If you were stay at home mom or working mom what are your regrets?

[Anonymous]

No regrets - I worked a reduced schedule (32 hours a week) for close to 5 years, and then worked full time as a partial teleworker, full-time teleworker, and now full time office worker. I consider my career to be my "life insurance". No matter what happens to my husband, I have the ability to support my family, their education, and my retirement 100% on my own. For me, that peace of mind has been worth the stress and difficulty of juggling a 2-career household with kids.

[Anonymous]

I stayed home the first couple of years during which my ex decided he didn't want to be married. It ruined me financially. So on that front, I don't advise anyone to stay home unless there's a bank account to which only you have access. Getting back into work isn't easy either. As a mom? LOVED my time home with DC. If it weren't for being screwed and having a hard time re-entering the workforce, I'd advise all women to do it. You need it for you, and it's a good time to have with the kid. Maybe work part time.

[Anonymous]

Interesting thread, lots of no regrets, which is nice to read. I am still in the thick of it and still questioning what makes most sense. So far I have WOH but with a somewhat flexible job, and kids are in elementary. We did have a nanny but now just juggle (madly). As we head into the middle school and high school years, it seems like it will be important to figure out how to be home for those late afternoon windows. Anyone go to part time or stay part time or at home when their kids were older? Good or bad idea?

[Anonymous]

Strong, strong regrets. After our second, I quit working and basically told DH I couldn't be a good mother and worker and wife and something had to give. In hindsight, I was probably being a bit dramatic and did not deal with my own issues (perfectionism and never being good enough), but I basically put it down as an ultimatum. DH was a good parent, more naturally suited with small children than me but basically agreed because the alternative was getting divorced.

I was a good SAHP. I really leaned into things and enjoyed the kids, particularly as they got older. But my marriage went to garbage.

DH left when our youngest was finished with undergrad. It was a shock but in hindsight, I could see that he was basically biding his time, raising his kids and was checked out. We both failed in terms of getting our marriage on track after that rough patch but we were functional enough that it didn't phase me and DH did not seem to care (probably a red flag in hindsight).

I am two years divorced and it's hard. I am trying to get back into working but I am 53. I got a decent settlement and we sold our home and we're in different places but he is doing way way better than me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stayed at home 15 years (started when my son was 6 months old) and then went back to work part time when my kids were in 6th and 8th grades.

Not a lot of regrets, although the transition to staying at home was tough. I missed the camaraderie of an office and never clicked 100% with mom groups. But I'm so glad I had the time with my kids, even though I would never say I loved every moment. You really hear a lot more from your kids when you're with them more...random comments, questions, confessions, plus you get the chance to point out lessons to be learned, etc.

I also feel like I developed myself personally during this time. I learned to be frugal and developed a ton of domestic skillz while they were young, even though I would never have called myself crafty or talented in this area. I learned to cook, landscape, knit, sew halloween costume-level-stuff, and do easy home improvement like painting. I started a women's hiking group when the kids were in school and volunteered a little bit with their school. When I actually went back to work I found it interesting how many women didn't know how to even sew a button back on their blouse or plant a shrub etc and so spent money hiring people for these tasks.

My regrets about not working all this time is that I could have earned a lot more money. But the older I get the more I feel like the experiences were worth way more than than money ever would be. My oldest will be out of the house next year and the next just 2 years behind. Granted, my DH makes a decent living now ($150k) but when I started staying home in 2002 it was $85k. Our vacations usually entail East Coast family visits so we didn't have a lot of extra money for that. But I'm not sure how much I care about that stuff - it's the daily kid interactions that mean the most to me and that I want to encourage. When your kids are teens, you just need to be sitting there, not saying anything (preferably, ha ha!) - and this is when they'll open up to you.

Whatever you do, it will be the right decision. So many ways to slice it, and everyone's needs are different - kids, parents, and couples alike!

+1. Everyone’s doing it differently, find what works for you.

[Anonymous]

No regrets. I stayed at home with my older one for two years, and then went to grad school with a toddler. Went to work full time, had second child, stayed home for 8 month, and then worked part time for another year, before going back full time. I am 42 and my older is in college, and younger is in the middle school. Now I have more time to devote to my work, stay later or travel more frequently. No regrets and I am so happy I stayed home with them, was able to nurse them for a year.

[Anonymous]

Curious if the FT WOH crowd has regrets about not staying home during the teen years? I have basically always WOH FT and now I am worried as my kids get into the possibly tricky teen phase.

[Anonymous]

Everyone got dependent on me as a stay at home, and now that my last is going to college next year, I'm ready to go back to work and make some changes. Husband is being uncooperative as it's much easier having someone at home doing the scut work

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone got dependent on me as a stay at home, and now that my last is going to college next year, I'm ready to go back to work and make some changes. Husband is being uncooperative as it's much easier having someone at home doing the scut work

Just do it anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No regrets - I worked a reduced schedule (32 hours a week) for close to 5 years, and then worked full time as a partial teleworker, full-time teleworker, and now full time office worker. I consider my career to be my "life insurance". No matter what happens to my husband, I have the ability to support my family, their education, and my retirement 100% on my own. For me, that peace of mind has been worth the stress and difficulty of juggling a 2-career household with kids.

+1

I have always been the main breadwinner in our house, but in any event could never give up my earning power. I worked full-time until the kids were in early elementary, then worked three days a week for awhile and subsequently four days a week, mostly teleworking.

Now I work full-time teleworking and am well-positioned to pay for college and help them into adulthood.

All that said, I look back and wish I could re-live the small things from when they were very small. So much of day to day life was just about getting through it, rather than enjoying it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Curious if the FT WOH crowd has regrets about not staying home during the teen years? I have basically always WOH FT and now I am worried as my kids get into the possibly tricky teen phase.

I'd imagine it all depends on the kind of teen you have. Some push limits a lot, others don't. We mostly worried about it when my oldest moved into middle school but fortunately, DH's job assignment changed and he switched to WAH FT that year. Having a person at home to keep an eye on things was great but it wasn't like he could drive the kids places or do other things with them since his work requires a lot of focus. Now the kids are in 10th & 8th grades and he only WAH 2x a week but we're comfortable with their being home alone those other days since they've turned out to be (so far, as far as we can tell!) pretty mild teens, don't seem to be engaging in any risky behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Curious if the FT WOH crowd has regrets about not staying home during the teen years? I have basically always WOH FT and now I am worried as my kids get into the possibly tricky teen phase.

Teens don't need a parent at home ALL the time, unless it's an extreme circumstance. I don't think both parents should have "big" careers, i.e., be completely checked out on the home front, but with all the options for flexibility now, that opens things up. Why does it have to be all or nothing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Curious if the FT WOH crowd has regrets about not staying home during the teen years? I have basically always WOH FT and now I am worried as my kids get into the possibly tricky teen phase.

Teens don't need a parent at home ALL the time, unless it's an extreme circumstance. I don't think both parents should have "big" careers, i.e., be completely checked out on the home front, but with all the options for flexibility now, that opens things up. Why does it have to be all or nothing?

We actually still have a "nanny" even though our kids are in 10th and 8th grades. It may sound ridiculous, but she's not so much a nanny as a household manager/driver/cook. So there is still someone at home when the teens get home from school, which is great. We live in Bethesda/Potomac, and this is not uncommon, particularly when the teens have a lot of activities. Yes, they can start driving on their own at 16.5 years, but the nanny is still a good person to have around. I know one family whose nanny was with them for literally 18 years -- first doing child care, and then transitioning to cooking/cleaning/driving/managing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Curious if the FT WOH crowd has regrets about not staying home during the teen years? I have basically always WOH FT and now I am worried as my kids get into the possibly tricky teen phase.

Nope. I work FT and have a teen. I am a lawyer and work for myself so I have a lot of flexibility. I have been the afternoon parent for 12 years. I pick up from school, drive to activities, cook dinner, etc. If I know I am going to have an intense court day that I can’t predict the end of, we planned for it in advance and either switched roles or paid for after school care when it was necessary or arranged for grandma to handle pick up or something else. Now she is a junior and texts me when she is heading home and I just meet her at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stayed at home 15 years (started when my son was 6 months old) and then went back to work part time when my kids were in 6th and 8th grades.

Not a lot of regrets, although the transition to staying at home was tough. I missed the camaraderie of an office and never clicked 100% with mom groups. But I'm so glad I had the time with my kids, even though I would never say I loved every moment. You really hear a lot more from your kids when you're with them more...random comments, questions, confessions, plus you get the chance to point out lessons to be learned, etc.

I also feel like I developed myself personally during this time. I learned to be frugal and developed a ton of domestic skillz while they were young, even though I would never have called myself crafty or talented in this area. I learned to cook, landscape, knit, sew halloween costume-level-stuff, and do easy home improvement like painting. I started a women's hiking group when the kids were in school and volunteered a little bit with their school. When I actually went back to work I found it interesting how many women didn't know how to even sew a button back on their blouse or plant a shrub etc and so spent money hiring people for these tasks.

My regrets about not working all this time is that I could have earned a lot more money. But the older I get the more I feel like the experiences were worth way more than than money ever would be. My oldest will be out of the house next year and the next just 2 years behind. Granted, my DH makes a decent living now ($150k) but when I started staying home in 2002 it was $85k. Our vacations usually entail East Coast family visits so we didn't have a lot of extra money for that. But I'm not sure how much I care about that stuff - it's the daily kid interactions that mean the most to me and that I want to encourage. When your kids are teens, you just need to be sitting there, not saying anything (preferably, ha ha!) - and this is when they'll open up to you.

Whatever you do, it will be the right decision. So many ways to slice it, and everyone's needs are different - kids, parents, and couples alike!

+1. Well said! Mirrors my experience very well (my kids are 14 and 11). I'm glad i can be so present with my kids. You can't get the time back.