Talk to me about having a large family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:9 kids in my family. You basically don't get to develop a deep parenting relationship with each individual kid. There are other benefits for the kids (independence, fun, family belonginess) but a lot fewer parental resources for each one.

I think 4 kids is really the max if you want to be close to your lids.

Based on your one experience. It really depends on financial situation; what you can hire out. The temperament of your children. So many things.
We have hashed and rehashed the really large families on this board and had all the haters come out. OP is talking about four here, not fourteen.

How many people can have 4+ kids and still afford to "hire out" to a significant degree? Also hiring out doesn't really solve the issue of individualized attention. My family had paid help, and they couldn't really pay attention to individual kids either.

Lots of people in this area can afford it. I’m a SAHM to more than four, and we hire stuff out. I personally know 6-7 others in the same situation although it’s not representative given my husband is in a high paying job.
Just because you can’t fathom it, or don’t like it, doesn’t mean it can’t work.

you can't hire out parental 1:1 time with the kids. If you have 4 under 8 to put to bed, everyone is getting 1 bedtime story all together.

Some kids have two working parents and get no bedtime story. You are going to criticize the poster who said hers were spaced out and can read the baby it’s own story, you’re going to criticize the ones who have 4 under 8 and read a group story, because you simply don’t like large families and don’t even parent one! Go away.
I will say kids from larger families seem to be more easy going, flexible and less self absorbed. You should take a lesson from them.

[Anonymous]

Why is having bedtime stories together a bad thing? DCUM is so weird about what they deem good and bad. I have 3 under 7. Each child picks a book and we all read snuggled up together - it’s an awesome time for all 5 of us to share together each night. And yes, we both work. That means my DH is able to have a job that allows him to be home for bedtime almost every single night.

Then DH and I each take one of the younger two to their rooms and sing a couple songs, talk for a couple minutes, back rub, etc. Then whoever finishes first goes back to oldest’s room and does that for him. Usually he reads to himself while he waits. Works great for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m another poster pregnant with my 4th. What do weekends look like for big families?

We have four. Friday nights I take kids to gymnastics/parkour, then we have pizza and movie night. Saturday’s are pretty low key. Kids are in soccer and basketball for their schools, but it is never more than twenty minutes away and lasts for an hour. We aren’t running all over the place. Maybe this will change as they get older. Mostly we clean the house, read, watch some tv. My middle two usually have a play date.
Saturday night DH and I go out for date night.
Sunday we go to church, have lunch, come home and play outside for a bit. Do homework/practice music. Watch TV. We have a big dinner every Sunday with dessert, then a family meeting. After family meeting kids finish up any homework, get backpacks packed, read story, and go to bed. DH and I split bedtimes to two older kids and two smaller kids. The smaller kids want to pick out their own stories. The older kids would rather listen together for longer.

When do you spend 1-1 time with each kid?

I see plenty of time in that weekend schedule for one on one time. You should learn some time management skills. I bet this person is spending more time with their kids than the majority of people.

Weekend time is not plenty when Saturday is date night, Sunday is church, dinner and family meeting. So, what, each kid gets 30 minutes a weekend and you think that is enough? They don't even get 1-1 time at bedtime.

You’re up at 6-7 am on Saturday. That’s a full 12 hours before date night and you can’t figure out when you’d spend time with kids? It sounds like a family focused weekend to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:9 kids in my family. You basically don't get to develop a deep parenting relationship with each individual kid. There are other benefits for the kids (independence, fun, family belonginess) but a lot fewer parental resources for each one.

I think 4 kids is really the max if you want to be close to your lids.

Based on your one experience. It really depends on financial situation; what you can hire out. The temperament of your children. So many things.
We have hashed and rehashed the really large families on this board and had all the haters come out. OP is talking about four here, not fourteen.

How many people can have 4+ kids and still afford to "hire out" to a significant degree? Also hiring out doesn't really solve the issue of individualized attention. My family had paid help, and they couldn't really pay attention to individual kids either.

Lots of people in this area can afford it. I’m a SAHM to more than four, and we hire stuff out. I personally know 6-7 others in the same situation although it’s not representative given my husband is in a high paying job.
Just because you can’t fathom it, or don’t like it, doesn’t mean it can’t work.

you can't hire out parental 1:1 time with the kids. If you have 4 under 8 to put to bed, everyone is getting 1 bedtime story all together.

Some kids have two working parents and get no bedtime story. You are going to criticize the poster who said hers were spaced out and can read the baby it’s own story, you’re going to criticize the ones who have 4 under 8 and read a group story, because you simply don’t like large families and don’t even parent one! Go away.
I will say kids from larger families seem to be more easy going, flexible and less self absorbed. You should take a lesson from them.

Look, I actually am one 1 of 9 kids, and the mom to an only, so I think I have a pretty good frame of reference. t's absolutely indisputable that the fewer the kids, the more parental resources each one of them gets. I don't think having a large family means dooming your children; I don't feel I was doomed by all my sibs. I do think it's very important to think about the kind of parenting you want to do, and whether you will be happy as a parent or not.

You know what does spell doom though? people who are ideologically and rigidly committed to a certain kind of parenting (such as having a big family) and can't handle any discussion of the drawbacks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is having bedtime stories together a bad thing? DCUM is so weird about what they deem good and bad. I have 3 under 7. Each child picks a book and we all read snuggled up together - it’s an awesome time for all 5 of us to share together each night. And yes, we both work. That means my DH is able to have a job that allows him to be home for bedtime almost every single night.

Then DH and I each take one of the younger two to their rooms and sing a couple songs, talk for a couple minutes, back rub, etc. Then whoever finishes first goes back to oldest’s room and does that for him. Usually he reads to himself while he waits. Works great for us.

You have three kids - that sounds lovely. Now multiply by 3x and let me know how lovely it sounds ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m another poster pregnant with my 4th. What do weekends look like for big families?

We have four. Friday nights I take kids to gymnastics/parkour, then we have pizza and movie night. Saturday’s are pretty low key. Kids are in soccer and basketball for their schools, but it is never more than twenty minutes away and lasts for an hour. We aren’t running all over the place. Maybe this will change as they get older. Mostly we clean the house, read, watch some tv. My middle two usually have a play date.
Saturday night DH and I go out for date night.
Sunday we go to church, have lunch, come home and play outside for a bit. Do homework/practice music. Watch TV. We have a big dinner every Sunday with dessert, then a family meeting. After family meeting kids finish up any homework, get backpacks packed, read story, and go to bed. DH and I split bedtimes to two older kids and two smaller kids. The smaller kids want to pick out their own stories. The older kids would rather listen together for longer.

When do you spend 1-1 time with each kid?

I see plenty of time in that weekend schedule for one on one time. You should learn some time management skills. I bet this person is spending more time with their kids than the majority of people.

Weekend time is not plenty when Saturday is date night, Sunday is church, dinner and family meeting. So, what, each kid gets 30 minutes a weekend and you think that is enough? They don't even get 1-1 time at bedtime.

You’re up at 6-7 am on Saturday. That’s a full 12 hours before date night and you can’t figure out when you’d spend time with kids? It sounds like a family focused weekend to me.

We are not up at 6-7.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is having bedtime stories together a bad thing? DCUM is so weird about what they deem good and bad. I have 3 under 7. Each child picks a book and we all read snuggled up together - it’s an awesome time for all 5 of us to share together each night. And yes, we both work. That means my DH is able to have a job that allows him to be home for bedtime almost every single night.

Then DH and I each take one of the younger two to their rooms and sing a couple songs, talk for a couple minutes, back rub, etc. Then whoever finishes first goes back to oldest’s room and does that for him. Usually he reads to himself while he waits. Works great for us.

Kids need individual time with parents.

[Anonymous]

I don't think growing up my parents ever did 1:1 time at all. Nor did we expect, want or need it. I think that is a new trendy thing.

[Anonymous]

The child in a family of 9 seems to be the one over and over saying children can’t possibly get enough 1:1 time. The situations aren’t even comparable. That is more than double what the OP is talking about. Hasn’t offered one helpful piece of advice except repeatedly that your attention will be divided by another person (which is rather obvious).
And, if you want to open that can of worms, we would be happy to tell you the drawbacks to having your only...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think growing up my parents ever did 1:1 time at all. Nor did we expect, want or need it. I think that is a new trendy thing.

I was 1 of 2 and we didn’t do things alone or really anything fun family time! I agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is having bedtime stories together a bad thing? DCUM is so weird about what they deem good and bad. I have 3 under 7. Each child picks a book and we all read snuggled up together - it’s an awesome time for all 5 of us to share together each night. And yes, we both work. That means my DH is able to have a job that allows him to be home for bedtime almost every single night.

Then DH and I each take one of the younger two to their rooms and sing a couple songs, talk for a couple minutes, back rub, etc. Then whoever finishes first goes back to oldest’s room and does that for him. Usually he reads to himself while he waits. Works great for us.

You have three kids - that sounds lovely. Now multiply by 3x and let me know how lovely it sounds ...

Why? Can’t you read? The OP and whole point of this thread is whether she should have a fourth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m another poster pregnant with my 4th. What do weekends look like for big families?

We have four. Friday nights I take kids to gymnastics/parkour, then we have pizza and movie night. Saturday’s are pretty low key. Kids are in soccer and basketball for their schools, but it is never more than twenty minutes away and lasts for an hour. We aren’t running all over the place. Maybe this will change as they get older. Mostly we clean the house, read, watch some tv. My middle two usually have a play date.
Saturday night DH and I go out for date night.
Sunday we go to church, have lunch, come home and play outside for a bit. Do homework/practice music. Watch TV. We have a big dinner every Sunday with dessert, then a family meeting. After family meeting kids finish up any homework, get backpacks packed, read story, and go to bed. DH and I split bedtimes to two older kids and two smaller kids. The smaller kids want to pick out their own stories. The older kids would rather listen together for longer.

When do you spend 1-1 time with each kid?

I see plenty of time in that weekend schedule for one on one time. You should learn some time management skills. I bet this person is spending more time with their kids than the majority of people.

Weekend time is not plenty when Saturday is date night, Sunday is church, dinner and family meeting. So, what, each kid gets 30 minutes a weekend and you think that is enough? They don't even get 1-1 time at bedtime.

You’re up at 6-7 am on Saturday. That’s a full 12 hours before date night and you can’t figure out when you’d spend time with kids? It sounds like a family focused weekend to me.

We are not up at 6-7.

Then you probably don’t have four kids, or any young ones!

[Anonymous]

My dad was unhappy in a large family. He never said as much outright, but it’s pretty clear from a lifetime of being close to him. I’m not an only child because of fertility or health or financial issues. Two of his siblings each have four children and would have had more if finances allowed. The rest are either parents of an only or childfree. I guess my point is that you never know and can’t know how family size will affect your children, so make your own choices. I had a joyful childhood and never had a problem, for example, making friends, sharing a dorm room, feeling lonely, etc. It could have easily gone quite the other way, obviously. No number of children is superior to any other number of children. It’s like arguing over what we find attractive in a partner. These preferences and aspirations aren’t made in a vacuum.

[Anonymous]

What is this obsession with parental 1:1 time? I grew up as one of two and don’t remember ever really having 1:1 time with a parent, nor did I really want or need it. My sibling and I were close to my parents and knew we could go to them if we needed or wanted to talk about something, but we did not in any way crave hours of (or any) 1:1 time with a parent. Honestly that seems really weird and overbearing. We were busy playing together, with friends, or independently. We didn’t want to hang out all that much with mom or dad, and we were actually a very close and loving family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:9 kids in my family. You basically don't get to develop a deep parenting relationship with each individual kid. There are other benefits for the kids (independence, fun, family belonginess) but a lot fewer parental resources for each one.

I think 4 kids is really the max if you want to be close to your lids.

Based on your one experience. It really depends on financial situation; what you can hire out. The temperament of your children. So many things.
We have hashed and rehashed the really large families on this board and had all the haters come out. OP is talking about four here, not fourteen.

How many people can have 4+ kids and still afford to "hire out" to a significant degree? Also hiring out doesn't really solve the issue of individualized attention. My family had paid help, and they couldn't really pay attention to individual kids either.

Lots of people in this area can afford it. I’m a SAHM to more than four, and we hire stuff out. I personally know 6-7 others in the same situation although it’s not representative given my husband is in a high paying job.
Just because you can’t fathom it, or don’t like it, doesn’t mean it can’t work.

you can't hire out parental 1:1 time with the kids. If you have 4 under 8 to put to bed, everyone is getting 1 bedtime story all together.

You seem really rigid about this 1:1 time. There are two parents. So one parent could take two kids each. Or one parent could take three and the other child gets alone time. Or maybe two kids are older and don’t want stories read to them, and each parent takes one of the younger kids. Or - gasp! - they all do bedtime together and have great memories all cuddle up together. All of these options are great.