Mom getting old, sister grabbing everything in sight

[Anonymous]

We have agreed we should wait and split things up fairly after an estate agent prices the many antiques, silver, gold and diamond jewelry, yet every time I go home there are more things missing. Sis always has a reason "Mom gave me that for my birthday," or "my son is the oldest grandson so he got the gold watch," or "I was closer to grandma so I got her diamonds."

Mom explains this by laughing about us fighting over her stuff, but I don't take stuff and have even refused offers as my sister uses anything mom gives me as an excuse to take much more to "balance things out."

I refuse to fight over stuff and I think this hurts mom's feelings. It's like she wants us to go to war over her possessions like she and her sister did and is insulted that I don't want her things enough to get down in the dirt. Maybe I'm self righteous but I just won't. Nevertheless, I think this will destroy any future I have with my sister. She's thrown fits over such minor items as a picture frame and a tricycle my mom gave our family.

Nothing I say seems to help and mom's pastor has suggested calling in a counselor, but this isn't two sided. Sister takes. I don't. I'm the primary caregiver but I've been removed as executor of the will because sis threw a fit, so a lawyer will get a big percentage.

[Anonymous]

Sadly its pretty common, not much you can do about it.

[Anonymous]

You aren't willing to fight, so there isn't a fight. You aren't going to get anything because you won't play your moms game. It makes you a better person, but it also means you won't end up with any choice items. That's the situation you are in. So...you accept it and be happy that you are better than that, or you play the game to get the goods.

[Anonymous]

I'm just sad that my sister is willing to destroy our relationship over this stuff. I can't overlook that she has no sense of fair play. Our dad would have been horrified by her behavior.

[Anonymous]

You need to start getting your goodies.

[Anonymous]

Your sister is a problem, but if your mom won’t address it (and, worse, enables it) then it limits your options.

If you can identify what things you really, really would wish to have, then talk to your mother about trying to save those things for you.

Beyond that, I would consider (1) the counseling suggestion and (2) talk to mom non-judgmentally about the experience she had with her sister and whether that was a good experience or not.

Finally, it’s hard. It sounds like this process will not be fair to you, and that sucks. Just remember that it’s just stuff — even if it’s valuable and nostalgic stuff, it’s still stuff. Your integrity and the values you pass to your children are important too.

[Anonymous]

Is your mom imminently dying? This is really weird. My mom died 6 months ago and we still haven’t bothered to divvy up her stuff. It’s too sad and I will give it all to have her back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm just sad that my sister is willing to destroy our relationship over this stuff. I can't overlook that she has no sense of fair play. Our dad would have been horrified by her behavior.

It sounds to me like you are destroying the relationship. You seem to have a burning need to be recognized as better than your sister. Maybe you are. But then, she is the one doing what your mom wants and it’s your mind stuff, so....either let the stuff go or claim it. But don’t sit back and stew about how not grabbing stuff makes you a saint and your sister an asshole.

[Anonymous]

Your mum sounds like a piece of work- sorry. You are the caregiver and your sister steals yet your mum wants you to engage? This is so messed up.

[Anonymous]

Hide the stuff you want to have in your mom's place. This way, you haven't "taken" it as it's still in her house, but your sis won't think to take it as she can't find it.

[Anonymous]

My mom also wants my siblings to fight over her possessions. It is strange, but I think it makes her feel relevant and important. But I think it’s important to remain detached. In the end, you might not respect your sister, but it doesn’t have to end your relationship.

[Anonymous]

They both sound dysfunctional and like they don't respect you in the slightest. Why are you her primary caretaker again?? I don't even think I'd have anything to do with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm just sad that my sister is willing to destroy our relationship over this stuff. I can't overlook that she has no sense of fair play. Our dad would have been horrified by her behavior.

It sounds to me like you are destroying the relationship. You seem to have a burning need to be recognized as better than your sister. Maybe you are. But then, she is the one doing what your mom wants and it’s your mind stuff, so....either let the stuff go or claim it. But don’t sit back and stew about how not grabbing stuff makes you a saint and your sister an asshole.

As I've said, if I start taking my sister gets even worse. I guess she'll get whatever she wants but I won't get into stripping my mom's house in some contest to see who can get more, even if my mom wants me to do that. My sister clearly values possessions over our relationship. So be it. I hope all our mom's things keep her good company as she doesn't seem to have many friends and I'm not going to be close to someone who cares more about grabbing stuff than about my feelings and basic honesty and fair play.

[Anonymous]

Why can't you tell your mom: "mom there are a couple things like grandma's necklace and that beautiful vase from your anniversary that I'd love to have one day to remember you but for now I'd like you to have them here and enjoy them".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They both sound dysfunctional and like they don't respect you in the slightest. Why are you her primary caretaker again?? I don't even think I'd have anything to do with them.

Your sister is pathetic, but worse, she has little respect and regard for you. Call her out on what she's doing and you'll see how she discounts you in every way. She will continue stealing. If I were in your shoes I would begin to backpedal with the caregiving. Let your sister pick up the slack.