If it’s really bad, you are right, he needs to live in his own space.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Bump. Same problem. Different family but same situation. Struggling.

Story of my family too. And of my brother's family and my cousin's family. It has hit us hard and it is hard to figure out how to stay sane and healthy. Very little of it is in our control and yet I am not even close to the point where I am going to ask my child to leave (but both my brother and my cousin are beyond this). I guess I have not yet given up hope and there has not yet been enough damage to our lives. And I love him so much. I do think I have a breaking point though and I hope we don't get there. Trust me when I say there is no stone unturned and no treatment not offered or forced, which you can do before they hit age 18.

It pains me to see what the rest of my family is going through.

No advice. Just empathy. I hope things work out for your family.

Have you watched Ben is Back with Julia Roberts? It's not a feel good movie with a happy ending, but it is validation for those of use who haven't given up. There is a line in the movie where someone tells Julia Roberts that she won't be able to live with herself if she doesn't try. That's me - I can never stop trying. I'm lucky that the rest of my family feels the same or at least indulges me.

Thanks to all. No one could have predicted that our kid would have been the one to get caught up in this world. The changes to the person we thought we knew...the lies, the manipulation, violence, and anger, have been astonishing. We are “doers”, so we tried it all many, many therapists (us and him), we tried to keep funding college hoping that when he graduated things would be different. He dropped out his senior year and didn’t tell us and then stole a great deal of money from us. A year later he floats with no home and we only pay for his phone (safety is my reason). Until he chooses different, here we are. Our therapist tells me that I have to accept that this is who he is and move on. I’m trying. No amount of pretending feels authentic, but I force myself to function and so does my husband. Our other kids have been at college or on their own, so we function and try to keep the mentions of him as “unawkward” as possible. We are a shell of a family. It feels like nothing will ever be right until he’s back in the orbit, but I am very aware that may not happen.

[Anonymous]

OP, I haven’t read the whole thread as I find this board strangely harsh on addiction.

I know you have a therapist, but have you considered Al Anon or similar? Addiction is a family disease, and groups like this help address that in a safe and empathetic environment.

[Anonymous]

In my opinion, addiction is different for those who have been through it as an involved spectator or someone who is theorizing about what they’ve read or how they think they would react or feel. It is a complex issue. Black and white thinking is just a desire to oversimplify complex things and it seems to almost never work. It’s somehow comforting and I get it, but it’s just not that helpful sometimes. It’s hard to turn off the love and nurturing for a family member and it’s a process. No one probably starts out wanting to enable and everyone seems to have a different definition of enabling. Sorry OP. Just sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How does battling addiction cost six figures? Can someone explain?

Cost of rehab. Inpatient can be like $650 a day and insurance does not always pay for it - or maybe there is no insurance. It adds up unbelievably fast.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I haven’t read the whole thread as I find this board strangely harsh on addiction.

I know you have a therapist, but have you considered Al Anon or similar? Addiction is a family disease, and groups like this help address that in a safe and empathetic environment.

I disagree. Addiction is a harsh issue. It’s a problem that is created by choices, certainly at the beginning. I agree it can be medical, but it should involve ownership by the person who made the choices and has affected the family that surrounds them. The choice to heal is not one a family can make, but they can all be so damaged by the stress and drama an addict brings to the table. It seems to have to be the person. There is no real clean slate when damage has been done. People may forgive, but we are wired to not forget.

I think that it’s fantastic that rehab and therapy are becoming more available and I am so happy that more and more people see it’s value. Honestly, I think the push to treat addiction “like cancer or some other random illness” is just too enabling and takes the onus off the person who became the addict. Unless you grew up with a parent or an environment where you had no choice but to be exposed seems to be one thing, but falling in the hole when you have been taught and raised different seems on the person to me.

My opinion as someone who has been affected by addiction as a sibling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How does battling addiction cost six figures? Can someone explain?

Cost of rehab. Inpatient can be like $650 a day and insurance does not always pay for it - or maybe there is no insurance. It adds up unbelievably fast.

Especially for someone who is not truly ready. Who’s got the spare cash to throw at that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my opinion, addiction is different for those who have been through it as an involved spectator or someone who is theorizing about what they’ve read or how they think they would react or feel. It is a complex issue. Black and white thinking is just a desire to oversimplify complex things and it seems to almost never work. It’s somehow comforting and I get it, but it’s just not that helpful sometimes. It’s hard to turn off the love and nurturing for a family member and it’s a process. No one probably starts out wanting to enable and everyone seems to have a different definition of enabling. Sorry OP. Just sorry.

Yes. Yes to all of it

[Anonymous]

Because of COVID a lot meetings are over Zoom. Many of them let you keep your camera off so it’s audio only. That might be a good way for you and your husband to start attending meetings.

[Anonymous]

Not OP, but I went to several different Al-Anons and it certainly did not suit me. I think everyone is different. No easy answers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This could take me hours to tell our story but the gist of it is we have a 26 year old bright, handsome son from a "good" family who fell into addiction about 5 years ago. Its been a very slippery slope, with him being close to death twice. Yes, the absolute worst nightmare for any parent and the pain that we have suffered has aged both my husband and myself beyond measure.

You think you do it all right, giving up a career to raise my kids, thankfully 3 of the 4 are thriving but not sure what happened with my son. Until late high school, he had it all together, top athlete,recreuited for his sport to a top college, really thriving. One accident got him hooked onto painkillers and then the rest is history, same textbook story that you hear every day. He has such potential and as I speak we are between him "being clean" for 2 weeks now and us at a point where we decided him living at home is not conducive to his well being nor ours. We have gone to several therapists who all say the same thing. So we are trying to find a sober living facility or we recommend he goes back to rehab for 30 days. Won't even go into the amounts of money we have spent, could have bought a nice home with the money we have shelled out.

Just wondering for anyone else who has "been there" if you have one or two pieces of sage advice, what would it be? We are extremely private and I. know we are approaching it wrong but we are not comfortable going to meetings though I am getting close (my husband is not). I may go to one on my own because I am in such pain internally and feel that being able to be open and honest with people who can relate would take a huge load off of the dark black cloud that hangs over me.

Sadly this is a problem that affects all demographics and most certainly does not discriminate, my husband is a doctor, I have advanced degrees, we thought we did everything right to the best of out ability and somehow we still could not prevent this from happening. It is heartbreaking but every day I wake up trying to find a reason (the success of my other 3 kids is a big one) to find joy in the day. Any advice here for someone struggling to make sense of what to do/how to move on.

Thank you.

My dh treats patients with substance abuse disorders. I'm very sorry to hear about what happened. I recommend attending meetings. Substance abuse is very difficult on families and you need the support. My dh likes to say recovery is possible and for some people it is. I'm sure you have thought about a sober coach. If he relapses, there is medication that can be prescribed to manage the cravings. Many people can return to a regular life (jobs, families) while takings these medications.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This could take me hours to tell our story but the gist of it is we have a 26 year old bright, handsome son from a "good" family who fell into addiction about 5 years ago. Its been a very slippery slope, with him being close to death twice. Yes, the absolute worst nightmare for any parent and the pain that we have suffered has aged both my husband and myself beyond measure.

You think you do it all right, giving up a career to raise my kids, thankfully 3 of the 4 are thriving but not sure what happened with my son. Until late high school, he had it all together, top athlete,recreuited for his sport to a top college, really thriving. One accident got him hooked onto painkillers and then the rest is history, same textbook story that you hear every day. He has such potential and as I speak we are between him "being clean" for 2 weeks now and us at a point where we decided him living at home is not conducive to his well being nor ours. We have gone to several therapists who all say the same thing. So we are trying to find a sober living facility or we recommend he goes back to rehab for 30 days. Won't even go into the amounts of money we have spent, could have bought a nice home with the money we have shelled out.

Just wondering for anyone else who has "been there" if you have one or two pieces of sage advice, what would it be? We are extremely private and I. know we are approaching it wrong but we are not comfortable going to meetings though I am getting close (my husband is not). I may go to one on my own because I am in such pain internally and feel that being able to be open and honest with people who can relate would take a huge load off of the dark black cloud that hangs over me.

Sadly this is a problem that affects all demographics and most certainly does not discriminate, my husband is a doctor, I have advanced degrees, we thought we did everything right to the best of out ability and somehow we still could not prevent this from happening. It is heartbreaking but every day I wake up trying to find a reason (the success of my other 3 kids is a big one) to find joy in the day. Any advice here for someone struggling to make sense of what to do/how to move on.

Thank you.

My dh treats patients with substance abuse disorders. I'm very sorry to hear about what happened. I recommend attending meetings. Substance abuse is very difficult on families and you need the support. My dh likes to say recovery is possible and for some people it is. I'm sure you have thought about a sober coach. If he relapses, there is medication that can be prescribed to manage the cravings. Many people can return to a regular life (jobs, families) while takings these medications.

These are all nice things to say, but that assumes the person is functioning to some degree. My brother sure wasn’t. My parents didn’t know anything about his life, his addiction, even what he was addicted to. He was MIA and they worried and waited for the other show to drop. A lot of what the therapist says is very idealistic, coddling, and sends a message of “this is a family problem” to my parents. In our case, no. My other siblings are good with normal functional lives. My parents were fine parents and did a good job. They were always there for us and warned us about the very problem he now has. My brother is a person who self medicated and now blames my parents for everything including refusing to fund him. As soon as the money stream ended, he cut them off. He is selfish. They don’t deserve what he has dished out and I’m amazed they have hung in as long as they have.

I think the best therapists need to have been through it, no one who hasn’t can understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This could take me hours to tell our story but the gist of it is we have a 26 year old bright, handsome son from a "good" family who fell into addiction about 5 years ago. Its been a very slippery slope, with him being close to death twice. Yes, the absolute worst nightmare for any parent and the pain that we have suffered has aged both my husband and myself beyond measure.

You think you do it all right, giving up a career to raise my kids, thankfully 3 of the 4 are thriving but not sure what happened with my son. Until late high school, he had it all together, top athlete,recreuited for his sport to a top college, really thriving. One accident got him hooked onto painkillers and then the rest is history, same textbook story that you hear every day. He has such potential and as I speak we are between him "being clean" for 2 weeks now and us at a point where we decided him living at home is not conducive to his well being nor ours. We have gone to several therapists who all say the same thing. So we are trying to find a sober living facility or we recommend he goes back to rehab for 30 days. Won't even go into the amounts of money we have spent, could have bought a nice home with the money we have shelled out.

Just wondering for anyone else who has "been there" if you have one or two pieces of sage advice, what would it be? We are extremely private and I. know we are approaching it wrong but we are not comfortable going to meetings though I am getting close (my husband is not). I may go to one on my own because I am in such pain internally and feel that being able to be open and honest with people who can relate would take a huge load off of the dark black cloud that hangs over me.

Sadly this is a problem that affects all demographics and most certainly does not discriminate, my husband is a doctor, I have advanced degrees, we thought we did everything right to the best of out ability and somehow we still could not prevent this from happening. It is heartbreaking but every day I wake up trying to find a reason (the success of my other 3 kids is a big one) to find joy in the day. Any advice here for someone struggling to make sense of what to do/how to move on.

Thank you.

My dh treats patients with substance abuse disorders. I'm very sorry to hear about what happened. I recommend attending meetings. Substance abuse is very difficult on families and you need the support. My dh likes to say recovery is possible and for some people it is. I'm sure you have thought about a sober coach. If he relapses, there is medication that can be prescribed to manage the cravings. Many people can return to a regular life (jobs, families) while takings these medications.

These are all nice things to say, but that assumes the person is functioning to some degree. My brother sure wasn’t. My parents didn’t know anything about his life, his addiction, even what he was addicted to. He was MIA and they worried and waited for the other show to drop. A lot of what the therapist says is very idealistic, coddling, and sends a message of “this is a family problem” to my parents. In our case, no. My other siblings are good with normal functional lives. My parents were fine parents and did a good job. They were always there for us and warned us about the very problem he now has. My brother is a person who self medicated and now blames my parents for everything including refusing to fund him. As soon as the money stream ended, he cut them off. He is selfish. They don’t deserve what he has dished out and I’m amazed they have hung in as long as they have.

I think the best therapists need to have been through it, no one who hasn’t can understand.

I'm sorry for what your family has been through, but my post was directed at OP. Unloading on me was not appropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This could take me hours to tell our story but the gist of it is we have a 26 year old bright, handsome son from a "good" family who fell into addiction about 5 years ago. Its been a very slippery slope, with him being close to death twice. Yes, the absolute worst nightmare for any parent and the pain that we have suffered has aged both my husband and myself beyond measure.

You think you do it all right, giving up a career to raise my kids, thankfully 3 of the 4 are thriving but not sure what happened with my son. Until late high school, he had it all together, top athlete,recreuited for his sport to a top college, really thriving. One accident got him hooked onto painkillers and then the rest is history, same textbook story that you hear every day. He has such potential and as I speak we are between him "being clean" for 2 weeks now and us at a point where we decided him living at home is not conducive to his well being nor ours. We have gone to several therapists who all say the same thing. So we are trying to find a sober living facility or we recommend he goes back to rehab for 30 days. Won't even go into the amounts of money we have spent, could have bought a nice home with the money we have shelled out.

Just wondering for anyone else who has "been there" if you have one or two pieces of sage advice, what would it be? We are extremely private and I. know we are approaching it wrong but we are not comfortable going to meetings though I am getting close (my husband is not). I may go to one on my own because I am in such pain internally and feel that being able to be open and honest with people who can relate would take a huge load off of the dark black cloud that hangs over me.

Sadly this is a problem that affects all demographics and most certainly does not discriminate, my husband is a doctor, I have advanced degrees, we thought we did everything right to the best of out ability and somehow we still could not prevent this from happening. It is heartbreaking but every day I wake up trying to find a reason (the success of my other 3 kids is a big one) to find joy in the day. Any advice here for someone struggling to make sense of what to do/how to move on.

Thank you.

My dh treats patients with substance abuse disorders. I'm very sorry to hear about what happened. I recommend attending meetings. Substance abuse is very difficult on families and you need the support. My dh likes to say recovery is possible and for some people it is. I'm sure you have thought about a sober coach. If he relapses, there is medication that can be prescribed to manage the cravings. Many people can return to a regular life (jobs, families) while takings these medications.

These are all nice things to say, but that assumes the person is functioning to some degree. My brother sure wasn’t. My parents didn’t know anything about his life, his addiction, even what he was addicted to. He was MIA and they worried and waited for the other show to drop. A lot of what the therapist says is very idealistic, coddling, and sends a message of “this is a family problem” to my parents. In our case, no. My other siblings are good with normal functional lives. My parents were fine parents and did a good job. They were always there for us and warned us about the very problem he now has. My brother is a person who self medicated and now blames my parents for everything including refusing to fund him. As soon as the money stream ended, he cut them off. He is selfish. They don’t deserve what he has dished out and I’m amazed they have hung in as long as they have.

I think the best therapists need to have been through it, no one who hasn’t can understand.

I'm sorry for what your family has been through, but my post was directed at OP. Unloading on me was not appropriate.

It was a comment, an opinion on addiction from within. Certainly not unloading, perhaps you are projecting.

[Anonymous]

My parents have chosen to help my brother financially as much as they can (rehab, bail, lawyers, a small amount of money that just covers living expenses). I wish they would go to therapy or join a support group just for their own mental health, but, they choose not to.

So, you are getting lots of resentful siblings on this thread. I don't agree with all my parent's decisions regarding my brother, but, I think I would help my own kids in the same way if I had to.

I urge you to get involved with a support group of other parents of adult children who are going through this. My parents feel very isolated in this situation, and I think it would help them to have other people to talk to.