Former stepdaughter wants a relationship

[Anonymous]

Her parents divorced when she was 5. We met when she was 14, married when she was 17. No one stole her father. The only thing she and her mother were concerned when he got sick was "are the child support checks coming?". She never visited him. The only time she'd call him was to ask for money. So "forgive me" if I am resentful and have a "kneejerk" reaction. My parents also divorced when I was young. But I never acted like that towards their new spouses and we had solid relationships. Even though my parents are long gone, I still talk to my stepmother and stepfather.

[Anonymous]

If ex got the money, daughter may not have gotten any.

[Anonymous]

My husbands daughter is like that. It was the mother. She texts when she wants something a few times and then we never heat for a year. I would respond and see. She probably will email a few times and go away. Say no to money as mom got plenty and she is not your problem and an adult.

[Anonymous]

She said "trust fund". So there should be money for her too. Unless she blew through it...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Her parents divorced when she was 5. We met when she was 14, married when she was 17. No one stole her father. The only thing she and her mother were concerned when he got sick was "are the child support checks coming?". She never visited him. The only time she'd call him was to ask for money. So "forgive me" if I am resentful and have a "kneejerk" reaction. My parents also divorced when I was young. But I never acted like that towards their new spouses and we had solid relationships. Even though my parents are long gone, I still talk to my stepmother and stepfather.

So here’s your cookie for being so awesome.

You realize that much of her reaction may have been due to her mother and HER reactions? Not everyone is as gifted as you are at having stable role models.

14 is tough, even when your dad isn’t meeting someone new, starting a new family, and then dying.

You sound more bitter and resentful that she got some money that I’m assuming you think should have gone to you and your son. You probably didn’t like her then because she was his first and he treated her that way.

If it’s nothing to you, then just tell her that you’re not interested in a relationship. She will find her half brother when he’s 18 like I did with mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Her parents divorced when she was 5. We met when she was 14, married when she was 17. No one stole her father. The only thing she and her mother were concerned when he got sick was "are the child support checks coming?". She never visited him. The only time she'd call him was to ask for money. So "forgive me" if I am resentful and have a "kneejerk" reaction. My parents also divorced when I was young. But I never acted like that towards their new spouses and we had solid relationships. Even though my parents are long gone, I still talk to my stepmother and stepfather.

Not sure what you're looking to hear from this site, then. If you've determined that you dislike her and don't want to reply, then don't.

But don't get defensive when people remind you that you shouldn't conflate the daughter and the ex; that she is very young and has suffered the dual blows of divorce and parental death; and that teenagers don't always (despite your own background) behave at their best in such situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Her parents divorced when she was 5. We met when she was 14, married when she was 17. No one stole her father. The only thing she and her mother were concerned when he got sick was "are the child support checks coming?". She never visited him. The only time she'd call him was to ask for money. So "forgive me" if I am resentful and have a "kneejerk" reaction. My parents also divorced when I was young. But I never acted like that towards their new spouses and we had solid relationships. Even though my parents are long gone, I still talk to my stepmother and stepfather.

How much custody did her father have after the divorce? What kind of relationship did he have with her from ages 5 to 14? 14 to 17? How much did they see each other?

[Anonymous]

I trashed my dad’s house when I realized he had a girlfriend and I hated him for years.

I was 18, dumb and immature. Now she’s gone, and here I am taking care of my dad while he is on hospice.

Forgive her. Show her what a healthy relationship looks like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Her parents divorced when she was 5. We met when she was 14, married when she was 17. No one stole her father. The only thing she and her mother were concerned when he got sick was "are the child support checks coming?". She never visited him. The only time she'd call him was to ask for money. So "forgive me" if I am resentful and have a "kneejerk" reaction. My parents also divorced when I was young. But I never acted like that towards their new spouses and we had solid relationships. Even though my parents are long gone, I still talk to my stepmother and stepfather.

So here’s your cookie for being so awesome.

You realize that much of her reaction may have been due to her mother and HER reactions? Not everyone is as gifted as you are at having stable role models.

14 is tough, even when your dad isn’t meeting someone new, starting a new family, and then dying.

You sound more bitter and resentful that she got some money that I’m assuming you think should have gone to you and your son. You probably didn’t like her then because she was his first and he treated her that way.

If it’s nothing to you, then just tell her that you’re not interested in a relationship. She will find her half brother when he’s 18 like I did with mine.

Not bitter that she got money. My son is more than taken care of. I did like when I first met her. She had spunk. But she also had a mean streak; even her own mother said that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Her parents divorced when she was 5. We met when she was 14, married when she was 17. No one stole her father. The only thing she and her mother were concerned when he got sick was "are the child support checks coming?". She never visited him. The only time she'd call him was to ask for money. So "forgive me" if I am resentful and have a "kneejerk" reaction. My parents also divorced when I was young. But I never acted like that towards their new spouses and we had solid relationships. Even though my parents are long gone, I still talk to my stepmother and stepfather.

So here’s your cookie for being so awesome.

You realize that much of her reaction may have been due to her mother and HER reactions? Not everyone is as gifted as you are at having stable role models.

14 is tough, even when your dad isn’t meeting someone new, starting a new family, and then dying.

You sound more bitter and resentful that she got some money that I’m assuming you think should have gone to you and your son. You probably didn’t like her then because she was his first and he treated her that way.

If it’s nothing to you, then just tell her that you’re not interested in a relationship. She will find her half brother when he’s 18 like I did with mine.

Not bitter that she got money. My son is more than taken care of. I did like when I first met her. She had spunk. But she also had a mean streak; even her own mother said that.

Now I'm feeling sorry for the daughter. What a way to write off a kid.

Again: What do you want to hear? You don't like your stepdaughter, don't talk to her. But we're not going to tell you you're fabulous for making that decision.

[Anonymous]

Well delete, block and move on then OP.

Her dad is gone perhaps she is reaching out because you and your son are the closest connection she has to him and now that she has matured she has realized that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Her parents divorced when she was 5. We met when she was 14, married when she was 17. No one stole her father. The only thing she and her mother were concerned when he got sick was "are the child support checks coming?". She never visited him. The only time she'd call him was to ask for money. So "forgive me" if I am resentful and have a "kneejerk" reaction. My parents also divorced when I was young. But I never acted like that towards their new spouses and we had solid relationships. Even though my parents are long gone, I still talk to my stepmother and stepfather.

So here’s your cookie for being so awesome.

You realize that much of her reaction may have been due to her mother and HER reactions? Not everyone is as gifted as you are at having stable role models.

14 is tough, even when your dad isn’t meeting someone new, starting a new family, and then dying.

You sound more bitter and resentful that she got some money that I’m assuming you think should have gone to you and your son. You probably didn’t like her then because she was his first and he treated her that way.

If it’s nothing to you, then just tell her that you’re not interested in a relationship. She will find her half brother when he’s 18 like I did with mine.

Not bitter that she got money. My son is more than taken care of. I did like when I first met her. She had spunk. But she also had a mean streak; even her own mother said that.

Now I'm feeling sorry for the daughter. What a way to write off a kid.

Again: What do you want to hear? You don't like your stepdaughter, don't talk to her. But we're not going to tell you you're fabulous for making that decision.

I'm Team OP. OP has no obligation to her late DH's DD AT ALL. They never had a relationship and the girl is no one to her. It is no loss to OP to just pretend this person doesn't exist. And it is within OP's rights to deny the stepdaughter access to her own son given that she doesn't know what this person's intentions are. I wouldn't trust her, would you?

[Anonymous]

You're the adult, OP. This young woman was a teenager when you married her father and then he died when she was in her early 20s. That is a lot to handle.

Don't get me wrong - I understand the resentment and wanting her out of your life. I had a similar situation with my own step-father and step-siblings before, during, and after the death of my mother. They were awful to all of us, including while my mother was on her deathbed. I was 22 and was left to pick up the pieces after she died. Several years later, one of my step-siblings reached out to me. I was very suspicious but I responded. He apologized for how awful he was and credited my deceased mother with helping him get his life on track. It was nice to hear - for my own sake and on behalf of my mom. We didn't maintain contact after that exchange. I don't hold a grudge, but I'm also never going to want a relationship with any of them. I have forgiven but I haven't forgotten.

I responded to the initial outreach because I was - and still am - the bigger person when it comes to them. Our lives will always be linked to some degree, and I chose to respond with grace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:THe house is gone and the deed was in my name. She is a trust fund baby. His exDW got his life insurance and 401K.

When she writes to me, she asks me how I am doing, if I have met anyone, what grade MY son is (she doesn't call him "my brother", she calls him "MY SON"). She puts a lot of stupid emoticons.

OP, I think it is important that you recognize that you are resentful toward a person who, at the time when she behaved so badly, was a child - a child whose parents divorced, whose father got sick, remarried, had another child, and then died. You have your own feelings about the whole process, but it does not sound like you have done all that much to acknowledge her perspective. Her father left and then DIED. I would be shocked if she behaved WELL in those circumstances.

I don't know from where you are getting the idea that she does not want a relationship. She has reached out to you multiple times, asking how you are doing, how your son is doing, etc. I don't see why you are so upset about someone who does not have a relationship with your son not calling him her brother - it seems like if she asked how "her brother" was doing, you'd be angry that she's claiming a relationship she didn't earn.

I think that you need to explore why your kneejerk hostility is as strong as it is. When did your husband die? How much time has elapsed?

I agree w/ this post.

You sound angry and resentful of someone who was a child. And it sounds like that child has grown up some and is trying to make contact w/ people her father loved. I could easily read all kinds of positive, optimistic, sad, empathetic possibilities here and would really encourage you to try to view this scenario through as many different lenses as possible.

A 5 year old girl suffered her parent's divorce, and then her father died when she was a teenager. She has a half brother with whom she is not allowed contact.

I am sympathetic to your loss OP, but I'm sympathetic to where someone who has experienced those losses might be also. Try to find some kindness within you, and if you can't - try to think about why that is. The anger you're carrying isn't doing you any good.

[Anonymous]

Poor kid. You fit the awful stepmother role, OP!