To anyone who has dealt with having a child/adult child with addiction problems
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Anonymous
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This could take me hours to tell our story but the gist of it is we have a 26 year old bright, handsome son from a "good" family who fell into addiction about 5 years ago. Its been a very slippery slope, with him being close to death twice. Yes, the absolute worst nightmare for any parent and the pain that we have suffered has aged both my husband and myself beyond measure.
You think you do it all right, giving up a career to raise my kids, thankfully 3 of the 4 are thriving but not sure what happened with my son. Until late high school, he had it all together, top athlete,recreuited for his sport to a top college, really thriving. One accident got him hooked onto painkillers and then the rest is history, same textbook story that you hear every day. He has such potential and as I speak we are between him "being clean" for 2 weeks now and us at a point where we decided him living at home is not conducive to his well being nor ours. We have gone to several therapists who all say the same thing. So we are trying to find a sober living facility or we recommend he goes back to rehab for 30 days. Won't even go into the amounts of money we have spent, could have bought a nice home with the money we have shelled out. Just wondering for anyone else who has "been there" if you have one or two pieces of sage advice, what would it be? We are extremely private and I. know we are approaching it wrong but we are not comfortable going to meetings though I am getting close (my husband is not). I may go to one on my own because I am in such pain internally and feel that being able to be open and honest with people who can relate would take a huge load off of the dark black cloud that hangs over me. Sadly this is a problem that affects all demographics and most certainly does not discriminate, my husband is a doctor, I have advanced degrees, we thought we did everything right to the best of out ability and somehow we still could not prevent this from happening. It is heartbreaking but every day I wake up trying to find a reason (the success of my other 3 kids is a big one) to find joy in the day. Any advice here for someone struggling to make sense of what to do/how to move on. Thank you. |
Anonymous
| I’m so sorry. The opioids are highly addictive, it is a disease and pharma shares MUCH of the blame. My heart breaks for your son, I hope rehab helps him. I am a nurse and I blame the company that pushed these highly addictive drugs on society through legal prescriptions and medical doctors. |
Anonymous
| I don't have any advice. I just wanted to send you a virtual hug. My brothers suffered from addiction and I know the toll it takes. Please be kind to yourself - don't beat yourself up. Hugs. |
Anonymous
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I am so sorry for your unimaginable pain. I dont know anything specific on the subject but wanted to recommend a last year released movie with Steve Carell playing father of a son who went through something similar, called Beautiful Boy. It may give you some ideas and strenght. It shows journey just like yours.
Hugs |
Anonymous
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Here is the trailer for the above movie:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y23HyopQxEg |
Anonymous
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I wish I had words to help... but my words will hurt.
At some point you just have to say... you are an adult, we have done all we can and let the chips fall where they may. The person you knew is gone, he is somebody else now. I do suggest having your son do DBT counseling. I suggest you read Buddhist bootcamp. I have 3 brothers with addiction issues... you can't "help" them, and all the "help" you give stunts their growth to help themselves. 1 brother is great, thriving, sober owns a company make tons of money 1 brother is in and out of rehab (at least 10 times)... lawyer making $350k/year 1 brother died This generation of 20 year olds. I know so many families who have a child addicted to opioids... White rich educated families. There are support groups for moms... you should join one. They can give you the most up to date help and support when you need to say to your child... you are an adult this is your life you have to fix this yourself. People think that this disease is like cancer. It's not .. the more attention you give the worse it get, not better. It's hard. |
Anonymous
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OP I am so sorry you are going through this, it is one of my worst fears after watching my aunt deal with my cousin who is a lifelong addict. My aunt had two boys, 2 years apart, the older is an addict who's been in and out of jail, stolen from everyone (including me), lies constantly, lost custody of his children for neglect, has a permanent ban on getting a drivers license, and is always being fired. Meanwhile, his brother is married with kids and has a very successful career and life. Both raised in same house by same parents and very involved extended family.
My cousin is into heavy drugs (meth, heroin, cocaine, etc). He's 50 now. He's been in rehab more times than I can count, costing my aunt insane amounts of money. We as a family had to step away, because we couldn't help him anymore without sacrificing our own sanity. I highly suggest you join a support group to help you find a path that works for you. Good luck to you. |
Anonymous
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Hi OP, this is my brother's story, and our families sound to have similar backgrounds. I'm not the parent, so my perspective is different and there's a lot of resentment attached that I won't get into. These days I know I have to prioritize my own husband and kids and it's a tug of war, since I so want to be there for my parents and brother. It's been the worst experience of my life to watch my parents go through this with him for so many years now (and to see my only sibling so sick), so I sympathize and am sending you lots of love.
If I've learned anything it's that addiction is a family disease and must be treated that way. I really encourage meetings - my parents have found a lot of support there, and they were VERY reluctant to go at first. You can also find the literature they use in the meetings online; that was a helpful way for me to ease into it. I know it's not for everyone but when you're feeling so helpless it's a good place to start. The book Codependent No More was also a touchstone for me. I really wish you and your family the best, everything in your post was so, so familiar to me. Please know you're not alone. |
Anonymous
Number one, you are not approaching this "wrong." There is no wrong. Well, maybe not thinking that you could benefit from any kind of help or advice would be wrong, but you're past that because you're posting here. Congratulations and thank you -- I mean it -- for taking that step. Number two, please find a way to attend a meeting or support group. Individual therapy, which it sounds like you're doing or have done, is great, but I am a strong believer in the group setting. Just being around other people who are struggling in the same ways can take an enormous burden off. It really will help. I know it feels like you aren't ready for the group or that you don't do it because you like your privacy. But pull the trigger on it by making a phone call to the facilitator or therapy center whenever you feel the tiniest bit of strength to take that step. Although it hasn't been narcotics for me, knock on wood, I've attended both AlAnon and suicide loss support groups because of my close family members. I, too, had a hard time going at first. For one in particular, I remember pacing back and forth with my phone in my hand, the number of the group leader typed in and ready to go, and it took literally an hour of pacing for me work up the courage to finally click "call" and ask to join the group. Boy am I glad I did. Good luck. You are not alone, and remember that you have not failed your son or yourself in any way. |
Anonymous
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You didn’t do anything wrong. Your son didn’t do anything wrong. He’s still the same great kid he’s always been.
A bad chemical connection between your son and risky opioids put him in a terrible situation. My heart goes out to him, you, and your family. |
Anonymous
I am so sorry and send strength. |
Anonymous
| Look for support groups on Facebook. My son's disease (while different from what you are facing) is so rare that the support groups for it aren't in-person even in big cities, they're only on-line. Parents are going through the same thing I am. |
Anonymous
| pp: Forgot to add, I am in CLOSED facebook groups for his illness. My posts do not show up on my timeline. You can search for closed and "secret" groups on Fb. |
Anonymous
| "I'm writing this so other families will hopefully know what we didn't."-https://www.huffpost.com/entry/the-loss-of-my-son-harris-wittels-to-heroin_n_5819fc80e4b01f610e394766 |
Anonymous
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I'm sorry, OP. I have a brother who was a prescription drug addict that spread to whatever was available. It started out so innocently - a back injury and prescription opioids. Eventually, he died. It was tough because he left behind kids. I also have a son with serious mental health issues. I have had to set boundaries with both.
Two things that people (therapists) said to me that resonated with me are: - guard the safety of your family. With regard to my brother, that meant never leaving my kids with him and being careful when we went to visit. With my son, that means that violence and some other dangerous behaviors have no place in our home. We can't prevent you from doing them, but you can't live with us if you do. I've had to call the police and take out peace orders. But, it is the best I can do for all of us. - don't work harder than your child on their recovery. I am a fixer by nature and all I ever want to do is fix things. But, I can't fix this. I can give my son the tools, which I have. Like you, I have spent everything we have on treatment. And, I have given up so much time to get him to treatment and make sure we have medications and everything else he needs. But his recovery is up to him. I hope you find peace and I hope your son stays clean. |