Former stepdaughter wants a relationship

[Anonymous]

I am a PP who said you should be nice, respond and set appropriate boundaries. I also am a stepmom. My stepdaughter at 16 had a HORRIBLE reaction to our pregnancy and BTW she was also extremely high maintenance as a teenager. I still showed love and maturity and didn't reflect back whatever she chose to dish out. She was... a teenager. THAT'S WHAT (some of/ many of) THEY DO. She is now 22 and a thoughtful, loving doting big sister and my children cherish their relationship with her even though we don't live close.

Give her a chance OP. You sound pretty terrible. Some teenagers are rough, and its up to adults to...be the adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a PP who said you should be nice, respond and set appropriate boundaries. I also am a stepmom. My stepdaughter at 16 had a HORRIBLE reaction to our pregnancy and BTW she was also extremely high maintenance as a teenager. I still showed love and maturity and didn't reflect back whatever she chose to dish out. She was... a teenager. THAT'S WHAT (some of/ many of) THEY DO. She is now 22 and a thoughtful, loving doting big sister and my children cherish their relationship with her even though we don't live close.

Give her a chance OP. You sound pretty terrible. Some teenagers are rough, and its up to adults to...be the adults.

+1 She's not your "former stepdaughter". She's your other child's half sister, and your deceased husband's child. Maybe she's improved with time.

[Anonymous]

NP. I have a lot of trouble processing these posts because I think many of them completely invalidate OP's feelings about her late husband's child. Yes, the child was young and was behaving terribly. But what's wrong with OP simply ignoring her requests for contact? It's not like they had lived in the same house or had any relationship. If OP didn't have a child with her late husband, would this person still want to be in touch? What exactly does she want? She still has her bio mom so I don't buy all these PPs lamenting about her "trauma". There are people in worse circumstances and this person needs to learn to not harrass the OP.

[Anonymous]

This is one of those posts where things don't go OP's way and she comes back and adds details that lend credence to her original post, but which may or may not be accurate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. I have a lot of trouble processing these posts because I think many of them completely invalidate OP's feelings about her late husband's child. Yes, the child was young and was behaving terribly. But what's wrong with OP simply ignoring her requests for contact? It's not like they had lived in the same house or had any relationship. If OP didn't have a child with her late husband, would this person still want to be in touch? What exactly does she want? She still has her bio mom so I don't buy all these PPs lamenting about her "trauma". There are people in worse circumstances and this person needs to learn to not harrass the OP.

No one is harassing the OP. Just pointing out that the "former stepdaughter" is her child's half sibling and blood ties should be nurtured unless there's a good reason otherwise. Since OP hasn't seen the stepdaughter in years, it's possible that she's gotten better with age. No harm done in seeing her briefly and then never again if she hasn't.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you were so confident in your own righteousness, you wouldn’t need to come here for validation. Clearly there’s some aspect of this that isn’t sitting right with you, and it’s worth thinking through that instead of trying to block it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:THe house is gone and the deed was in my name. She is a trust fund baby. His exDW got his life insurance and 401K.

When she writes to me, she asks me how I am doing, if I have met anyone, what grade MY son is (she doesn't call him "my brother", she calls him "MY SON"). She puts a lot of stupid emoticons.

DP Well, he is your son, right? Unless they grew up together in the same house I can see why she sees him more as your son than her brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. I have a lot of trouble processing these posts because I think many of them completely invalidate OP's feelings about her late husband's child. Yes, the child was young and was behaving terribly. But what's wrong with OP simply ignoring her requests for contact? It's not like they had lived in the same house or had any relationship. If OP didn't have a child with her late husband, would this person still want to be in touch? What exactly does she want? She still has her bio mom so I don't buy all these PPs lamenting about her "trauma". There are people in worse circumstances and this person needs to learn to not harrass the OP.

I agree but we have a similar situation and most do not understand it. I would respond as either she wants money as mom kept it all or spent it all or something else. My guess is she will do a few emails and they leave her alone. I do not consider my child siblings with my husbands adult kids given how they treat dad and no contact with child. Mine know who they are and no secret but they chose no relationship after we tried for years so i would feel the same way op did. However mom probably has a huge role to play in this.

[Anonymous]

Someday your son will be curious about his sister. If you keep them apart, make sure you’ll be comfortable explaining why to him later.

Does he have contact with any of his father’s family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
So she was a teen when her divorced father met someone else, got married, had another child with the new wife, and was ill and died?

Excuse me, but that is COMPLETELY TRAUMATIZING for a teenager to go through. Normal teens with happy home lives can be impossible, but this???

I would forgive her and start afresh. Truly. You have no idea what she suffered during those years. You have no idea how that teen period affected her college years and young adulthood. She's probably scarred for life.

+1 although this perspective is probably too generous for the internet crowd

[Anonymous]

You reap what you sow.

[Anonymous]

OP I am not sure from what you wrote that your stepdaughter wants a relationship. Maybe she wants to apologize; maybe she wants money.

Up to you of course, but I'd be tempted to politely answer her inquiry and see where it goes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
So she was a teen when her divorced father met someone else, got married, had another child with the new wife, and was ill and died?

Excuse me, but that is COMPLETELY TRAUMATIZING for a teenager to go through. Normal teens with happy home lives can be impossible, but this???

I would forgive her and start afresh. Truly. You have no idea what she suffered during those years. You have no idea how that teen period affected her college years and young adulthood. She's probably scarred for life.

+1 although this perspective is probably too generous for the internet crowd

She wasn't a genocide survivor. Please don't throw around the term 'trauma' so easily. Life is complicated- her dad and mom split. She still had her needs taken care of so I don't know what her problem is. This "Woe is me" attitude is not working for many young people who like to think of themselves as troubled in this day and age.

[Anonymous]

I always find it fascinating when step parents assume that their partner's children should automatically have a sibling like bond with their half-siblings. That's not a given, and considering the age difference between the step-daughter and your son, it's not surprising. Your expectations of her are off the mark.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I always find it fascinating when step parents assume that their partner's children should automatically have a sibling like bond with their half-siblings. That's not a given, and considering the age difference between the step-daughter and your son, it's not surprising. Your expectations of her are off the mark.

Are we reading the same thread? OP never said she expected stepdaughter to bond with her own son. If anything, she doesn't have any expectations of her except to be left in peace. It's other people commenting on this thread that OP is mean for not allowing them to have that magical sibling bond. Which is completely unrealistic!