Dead bedroom (DB)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're around once or twice a month, which I find sort of depressing. I've lost weight over the last few years and am back down to the weight we were when we met. I know that DH is attracted to me, but it rarely leads to sex. I've talked to DH about why he's not that interested, and he says that his libido is just pretty low. (He's on medication for anxiety, which may also be affecting him.) We're only 45, and it depresses me to think that this is as good as it's going to get for us. I love him like crazy, but I wish that our libidos were more evenly matched. I have to initiate at least 90% of the time, and it's demoralizing, particularly when I get turned down.

Anxiety medicine can really have an effect as it did on my husband. A change of scenery has been very helpful for us at times and since we are empty nesters we get away quite a bit. My husband gets far more relaxed when we are away from home and he will even initiate and when he does I make sure to show my appreciation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We're around once or twice a month, which I find sort of depressing. I've lost weight over the last few years and am back down to the weight we were when we met. I know that DH is attracted to me, but it rarely leads to sex. I've talked to DH about why he's not that interested, and he says that his libido is just pretty low. (He's on medication for anxiety, which may also be affecting him.) We're only 45, and it depresses me to think that this is as good as it's going to get for us. I love him like crazy, but I wish that our libidos were more evenly matched. I have to initiate at least 90% of the time, and it's demoralizing, particularly when I get turned down.

Anxiety medicine can really have an effect as it did on my husband. A change of scenery has been very helpful for us at times and since we are empty nesters we get away quite a bit. My husband gets far more relaxed when we are away from home and he will even initiate and when he does I make sure to show my appreciation.

PP here. Thanks for this. It's encouraging. Honestly, I'd rather have my husband on the medication than NOT on the medication. We still have a kiddo at home, which absolutely cuts into the spontaneity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We're around once or twice a month, which I find sort of depressing. I've lost weight over the last few years and am back down to the weight we were when we met. I know that DH is attracted to me, but it rarely leads to sex. I've talked to DH about why he's not that interested, and he says that his libido is just pretty low. (He's on medication for anxiety, which may also be affecting him.) We're only 45, and it depresses me to think that this is as good as it's going to get for us. I love him like crazy, but I wish that our libidos were more evenly matched. I have to initiate at least 90% of the time, and it's demoralizing, particularly when I get turned down.

Anxiety medicine can really have an effect as it did on my husband. A change of scenery has been very helpful for us at times and since we are empty nesters we get away quite a bit. My husband gets far more relaxed when we are away from home and he will even initiate and when he does I make sure to show my appreciation.

PP here. Thanks for this. It's encouraging. Honestly, I'd rather have my husband on the medication than NOT on the medication. We still have a kiddo at home, which absolutely cuts into the spontaneity.

Beyond just libido, the meds can have a real physiological effect both in being able to achieve orgasm and the quality of the orgasm. Sertaline is literally prescribed off-label to treat PE. Has your DH had his testosterone tested? Meds and low-T can be a real double whammy, but meds with testosterone supplementation can actually kind of hit the sweet spot, particularly if you weren't captain stamina before anti-anxiety meds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you suffering from a dead bedroom at home?
How long? yes
What do you think the underlying cause is?long term marriage, kids and busy lives, lack of communication, resulting resentment

Curious to hear all perspectives M & F M
Those who are desperate
Those who are the dead
Have you given up?
Those who have considered/acted upon/thinking about acting upon the situation....

Given up no, don’t want to blow up my family. No sex in 18 months. Pornography is poor substitute. We are 50s, married 22 years, 3 kids.

Have definitely considered acting on it. Divorced HS friend very available for FWB situation.

Men need sex to feel loved and validated. So I feel neither.

That is actually not true, but if that is what you are feeling, then what you need is therapy to understand that there is more to you than your sex organ, and that sex isn't love.

[Anonymous]

Yep, almost totally without a heartbeat dead.

We've both gained weight.

We never were matched in terms of sex drive (mine was always higher).

He has low-t and won't do anything about it.

We've done counseling, which pointed out that he is much happier in the marriage than I am (duh) and that regaining intimacy will take work and commitment. He doesn't care enough to try.

We're in our 50's, with young kids, and have been together 12+ years. We're great friends and co-parents (and roommates w/ snuggling benefits) so wouldn't divorce because of the kids. By the time the kids are no longer a relevant consideration I expect I'll have given up on the hope of a fulfilling sex life (beyond my vibrator).

[Anonymous]

I asked my wife to read Emily Nagoski's "Come as you are." She read about 20 pages and couldn't be bothered to finish. That level of indifference to our sex life was really disheartening. She blamed it on her body image, said she felt like she looked gross, and declared that nothing in the book would help as long as she felt that way.

So, I'm at sex once every six weeks until she can lose 50 pounds or whatever arbitrary weight number she thinks will make her feel better about herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I asked my wife to read Emily Nagoski's "Come as you are." She read about 20 pages and couldn't be bothered to finish. That level of indifference to our sex life was really disheartening. She blamed it on her body image, said she felt like she looked gross, and declared that nothing in the book would help as long as she felt that way.

So, I'm at sex once every six weeks until she can lose 50 pounds or whatever arbitrary weight number she thinks will make her feel better about herself.

You have our permission to open the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yep, almost totally without a heartbeat dead.

We've both gained weight.

We never were matched in terms of sex drive (mine was always higher).

He has low-t and won't do anything about it.

We've done counseling, which pointed out that he is much happier in the marriage than I am (duh) and that regaining intimacy will take work and commitment. He doesn't care enough to try.

We're in our 50's, with young kids, and have been together 12+ years. We're great friends and co-parents (and roommates w/ snuggling benefits) so wouldn't divorce because of the kids. By the time the kids are no longer a relevant consideration I expect I'll have given up on the hope of a fulfilling sex life (beyond my vibrator).

I was confused wondering if I’d posted this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I asked my wife to read Emily Nagoski's "Come as you are." She read about 20 pages and couldn't be bothered to finish. That level of indifference to our sex life was really disheartening. She blamed it on her body image, said she felt like she looked gross, and declared that nothing in the book would help as long as she felt that way.

So, I'm at sex once every six weeks until she can lose 50 pounds or whatever arbitrary weight number she thinks will make her feel better about herself.

You have our permission to open the marriage.

Hah. Thanks. I'm far to loyal to do that. I'll just suck it up and enjoy the good parts of the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you suffering from a dead bedroom at home?
How long? yes
What do you think the underlying cause is?long term marriage, kids and busy lives, lack of communication, resulting resentment

Curious to hear all perspectives M & F M
Those who are desperate
Those who are the dead
Have you given up?
Those who have considered/acted upon/thinking about acting upon the situation....

Given up no, don’t want to blow up my family. No sex in 18 months. Pornography is poor substitute. We are 50s, married 22 years, 3 kids.

Have definitely considered acting on it. Divorced HS friend very available for FWB situation.

Men need sex to feel loved and validated. So I feel neither.

That is actually not true, but if that is what you are feeling, then what you need is therapy to understand that there is more to you than your sex organ, and that sex isn't love.

Nope. It is absolutely true. If she's not having sex with you, a man will not feel loved it validated. And he will eventually seek that elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

hormones, resentment, too tired -- would rather sleep.

Not anymore though. We made some changes in our lives, and things are much better. It also helps that the kids are older now, and we can sleep in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you suffering from a dead bedroom at home?
How long? yes
What do you think the underlying cause is?long term marriage, kids and busy lives, lack of communication, resulting resentment

Curious to hear all perspectives M & F M
Those who are desperate
Those who are the dead
Have you given up?
Those who have considered/acted upon/thinking about acting upon the situation....

Given up no, don’t want to blow up my family. No sex in 18 months. Pornography is poor substitute. We are 50s, married 22 years, 3 kids.

Have definitely considered acting on it. Divorced HS friend very available for FWB situation.

Men need sex to feel loved and validated. So I feel neither.

That is actually not true, but if that is what you are feeling, then what you need is therapy to understand that there is more to you than your sex organ, and that sex isn't love.

Nope. It is absolutely true. If she's not having sex with you, a man will not feel loved it validated. And he will eventually seek that elsewhere.

Sometimes it’s the man withholding. You are speaking in universals where they don’t actually exist.

[Anonymous]

Our bedroom wasn’t dead but there was barely a heartbeat. It really came down to our both coming clean that the sex just wasn’t very good with us doing the same thing for the same amount of time virtually every time. With very busy lives we just did it without getting into it. We were both at fault which helped us talk it through and then do something about it. I’m a teacher so I gave us an assignment for each of us to write down three things we’d like to do in bed and that it was OK for the other to say no if it was too much. For fun we had a “blind draw” and picked one of mine. My DH’s response was “really, I hope I can do it!”. Over a couple of weeks we did all six after which the dead bedroom was no more. That was about 15 years ago and the sex is still great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you suffering from a dead bedroom at home?
How long? yes
What do you think the underlying cause is?long term marriage, kids and busy lives, lack of communication, resulting resentment

Curious to hear all perspectives M & F M
Those who are desperate
Those who are the dead
Have you given up?
Those who have considered/acted upon/thinking about acting upon the situation....

Given up no, don’t want to blow up my family. No sex in 18 months. Pornography is poor substitute. We are 50s, married 22 years, 3 kids.

Have definitely considered acting on it. Divorced HS friend very available for FWB situation.

Men need sex to feel loved and validated. So I feel neither.

That is actually not true, but if that is what you are feeling, then what you need is therapy to understand that there is more to you than your sex organ, and that sex isn't love.

Nope. It is absolutely true. If she's not having sex with you, a man will not feel loved it validated. And he will eventually seek that elsewhere.

Or some guys, like my exBF of three year relationship, will seek to feel even more loved and validated by screwing someone else without telling you, thereby exposing you to God knows what type of STD and breaking your heart all in the name of feeling loved and validated when you were actually having sex 3-4 times a week with him already! There's that.

[Anonymous]

+1 to the so-called "side effects" of anti-depressants, blood thinners, and other medications that doctors prescribe without any concern for what they do to the sex drive. Affects men & women, but probably women more than men. I've tried to get my wife to go off anti-depressants but she won't. Now I'm depressed!