Do you excuse sexist or racist behavior from a older relative because of their age?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No for 2 reaons.
1- My family doesn't have the luxury of excusing it because they are usually on the receiving end.
2- "Back then" is not excuse. People in their 60's now were teenager or twenties in the 1970's. Granted it was still no racial paradise then, but they are old enough to know better. It's a choice.

I’m white and agree with #2. If someone is much older— 80s or 90s— and mentally slowing down, I call it out in a way that might be most effective in changing behavior. It depends on the situation. Ignorance is different than hostility, and I don’t think shaming someone who is just ignorant is either kind or effective. Gentle education is better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No for 2 reaons.
1- My family doesn't have the luxury of excusing it because they are usually on the receiving end.
2- "Back then" is not excuse. People in their 60's now were teenager or twenties in the 1970's. Granted it was still no racial paradise then, but they are old enough to know better. It's a choice.

I’m white and agree with #2. If someone is much older— 80s or 90s— and mentally slowing down, I call it out in a way that might be most effective in changing behavior. It depends on the situation. Ignorance is different than hostility, and I don’t think shaming someone who is just ignorant is either kind or effective. Gentle education is better.

NP.
Says a person who is not on the receiving enD. What you consider mere ignorance can be hurtful and harmful to me and mine.But that does not concern you does it? You can educate someone instead of cussing them out but please realize that just because something is not hurtful to you doesn't mean it does not leave lifelong accumulated psychic scars for others.

[Anonymous]

My parents are smarter than to say it out loud. We just don't talk about anything except the weather anymore.

They are getting old and sick. I love them and will miss them but will be glad they won't be voting anymore.

[Anonymous]

There are two things and they said it a few times and I always called them out. Mom said male doctors were better and she used to argue back when I started in but it got to her not arguing and finally agreeing that women were equally potentially great or bad. I’ve had female doctors that simply weren’t as dismissive and listened to and solved my problems. She understands now but it took like 15 years.
Dad has used the term orientals for people and eventually stopped. I told him that was for objects only and he understood and apologized but slipped a few other times. He knew he was wrong but that word just came out and he has lived in Asia and has Asian friends. I never understood why white people could excuse their grandparents using the n word but seeing my dad struggle with slipping on referring to a person as Oriental knowing it was incorrect gave me a bit of insight but I didn’t let him continue.

[Anonymous]

My *very* southern family:
My father was born in 1937 and uses the n-word a couple times a year or so. I usually respond with a "DAD, for God's sakes, quit saying that word! What is wrong with you?!" It doesn't change a thing.

My paternal grandmother was born in 1907. I will never forget grocery shopping with her in the late 90's and there was a black family in the cereal aisle with us. My grandmother very loudly said, "oh, that's what the coloreds eat for breakfast." I looked the mom right in the eyes and "I am so sorry." My grandmother would alternate between "coloreds" and "Negroes" and it drove me crazy, because she had no compunction against saying whatever she wanted to anyone she wanted. She lived until she was 95, and had no intention of changing. If you said anything to her, she'd feign deafness and ignore you.

[Anonymous]

They can think whatever they want, but they don't get to express these ideas as they pertain to MY family, and I will correct their words and ideas if they express themselves in that way to my spouse or children.

If I didn't use that restriction, I would have to cut off my entire family on my mother's side! My Grandmother was a European aristocrat who didn't even believe in democracy, but wanted a restored monarchy. When we persuaded her to vote, she went for the far-right candidate. That kind of thing.

[Anonymous]

Joe, we're thinking about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No for 2 reaons.
1- My family doesn't have the luxury of excusing it because they are usually on the receiving end.
2- "Back then" is not excuse. People in their 60's now were teenager or twenties in the 1970's. Granted it was still no racial paradise then, but they are old enough to know better. It's a choice.

Are we really talking about people in their 60's, though? I am 43, and my parents are in their 70's. They are not racist and definitely don't say these types of things.

But THEIR parents? Absolutely. And they died in the last few years, so their behavior is relatively recent.

An example: Some other family members had my grandfather (age 92) in a restaurant for lunch. An interracial couple walked in. My grandfather very loudly said "I don't like that!" while staring at them.

So what's the proper way for grandchildren (in their 30's/40's) to handle that, with a man in his 90's? Is it really possible to "educate" him, at that stage of his life?

I wasn't there at the time, but my thought is maybe say something (loudly enough for the couple to hear, since they undoubtedly heard HIS comment) like "Well, you don't have to like it. They didn't ask for your opinion and they seem to like it just fine!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

When my grandpa was alive and he dropped money into a black cashier's hand and she looked at me horrified, I looked back at her also similarly horrified and whispered "I'm so sorry - I'll talk to him." And I did.

What does this mean?

He didn't let his (white) hand touch her (black) hand.

[Anonymous]

I correct my parents but they are pretty good. Not hateful just have said one or two things over the years that are ignorant. But my ILs are willfully ignorant racists. There’s usually at least one zinger when we visit. I leave the room and seethe. However if anyone were around that might be hurt by their comments I’d correct them on the spot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. I excuse the behavior because I do not have to live with it. My interaction is very limited and hopefully they will die soon.

. This but only because I see them every 2-3 years for a couple of days and they are in their 90s. I don't love myself for doing it though. I feel like their time to use their priveledge for harm is long since passed, they have no power or influence in anyway, so I just wait it out. If they were younger I think I would not look away

[Anonymous]

Depends on age and mental status. When my 90-something grandfather used racist language, mid dementia, there was no point. He wasn't out and about, he was in a private room in my cousin's house. He had already lost his mine, us lecturing him would not have helped one bit.

[Anonymous]

"Honor they mother and father" does not mean you have to agree with everything they think or say. It means being patient with them and gently correcting them.

My dad uses "Oriental" from time to time. Its not an offensive word so much as an outdated one. I just kind of pause, and say "so, the word now is "asian" just to be clear" and he's like "yes of course" . They grew up in a different time, in the mid 1950s to late 1960s on the west edge of Baltimore City, when neighborhoods were undergoing flux and there were some violent and alarming incidents. When you're in your 20s trying to live your life and people are trying to victimize you, humans tend to form opinions. I mean, the multiple-attempted burglers NEVER looked like they do on those ADT commercials, is what I'm saying. Incidentally one of my dad's friends is black...hes also a retired state trooper and is conservative and quite the comedian too.
My parents aren't rednecks or racist in their decision making but they are in their mid 70s and are what they are.

I cant judge them any more for how life has shaped them than I can an honest black motorist who has been stopped by the police so many times he is nervous about "what is it THIS time?"

My wife's elderly jewish grandfather apparently hurled some racist epithets in the short time he lived as a widower in a care facility. He wasn't all there. He never said ANYTHING like that when he was around us. If dementia turns people racist, I think there's a study to be done there. Are we all just racist and our intelligent functioning minds lets us abstract over it, the better angels of our natures? Yikes.

[Anonymous]

Do you have any idea how old the people who marched in the civil rights movement are today?

No free passes for age.

[Anonymous]

Respect your elders. Of course they can say whatever they want.