Former stepdaughter wants a relationship

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
So she was a teen when her divorced father met someone else, got married, had another child with the new wife, and was ill and died?

Excuse me, but that is COMPLETELY TRAUMATIZING for a teenager to go through. Normal teens with happy home lives can be impossible, but this???

I would forgive her and start afresh. Truly. You have no idea what she suffered during those years. You have no idea how that teen period affected her college years and young adulthood. She's probably scarred for life.

+1 although this perspective is probably too generous for the internet crowd

She wasn't a genocide survivor. Please don't throw around the term 'trauma' so easily. Life is complicated- her dad and mom split. She still had her needs taken care of so I don't know what her problem is. This "Woe is me" attitude is not working for many young people who like to think of themselves as troubled in this day and age.

Completely out of line.

Divorce is so common in this country ...do you honestly think it's traumatizing? Unless it involves abuse, the effects of divorce on children is overblown.

Yes. It is traumatizing to have your family ripped apart when you have no say. It's traumatizing to have to split yourself in two. Maybe not ontnthr same level as genocide but it is traumatic nonetheless, sorry if that bothers your conscience.

And for the record, 1/4 women in this country are sexually assaulted. Just because it's common doesn't mean it isn't traumatic, your analogy doesn't work.

[Anonymous]

You certainly made yourself sound like a saintin this scenario, and you made her sound positively evil. I wonder how she would tell the story.

[Anonymous]

How was he taken advantage by his teen daughter??What a stupid thing to say! Some people never let go of their insane pettiness and jealousy. It it clear OP is mad that she took care of her sick DH, that his ex got a lot of money and that all didn't go to her. That other pp being flippant about genocide and how surviving divorce isn't the equivalent, well that is all other kid of sick and nasty person. Probably a home wrecker too.
Perhaps step dd grew up and matured and is trying to make amends, however clearly OP is not that mature herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Her parents divorced when she was 5. We met when she was 14, married when she was 17. No one stole her father. The only thing she and her mother were concerned when he got sick was "are the child support checks coming?". She never visited him. The only time she'd call him was to ask for money. So "forgive me" if I am resentful and have a "kneejerk" reaction. My parents also divorced when I was young. But I never acted like that towards their new spouses and we had solid relationships. Even though my parents are long gone, I still talk to my stepmother and stepfather.

So here’s your cookie for being so awesome.

You realize that much of her reaction may have been due to her mother and HER reactions? Not everyone is as gifted as you are at having stable role models.

14 is tough, even when your dad isn’t meeting someone new, starting a new family, and then dying.

You sound more bitter and resentful that she got some money that I’m assuming you think should have gone to you and your son. You probably didn’t like her then because she was his first and he treated her that way.

If it’s nothing to you, then just tell her that you’re not interested in a relationship. She will find her half brother when he’s 18 like I did with mine.

Not bitter that she got money. My son is more than taken care of. I did like when I first met her. She had spunk. But she also had a mean streak; even her own mother said that.

Now I'm feeling sorry for the daughter. What a way to write off a kid.

Again: What do you want to hear? You don't like your stepdaughter, don't talk to her. But we're not going to tell you you're fabulous for making that decision.

I'm Team OP. OP has no obligation to her late DH's DD AT ALL. They never had a relationship and the girl is no one to her. It is no loss to OP to just pretend this person doesn't exist. And it is within OP's rights to deny the stepdaughter access to her own son given that she doesn't know what this person's intentions are. I wouldn't trust her, would you?

I agree with this. The fact that the girl still refers to her half brother as op's son is important. I also think it's important that she has dropped out of college. Do what you feel comfortable with op but I also agree that in the future she could grow up and have a good relationship with your child. I have seen a case like this where the older half sibling tried to foster a relationship with a younger half sibling to get money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this is OP writing that step daughter is not a genocide survivor...well that kind of flippant and nasty attitude just tells us all we need to know. That young woman should stop contacting widow step monster.

No, that wasn't OP. I'm saying like it is. The stepdaughter is imposing on her father's widow and that's not cool. OP already said she's sold the house and moved away so how exactly is the half-sister supposed to see OP's son? I hate reading threads where people assume that the woman needs to bend over backwards for people who don't even appreciate her and no one wants to admit it, but really we only expect it because OP is a woman. If she were a guy, no one would be calling her names.

+10

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a widow, my DH passed away 3 years ago. In fact, for the majority of our short marriage (6 years) he was ill. He was a wonderful man, very kind, very patient, and very taken advantage of by his-then teenage daughter. The fits she threw when she found out he met someone, her behavior at our wedding and her reaction to the news about having a baby brother were just astonishing. She didn't visit her father once at the hospital. She behaved like a total brat at his funeral, was very disrespectful to his elderly parents. She never contacted me after the funeral. The only time I heard anything about her was when her mother called me to ask when the insurance $$ was coming.

I have since sold our house and moved with our son to another area. Last month she found me on social media. She keeps sending messages, I don't respond to them. I don't care for that woman. I don't know what she wants from me but it's certainly not a relationship. She could care less about her brother, she never did. I know she's a college drop out and has been living with her mother. She has her inheritance, DH made sure she was taken care of.

I know blocking her everywhere will solve the problem but I really don't want her to contact my son, at least not until he's 18. Is there anything legally I can do?

I doubt it. She's not threatening you or harassing you, she's sending you perfectly ordinary, even friendly messages. Block her if you don't want to get the messages. When your son gets social media accounts, teach him to set appropriate privacy settings so his accounts aren't as publicly visible as yours apparently are.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't feel inclined to see her. Would it make a difference to you if she had behaved better in the past? For me, it wouldn't. It's not mean or anything it's just that I am very busy and I bet you are too being a single mother of a young child. My free time is extremely limited and I don't spend on people whose company I don't enjoy. I have cousins that are nice enough people but I don't keep in touch (neither do they FWIW) and that's fine because they live far away and we are all very busy.

Maybe SD is great, maybe she's not. Who knows, who cares. If you have other people whose company you enjoy spend your time with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't feel inclined to see her. Would it make a difference to you if she had behaved better in the past? For me, it wouldn't. It's not mean or anything it's just that I am very busy and I bet you are too being a single mother of a young child. My free time is extremely limited and I don't spend on people whose company I don't enjoy. I have cousins that are nice enough people but I don't keep in touch (neither do they FWIW) and that's fine because they live far away and we are all very busy.

Maybe SD is great, maybe she's not. Who knows, who cares. If you have other people whose company you enjoy spend your time with them.

+1 You have no obligation towards her at all.

[Anonymous]

She wants something. She does not want a relationship. She wants something - money, an item of her dad's, etc. Just find out what she wants, either do it or say no and move on. Lets be real, she isn't looking for a relationship with either one. We get those calls a few times a year. The kids want something (well, now its also an entitled wife who demands money) so just humor it and they will leave you alone for a while. My guess is it is money. Mom probably got all the money and she didn't use it on the daughter.

[Anonymous]

OP, I was in the same boat. Dying husband, spoiled rotten stepkids, who never called, never bothered to ask how their dad was doing. And they were no teenagers. The first thing I made sure was that there was never any contact between them and my daughter. Her halfsister is a junkie. Her halfbrother is constantly blaming anyone but himself, can't hold a job or a marriage.

So stand your ground. Keep losers away from your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was in the same boat. Dying husband, spoiled rotten stepkids, who never called, never bothered to ask how their dad was doing. And they were no teenagers. The first thing I made sure was that there was never any contact between them and my daughter. Her halfsister is a junkie. Her halfbrother is constantly blaming anyone but himself, can't hold a job or a marriage.

So stand your ground. Keep losers away from your child.

So, divorced parents, dying father, step mom, new half sibling, and messed up even adult children? I guess divorce really has no impact on children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was in the same boat. Dying husband, spoiled rotten stepkids, who never called, never bothered to ask how their dad was doing. And they were no teenagers. The first thing I made sure was that there was never any contact between them and my daughter. Her halfsister is a junkie. Her halfbrother is constantly blaming anyone but himself, can't hold a job or a marriage.

So stand your ground. Keep losers away from your child.

So, divorced parents, dying father, step mom, new half sibling, and messed up even adult children? I guess divorce really has no impact on children.

Ugh, so we're all assuming that her deceased father was father of the year.

Guess, what, my father was dying and I didn't visit him until right before he died because he was horrible and abused my sister as a child And I wasn't nice to my stepmom because she wasn't nice to me. But, if I found out I had a sibling, I would likely reach out especially since my abusive father was out of the picture.

We don't the story at all, maybe the girl is awful, maybe she isn't, but she isn't harassing you by asking you how you are on social media. Ignore he if you want, but there is nothing legal to be done and be sure you're ready to explain to your son why you didn't let him see his sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was in the same boat. Dying husband, spoiled rotten stepkids, who never called, never bothered to ask how their dad was doing. And they were no teenagers. The first thing I made sure was that there was never any contact between them and my daughter. Her halfsister is a junkie. Her halfbrother is constantly blaming anyone but himself, can't hold a job or a marriage.

So stand your ground. Keep losers away from your child.

So, divorced parents, dying father, step mom, new half sibling, and messed up even adult children? I guess divorce really has no impact on children.

Ugh, so we're all assuming that her deceased father was father of the year.

Guess, what, my father was dying and I didn't visit him until right before he died because he was horrible and abused my sister as a child And I wasn't nice to my stepmom because she wasn't nice to me. But, if I found out I had a sibling, I would likely reach out especially since my abusive father was out of the picture.

We don't the story at all, maybe the girl is awful, maybe she isn't, but she isn't harassing you by asking you how you are on social media. Ignore he if you want, but there is nothing legal to be done and be sure you're ready to explain to your son why you didn't let him see his sister.

Nobody said father is a saint in any scenario. So, what you are saying is that if you had a half sibling you might want to have some relationships when you are an adult? Same things OP's step DD is doing. Grew up, matured, and might want to see her brother. OP doesn't' have to do anything. But, clearly she posted here and is realizing that her decision is eating her away. She might answer and find out that step DD is still immature or wants money, possible, or she might never reach out and never find out what she wanted. And it will eat away at her like it is now. So, what is a better option long term for OP and her emotional well being? The way I see if, in both scenarios answering is a win for OP, even if she is upset be finding out that her step DD is still a monster.

[Anonymous]

She either wants money or, maybe, she has changed. I am an eternal optimist and believe people can change.

Send her a note and meet at a restaurant or coffee shop. If she brings up money, then you know what she wants. Ifvshe apologizes for her past behavior, it could still be a ruse for asking for money later on but it's worth taking a chance that she has changed.

[Anonymous]

OP saddens me.

I am sorry you had a tough time with your husband and his illness and death sound awful and compounded by the bad behavior of your stepdaughter and his ex wife.

It is evident you are angry. You haven't really shown anything that tells me you have a right to be after so long (was there violence?).

Your stepdaughter had only her mother as a role model and her mother clearly was also angry.

What is the goal of perpetuating this cycle of anger?

Forgive her. You don't need to be her friend but your son's sake, and equally for your sake you need to forgive her and move on. She was a teenager at the time. None of us deserve to be judged forever for our teenage years.

You don't need to be her friend OP, or even have a real relationship. But you need to forgive her. And then respond on social media. Just be courteous. If she asks for money, or is terrible, ignore. But give her a chance as she is now an adult. And if this one fails, give her another in 5 years if she asks for it.

And you may want to think about therapy for yourself. You need to stop being angry for your son's sake and live the life you can, even if it wasn't what you wanted or deserved.