Mom getting old, sister grabbing everything in sight

[Anonymous]

Before my grandmother died, one of my cousins took all the prints on the walls and made colored copies to put back in the frames. She denied she did it after my grandmother died but then was stupid enough to have the pictures hanging at her apartment. There was nothing of real value but it sure was a crappy thing to do. People can be greedy and awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get a household inventory now. Document everything. Photograph everything. Put a value on everything. When mom goes, she gets 50% minus what she took.

+1.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you want something take it now, not when your mom is gone (assuming your mom is near death). My good friend had a situation where her sister claimed to "take care of" their mom. The mom sold her condo, left her hometown friends and moved in with the sister (the mom had bought the sister a house in another state).

Over the years, the sister took everything - the family money (purposefully set up a bunch of CDs, so the mom could not touch that money without penalty, so the mom left it); plus she charged the mom rent (for living in the house that the mom bought! Who does that?); plus the sister then opened a life insurance policy that the mother paid for; plus a bunch of gold jewelry that the mom acquired over the years (the mom did not believe in costume jewelry); plus every single family photograph.

This seems like your sister. Greedy. Nothing more, nothing less. Greedy people stop at nothing. In my friend's case, she stopped talking to the sister when the mom died, because they were never that close, and the sister stealing everything just made it worse. My friend has children that were close to their grandmother, but the sister has no kids, and the sister would rather literally throw the jewelry away than let my friend have one piece for her children.

That is the kind of person you are dealing with. The only person your sister cares about is herself, that will not change. Take what you want now, otherwise you will get nothing one the sister steps in. People like your sister have issues, and trying to control other people is one way their issues come out, because they have so little control in their own life. Sad but true.

Let me guess, your sister is jealous of you, right? I am guessing yes, and that fuels her selfishness even more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get a household inventory now. Document everything. Photograph everything. Put a value on everything. When mom goes, she gets 50% minus what she took.

+1.

Easier to take it now, than to pay for lawyers later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you want something take it now, not when your mom is gone (assuming your mom is near death). My good friend had a situation where her sister claimed to "take care of" their mom. The mom sold her condo, left her hometown friends and moved in with the sister (the mom had bought the sister a house in another state).

Over the years, the sister took everything - the family money (purposefully set up a bunch of CDs, so the mom could not touch that money without penalty, so the mom left it); plus she charged the mom rent (for living in the house that the mom bought! Who does that?); plus the sister then opened a life insurance policy that the mother paid for; plus a bunch of gold jewelry that the mom acquired over the years (the mom did not believe in costume jewelry); plus every single family photograph.

This seems like your sister. Greedy. Nothing more, nothing less. Greedy people stop at nothing. In my friend's case, she stopped talking to the sister when the mom died, because they were never that close, and the sister stealing everything just made it worse. My friend has children that were close to their grandmother, but the sister has no kids, and the sister would rather literally throw the jewelry away than let my friend have one piece for her children.

That is the kind of person you are dealing with. The only person your sister cares about is herself, that will not change. Take what you want now, otherwise you will get nothing one the sister steps in. People like your sister have issues, and trying to control other people is one way their issues come out, because they have so little control in their own life. Sad but true.

Let me guess, your sister is jealous of you, right? I am guessing yes, and that fuels her selfishness even more.

OP here. This is a pretty good description of my sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you want something take it now, not when your mom is gone (assuming your mom is near death). My good friend had a situation where her sister claimed to "take care of" their mom. The mom sold her condo, left her hometown friends and moved in with the sister (the mom had bought the sister a house in another state).

Over the years, the sister took everything - the family money (purposefully set up a bunch of CDs, so the mom could not touch that money without penalty, so the mom left it); plus she charged the mom rent (for living in the house that the mom bought! Who does that?); plus the sister then opened a life insurance policy that the mother paid for; plus a bunch of gold jewelry that the mom acquired over the years (the mom did not believe in costume jewelry); plus every single family photograph.

This seems like your sister. Greedy. Nothing more, nothing less. Greedy people stop at nothing. In my friend's case, she stopped talking to the sister when the mom died, because they were never that close, and the sister stealing everything just made it worse. My friend has children that were close to their grandmother, but the sister has no kids, and the sister would rather literally throw the jewelry away than let my friend have one piece for her children.

That is the kind of person you are dealing with. The only person your sister cares about is herself, that will not change. Take what you want now, otherwise you will get nothing one the sister steps in. People like your sister have issues, and trying to control other people is one way their issues come out, because they have so little control in their own life. Sad but true.

Let me guess, your sister is jealous of you, right? I am guessing yes, and that fuels her selfishness even more.

OP here. This is a pretty good description of my sister.

PP here. I thought so. In my friend's case, the sister was always the favorite, but that led the sister to be a total slacker, because she could "do no wrong". Then, when the mother moved in with the sister - the mother discovered that the sister was/is a total slacker (and functioning alcoholic, to boot), with a very, very different persona outside of the house. The mother was horrified, but it was too late. When the mother called the sister on the sister's awful behaviors, the sister would scream at the mother and take her phone away, all sorts of awful stuff. Appearances were/are all that mattered to the sister. I remember my friend flying the mother to (my friend's) house for vacations and holidays, just to get away from the awful sister. The sister and her husband would leave the mother alone for the holidays!

The mother wasn't always perfect, but no way did she deserve what my friend's sister was doing to her, like the sister had/has no conscience at all. My friend never forgave her sister, and I can't really blame her. The sister's selfishness, self centeredness, compulsive lying, storytelling (to make herself look like the hero, of course!), spending, and greed only got worse over the years, especially when the family found out what was really going on. That was the sister's worst nightmare, for people to find out the truth. My friend gave up on any relationship with the sister after the mother died, because really, what was the point - the sister's behaviors were consistently outrageous, and the sister's jealousy was blatant and glaring. My friend has been successful on her own, and that really bothered the sister, to this day.

Having seen my friend go through this, I would take what you want now, because there is no getting it later. Like your sister, my friend's sister put everything in her name (the mom was afraid of her). The sister knew how to get everything she wanted, she had years of practice - but brown nosing doesn't really work when you are an adult, so people like that resort to unspeakable tactics - lying, stealing, whatever they have to do, in their mind, to get by. I am sorry you are going through this. It is very difficult to see your parents slip away, and have the fox guarding the henhouse - because that is exactly what is happening. Awful, especially for your mom.

[Anonymous]

OP - you could try having a conversation with your mother about how selfish and greedy your sister is acting. She probably knows but may not have a complete idea of how bad it is with her. Come up with a list of all the things that your sister has taken over the years and let your mother how she throws fits when your mom gives anything to your children/grandchildren.

One option since your mom seems to be very interested in where her things will go is to make a full inventory (including what had already been taken by sticky fingers) and have your mom put down who it should go to and when.

If your sister gets mad at you just shame her. Let her know that this was necessary because she was was behaving inappropriately. Don't let her fit throwing bother you. If someone threw a fit in front of me the way you describe your sister I would bluntly say something like "Wow, I would be so humiliated if I ever behaved the way you do. Are you not aware of what you are doing? Would you like me to record this fit so you can share with others?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - you could try having a conversation with your mother about how selfish and greedy your sister is acting. She probably knows but may not have a complete idea of how bad it is with her. Come up with a list of all the things that your sister has taken over the years and let your mother how she throws fits when your mom gives anything to your children/grandchildren.

One option since your mom seems to be very interested in where her things will go is to make a full inventory (including what had already been taken by sticky fingers) and have your mom put down who it should go to and when.

If your sister gets mad at you just shame her. Let her know that this was necessary because she was was behaving inappropriately. Don't let her fit throwing bother you. If someone threw a fit in front of me the way you describe your sister I would bluntly say something like "Wow, I would be so humiliated if I ever behaved the way you do. Are you not aware of what you are doing? Would you like me to record this fit so you can share with others?"

PP here. I agree with your perspective, but people like the sister are not going to say "you are right, I was wrong, let me make this right..." It is not in their vocabulary, or brain to do this - to step up and do the right thing. All they see is how they can serve themselves - that's it, no one else. Anything they do is in the spirit of making themselves look like some sort of hero. In fact, if the sister knows it bothers OP - then the sister (people like her) will do this all the more , it is how they operate - spite and selfishness. It is difficult to understand, unless you have seen it first hand. OP needs to take what she wants now. I saw my friend go through so much, and in the end, all the sister had to say was "if I find it, you can have it..." and those types of evasive responses. Like I said, anything for my friend not to get what she wanted and/or deserved, even though she and her mother and her children were all very close. My friend's mom died knowing that the sister was a total (!!!) screw up, and my friend was (after all) everything that the mother had wanted the sister to be. If you don't think that fueled all of the hate by the sister, so that the sister took everything. Well, it did.

[Anonymous]

One option since your mom seems to be very interested in where her things will go is to make a full inventory (including what had already been taken by sticky fingers) and have your mom put down who it should go to and when.

This is what my parents did. They had everything valued, made a list with the value next to each item, and then had all the siblings over for dinner where we were given our own copies. We all checked off 10-15 things we really wanted and gave them back to our parents. Our parents assigned who was to get what. They made an effort to make sure everyone got roughly equal values for the total of their items and everyone got some purely sentimental items, also. It was a good way to make things fair and keep everyone happy.

Could you suggest something like this to your mom? Are you and your sister her only children?

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your mom is actually enjoying your sisters attention, even if it is just stealing her stuff. You can either appease your mom and claim a few things or just let it go. Why make the problem worse by makin* an inventory. In some ways, you are lucky as often no one wants the stuff.

My sister took all of our childhood toys...to sell. Some woukd have been great to give my son. I would have loved them for the memories. But in the grand scheme of things, this is not a big deal. I just let it go.

[Anonymous]

Not to defend your sister, but is it really stealing if your mother plays it?

[Anonymous]

Okays not plays

[Anonymous]

The inventory idea only works when everyone is honest. PP whose family did that - your parents did things the right way and are wonderful parents! That is the best way to avoid problems when the parents are gone - make everything truly equal. Some parents are terrible parents and don’t care, which is a shame.

[Anonymous]

When my grandfather died (Grandmom was already gone), my mom’s siblings turned I gonna vultures. In one case, a sibling’s spouse, who was the worst of all. It forever tainted my mom’s relationships with them. She talked to my sister and I after that and said she wanted no fighting, and we should tell her what we wanted and she would note it. But, we were fair, and my mom wasn’t egging us on to fight. I wouldn’t normally advocate this, but I agree in your situation, if there’s something you really want, I would take it now. I wouldn’t even acknowledge I took it. And after my mom was gone, I’d have nothing to do with a sister like yours again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my grandfather died (Grandmom was already gone), my mom’s siblings turned I gonna vultures. In one case, a sibling’s spouse, who was the worst of all. It forever tainted my mom’s relationships with them. She talked to my sister and I after that and said she wanted no fighting, and we should tell her what we wanted and she would note it. But, we were fair, and my mom wasn’t egging us on to fight. I wouldn’t normally advocate this, but I agree in your situation, if there’s something you really want, I would take it now. I wouldn’t even acknowledge I took it. And after my mom was gone, I’d have nothing to do with a sister like yours again.

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