Talk to me about having a large family

[Anonymous]

I am a new poster from a big family where none of us had more than 1-2 kids. I am happy with my smaller family. My parents were happy with their larger family. It's okay both ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH was/is miserable in a large family. He was the odd numbered child, and MIL has metal issues (depressed, anxiety, checked out) - and passed that on to most of the family - so, good times. DH in no way wanted a large family, because of what he went through - he was always outnumbered. Bad things are magnified, not good things.

Right, but how large? People here seem to be equating three kid families with truly large families, like 5/6+. It’s not the same at all. Also, a mom with mental health issues will affect a family of any size.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH was/is miserable in a large family. He was the odd numbered child, and MIL has metal issues (depressed, anxiety, checked out) - and passed that on to most of the family - so, good times. DH in no way wanted a large family, because of what he went through - he was always outnumbered. Bad things are magnified, not good things.

Don’t you think he would have been miserable with a mother like that no matter what? Curious you pointed out he is odd numbered...what do you mean by that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH was/is miserable in a large family. He was the odd numbered child, and MIL has metal issues (depressed, anxiety, checked out) - and passed that on to most of the family - so, good times. DH in no way wanted a large family, because of what he went through - he was always outnumbered. Bad things are magnified, not good things.

Don’t you think he would have been miserable with a mother like that no matter what? Curious you pointed out he is odd numbered...what do you mean by that?

Kids tend to pair up. Maybe he was younger enough that the next oldest was happier playing with the other older sibling but too old to want to play with the younger sibling?

Iwas the only girl with three brothers. It was fine but the four year difference between me and the two next oldest siblings did not really give me someone to play with. My two older siblings did not get along and wanted nothing to do with each other. They don’t talk now and they are in their 50s. The two eldest were supper bright, bored in school, and constantly in toruble for not doing their school work. The two youngest, including myself, had learning disabilities and ADHD and need a good amount of support from our Mother. My Mom had our learning disabilities and could not help my elder sibligns with their math and science past elementary school and had no clue if they work they showed her as completed was correct or even the assignment.

My older siblings still complain that Mom spent more time helping my younger sibling and I with homework and didn’t do enough for them and don’t seem to fully grasp that Mom could help them with geometry and trig and calculus and physics because she never had those classes. But she could help my younger brother and I and understood how we learned so it was easier for her.

So, a long story short, four kids is a handful. If the kids are different enough it can cause resentment that some people never seem to out grow. Your kids might not play with each other and mightnot like each other.

There is no guarentee. I hae one child because I got married late and decided after my DS was born that I didn’t want a second child. I love being able to give him the attention he needs and that we are going to be able to play for college. I love that we go on three or four nuce vacatons a year. I love that we are able to volunteer for his different activities and that we don’t feel divided. Had I gotten married a few years earlier, I probably would have had a second child but I would not have had more then that no matter when I got married.

But that was my choice. have the family that feels right to you. No amount of advice on the internet is going to help you make that decision. It could turn out great and it could turn out poorly. More likely then not it will be fine. But I would think through finances and what youw ant to be able to provide to your child in the way of college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m another poster pregnant with my 4th. What do weekends look like for big families?

We have four. Friday nights I take kids to gymnastics/parkour, then we have pizza and movie night. Saturday’s are pretty low key. Kids are in soccer and basketball for their schools, but it is never more than twenty minutes away and lasts for an hour. We aren’t running all over the place. Maybe this will change as they get older. Mostly we clean the house, read, watch some tv. My middle two usually have a play date.
Saturday night DH and I go out for date night.
Sunday we go to church, have lunch, come home and play outside for a bit. Do homework/practice music. Watch TV. We have a big dinner every Sunday with dessert, then a family meeting. After family meeting kids finish up any homework, get backpacks packed, read story, and go to bed. DH and I split bedtimes to two older kids and two smaller kids. The smaller kids want to pick out their own stories. The older kids would rather listen together for longer.

When do you spend 1-1 time with each kid?

I see plenty of time in that weekend schedule for one on one time. You should learn some time management skills. I bet this person is spending more time with their kids than the majority of people.

Weekend time is not plenty when Saturday is date night, Sunday is church, dinner and family meeting. So, what, each kid gets 30 minutes a weekend and you think that is enough? They don't even get 1-1 time at bedtime.

Yeah, the reality of being a kid in a large family is very very little 1:1 time. It just is. I don't think it's crippling to children, if the household is harmonious and well-resourced, but it definitely is a different kind of parenting, one that I did not want for my own child (which is why I have an only).

Pp here who posted my weekend schedule. I think this is true. My kids spend a lot of time playing together, and I spend more time monitoring their play and doing my own thing around the house rather than acting as a playmate. Most of our 1:1 time is spent practicing music or doing homework.
When my kids want to build a fort, they do it together, and I may step in to help or give a material I think may be helpful.
I like this though, and I do it on purpose. I really want my kids to have strong relationships with each other, and I do my best to foster that. I hope these are relationships they have throughout their lives.
It is different than a 2 kid household. My friends with two kids seem to have much quieter households where kids will each be doing their own thing or one kid will be with one parent while the other kid is with the other parent a lot of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think growing up my parents ever did 1:1 time at all. Nor did we expect, want or need it. I think that is a new trendy thing.

Constant 1:1 time with your parents sounds absolutely smothering.

I am sure those people touting the benefits are also over on the other thread crying about how their kid cannot entertain herself for more than 5 minutes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have three and the only reason we make it happen is a live-in nanny and a bunch of outsourced housework. I cook and drive the kids. That's the extent of it.

That's pretty sad you don't spend time with them.

I do spend time with them, and the only reason it's possible is that I have lots of help. If I did all the housework myself, I wouldn't be able to spend time with them.

Can't they do housework with you?

1:1 time plus you are tesching them to be an independent functional adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a brother but I'm close to people from 5-kids and 9-kids wealthy Catholic families and they told me it was chaos growing up and never enough parent attention or affection, despite all the nannies and housekeepers.

Outsourcing to nannies and housekeepers is the issue, whether one child or 10.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have found I get a lot more 1:1 time with each kid since I had the third. Often, I will be doing something with one (reading, studying, listening to music/performance/creative endeavor, talking, etc.) while the other two play, interact, or talk. This rotates regularly so that I am easily able to meaningfully engage with each on a regular basis. Much more often than I did when there were two. They also each get 1:1 time every night at bedtime. We’re done having kids so don’t want a fourth, but I’ve been pleasantly surprised by how great it is with three.

That’s interesting. Most parents I know with 2+ spend a lot of time navigating sibling rivalry. For every 10 min of play, you’ve got 5 min of fighting or fussing.

Incorrect.

More kids equals to less sibling fighting.

[Anonymous]

I was one of four, plus lots of cousins around. There was never enough one on one with parents. Not enough attention. Not enough room. Not enough of anything really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have three and the only reason we make it happen is a live-in nanny and a bunch of outsourced housework. I cook and drive the kids. That's the extent of it.

That's pretty sad you don't spend time with them.

I do spend time with them, and the only reason it's possible is that I have lots of help. If I did all the housework myself, I wouldn't be able to spend time with them.

Can't they do housework with you?

1:1 time plus you are tesching them to be an independent functional adult.

You just don’t stop, do you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve noticed a few things about parents of only children that cannot fathom having any additional kids:
1) They don’t realize that siblings actually enjoy spending time together.
2) Often the fathers are not very engaged. I had a mother of an only ask me how I handle my kids being in different activities at the same time. I thought it was pretty obvious that my husband took one kid. But after I told her, she responded that she handles the activities...okay...
3) They have some time-consuming hobby or job with weird hours and fail to consider that others do not have that taking up their time
4) They are low energy people

This is total BS. I have 1 and we are done. I am one of 3 and my husband is one of 4. We had different upbringings, but are normal, grounded people with good and bad sibling relationships. My husband makes a lot of money and we have a high net worth of real estate holdings and investments. We live a very privileged life but don’t want other kids, period. We could higher round the clock care and have had a live in, which we decided took some of our privacy away so changed our arrangement after 8 months. We are high energy people with active lives but no time consuming hobbies such as triathlons or marathons or long distance cycling which would keep one of us away for extended time. My husband gets my daughter up in the morning and takes her to school when he is not traveling. They have a very strong, loving bond. Not everyone wants the chaos of multiple kids. I love kids, I love my friends kids but I love my life and don’t want any more.

The sweeping generalizations and myopic views on this board provide so much comic relief. If I were to guess, most of these rigid viewed people preach tolerance and love in their daily life but are the most intolerant toward others who see the world or have experienced life differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH was/is miserable in a large family. He was the odd numbered child, and MIL has metal issues (depressed, anxiety, checked out) - and passed that on to most of the family - so, good times. DH in no way wanted a large family, because of what he went through - he was always outnumbered. Bad things are magnified, not good things.

Don’t you think he would have been miserable with a mother like that no matter what? Curious you pointed out he is odd numbered...what do you mean by that?

Kids tend to pair up. Maybe he was younger enough that the next oldest was happier playing with the other older sibling but too old to want to play with the younger sibling?

Iwas the only girl with three brothers. It was fine but the four year difference between me and the two next oldest siblings did not really give me someone to play with. My two older siblings did not get along and wanted nothing to do with each other. They don’t talk now and they are in their 50s. The two eldest were supper bright, bored in school, and constantly in toruble for not doing their school work. The two youngest, including myself, had learning disabilities and ADHD and need a good amount of support from our Mother. My Mom had our learning disabilities and could not help my elder sibligns with their math and science past elementary school and had no clue if they work they showed her as completed was correct or even the assignment.

My older siblings still complain that Mom spent more time helping my younger sibling and I with homework and didn’t do enough for them and don’t seem to fully grasp that Mom could help them with geometry and trig and calculus and physics because she never had those classes. But she could help my younger brother and I and understood how we learned so it was easier for her.

So, a long story short, four kids is a handful. If the kids are different enough it can cause resentment that some people never seem to out grow. Your kids might not play with each other and mightnot like each other.

There is no guarentee. I hae one child because I got married late and decided after my DS was born that I didn’t want a second child. I love being able to give him the attention he needs and that we are going to be able to play for college. I love that we go on three or four nuce vacatons a year. I love that we are able to volunteer for his different activities and that we don’t feel divided. Had I gotten married a few years earlier, I probably would have had a second child but I would not have had more then that no matter when I got married.

But that was my choice. have the family that feels right to you. No amount of advice on the internet is going to help you make that decision. It could turn out great and it could turn out poorly. More likely then not it will be fine. But I would think through finances and what youw ant to be able to provide to your child in the way of college.

Uh, nice life story but none of that really has anything to do with family size. You sound really critical and like you enjoy extensive navel gazing. I bet your kid is both lonely and smothered at the same time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH was/is miserable in a large family. He was the odd numbered child, and MIL has metal issues (depressed, anxiety, checked out) - and passed that on to most of the family - so, good times. DH in no way wanted a large family, because of what he went through - he was always outnumbered. Bad things are magnified, not good things.

Don’t you think he would have been miserable with a mother like that no matter what? Curious you pointed out he is odd numbered...what do you mean by that?

Kids tend to pair up. Maybe he was younger enough that the next oldest was happier playing with the other older sibling but too old to want to play with the younger sibling?

Iwas the only girl with three brothers. It was fine but the four year difference between me and the two next oldest siblings did not really give me someone to play with. My two older siblings did not get along and wanted nothing to do with each other. They don’t talk now and they are in their 50s. The two eldest were supper bright, bored in school, and constantly in toruble for not doing their school work. The two youngest, including myself, had learning disabilities and ADHD and need a good amount of support from our Mother. My Mom had our learning disabilities and could not help my elder sibligns with their math and science past elementary school and had no clue if they work they showed her as completed was correct or even the assignment.

My older siblings still complain that Mom spent more time helping my younger sibling and I with homework and didn’t do enough for them and don’t seem to fully grasp that Mom could help them with geometry and trig and calculus and physics because she never had those classes. But she could help my younger brother and I and understood how we learned so it was easier for her.

So, a long story short, four kids is a handful. If the kids are different enough it can cause resentment that some people never seem to out grow. Your kids might not play with each other and mightnot like each other.

There is no guarentee. I hae one child because I got married late and decided after my DS was born that I didn’t want a second child. I love being able to give him the attention he needs and that we are going to be able to play for college. I love that we go on three or four nuce vacatons a year. I love that we are able to volunteer for his different activities and that we don’t feel divided. Had I gotten married a few years earlier, I probably would have had a second child but I would not have had more then that no matter when I got married.

But that was my choice. have the family that feels right to you. No amount of advice on the internet is going to help you make that decision. It could turn out great and it could turn out poorly. More likely then not it will be fine. But I would think through finances and what youw ant to be able to provide to your child in the way of college.

Uh, nice life story but none of that really has anything to do with family size. You sound really critical and like you enjoy extensive navel gazing. I bet your kid is both lonely and smothered at the same time.

DP. No need to be so defensive and nasty. OP literally asked about experiences in big families. PP is sharing his or hers. The fact you took that shared experience as personal criticism and felt such an irresistible need to lash out should perhaps tell you that maybe PPs story resonated a bit close to home for you.

Would you prefer to that answers to OPs question only be relentlessly and falsely positive? That you never be forced to think beyond your idealized images? If so, why? Are you one of those mothers who smothers any hint of a negative emotion in her kids, teaching them to hide their true selves?

Ask yourself why you felt such a need to lash out at PP, who gave a fairly neutral and sparing account his or her experience. Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH was/is miserable in a large family. He was the odd numbered child, and MIL has metal issues (depressed, anxiety, checked out) - and passed that on to most of the family - so, good times. DH in no way wanted a large family, because of what he went through - he was always outnumbered. Bad things are magnified, not good things.

Don’t you think he would have been miserable with a mother like that no matter what? Curious you pointed out he is odd numbered...what do you mean by that?

Kids tend to pair up. Maybe he was younger enough that the next oldest was happier playing with the other older sibling but too old to want to play with the younger sibling?

Iwas the only girl with three brothers. It was fine but the four year difference between me and the two next oldest siblings did not really give me someone to play with. My two older siblings did not get along and wanted nothing to do with each other. They don’t talk now and they are in their 50s. The two eldest were supper bright, bored in school, and constantly in toruble for not doing their school work. The two youngest, including myself, had learning disabilities and ADHD and need a good amount of support from our Mother. My Mom had our learning disabilities and could not help my elder sibligns with their math and science past elementary school and had no clue if they work they showed her as completed was correct or even the assignment.

My older siblings still complain that Mom spent more time helping my younger sibling and I with homework and didn’t do enough for them and don’t seem to fully grasp that Mom could help them with geometry and trig and calculus and physics because she never had those classes. But she could help my younger brother and I and understood how we learned so it was easier for her.

So, a long story short, four kids is a handful. If the kids are different enough it can cause resentment that some people never seem to out grow. Your kids might not play with each other and mightnot like each other.

There is no guarentee. I hae one child because I got married late and decided after my DS was born that I didn’t want a second child. I love being able to give him the attention he needs and that we are going to be able to play for college. I love that we go on three or four nuce vacatons a year. I love that we are able to volunteer for his different activities and that we don’t feel divided. Had I gotten married a few years earlier, I probably would have had a second child but I would not have had more then that no matter when I got married.

But that was my choice. have the family that feels right to you. No amount of advice on the internet is going to help you make that decision. It could turn out great and it could turn out poorly. More likely then not it will be fine. But I would think through finances and what youw ant to be able to provide to your child in the way of college.

Uh, nice life story but none of that really has anything to do with family size. You sound really critical and like you enjoy extensive navel gazing. I bet your kid is both lonely and smothered at the same time.

DP. No need to be so defensive and nasty. OP literally asked about experiences in big families. PP is sharing his or hers. The fact you took that shared experience as personal criticism and felt such an irresistible need to lash out should perhaps tell you that maybe PPs story resonated a bit close to home for you.

Would you prefer to that answers to OPs question only be relentlessly and falsely positive? That you never be forced to think beyond your idealized images? If so, why? Are you one of those mothers who smothers any hint of a negative emotion in her kids, teaching them to hide their true selves?

Ask yourself why you felt such a need to lash out at PP, who gave a fairly neutral and sparing account his or her experience. Why?

Because she sounds like an entitled brat who has spent too much time in therapy figuring out how to blame all her problems on her mother.