To anyone who has dealt with having a child/adult child with addiction problems

[Anonymous]

As someone who has had two family members fall prey to this horrible disease I am here to show you that things can be good again.
Our entire family is professionals, doctors and lawyers (literally out of my dads family and his siblings there are 5 lawyers and 12 doctors, that's right 12)! My point is not to brag, but to tell you we are an educated bunch who should know better. My dads youngest brother was in a ski accident got onto painkillers then heroin.
This took hold of him for 7 long years, he lost his marriage and his custody of his daughter, he was a well respected radiologist. Almost 8 years later, he finally decided he had enough and checked himself into a long term rehab. He was there 6 months then went into a sober living. Today he is almost 4 years sober, back with his wife and they now have 2 kids. Happy ending.

Second story is my cousin now 33, about 5 years ago almost way story, he was in medical school, got addicted to opioids then heroin. He struggled horribly and had several near death experiences, a few overdoses, etc...my aunt and uncle gave up everything to care for him, and do whatever they possibly could. The more they did the deeper he sunk. He lost a lot of weight became a downright junkie, was kicked out of medical school and eventually out of his home. He was homeless and it was heart wrenching for our whole family.

Finally over a year ago he on his own he begged for help. His parents after doling out over $120,000 finally agreed to do it one last time, which they did. Thank God they did, this time he seemed to "get it" and finally commit to wanting to stay sober. Now almost a year and a half later he is doing great, he got very into martial arts, painting has a gf and looking to continue his medical education. We are very proud. Another happy ending.

My aunt now helps hold meetings for parents suffering. She always tells people to not waste there time or money if the addict is not ready. She said in fact the more you do the more it hurts them and drives them deeper into addiction. Helping them live in your home, or giving them a car or giving them even a dollar is saying that in some small way, you knowingly support their lifestyle. She said cutting off completely is the hardest but most loving thing a parent can do and it wasn't until they did that that my cousin saw the light. There is hope, but really it has to come from the person afflicted. Some get it but some sadly never do. Best of luck to anyone suffering, its a horrible disease and there is no law suit too big for Purdue Pharma and despicable Sackler family. They should all be jailed for life if you ask me.

[Anonymous]

You cannot have an actively using drug addict living in your house without living a life of total chaos. So: you are right, you cannot have him living in your house.

But you also have to examine why you were comfortable with enabling another adult in this way at your expense for so long. Stop avoiding going to Al-Anon—this doesn’t have to be as hard as you are making it.

All good thoughts to you, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish I had words to help... but my words will hurt.

At some point you just have to say... you are an adult, we have done all we can and let the chips fall where they may.

The person you knew is gone, he is somebody else now.

I do suggest having your son do DBT counseling.
I suggest you read Buddhist bootcamp.

I have 3 brothers with addiction issues... you can't "help" them, and all the "help" you give stunts their growth to help themselves.

1 brother is great, thriving, sober owns a company make tons of money
1 brother is in and out of rehab (at least 10 times)... lawyer making $350k/year
1 brother died

This generation of 20 year olds. I know so many families who have a child addicted to opioids... White rich educated families.

There are support groups for moms... you should join one. They can give you the most up to date help and support when you need to say to your child... you are an adult this is your life you have to fix this yourself.

People think that this disease is like cancer. It's not .. the more attention you give the worse it get, not better. It's hard.

It is interesting that you bring up their career and income levels. As if this is a value indicator.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You cannot have an actively using drug addict living in your house without living a life of total chaos. So: you are right, you cannot have him living in your house.

But you also have to examine why you were comfortable with enabling another adult in this way at your expense for so long. Stop avoiding going to Al-Anon—this doesn’t have to be as hard as you are making it.

All good thoughts to you, OP.

The "another adult" is the infant that was born of her womb. This is the baby she nursed at her breast. This is the toddler she cuddled at night when he was scared. This is the child she ached for when he felt he couldn't quite fit in when he was a middle school. This is the little boy she had big dreams for a dedicated her life to. This is someone she would lay her life down for. And you ask this question? This is not just "another adult".

As a mother with young boys that I have hopes and dreams for, as a mother who feels physical pain when my kids are hurting, my heart aches for this mother. This is a nightmare come true.

Best of luck to you mom, I cannot imagine, I don't want to imagine. Just be there for him without judgement without condescension and without reproach when he is ready to battle this powerful and ugly monster once and for all.

[Anonymous]

I count 10 dead in my family and friends from drug ODs, several from Fentanyl. There are several more young people dabbling in drugs in our circle. BTW we are UMC living in an upscale neighborhood.

Here is what I learned. In each case people were struggling with mental pain, trauma, grief, lose of hope, shame. Drugs are a relief from mental pain. If you approach that pain as the core of the problem. Drugs are the symptoms of the problem, heal the pain and the drugs can be conquered.

I would be leery of any rehab that doesn't approach it that way. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You cannot have an actively using drug addict living in your house without living a life of total chaos. So: you are right, you cannot have him living in your house.

But you also have to examine why you were comfortable with enabling another adult in this way at your expense for so long. Stop avoiding going to Al-Anon—this doesn’t have to be as hard as you are making it.

All good thoughts to you, OP.

The "another adult" is the infant that was born of her womb. This is the baby she nursed at her breast. This is the toddler she cuddled at night when he was scared. This is the child she ached for when he felt he couldn't quite fit in when he was a middle school. This is the little boy she had big dreams for a dedicated her life to. This is someone she would lay her life down for. And you ask this question? This is not just "another adult".

As a mother with young boys that I have hopes and dreams for, as a mother who feels physical pain when my kids are hurting, my heart aches for this mother. This is a nightmare come true.

Best of luck to you mom, I cannot imagine, I don't want to imagine. Just be there for him without judgement without condescension and without reproach when he is ready to battle this powerful and ugly monster once and for all.

But now he is a grown-up. And failing to let him stand or fall from his own two feet is part of the disease process on the family side. It’s hard and sometimes awful, but it is necessary. People need help doing it. That is what Al-Anon is for.

Again, OP, good luck and all good wishes.

[Anonymous]

Bump. Same problem. Different family but same situation. Struggling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bump. Same problem. Different family but same situation. Struggling.

I have no words that could help. I feel very sorry for your situation and I wish there was something I could do to make it better. As naive as it sounds, stay strong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This could take me hours to tell our story but the gist of it is we have a 26 year old bright, handsome son from a "good" family who fell into addiction about 5 years ago. Its been a very slippery slope, with him being close to death twice. Yes, the absolute worst nightmare for any parent and the pain that we have suffered has aged both my husband and myself beyond measure.

You think you do it all right, giving up a career to raise my kids, thankfully 3 of the 4 are thriving but not sure what happened with my son. Until late high school, he had it all together, top athlete,recreuited for his sport to a top college, really thriving. One accident got him hooked onto painkillers and then the rest is history, same textbook story that you hear every day. He has such potential and as I speak we are between him "being clean" for 2 weeks now and us at a point where we decided him living at home is not conducive to his well being nor ours. We have gone to several therapists who all say the same thing. So we are trying to find a sober living facility or we recommend he goes back to rehab for 30 days. Won't even go into the amounts of money we have spent, could have bought a nice home with the money we have shelled out.

Just wondering for anyone else who has "been there" if you have one or two pieces of sage advice, what would it be? We are extremely private and I. know we are approaching it wrong but we are not comfortable going to meetings though I am getting close (my husband is not). I may go to one on my own because I am in such pain internally and feel that being able to be open and honest with people who can relate would take a huge load off of the dark black cloud that hangs over me.

Sadly this is a problem that affects all demographics and most certainly does not discriminate, my husband is a doctor, I have advanced degrees, we thought we did everything right to the best of out ability and somehow we still could not prevent this from happening. It is heartbreaking but every day I wake up trying to find a reason (the success of my other 3 kids is a big one) to find joy in the day. Any advice here for someone struggling to make sense of what to do/how to move on.

Thank you.

Do everything to get him into a really good long term rehab facility. We didn’t with my brother and although he came from a good family he passed away at 37.

[Anonymous]

Oh my heart goes out to you OP. I dated a guy who turned out to be addicted. I did attend Al Anon meetings, and it's the best life changing decision I ever made. You can find the support you need and friends to call in that program. I think most or all meetings are virtual for now. Please go to one. Try a few - each meeting can be little different. It is anonymous in that nobody tells.

http://www.al-anon-alateen-dcmd.org/index.php/site/meetings

https://alanonva.com/meetings/?v=7516fd43adaa

http://www.al-anon-alateen-dcmd.org/index.php/site/meeting_list/C9/

[Anonymous]

People, places, and things. Addicts need new places. If you send to rehab followed by halfway house, likely best scenario is out of state.

[Anonymous]

And until he goes, I hope he gets an AA sponsor and attends meetings every day. 90 in 90.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bump. Same problem. Different family but same situation. Struggling.

Story of my family too. And of my brother's family and my cousin's family. It has hit us hard and it is hard to figure out how to stay sane and healthy. Very little of it is in our control and yet I am not even close to the point where I am going to ask my child to leave (but both my brother and my cousin are beyond this). I guess I have not yet given up hope and there has not yet been enough damage to our lives. And I love him so much. I do think I have a breaking point though and I hope we don't get there. Trust me when I say there is no stone unturned and no treatment not offered or forced, which you can do before they hit age 18.

It pains me to see what the rest of my family is going through.

No advice. Just empathy. I hope things work out for your family.

Have you watched Ben is Back with Julia Roberts? It's not a feel good movie with a happy ending, but it is validation for those of use who haven't given up. There is a line in the movie where someone tells Julia Roberts that she won't be able to live with herself if she doesn't try. That's me - I can never stop trying. I'm lucky that the rest of my family feels the same or at least indulges me.

[Anonymous]

I echo all of the supportive posters above. I’ve not been to Al-anon but to AA. I was hesitant to go but after the first meeting, I knew it was for me. Being surrounded by people who have or are living your pain. People were just like me. They understood me like not even my spouse could. Give Al-anon a try.

[Anonymous]

How does battling addiction cost six figures? Can someone explain?